America looked at the calendar and nearly crapped his pants. The day after tomorrow was… Canada Day.

And he hadn't planned anything.

He. Was. Dead.

So, since America rather liked being a hero and eating hamburgers and all the other joys of living- which he would certainly not be enjoying if he forgot his lover's birthday- he had to get something set up. And soon. Thankfully, he was a great last-minute planner; procrastination was his gift! After all, look at the world wars! He was always fashionably late to save the day. He'd be fine this time too… right?

First, he called his ex-parents/brothers/other-nation-people, France and England. He called France first, because he figured that since he raised Canada in the first place, he would want to be the first to know. America would just call England next.

As it turned out, he needn't have bothered. Because his conversation went something like this.

"*muffled thumps* Bonjour, c'est Francis, qui est-ce?"

"Francis, I don't speak French. You know English, so speak it!"

"*sigh* I said: hello, it's Francis. Who is this? Although I suppose I don't have to ask the last question, since you answered it with your rudeness and utter lack of tact. *muffled complaint that sounded faintly like 'Not my fault!'* Amerique, why are you calling?" America noticed that France sounded a bit peeved, and wondered why.

"Well, Canada Day is the day after tomorrow, so-"

"Merde *and more muffled thumping noises*" Now, a new voice took over. "Alfred, lad, are you sure it's the day after tomorrow?"

"Iggy? *a faint 'don't call me that ridiculous nickname was quickly hushed by America's overly loud voice* Why are you at Francis'… Oh. Oh. EWW, WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE I CALLED?"

"Hush up, Alfred. Are you sure it's the day after tomorrow?"

"Definitely! I marked it with a heart on my calendar!" And a post-it note that said to buy more lube, he added in his mind. But England and France didn't need to know that. "So, since you two know now, all I need to do is call Jin and Dan, and then we'll all get together and surprise him!"

"Alright, Francis and I will –Francis, stop it, I'm trying to talk,- try to figure out something to- FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, FRANCIS!- sorry about that, lad, -Francis, I'm warning you- while you call Jin and Dan, we'll come up with-FUCK! STOP BITING MY NECK, I'M TRYING TO TALK- … *sigh* I'll call you back, Alfred."

"Fine with me," America teased, "I wouldn't want to interrupt anything." He laughed as he hung up, hoping that they wouldn't act like this at Canada's party as well.

"Jin?" He was hoping that Hong Kong would have some good ideas for the party, as France and England would-judging by the sounds emanating from the phone before he hung up- probably be preoccupied for quite some time.

"Yes. Is this Alfred?" Hong Kong's voice was, as usual, calm and slightly- just a bit, enough that America had no clue- sarcastic.

"YEAH, IT'S THE HERO! Ok, so Matt's birthday is the day after tomorrow, so we have to plan something! And Francis will probably be cooking- even though he and Iggy are a little busy at the moment- because I don't think any of us- yeah, I'm gonna call Dan too,- want to have to suffer Iggy's cooking ever again. And I mean ever. Sure, he means well, but really? Is it that hard not to turn every food you touch into charcoal?"

"Alfred," Hong Kong smoothly interrupted, knowing that if America really got started, it would be beyond anyone-except possibly Canada- to shut him up. "I can bring fireworks."

Well, that was unexpected. NOT. "Great! I'll call Dan now, and we'll meet up at Matt's house the day after tomorrow- of course, that's assuming Francis and Iggy can make it out of the bedroom-, and it'll be pwn! And hero-worthy! HAHA~!" America hung up, and Hong Kong was left staring at the phone, wondering about the collective sanity of his family.

Which was not all that much, in truth.

"'ELLO, MATE!"

"That horrendous butchering of my accent. Alfred?"

"YOU BETCHA!"

"You can stop yelling, mate! I can hear you, you don't hafta blow out my eardrums!"

"Oh… OK THEN! –sorry- So, we're having a party for Matt, and you have to bring something! And it can't be a 'guard crocodile' again, the only thing that overgrown lizard did was try and bit Kumajiro! I doubt that fluffball tastes good anyways…"

"Who's cooking?"

"Francis, so you can chill, man."

"*sigh of relief * Can I bring Bastard with me?"

"… bastard? What?"

"Well, my koala, he keeps biting me, so I've changed his name to Bastard until he stops! It'll teach him a lesson for sure!"

"… OK! So, be there or be square! Now I have to go prepare for the invasion of the eyebrows!"

"… I resent that comment. –HEY, BASTARD, LET GO OF MY FINGER- And Francis doesn't have these ridiculous eyebrows."

"Yeah, but he's a pervert, so… whatever. KTHXBAI!"

Australia was also left staring at the phone, but not because of his worry about the possibility of being institutionalized along with his family, but because of the blood spatters caused from his koala bite. "Damn. Hope those'll come out. Damn Bastard…"

Alfred, after his momentous night, was left under the impression that most psychiatrists would give anything to treat his family, seeing as treatment would be ongoing and quite entertaining. And probably required, if they were normal mortals living in everyday society.

And everyday society has a merciful God to thank that they aren't.

Authoress' Random Ramble

So, this is the first chapter of a collab for CANADA DAY I'm doing with the wonderful Emgee Kagamine. Who is one of the pwnest people I know ^^. SO, here's the link to her fanart! You better check it out, because she put a lot of effort into it, y'all! (taking out the spaces is implied)

h t t p : / emgee-chan . deviantart . c o m / # / d2suoyi

By the way… I own nothing, and you would have to pay a fortune for crack of this caliber on the streets, so BE GRATEFUL (Read: review. PLEASE. =^_^=)