Fractured
"I should not be here," Agron thinks to himself somberly as he and Nasir make their way, slowly but surely, to the tent that has not felt his presence in what seems like a lifetime.
This all feels wrong to him…strange, even though it should not feel this way. He is still alive and once again reunited with sorely missed heart…
Perhaps that is the problem.
When he left for Rome with Crixus, he knew what he risked giving up; what he stood to lose by he still went…thinking that it would be the best place for him. That he could fight; giving Spartacus and the other rebels a chance to escape….a chance for him to escapel.
However, their group was crushed completely, brought to heel by those Roman shits and he was captured; tortured by them and then….then…..
No.
He definitely does not deserve to be here. He should have died; either upon battlefield or upon cross. Not here by the side of love who he left behind.
When they arrive at the tent, Nasir gently guides him inside and leads him towards the bed. Agron, with Nasir's help, slowly takes seat upon it, his weight causing the bed to groan slightly.
Nasir then leaves him briefly, seeking out the items he needs to take care of Agron's wounds.
Agron watches him go, so many things he wishes to tell him..to confess to him. A thousand apologies swirl within mind yet he does not give voice to them. He cannot form the words to do so, so instead he waits silently for his return.
When Nasir comes back, he immediately sets himself to task, and with gentle hands, he dutifully cleans and re-bandages his wounds. Agron tries to look anywhere but at Nasir. He does not want to see what lies upon his face and what thoughts his dark eyes hold behind them. Most of all, he does not wish to look upon beloved and be reminded of his failures.
"Such hands are wasted upon a fool and a traitor like me," he thinks to himself silently.
So wrapped up is he in his self-loathing, he does not notice that Nasir's hands have stopped working; does not notice Nasir calling his name, trying to gain his attention.
He notices none of these things but what he does notice are the hands that come up to softly cradle his face, trying to get him to focus on beloved.
He attempts to try and look away, because he still cannot bear to see what Nasir's face holds upon it but the hands on his face grow firmer and suddenly he is staring at Nasir.
"Please," Nasir begs him quietly, eyes so full of sadness that it makes Agron's heart ache, "speak to me."
Agron still holds his silence.
"Please," Nasir pleads once more, desperation now beginning to creep into his voice.
"I should not be here," Agron finally says, now saying aloud what he has been thinking all this time.
"What?" Nasir says in confusion.
Once again Agron repeats, "I should not be here."
"Of course you should be here," Nasir starts to say, still confused by Agron's words. "Why would you not think…"
"I should not be here," Agron states yet again, cutting Nasir off, his voice beginning to crack now. "Not after what I've done."
"Agron," Nasir says softly, hating the pain he hears within words spoken.
"I left you behind…cruelly removed you from my side even though I thought it best that you stay away; wanting so much for you to find happiness that so deserve."
"I also feared…feared that I…that I could not give you that happiness. That I would be useless in a life beyond this rebellion and eventually fail you."
"But…I have already failed you and now…now I stand before you worthless and broken. These scars upon my hands stand as proof."
Agron finishes all this with unshed tears glistening in his eyes. "How can you stand to touch…to lay sight upon foolish, stupid man who has disappointed you so much?"
Nasir listens to this heart-breaking confession; heart crying out in pain over Agron's words and then without saying anything, draws Agron into tight embrace, tears threatening to escape him.
As he feels Nasir's arms wrap around him, the tears that he has been holding in suddenly flow from him, releasing with them all of the pain that he has suffered throughout all of this and silently, he hopes that one day Nasir can find it in his heart to forgive him for all that he has put him through.