Title: Memories
Author: SalemCassidy
Pairings: Logan/Carlos, Kendall/James
Notice: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters there of, they belong to Nickelodean Entertainment. If they belonged to me the episodes would be a lot more like this.
Summary: One shot, post In the Rain. When James is left alone with Carlos for a day he makes a couple fatal monkey care mistakes. The results is Carlos with amnesia and Logan without a Carlos. They both struggle to make it through as Carlos tries to remember the live they had together.
Logan
Kendall and Logan had spent most of the day watching a chess tournament. Kendall had only learned how to play chess so he could spend time with Logan and three hours of watching two men dressed like college professors playing chess wasn't exactly his thing. But he loved watching Logan bounce up in down in silent excitement as one of the men launched a "Strataveri Defense" so something like that.
"Can you believe Bill Eleval won? I mean Robert Darlington's the best player since Bobby Fischer and Eleval wiped the bored with him." Logan chattered as they walked along the pool.
"Still can't believe it." Kendall chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. If he ever saw another chess board it would be too soon. Unfortunately he was pretty sure Logan would want to try out one of the techniques he'd seen today. Kendall's fears were allayed when Carlos came bouncing out of the bushed by the door.
"Pow motherfucker!" He bellowed bouncing at guitar guy before spinning towards Kendall and Logan. "Hey baby, he murmured sweeping Logan into a deep kiss.
"Alright, who gave the monkey and energy drink?" Kendall asked glaring around the pool accusingly.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" James shouted stumbling out of the bushes panting for breath. "I took him shopping with me and when we got back he said he was sleepy, I figured one glass wouldn't hurt." James apologized in between gasps.
"When he's sleepy you make him take a nap, James, a dropper full would have been too much." Carlos sprang away from a decidedly flushed Logan and raced towards the front doors.
"Raceyouupstairs!" He shouted behind him.
"Great now we have to catch him before he gets hurt or pisses off Bitters." Kendall sighed.
"Where's his helmet?" Logan squeaked as he realized Carlos' head had been bare.
"You know I hate taking him to the stores wearing that thing. People think I'm hanging out with my 'special' little brother. They keep offering him lolly pops." James said running his fingers through his hair.
"There's no way they could mistake your giant Anglo ass for Carlos' brother." Logan groaned. "And you know he loves those little suckers. Now if he runs into a wall because he's too zipped to remember he's not wearing his helmet I'm have to spend the whole night waking him up every few hours to make sure he doesn't die."
"No you won't, if he runs into a wall then James can spend the night in your room waking him up and you can bunk with me." Kendall said glaring at his boyfriend. A loud thunking sound interrupted any pretest James could make. A couple seconds later Katie came running out of the Palmwoods.
"Carlos just head butted a wall and he wasn't wearing his helmet. He's bleeding pretty bad." She said as she skidded to a stop.
"Shit." James yelped jogging into the lobby. Carlos was lying flat of his back staring vaguely at the ceiling. James scooped him off the floor and tossed him over the back before heading to the elevator. Once James had deposited Carlos on the couch Logan knelt beside him and waved a flashlight in front of his eyes.
"Oh great, that's definitely a concussion, he's probably gonna have a sore neck in the morning too." Logan murmured running his hand over Carlos' cheek. Carlos' eyes went wide and he skittered into a sitting position scooting away from Logan.
"Dude, what's wrong?" James asked kneeling beside Logan.
"Who is he and why is he petting me?" Carlos asked pointing towards his boyfriend.
"Dude, that's Logan he's your…" Logan shook his head quickly and moved away from the couch absently playing with the gold band on his finger.
"How old are you, Carlos?" He asked.
"I'm….I have no idea, is that my name?" Carlos asked scratching his head. He winced as his fingers brushed the growing knot on his scalp.
"You don't remember anything?" James asked his forehead creasing. Logan drug Kendall into the kitchen.
"You need to go in our bedroom and pull the beds apart." He whispered once he was sure Carlos wouldn't over hear them.
"What?" Kendall asked.
"He doesn't remember anything and he sure as hell doesn't remember me. He freaked out when I touched his face; I don't think he's going to want to sleep in the same bed with me." Logan's bottom lip trembled and Kendall enveloped him in a bear hug.
"I'm sure he'll get his memory back soon, bro. I mean we're here to help him." Kendall murmured as he rubbed his hand in circles on Logan's back.
"Um, guys he passed out." James called from the living room.
"Go pull the beds apart; we're going to take him to the hospital." Logan sighed heading towards the living room.
"Alright, I'll head that way when I'm finished." Kendall nodded. Logan smacked Carlos' face gently until he woke up.
"Get him off the couch; we're going to have to take him to the hospital." Logan sighed. James stood and swept Carlos off the couch dropping him over his back.
"Whoa! Hey! Put me down." Carlos groaned.
"Careful, he might be a little…." Carlos moaned and gagged before throwing up down James' back. "Nauseous." Logan finished biting back a laugh.
"Ah man, this shirt is brand new." James moaned squirming against the wet fabric.
"This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't taken his helmet." Logan said without sympathy.
"Put me down or I'll do it again." Carlos whimpered patting at a try spot on James' shoulder. James lowered him to the ground gently before hoisting him back up with one arm under his knees and the other on his back.
"That better?" He asked watching Carlos closely for any sign of more vomit.
"Not really, I'm still being carried around by a giant guy that looks like a girl." Carlos grunted before resting his head against James chest. "Where's my dad?" James opened his mouth to argue that he didn't look like a girl but Logan interrupted him.
"You remember your dad?" He asked hopefully.
"No not really, but I'm pretty sure I have one." Carlos said shrugging.
"He lives in Minesotta." Logan replied as they headed towards the door.
"And I live where?"
"California."
"Why would I move from Minnesota to California? California doesn't even have a hockey team." Carlos asked shaking his head then grimacing as the movement brought on a fresh wave of nausea.
"So you remember liking hockey?" Logan asked expecting another negative answer.
"Doesn't everyone?" Carlos murmured slipping back into unconsciousness. Logan back tracked to smack him awake before hitting the down button on the elevator.
"Are you always this rude?" Carlos asked gruffly when James carried him onto the elevator.
"Excuse me?" Logan asked his eyes going wide before narrowing.
"I'm trying to take a fucking nap and you keep slapping me. You've got major boundary issues man."
"You can't take a nap you have a concussion." Logan said rolling his eyes. Carlos wasn't acting like himself and it was making Logan's stomach twist in knots. Carlos was never that confrontational or moody.
"So, I'm sleepy."
"So if we let you fall asleep with a concussion you might never wake up." Logan responded snapping.
"Logan!" James hissed. It was pretty bad when James was having to get on to him for shouting at Carlos it was usually the other way around. He was just really scared, he knew he would love Carlos no matter what, but he didn't think this new Carlos would love him.
"Fine, I'll stay awake." Carlos grumbled crossing his arms across his chest. Logan couldn't help but smile, it was kind of adorable of course Carlos had always been kind of adorable. He was relieved when Carlos continued to sulk when they got off the elevator in the lobby.
"You're going to pay for that wall!" Bitters shouted as they passed in front of his desk.
"Take it up with Kelly; we're taking Carlos to the hospital." Logan said coolly as he brushed past the angry man.
"Is Kelly my mom?" Carlos asked at they headed out the door towards the Big Time Rush mobile. James and Logan didn't respond and the silence became uncomfortable. "Guess I don't have one of those."
"She died a little while after you were born." Logan said finally. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay, you can't miss someone you never met." Carlos said and Logan pretended not to see the tear that slipped from the corner of his eye even as James squeezed him closer to his chest. "Watch it jumbo, I'm not your teddy bear." Carlos grunted pushing at James.
"You're usually not this pissy." James said as he loaded Carlos into the back of the car.
"You're usually not this handsy." Carlos guessed sliding down into the soft upholstery.
"Yeah, I am and so are you. You hug everyone, dude, usually against their will." James chuckled as he slid into the passenger's seat. Logan dropped behind the steering wheel.
"Oh, I guess that's why you were petting me earlier." Carlos said glancing at Logan. "Sorry, I freaked out I thought you were a fruit or something." He said shrugging.
"I am." Logan said through gritted teeth. The car went dead silent.
"Me too." James said without the ire.
"Sorry, no offense." Carlos mumbled but Logan didn't respond. Once they got to the hospital James unloaded Carlos, who insisted on walking into the emergency room. Carlos and James took two seats on one side of the narrow waiting room while Logan sat on the other side filling out the admission paperwork. After Logan had finished the paperwork and returned it to the desk he said in his chair fiddling with his ring. After a while he looked up to catch Carlos staring at him.
"Can I help you with something?" He asked trying to keep the anger out of his voice. He knew Carlos didn't know any better but he still didn't like they guy he had been sleeping with for a year calling him a fruit.
"That ring looks so familiar, it's like I can almost remember it." Carlos said shrugging his shoulders.
"It was your mother's." Logan said after a moment. He wasn't planning on telling Carlos about their relationship until he was a little more comfortable, but he couldn't take it anymore. Maybe if he shocked him badly enough his memories would come back.
"My mom's?" Carlos asked confusedly. "Like her wedding ring?"
"Yeah." Logan said staring at him searching for any sign of recognition.
"Why do you have my mom's wedding ring?" Carlos asked his face still a tangle of confusion.
"Because you gave it to me, ten months, two weeks, and three days ago." Logan said his fingers still twisting the gold band around and around.
"Why?" Logan blinked quickly trying to dispel the tears that had welled up in his eyes. One stubborn drop brimmed over and began making its way down his cheek so he stood and headed towards the exit.
"Dude, what was that all about?" Carlos asked turning towards James.
When Kendall got to the hospital Logan was still sitting outside on the curb, hugging his knees to his chest, and crying. He walked up and lowered himself to the ground beside his brother and put his arm around his shoulders drawing him closer.
"Is he alright?" Kendall asked.
"He's fine, he stopped trying to go to sleep after I told him he would die." Logan said staring at the ground in front of him. There was a large crack that ran through the asphalt and someone had drawn a heart encompassing the crack with chalk. He grinned at it bitterly.
"So what's going on?" Kendall asked rubbing his back.
"On the ride over he called me a fruit and it pissed me off. Then he noticed my ring and said it was familiar, so I told him the truth." Logan said shaking his head.
"What did he say?" Kendall asked warily, concussion or not he was going to kick the monkey's ass.
"He asked me why he gave it to me. He still doesn't remember me, Ken." Logan said sniffling and scrubbing at his eyes. "I guess I'm being stupid. He doesn't remember anything, so why should he remember me? But I don't know, I guess I thought he would love me anyway."
"You're not being stupid, Logan, you're just not being logical. If there was anything Carlos would remember it would be you." Kendall said reassuringly.
"We should probably go check on them." Logan said standing. "There weren't many people ahead of him; he's probably gone back already." By the time Kendall had climbed to his feet James and Carlos were coming out of the building. Carlos had an icepack on his head and James was carrying a prescription bag.
"The doctor said it wasn't bad enough that they should keep him overnight. His memories should return over the next week or so." James said as he handed Logan the pharmacy bag. James walked over to Kendall and took his hand tugging him towards the car. Logan tried to follow along behind them but Carlos snagged his sleeve. Logan turned and looked down Carlos and his heart squeezed in his chest.
"I'm sorry I don't remember you." Carlos said quietly, his eyes planted firmly on the ground even though he still hadn't let go of Logan's arm. When Logan didn't respond he went on, "James told me why I gave you my mom's ring. He said we're an item, but I didn't even know I liked guys. Still it's got to suck for you. I'm trying to remember I swear."
"I know it's not your fault." Logan said shaking his head. His eyes sprang open wide when Carlos stretched up and kissed him quickly. He wanted it to feel familiar, but it didn't feel like Carlos kissing him, it just felt like a stranger against his lips. "Anything?" He asked when Carlos pulled away licking his lips.
"I'm sorry, it was kind of cool, but it didn't bring back any memories." Carlos said shaking his head. Logan nodded and headed towards the car. The doctor said it could take a week for Carlos to regain his memories. A week wasn't that long, even though they hadn't spent a night apart since they pushed their beds together.
When they got back to the apartment Logan retreated to his and Carlos' bedroom leaving Kendall and James to explain things to Momma K and to try and jog Carlos' memory. He knew he should have stayed in the living room and helped but his chest felt empty and raw and he couldn't bring himself to spend one more moment looking at Carlos without being able to touch him. When Carlos finally came to bed James was following along behind him.
"You don't have to stay." Logan said sitting up and wiping at his face. "I can wake him."
"If you're sure, Kendall probably won't let me in the bed anyway." He said shrugging.
"It's been a while since he hit his head; I'll only have to wake him up a couple of times. I'll be okay." Logan said nodding. James shrugged and ambled back out of the room. Carlos went over to his dresser and started opening drawers.
"I don't have any pajamas?" He asked after he closed the last one.
"You don't wear pajamas, you used to sleep in your boxers but you haven't done that since….for a long time." Logan said scratching the back of his head.
"You do that a lot don't you?" Carlos asked watching the other boy.
"What?" Logan asked frowning.
"You scratch the back of your head when you're nervous or studying. It's cute." Carlos said after a moment of deep concentration.
"Thanks." Logan said uncomfortably. He really didn't know what else to say, he wanted to jump up and down because Carlos was actually remembering things, and his first memory had about him but he contained his happiness. His mood fell when Carlos went into the bathroom to undress. Logan set his alarm clock to wake him up in an hour and pulled off his jeans and climbed under the covers. He actually had pajamas but he hadn't worn them since he and Carlos started dating. When Carlos came out of the bathroom Logan pretended to be asleep. But he didn't, he was still awake when the alarm went off. He crossed the room and shook Carlos awake and checked his eyes. His pupils were equal and he looked fairly alert. Logan sat down and waited for him to fall back asleep before heading out the door. Carlos didn't need him tonight and as much as he hated to admit it, he was lonely. He walked next door to Kendall and James room and knocked on the door gently. If they didn't answer he could always go watch television until morning or something.
"Hey what's up?" Kendall asked as he opened the door. Whatever Logan was going to say fled his mind and he ended up grimacing at the floor scratching his head. Kendall stepped back and led him into the room. James was lying on the edge of the bed and actually looked relieved when Logan walked in the room.
"I haven't slept by myself in a long time, and I mean he's right there across the room, but he's not with me and he's not Carlos." Logan whimpered as Kendall pushed him gently onto the bed. "I'm sorry, I'm being a bitch. I'll go back to my room." Logan said moving to stand. He stopped as James arms wrapped around him from behind dragging him back into the bed. He knew it wasn't Carlos, the hands were too big and the head was in the wrong place but for a moment he closed his eyes and pretended. Still he couldn't climb into the bed with his brother and his boyfriend just because he didn't want to spend the night alone, it wasn't fair to interrupt their night and for some reason it didn't feel fair to Carlos. Not like Carlos was missing him or anything.
"I'll be alright, you don't have to." Logan said trying to pull out of James arms.
"I broke your boyfriend. I can stand in for one night." James laughed softly squeezing Logan to his chest more tightly.
"I don't think Carlos would agree with that." Kendall said smirking as he crawled into the bed. "I mean if Carlos was still Carlos right now."
"You're not funny." James said as Kendall snuggled in behind him, dropping one arm over his side so his hand rested on Logan's side. "But if I wake up poking you, we won't tell Carlos about that, right?" James asked snuggling his head into the space between Logan's shoulder blades.
"You'd be poking my calf; I don't think he would care." Logan said, he didn't laugh; right now Carlos wouldn't care anyway.
Carlos
When Carlos woke up the next morning Logan was gone. It bothered him more than he thought it would, and it wasn't just that he knew how hard this all must be on the other boy; he was kind of disappointed that he wasn't there. Still it gave him an opportunity to do something he hadn't last night. He got out of the bed and tiptoed to Logan's side of the room and opened his dresser drawers until finally he pulled out a pair of underwear with the word: princess written across the ass in sparkly letters. He held the underwear in front of his face and stared at them a moment before images floated across his mind: the same underwear sliding down a pair of pale legs and flying across the room, his own voice whispering 'I love you Princess' as he slid his mother's wedding band onto a narrow finger. He dropped the briefs into the drawer and closed it quickly. Out of context the memories meant nothing to him, well they meant something to him, they confirmed what James had said. He was in love with Logan and they had had sex, but the memories didn't bring any flood of emotions with them except for a little guilt and sadness. Somewhere in the apartment was a guy that loved him, who he loved, and not only was he putting Logan through hell but it was actually starting to upset him that he couldn't remember. He was missing a relationship he didn't even remember having.
Carlos shook his head and crossed the room to open the closet. It was easy to tell which side was his and which side was Logan's, or at least he assumed the clean side was Logan's. All the pants were just a little bit longer and the shirts a little bit smaller, and even if he didn't remember anything about himself he couldn't imagine ever wearing a sweater vest. It kind of surprised him to find a hockey uniform on both sides of the closet. James had told him yesterday that they all played on a hockey team together back in Minnesota, but he had kind of assumed Logan was the equipment manager or something. He could imagine the tiny, little guy body checking anyone. His fingers lingered over a pair of cut off jean shorts in his side of the closet. They were so short they almost looked like denim underwear. Logan liked it when he wore those shorts but he couldn't exactly remember why, but the realization brought a memory along with it. He was sitting in bed looking at some tan, buff guy in jean shorts on a lap top, Logan's head was on his shoulder, his arms were around his chest, and his legs were stretched on either side of him, and he could feel Logan's heat against the small of his back. He was surprised that the memory didn't unnerve him; he glanced in the mirror on the back of the closet door. He suppose he could bear a passing resemblance to the guy on the computer if he were a little taller and really….really optimistic. Carlos shook his head and closed the closet doors with a grin before heading into the bathroom.
He had barely closed the door behind him when a fresh wave of memories washed over him. Standing in the bathroom and watching through a crack in the door as Logan buried his nose in one of his shirts. The memory of chasing Logan around the room as he leaped and scurried like a squirrel made him laugh but he fell silent at the next memory. Logan pressed against the bathroom door, his knee between the smaller boy's legs pressing into him, his lips against his throat. Carlos said down on the toilet and held his head in his hands. He didn't like seeing all these memories float to the surface without feeling anything attached to him. It made him feel sick to his stomach, if he really loved Logan so much he should feel something shouldn't he? But the alternative was something he didn't want to think about, he couldn't be the kind of person who pretended to love someone just for sex could he? And if he was just pretending to have sex then why would he have given the other boy a ring?
When someone knocked on the bedroom door he jumped up and ran to answer it hoping it was Logan. He barely managed to hide his disappointment when he opened the door to find the small red headed woman he had met yesterday. He struggled to remember her name, but it failed to come to him all he knew was that she was Kendall's mother and she had been taking care of him….all of them really for a long time.
"Hi, how're you feeling?" She asked smiling brightly.
"My head feels better but my neck's a little sore." He said returning her smile uncomfortably. He wished he could remember her name; they called her Mammy Q or something like that. "Do you know where Logan is?" He asked finally.
"He's not in here with you?" She asked glancing around his shoulder in case, like she was checking to make sure he hadn't gone blind too or something. "He must have crashed with the other boys last night then."
"Okay," Carlos nodded.
"Is there anything you need before I take Katie to school?" She asked still smiling.
"I don't think so." She had gotten halfway across the room before he stopped her.
"Um…Kendall's mom." He called after her kicking himself as she turned and gave him a sad smile. When Logan woke up he'd ask her name again and write it down on his hand or something. "Do you think I love him, I mean like really love him?"
"Who, Logan?" She asked blinking in surprise. "I wish I could meet a man that loved me like you love that boy." She said shrugging before she headed towards the door.
"Thanks." Carlos said as she closed the front door behind her. He stepped back into the bedroom and closed the door behind him sliding down it to the floor.
Even when Carlos heard the other boys moving around in the living room he didn't get up to join them. He knew that spending time with them would probably help him regain his memories and sitting by himself in his room wasn't doing anything. But he wasn't sure how much more of watching Logan he could take. When Logan didn't know he was paying attention he played with his ring and the expression on his face was….well if Carlos had to pick a picture to put in the dictionary beside the definition of heartbreak it would be a picture of Logan. Even worse was the fact that he knew it was his fault, and there was nothing he could do to fix it yet. When another knock came at the door Carlos still bolted to his feet so quickly it made him a big dizzy. But it still wasn't Logan, James stood outside the door holding a black hockey helmet.
"Hey, I came to check on you and give this back." He said offering Carlos the helmet. "I shouldn't have taken it away from you yesterday." Carlos took the helmet and looked down at it. This was the thing he wore every day all day? He must look like a complete doof, no wonder James took it away from him. Still he lifted it to his head and put it on. He expected a memory about hockey, or about when he first got the helmet. Instead another memory of Logan rose to the surface. Logan was sitting under a big tree, his eyes were bloodshot and there were tear tracks on his face, Carlos had reached over and put the helmet on his head and buckled it under his chin. His fingers tingled as he remembered the feeling of Logan's skin under his fingers. Soft, but rough with the barest prickle of hair. When he snapped out of the reverie Carlos found James still standing there staring at him.
"Sorry, I've been doing that all day. Can I talk to you for a minute?" He asked stepping back into the room. James nodded and followed him into the bedroom. "How's Logan doing?"
"Dude, you don't remember your last name but you want to know how Logan's doing?" James asked smiling brightly.
"I've been having memories since I woke up, and they've all been about him. Seeing all of that, us together, I know he's got to be hurting." Carlos said, his fingers went up and ghosted over the helmet on his head and oddly enough it made him feel a little better, not much though.
"He'll be glad to hear that, he wouldn't tell you, but it really upset him that you didn't remember him." James said standing and heading towards the door.
"Don't!" Carlos yelped lunging for him. James stopped his in tracks and looked down at Carlos attached to his wrist.
"Okay, what's going on?" James asked returning to sit on Logan's bed.
"I want to tell you something but you have to swear you won't tell Logan or Kendall. It would really hurt Logan's feelings, and if those two are as close as you said they are Kendall would kill me dead." Carlos begged pacing across the room.
"Okay, I won't say anything." James said shrugging.
"I keep having these memories about Logan, but I don't feel anything attached to them." Carlos said without breaking his stride.
"What do you mean?" James asked his face twisting with consternation.
"I thought when I finally remembered something, anything about Logan I would feel this rush of love, but I haven't felt anything yet and that scares me. I mean what if I'm some douche bag who never really loved him and only played along to get in his pants, or what if I really did love him and I get all my memories back but the part of my brain that loved him got splattered when I hit that wall?" Carlos said panicked. "I don't know him, I don't even know me, but I don't want to hurt him like that."
"Carlos, whatever else you are you aren't a douche bag, you wouldn't have sex with Logan if you didn't love him. I think Manny raised you better than that. And I don't think there's a wall big enough to completely squash the part of you that loves Logan. I've seen you two together, you're entire brain is in love with the kid." James said smiling as he stood up again. "Mama K left some breakfast on the table if you're hungry." He said moving towards the door. Carlos grabbed a pen off of Logan's dresser and scribbled 'Mamma K' on his hand.
Carlos still wasn't ready to see Logan but his stomach protested vehemently after James left. Finally as the hunger turned to nausea he got off his bed and headed into the living room. If he was lucky Kendall had already taken Logan out to take his mind off things. Of course if he was lucky he wouldn't have head butted the wall without a helmet and lost his memory. Either way it didn't matter. When he walked into the kitchen Logan was sitting at the counter with his head resting on his hand stirring a bowl of cereal halfheartedly. Whatever emotions that had been held back from the memories came rushing in so quickly that Carlos' breath caught in his throat with a gasp. He still didn't remember everything, the school they had gone to, or his mother's name, but he remembered how he felt about Logan.
"Princess," he said struggling to push the word past the knot in his throat. Logan's head shot up and he slid of the stool moving towards Carlos slowly. When he was an arm's length away Carlos reached out and grabbed him pulling him into a hug. As he buried his head into the warm skin between Logan's shoulder and neck he inhaled deeply and couldn't imagine how he'd ever forgotten this feeling. "I'm so sorry, I forgot you." He said as Logan pulled away. When he looked up he saw tears in Logan's eyes but a smile was stretched across his lips even as they trembled.
"It's okay; just don't take off your helmet….ever again." Logan said, he grabbed Carlos and kissed him so hard the breath flew out of his body and his head spun.
A/N: If there is any song that should go with this fic it's Memories by Within Temptation. You should drop by youtube and give it a listen; it's an awesome song from and awesome band. This isn't the fiction I promised when I ended In the Rain, but it's even better because it's really a continuation of the original story instead of its own story like the other one. I hope you guys enjoy it, because I really enjoyed writing for the boys again. Bon Nuit, mon amis.