The Revenge of the Centaurs
Summary: What might happen if some fools send the canon books back to other fools suffering from the undreaded Saving-people thing syndrome?
Admission: I don't own anything; so if anyone wants to pick up any crumbs from this table and use them to concoct a good fanfic, I'll be delighted.
I'm probably using many ideas I've read in other fanfics. Where I don't acknowledge them, it's because I haven't realised I was doing it. Dementia is not far off – I just stopped myself putting my eye drops in my ear at the last moment this morning. If anyone wants an unpaid job as a part-time carer, let me know.
Prologue
Certain people, who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty, decided that if certain past events were rectified, the intervening time would be much less horrifying, and many people would be happier, for being alive if for no other reason.
As I don't want to give any stupid people any stupid ideas, I shall not describe their foolishness, but confine myself to describing certain results of their actions. The most notable of these was, that all people of importance to us in the canon found themselves in an alternative universe, some aspects of which it is my task to disclose.
After Tom Riddle married Bella Black, they decided to run a series of Havens of Hope. These were orphanages for muggles, wizards and witches, where all the children were able to grow up experiencing loving care, and were prepared for the appropriate kind of life in which they could contribute happily to the general welfare. As there was no Statute of Secrecy in the universe, they learned to accept each other's magic status or lack of it, and form whatever friendships came naturally. Tolerance of differences was the way these little worlds worked.
Lily and Severus Snape used the grounds of Prince Manor (A/N: thanks to Snapegirlkmf for this wonderful place) to grow plants for their potion ingredients industry. There was also room to invite a small herd of Unicorns, whose hairs were caught in trees and bushes, providing valuable wand cores (Thanks to severusphoenix for this idea from the great story 3 Slytherin Marauders) and the occasional shed horn for potions. As their ingredients were of the highest quality, the wholesalers gave them generous discounts on whatever they needed to buy for themselves. They found they also had time to run a primary school for about a dozen magic children who lived nearby.
James Potter joined Bagman as a beater for the Wimbourne Wasps. When Bagman retired, James became Captain, and continued their record run of successes. Whenever possible, he would go to watch the crucial games of the Hogwarts competition each year, keeping an eye out for future candidates. Sirius, now Lord Black, was a staunch supporter of the Wasps, and would always provide Quidditch robes for any newbies who were from less affluent families. He 'donated' Kreacher to Regulus when he set up his own establishment, and bought a friendlier elf from Dumbledore.
Arthur Weasley was, of course, Minister of Magic; and could not resist setting up weekly meetings with the Prime Minister. He removed the offending portrait, and a new PM would find when he first moved into his office, a mysterious letter asking him to be alone there at a certain time, and to stand well back from the fireplace. At this first meeting, he would bring copies of The Daily Prophet, Witch Weekly, and The Quibbler, to make it easier for the new PM to believe what he was being told.
Instead of twins, Percy was followed by triplets, who had to be called Tom, Dick and Harry. So in this universe, our man really was another son, not 'just like another son'. On their first birthday, they produced such a burst of accidental magic that the Burrow became an exact replica of Edinburgh Castle. Eight Hogwarts house elves begged Dumbledore to let them work for the Weasleys. So Arthur, Molly, Bill, Charlie, Tom Dick and Harry were lovingly looked after by Amby, Bobby, Cassie, Dabby, Eelie, Finky, Geekie and Horry. Apparently, eight is a stronger number than seven in elvish magic. Fair enough, as their magic is stronger than that of wizards. (Can you guess which one looked after which family member? I haven't worked it out myself, so if enough people make suggestions, we'll solve it democratically.)
Meanwhile, back at the story, Remus is a wardsman at St Mungo's, where isolation and treatment are available as needed. If Severus or Lily have to be away during school time, Remus can usually get leave of absence from St Mungo's to help them out. Wormtail was lucky to get a position as conductor on the Knight Bus. Ernie takes him under his wing and sorts out any problems for him.
Frank Longbottom is a herbologist. From his greenhouses many of the ingredients for St Mungo's potions are supplied. As Alice is an Auror, the MoM usually get their herbal potions supplies from them, too. Once he can walk, Neville makes himself useful looking after his younger brothers and sisters; he also gets to help in the simplest greenhouse, which is given to him as his own on his sixth birthday. Most of his babysitting is done there after that.
I know I'm jumping backwards and forwards in time; I'm jotting down the ideas as they come. Since this is a one-off idea, I won't try to make it conform to the calendar later.
Later on, Percy gets allocated to the Muggle-Worthy Excuse Committee. It is soon realised that he knows more about Muggles than anyone else on the Committee, so although lack of seniority makes him ineligible as Chairman, all decisions are in practise left to him. The older members are so impressed that they boast about him to their contemporaries, so he is often consulted on Muggle matters by various other departments. Incidentally, this frees up quite a bit of the Minister's time, so he doesn't feel he's neglecting his work by dropping in on the PM whenever he wants to. His views on nepotism are quite well known so no one tries to court favour by suggesting Percy's talents would justify early promotion. Percy also prefers to earn his way up by solid work.
Dolores is a Squib. Her family make her so unwelcome that she ends up singing in a Muggle nightclub. In spite of her piercing voice, her tone is so heartbroken that she becomes quite popular. This doesn't make up for the fact that she hates what she is doing, and why she is doing it. Only when she is courted by the Prewett Squib does she feel that life might turn out to be worth living. One effect of this is that her voice loses its 'popular' quality, but after her marriage, she can concentrate on raising a family in the hope of a witch or wizard child, as her husband's financial affairs are quite healthy.
Fudge was lucky enough to qualify for the navy-blue robes of Magical Maintenance at the Ministry; but as every job he was given tended to end in disaster, Arthur gave the 'Important Task' of keeping the Atrium looking its best by removing the ashes from the floo entrances. After a few weeks, he got the hang of this, and his supervisor get into the habit of sending him a memo every hour reminding him to check the entrances again. As this was all he seemed to be able to do, he was allowed to come in an hour later than the others in the morning, as he had to stay on after hours until the Atrium was ready for the next day's arrivals.
Any suggestions to what we could replace the Fountain of Magical Brethren with? We need something to provide funds for St Mungo's as nobody can buy their influence at the Ministry by their generous donations.
Petunia marries Alastor – there might be a story there for someone with the energy to work on it – Marge marries Fubster; Vernon becomes a professional boxer, and Hagrid, a full wizard, is groundsman at Hogwarts. His father is still alive, so Hagrid visits him every month on the weekend nearest to the full moon. (This saves him having to look in the calendar – he can see the moon on his way home after dinner most nights.) Oh, yes, Sibyl is barmaid at the Hog's Head.
Thus ends the Prologue. I expect the one and only chapter to show the dire results of the change of universe. However, by the time I get it up, I might need two chapters. Time will tell, but it hasn't spoken to me yet. Perhaps my inner ear needs tuning.