NOTE: I apologize, doesn't let me use the correct spacing for this story, so it completely ruins the formatting and looks awful. You can also read it at my wordpress or deviantART, message me for links.
Personal Log
Property of ALPH, Confidential
Entry 1
Today we left Koppai to find food. Our people are starving and desperate for something to eat, but their gluttonous nature is what leaves them hungry in the first place. Nevertheless, if not for our people, our own hunger compels us to leave the relative comfort of our home and begin a search for edible matter on another planet that we can bring back with us.
My hope is that we have adequate room on the S.S. Drake to transport food back home, and that we are successful in finding enough food to feed everyone.
I've password-protected and encrypted this data file, since it is my own personal log and not associated with the official logs I am keeping for the mission. There are some things I'd like to say that would be better kept confidential.
-Alph
Entry 2
The trick to bringing back food will be keeping an eye on Brittany; she's been known to consume large portions of food, much more than her share. I know this because she rations out the juice we have on board, and Captain Charlie and I always get the smaller rations. (She doesn't know that I'm aware of this.)
She is very in touch with her Koppaian roots. It would be no effort for her to down an entire bottle of juice by "accident".
-Alph
Entry 3
The S.S. Drake holds steady and flies well through deep space. My grandfather was a genius. The designs he drafted nearly fifteen years ago perform beautifully. He longed to see his dream spacecraft built during his lifetime, but the technology it required was barely there before he passed. With the help of my fellow engineers, we were able to fabricate his dream, and the Drake was built three years after his passing.
It's a sight to behold, and I am certain he would be proud of our completed work. An ever-humble Koppaite, he would blush to know I named the ship in his honor. In this and many other ways, he remains with me.
-Alph
Entry 4
It is possible to see Koppai from where we are in deep space. Though millions of miles away, our planet shines brightly like a tiny gem under the light; a luminous sapphire pressed into the crushed black velvet of the cosmos, outshining every other celestial diamond on display in the universe. The distinct blue glow she gives off is comforting and fills me with the warmth of hope… The hope that our quest will not be in vain and that one day, we will fall back into the welcoming embrace of our home.
I'm feeling a little homesick today. I don't want Brittany and especially Captain Charlie to see me wiping away tears, so with that I will close.
-Alph
Entry 5
What I would give for a full meal today! Brittany goes on about her fruit research, reading aloud her observations as if the Captain and I asked to be teased with her tantalizing descriptions. Rations are getting old very quickly. I keep tasting the memory of my grandmother's stew; a hearty, sweet, seed-filled concoction, the staple dish of my formative years. I long for real food! What a selfish thing to be crying while my people starve!
I had a thought just now: if you see things remembered with your "mind's eye", what do you taste memories with… your "mind's mouth"?
-Alph
Entry 6
Captain Charlie is an enigma that I will never be able to decipher. It is difficult for me to wrap my mind around the fact that an intergalactic war veteran, familiar with hardship and no stranger to death, is almost unhealthily attached to a tiny, yellow rubber ducky that he insisted we bring along for "good luck". It floats aimlessly around the ship at all times except for night time, when I am sure it is tucked safely under Captain's blankets with him.
I have never seen this for myself, but one of these days I intend to peek into Captain's quarters while he is soundly asleep and find out for sure.
-Alph
Entry 7
I've put off writing here for several days. I've been adjusting the Drake's long-range scanners to help us easily locate fruit on PNF-404. Every step is dutifully recorded in the official S.S. Drake log file, so I won't mention any details about the procedure here. It was no easy task; the last two nights have been sleepless ones, and I look forward to a long and peaceful rest tonight. I'm satisfied with the result of my work and believe with this adjustment, it won't be long until we find food once we land.
…I just looked up and opened my eyes to realize I had written the above paragraph, but I don't quite remember doing so. Was I asleep? Maybe I should retire early…
-Alph
Entry 8
Brittany was humming a strange but familiar tune today. My ears picked it up from the other side of the room and it arrested my attention, and a pang of nostalgic familiarity struck me. I couldn't place where I had heard it and finally asked her what she was singing. Turns out it was a silly tune we both learned as infant Koppaites in our early school years, with words that instructed us to play fair, share, and be kind to one another. As a result, the catchy little ditty has been circulating through my head all afternoon, bringing back fond memories of childhood. Though I am still young, it seems a lifetime ago.
-Alph
Entry 9
Captain Charlie has no wife or children that I know of, and if I'm not mistaken, he also has no siblings and his parents are estranged. He is alone! Imagine how gloomy it would be to live without the comfort of family! Perhaps this is why he keeps that strange rubber ducky with him. Maybe he considers it his companion. (On that note, I still haven't found out if he sleeps with it or not.)
I often keep him company but I'm not sure he appreciates my presence. He has acted stand-offish since he met Brittany and me. I was hoping that being close together during the mission would help him improve his relationship with us, but it looks like I will have to try harder to get him to engage.
-Alph
Entry 10
I've been testing out the navigation system on my KopPad and programming it with the coordinates for PNF-404 with success. More than likely, it will prove to be one of my most useful tools. I feel that it has the potential for many more uses than it is programmed with now, but I may not know its full capability until after we've done some extensive exploration. The KopPads we were given are standard issue for any of our space explorers, but they're fully customizable and I'm able to use that to our advantage. I'm anxious to see what kind of other uses I'll discover for it.
-Alph
Entry 11
Brittany's work fascinates me. She is a terribly talented botanist endowed with incredible aptitude in the field; the perfect fit for this mission. Every so often when she is away from her desk, I'll thumb through her notes because I just love the way she writes. Sometimes I catch myself studying her, noticing things like how she always chews the end of her pencil when she is in thought, or how she bobs her head back and forth and hums happily when she gets an idea. She also happens to be... quite pretty.
This is ridiculous. Why am I writing this?!
-Alph
Entry 12
How big is this universe? I don't think we will ever know! It seems that each day, scientists are discovering new planets within new galaxies that aren't really new at all... They are in fact millions of years old, and we are simply slow to unwrapping the secrets of the universe. As I look out at space through the window, I feel so insignificant as I try to fathom the depth of the massive expanse we live in, or try to figure out where our little planet fits into the grand design. What if we do not fit at all? What if we were an accident? Were there accidents in the formation of the universe, or does everything have an order and a place?
I can't sleep tonight. I am so hungry.
-Alph
Entry 13
Days are long. We approach PNF-404 carefully and slowly, but each day is another bottle of juice depleted. We have been in space for fourteen days now and only packed food enough for thirty days. My initial calculations estimated that it would take roughly twenty-five days to travel there, but now it is looking like it might be closer to twenty-seven or twenty-eight. That doesn't give us much time to search for food once we land.
The only reason I am taking the time to write this here and not in my official log is because I must admit that I'm scared to death we won't survive.
-Alph
Entry 14
Captain Charlie spilled yesterday's rations all over the place last night. Normally Brittany doles out the rations, as I've mentioned, but Captain took it upon himself for once. While it troubled me to know that a whole day's worth of food had been wasted (not to mention we'd have to dig into the next day's rations), I remained lighthearted about the situation and attempted to laugh it off, hoping it would ease the tension. Instead, Brittany yelled at me and insisted there was nothing funny about losing food, and that I should get a grip and be more sensitive. I've never seen her that upset before. Personally, I think she should have yelled at Captain... he was the one who spilled the juice in the first place!
-Alph
Entry 15
Homesickness eats away at me like a worm! I am trying to be strong; trying to focus on the task at hand, but every other night as I attempt to fall asleep, I feel a painful gnawing in my gut that reminds me how far away from home I am. This is one of those nights. I got up to look out the window at Koppai, hoping it would comfort me to see my home, but I found myself fighting tears instead.
I hate this. I just want someone to hold me. I miss my grandfather.
-Alph
Entry 16
Captain was on the control deck all by himself today, so I sat down beside him and began to ask him all kinds of questions. Where on Koppai did he grow up? How many other planets has he been to? Was there a love interest in his life? (Naturally, that one made him quite uncomfortable.) What was his favorite food? Why was he there at the control deck alone? Not surprisingly, he didn't respond to any of the questions with more than a grunt of annoyance. It must have been after my twentieth question or so that he finally told me to leave him alone, though I desperately wanted to simply sit beside him and be in his company. I left obediently, though. Captain's orders.
Despite being a crew of three, it's still easy to feel lonely at times. I like to believe that secretly, Captain appreciates having me around.
-Alph
Entry 17
If Koppaites ate vegetables, there would be no starvation problem. It sounds like a ridiculously straightforward answer to our problem, but unfortunately it isn't that simple. There is an abundance of vegetables, more than enough to feed everyone hundreds, even thousands of times over, but we are an extremely picky breed and refuse to eat anything other than fruit. Vegetables are utterly repulsive, I'll even admit so myself. However, a bit of common sense and the masterful control of one's gag reflex are all it would take to feed the hungry. Why wasn't this idea ever tossed around?
I briefly thought about mentioning this to Brittany, but she would shoot it down as quickly as the government shot us out into space to look for more fruit.
-Alph
Entry 18
I sat with Captain a little longer today. He finds solace on the control deck, staring at the wide array of rhythmic blinking lights, his ducky accompanying him at all times. He answered a few of my questions this time… Perhaps because I only asked a handful and gave him ample time to respond. (I may have been too rushed the last time.) He described to me one of the intergalactic battles he fought, and it all sounded so grand and glorious; I could vividly picture him standing tall on a rocky hill with his shoulders back and fist raised high, boldly leading his troops into combat, with no trace of fear wrinkling his brow or tightening his jaw. He seemed very proud of his accomplishments as he told his story, and it was refreshing to see his face alight with purpose and his eyes sparkle with pride.
What an inspiration! I am honored that we have been placed under the leadership of such an incredible captain! If only I had a singular iota of his courage… I would be a much braver man!
-Alph
Entry 19
I caught Brittany red-handed when she divided out our juice tonight! She didn't see me, but I was just around the corner, keeping a careful eye on her as she poured out each of our portions into separate containers. Just as I thought… she filled hers with much more than ours, then drank it down until it matched what we had in our containers. I could not believe my eyes!
When I was a child, before dinner I would often sneak bites from the cooking pot before everyone came down to eat. Brittany's behavior reminds me of those infantile days, which is troubling to me since she is an adult, and not a three-year-old child.
-Alph
Entry 20
PNF-404 is closer than ever! The last few days were spent traveling in hyperspeed after a slingshot maneuver around another planet. We've gained much ground this way, and soon enough we will be preparing to land. There are several thousand more lightyears to go before we will even enter the gravitational field of PNF-404. At that point, we can initiate the landing sequence. Just typing that out gives me jitters. So close, yet so far away!
Sometimes I worry that these entries are too technical and not personal enough, but oftentimes I just need to empty my brain. Maybe I should rename this file to "Dump Log", since that's all I seem to do here. These entries are nothing of value or significance… Just the leftovers of the day's problem-solving.
-Alph
Entry 21
I've been feverishly preparing for our landing and repeatedly performing simulated test runs of the Drake's landing sequence to make sure everything is right. If there is even one step missed in the process or the slightest manual error, it could throw us completely off course or severely harm our descent into the atmosphere of PNF-404. All that said, last night was another all-nighter for me. I shouldn't work so hard, but I can't help it. The utmost dedication to work, even at the cost of sleep, is the mark of any decent engineer worth his weight in gold.
The strangest thing is that I think I fell asleep while working. Not uncommon for me... I usually find out I've been asleep when I wake up with my face planted on the desk. But this morning, I woke up in my own sleeping knapsack. How peculiar. I've never been known to sleepwalk, so the only explanation I can think of is that someone carried me to bed, but I can't imagine that neither Brittany nor Captain Charlie would do that.
-Alph
Entry 22
I often feel inferior in the presence of Brittany and Captain Charlie. Both are so intelligent and sharp and can solve a problem on their feet without batting an eye. Both possess a mental capacity I could only dream of having. Brittany's mind is an infinite warehouse of information that she stores strategically and systematically, in a way that is always immediately accessible to her. I don't know how she does it, but it seems that she always has an answer to everything the moment you ask her a question. While he is also intelligent, Captain on the other hand doesn't always retain information as well as Brittany does, but that does not diminish his competency as captain, nor does it affect his acumen overall.
Brittany is eyeing me from the other side of the room as I type this. She seems confused. I asked her just now why she was looking at me like that, was there something on my face?... To which she simply responded, "Yeah, your really red cheeks."
…I was blushing? Oh no!
-Alph
Entry 23
I finally did it. I snuck into Captain's quarters to find out if he sleeps with his ducky at night and am so glad I did. Not only was I right about the ducky (he keeps it tucked in with him, right by his chin, as I suspected), but he also talks in his sleep and even laughs! It's strange I've never heard him from the other room. I had to slip in and out quickly, since I was holding back my own laughter. I can't wait to tell Brittany that my suspicions about the rubber ducky were spot-on.
-Alph
Entry 24
I think I had a nightmare last night. I awoke abruptly from a deep sleep with my heart galloping and my face and neck drenched in sweat. The most disgusting, gut-twisting feeling gripped my stomach and was so overpowering that I felt nauseated. My senses flooded with panic, and I struggled to catch my breath and orient myself. I was on the verge of sobbing. For the life of me I cannot recall what I was dreaming about. I can't even remember the last time I dreamt something so horrifying that I was jarred out of sleep that violently.
I type this with the KopPad placed on my pillow. Luckily it was within reach when I woke up. I can't explain why, but I'm too terrified to crawl out of bed.
-Alph
Entry 25
I end every entry with my name and realized how odd that is. Why must I sign my name when I'm the only one who will ever read this file? The thought seems rather silly now that I ponder it, but at the same time I think it would feel strange to end an entry without it.
On a somewhat-related note, I've always wished I had a nicer, more important-sounding name (like Captain Charlie… perhaps short for Charles? What a distinguished name!). Alph, in its brevity, its singular syllable and four distinct letters, only seem to reinforce my diminutive stature.
-Alph
Entry 26
PNF-404 threatens to snatch us out of deep space. Its gravitational pull is strong now, and we will be able to initiate landing within the next couple days or so. The planet fills up most of our windows and looms closer with every passing hour. It is strikingly beautiful; covered in lush, green continents, glistening with sparkling blue oceans, crowned with icy tundras, and clothed in thick, swirling clouds. I've never beheld such a breathtaking view!
With landing approaching quickly, we tested out our exploration suits and helmets to ensure all was functioning properly, went over the contingency plans, and took inventory of the remaining food we have on board. Thankfully, we had much more than I anticipated and have a comfortable cushion in case we do not find food for several days.
I'm feeling much more confident about things overall… A huge improvement over how I felt last week.
-Alph
Entry 27
A most unusual thing today… Captain Charlie took the time to thank me for all my hard work getting things ready for landing, saying I was a valuable member of the team and that he appreciated everything I do. I was utterly floored hearing the words come out of his mouth. I've never heard him praise anyone, not even Brittany. Most likely, the reply of gratitude I managed to stammer out sounded absolutely ridiculous in light of what he said to me.
The fact that Captain affirmed me in such a way was the last thing I expected, but I'll admit that it was everything I wanted. I could take on the world right now!
-Alph
Entry 28
I remembered what I had a nightmare about the other night: I was exploring caves several miles underground with Captain Charlie and we had no supplies or equipment on hand. I don't recall Brittany being there with us. I realized after some time that I'd walked ahead quite a ways alone... Captain was nowhere to be found. I began to panic and ran back several paces to find him lying on the ground, slowly rocking back and forth. I knelt down beside him and noticed a crack in his helmet. He was choking, he couldn't breathe. His suit was compromised and he had lost all breathable air. I don't know how the crack got there. There was nothing I could do; I had no way to save him, and I held him in my arms, sobbing, until he died.
It was so gruesome to see him suffer such a horrible death. I feel ill as I recall it.
-Alph
Entry 29
I stuck by Captain's side all day today, but this time he didn't seem to mind as much. He even engaged in some small conversation with me. We discussed landing and the exploration of PNF-404, and I gently brought up my newfound fears of being separated (hopefully I didn't sound like I was afraid. Obviously, I never mentioned the nightmare). To that, he looked me square in the eye and said, "Alph, if that were to happen, you don't need to worry. I guarantee you'll have your wits about you. You're smart enough; you'd find the rest of the crew in a heartbeat." He then paused and cracked a small smile before finishing with, "Don't worry… I'd be looking for you, too."
As we approach PNF-404 for landing, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of peace. The residual fear I felt, induced by that night terror, has melted away. Perhaps it's because of Captain's comforting words, or maybe from something else, I'm not sure. I have no doubt in my mind now that our mission will be a success.
Onward and up, onward and up, as my grandfather used to say.
- Alph