Hi guys! This is my first fanfic and I really hope it is worth reading! Please, please review as I can't improve without knowing my mistakes! I love criticism so please don't be afraid to speak your mind! Thanks again!
I don't know what I expected to find when I got home to District 12. The place I grew up maybe? The place I could always rely on to calm me? Focus me at my most confused times? Somewhere I had friends and family who loved and cared for me all around? Whatever it was, it was not this.
When I wake in my bed each morning I am immediately filled with the absolute nothingness I have been feeling for the past month or so, since I got back to 12. There is something about this nothingness that tends to make me think it is better than actually feeling, actually living. It is safe to be wrapped in it's grasp, safe from the memories and emotions and reminders of the destruction I have caused. The loss of life I have caused. The guilt that I feel when I come out from the darkness for even a few moments is so over whelming that Haymitch found me with a knife in my hands once, as I rocked back and forth on the bathroom floor. He took all the knives from my kitchen after that.
The few times this has happened, that I have attempted to wake up from the deep slumber of nothingness I have put myself into, all I can think of is Prim, Finnick, Rue, and so many others, so many nameless faces of people I know I killed.
The first time I walk down stairs, into my kitchen without anyone forcing me to, I am greeted with a huge smile from Greasy Sae who is cooking one of my meals in my kitchen as she has been ever since she returns. I can see the look of surprise and happiness that she is wearing at my improvement. No matter what I do though, I can not drag the corners of my mouth up and return the smile, I only stare blankly ahead and take slow, careful spoonfuls of the porridge she has made for me.
Now, when I come down for breakfast as I have been for several weeks I notice that there is something different about the house next to mine. I walk closer to the window that faces the house and see a glowing light coming from one of the windows and smoke rising from the chimney. My face, blank as always, gives away no hint of emotion but my mind is buzzing with the thought that the owner of that house has returned.
I turn around and take my seat at the kitchen table as I always do and try not to give much thought about anything. Try to fall back into the nothingness I have come so accustomed to. I can't though. It's not as easy as it has been for the last two months. For the first time I am not able to free all emotions from my mind and I don't know why. So instead, I stare blankly ahead and eat my porridge.
I continue on like this for a few more days before I look out the window again to see someone at the front of my house, kneeling down in the grass. When I see the blond head of hair I know exactly who it is. I get up from my chair and immediately walk to the front door, yanking it open and staring at the boy who is what looks to be tending my garden. I glance at the new plant that has been neatly planted in rows along the front of my house and my knees go week at the realization of what these are. There must be twenty, maybe even thirty of the small bushes of flowers, all a light pink colour. They are so big and beautiful and perfect that I immediately begin to sob, something I haven't done once since coming back to Twelve.
The primroses that line my garden remind me of everything good about Prim and her life. When Peeta runs up onto the porch where I am standing and embraces me I let him.
"I'm so sorry Katniss, I'm sorry. Forgive me, it was a stupid idea. I shouldn't have planted them. I'm sorry." As I continue to wet his shirt with my tears all I can do is shake my head back and forth and try to get the message across to him that he should not be apologizing. That what he did was absolutely perfect. I can't find the words though and he continues to apologize as we sink to the ground, still wrapped in each others arms. Then I utter the first words I have spoken in nearly two months.
"Thank you." It's merely a whisper but I know Peeta has heard when he pulls back and looks me in the eyes. Only then are the good images of Prim suddenly gone and I remind myself of the fact that I was the one who caused her not to be here anymore and my face takes the glazed over look again. My limbs go limp and I am no longer embracing Peeta.
"Katniss? No, Katniss don't do this again. Please, no." and Peeta holds me tighter. He lifts me up and carries me into my house where he lays me down on my bed after carrying me up the stairs. I curl up into my blankets and once again attempt to feel no emotion as the nothingness drags me into its tight grip.
Peeta's P.O.V.
As I lay her onto the bed I know this won't be easy, bringing her out of her depression again. But I saw a glimmer of hope today when she saw the primroses. I can only hope for that to come out again and stay. I hate to see her like this and I know I have to help her. And so when I hear her screaming in the middle of the night, I run out of my house and into hers.
I run up the stairs, taking them two at a time. When I find her on her bed with her hands covering her ears and screams coming from her mouth I throw my arms around her and whisper calming words into her ear.
"Not real Katniss, not real, not real, not real. It's okay. You're safe, not real." As I repeat those two little words over and over I can feel her physically start to relax in my arms. She is shivering though. Not because she is cold, but because the she is reliving the deaths of so many people over and over again. I know what it's like. I get them too, the nightmares. Although I don't wake up screaming, I wake up paralyzed in fear every night.
I have only one answer for her when she asks me to stay with her. "Always." I tell her and she falls asleep with me right beside her, scaring away her demons as she scares away mine. I realize that in this moment I feel at peace, with my arms wrapped around her sleeping body.
I would have come back to 12 sooner than I did but Dr. Aurelius wouldn't allow it until now. The process of healing from what Snow did to me hasn't been easy. To be this close to Katniss without being overcome with a flashback would have been impossible just a few months ago. I am grateful to be back now to help and protect Katniss however I can.
The next morning when I wake up I open my eyes to see the bright sunshine pouring through the window in Katniss' bedroom. I look down to see her still curled up in my arms and I can't help but stare. She is so beautiful. Taking a close look at her I start to see the toll she is taking from not eating or moving around enough. She is extremely skinny and I can see ever bone in her body. There are deep dark circles under her eyes that tell me she hasn't been sleeping well. Her hair is matted from not being brushed in days, maybe even weeks.
I begin tracing lines on her shoulders and back lightly with my finger. As I do this I listen to the birds outside the window singing and chirping. I feel Katniss tense against me and begin to stir. I stop drawing the patterns and turn my attention to her face as her eyes flutter open. She is confused at first but when she turns around and her eyes find mine she buries her face against my chest and lets out a content sigh.
"Good morning." I say quietly. She says nothing in response though. "Are you hungry?" I ask her. "I think Sae is downstairs making breakfast right now." I try to nudge her so I can see her face but she stays put against my chest and says nothing.
I shift away from her and off of the bed and stand and look at her. I offer her my hand and say "Come on Katniss, please come and eat." She stares at me for a moment before taking my hand in her own as I help her up and off of the bed. We walk down the stairs like this, hand in hand but she still has that blank expression on her face. I can't help but frown slightly.
We walk into the kitchen to find Greasy Sae standing there, hovering over a pan with what looks to be some sort of omelette in it. She turns around to see the two of us and looks surprised at first, before giving us a warm smile. I say good morning and sit next to Katniss at the table.
Sae brings over two plates before quickly cleaning up and leaving the house with a quick goodbye. I thank her before sitting back down beside Katniss. She hasn't taken a bite of her breakfast. "Katniss you have to eat that, come on." I sat trying to coax her to pick up the fork. "Please eat. It's not good for you to be living like this. Please." She finally picks up her fork and takes a cautious bite of the cooked egg. "Thank you." I tell her and give her a quick kiss on the cheek.
She looks at me with those big grey eyes that I simply love and I cannot look away. She finally does and takes another bite of her meal, suddenly finding her appetite I suppose. A huge grin makes its way onto my face at this small win.