I know I've been trained to keep my emotions in check, but I can't keep my throat from constricting when the thought of Brittany comes into my head. Shuffling my boot-clad feet, I wipe the tears from my eyes and assume the correct posture. The lady in the seat next to me glances sideways at me, scanning over the camoflauge covering my body. I cough awkwardly and she looks out her window.
I haven't seen Brittany in a year. Sure, I've talked to her, but I haven't seen her face since that last time in the airport. I sigh, shaking my head, and look out my own window at the black sky outside. Right now, there are people just like me marching through Iraq. It's their turn now.
I jump as the pilot comes on the loud-speaker throughout the plane.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the self-important voice begins. "We're fifteen minutes from touch-down. Please remain seated until instructed otherwise."
I scoff, rolling my eyes, and pull the complimentary issue of Sky-Mall from the seat pocket in front of me. Nothing interesting has shown up for half the magazine, so I throw it down in a huff. My eyelids are beginning to droop from exhaustion. I didn't get any sleep last night. I was too busy thinking about a certain blonde to let my eyelids close.
The look on Brittany's face is breaking my heart. I must remain unemotional. I have to be the strong one in this situation, but I'm finding it difficult.
I tuck my index finger under her chin and lift it up so I can look her in the eye. Her face relaxes for a second as she catches my gaze, but immediately scrunches back up against the tears. She wails, throwing her arms around my neck as she tucks her head under my chin. The tears streaming down her face are wetting my collar, but I don't care. I drop my duffelbag and wrap my weak arms around her thin, shaking frame. My own tears begin their descent, and for once, I let them flow freely.
Our bodies are sagging against eachother, so I move back, holding my girlfriend at arms distance. What we do next is automatic. Softly, I let my tingling lips touch hers and press gently. I am trying to convey everything I'm feeling right now- distress, sadness, love- into this one kiss. My heart lurches violently as I realize something I hadn't thought about before... This could be the last kiss we ever share.
I sniffle, wiping my nose with the sleeve of my cardigan. Well, actually, it's Britt's. She gave it to me so I wouldn't forget her. I'd tried to convince her that I'd never ever do such a thing, but she'd vehemently shaken her head, insisting on me wearing it. I'd obliged, swallowing a hot sob. That had been hours ago, when we were in our apartment, neither one of us crying- atleast not on the outside.
But now, as I take one last glance back towards where Brittany stands, I can't help but feel the most emotion I've ever felt in my life. Even more than when my parents disowned me when I'd came out to them about my relationship with Brittany.
Brittany sends me a watery smile and a feeble wave. I return the gestures meekly, swallowing my sadness. She turns on her heel, briskly jogging out of the airport with her hand over her mouth.
The tears roll down my face, even after the plane touches down in Parris Island. When I get my one phone call, I call the one person I want to hear from. The phone picks up on the first ring.
"Hello?" Brittany greets brokenly.
"Hey, babe, it's me," I say. I can almost see the smile on her face, and it pulls the corner of my mouth into a wide grin.
"Santana! Oh, San, baby, I miss you already!" she says, all in one word. She continues with unidentifiable words of joy, and my heart breaks as I look at my drill instructor tapping her wristwatch impatiently.
"Listen, babe, I-," my voice cracks as I swallow my sadness once more. "I have to go. But I'll call you as often as possible, I swear. I love you so, so much, Britt."
"I love you too, honey. Good luck. Call me soon, okay?" Brittany's voice catches on the last word and my heart breaks as I hear her whimpering.
"Okay. I promise. Bye," I hang up, wiping the moisture from my eyes. I turn stoicly, and begin to stride quickly from the room, only to be stopped by my drill sargeant's arm across my chest. I look at her sideways, and she takes a shaky breath. Oh, God, she's probably gathering her energy to chew me out.
"Take it easy, Lopez." she says softly. The tone of her voice kind of reminds me of Coach Sylvester's voice when she learned about me getting kicked out of my house. It wasn't completely kind, but I could tell she was trying to be sympathetic.
I nod curtly and sulk off to my bunk. The call for lights out comes, and I pull the covers up to my chin. The pain in my heart carries on into my dreams, because all I can see is flashes of blonde hair and blue eyes.
My plane ends up landing ten minutes earlier than expected. As I leave the terminal, I see a few people stand straight and salute me. I smile kindly at them, and return the gestures. I pass the payphones, but decide not to call Brittany so soon. I have a sidestop to make before I can see her.
I walk out of the shop with a grin plastered on my face and a bag in my hand. Making my way back to the payphones I saw earlier, my heart begins to pound with thoughts of her.
I almost miss the coin-slot I push the quarter in so fast. My fingers fly across the numberpad, pressing in the familiar number. The phone rings twice before it picks up.
"Hello?" Brittany rasps through the phone. Her voice is groggy with sleep. It's adorable.
"Hey, you," I say. My voice is so high with excitement, I sound like I just inhaled a whole bunch of helium.
"Santana!" she squeals. Her voice has cleared significantly and I hear the sheets rustle as she climbs out of bed. There's some thumping around and the sound of clothes ruffling. She's getting dressed to come pick me up.
"Brittany! Oh, it's so good to hear your voice. I've missed you so much," I say, breathing a sigh of relief.
"I'm on my way, San. Hang on, babe, I'll be there in a few minutes," she says quickly. I giggle for no reason. Unfiltered excitement, I guess.
She stays on the phone with me the whole time. We only stop talking so I can push more quarters into the phone.
"So, how's the apartment?" I ask. We're just making small-talk now.
"Oh, it's great! I finally got my brother to fix the faucets," Brittany says. I can hear her car door close and her hurried steps to get out of the cold Ohio air.
"That's awesome, babe!" I'm still smiling, barely able to keep my grip on the phone because of my trembling hands.
"Hey, guess what,babe," Brittany says, her voice just above a whisper.
"What?" I respond in the same tone.
"Turn around," she says.
My heart is thundering in my ears as I turn slowly. Brittany's standing all the way across the lobby, the hand not holding her cell phone clenched at her side. I smile so wide, my cheeks feel like they're going to burst. I start a brisk walk towards her, completely forgetting about my duffel bag by the payphone. She presses the end button on her phone and jams it into her pocket, beginning to run towards me. We reach eachother and she jumps and wraps her legs around my waist.
I let out a quiet noise as the breath is knocked out of me. Brittany's arms are tightly wrapped around my neck, squeezing. My hands are splayed across her back, attempting to press her even closer to me than she already is. Her body heat is seeping through her baggy t-shirt and mingling with mine. When I let her down, and get a good look at her, I see what shirt she's wearing. It's one of my old, ratty t-shirts I used to go to sleep in before I left for the Marine Corps.
I smile, and her face reflects my elation of finally seeing eachother for the first time in a year. Her hands have run down my arms to lace her fingers with my own, and I give them a small squeeze. We catch eachothers gaze and I melt at the sparkle I see in her cobalt eyes.
She links her arms around my neck once more, and my arms automatically go around her waist. She leans forward, pressing her soft lips against my own and I see fireworks. Like, literally, there are colors behind my eyelids when we both smile against eachothers lips.
"I missed you so much," she mumbles into my collarbone. I place my hand over the back of her head, pressing my nose into her hair and inhaling the smell I've missed for so long.
"I missed you, too," I say, on the verge of tears. Suddenly, I'm hyperaware of the weight in the breastpocket of my field jacket.
"Britt," I say, coughing to catch her attention. She pulls away hesitantly and looks me dead in the eye. "I have a question."
She raises an eyebrow quizically, and I reach my hand into my pocket. I stroke the velvety box for a moment before removing it. I cough nervously, and bring the box into Brittany's line of vision. Her eyes go wide and she cups her hands over her mouth as she stares at the black box. Brittany's gaze flicks up to my own and I can feel the heat come to my cheeks.
I get down on one knee, inwardly scoffing at how cliche all of this is, but, hey, I'm in love, so who cares? I balance the now open box in my right palm and take one of Brittany's trembling hands in the other one. I clear my throat and begin speaking:
"Brittany Susan Pierce," I begin. "I love you. I love you so much, it hurts when I'm not around you. Ever since high school, I've known that this is what I want to do. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to wake up to you every day for as long as I live. I want to have kids and worry like crazy about them growing up. But most of all, I just want to be with you. So... will you marry me?"
Brittany's eyes have filled with tears, her pink lips stretched into a bright smile as she nods rapidly.
"Of course I will," she says softly. She pulls me to my feet and I take the diamond band out of its resting place to slide it onto her finger. As soon as I look up, her lips are on mine, the rest of the world being shunned. We're in our own world now. The same world we've been in since graduation.
There's no stress, no cares where we are right now. All we can focus on is eachother, and, for now, I'm perfectly okay with that.