Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize from any Jeopardy, Saturday Night
Live, or Harry Potter anything.
A/N: Since lots of people really liked my last Celebrity Magical Jeopardy,
I decided to write another one. The idea has been in the works for a while,
but now it'll be out for all to see. This celeb jeopardy features Alex
Trebek, Harry Potter, Severus Snape, and Burt Reynolds. I know Burt
Reynolds is not so magical but Sean Connery isn't either, and I always have
to have some comical relief.
*Lights go up and camera pans out over contestants and host*
Alex Trebek: Hello, and welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Due to the surprising popularity of the last one, today's show is another special 'magical' edition. Harry Potter is the only returning member of last show's cast, thank God, and he is in the lead with a grand total of $17. His potions teacher from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Severus Snape, is another of our contestants, and he is doing better than expected with an impossible $1.57.
Severus Snape: You know, I really don't appreciate that 'racehorse' question about me on the last show.
AT: I don't care. I-
SS: I like to think I'm hung more like a wildcat, myself.
AT: Moving on. Moving on very quickly. Thank God Sean Connery isn't here.
Burt Reynolds: But I am!
AT: Oh yes, I know, and it warms the cockles of my heart.
Harry Potter: he he, cockles.
AT: If you haven't already guessed, our third contestant is none other than Burt Reynolds. Why do they put me through this hell day after day? (Buries face in his hands)
HP: I think its 'cuz they hate you.
AT: Thank you for that, Mr. Potter. And now for the categories. Quidditch, An Album Cover (not anal bum cover for those of you as unfortunate as me to have witnessed Mr. Connery's fantastic reading skills that day), What Draco Malfoy is Smoking, Potent Potions, Condiments, Which Weasley, Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans (every answer to these questions will be Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans), and the Sorting Hat. Mr. Potter, as you are in the lead, you may pick the category.
HP: I'll take My Ass is a Quidditch Pitch for 800 please, Alex.
AT: (sighs noisily) Mr. Potter, that is not even a category. I can see this going to be a really long night. Please choose again.
HP: Fine, then, surprise me!
AT: OK, if it'll get you to shut up. Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans for 600. One of these tastes like earwax.
(Harry rings in.)
AT: Yes, Mr. Potter?
HP: What is Snape's hair?
SS: Hey, I resent that.
AT: No, that is the most definitely wrong answer.
BR: Hey kid, I don't even want to know how you know what Mr. Grease's hair tastes like.
AT: Why do I even show up here anymore? Have I died and gone to Hell? On that note, please kill me now. Anybody? No takers? Fine. I guess Snape can choose next.
SS: What Draco Malfoy is Smoking for 928, please.
AT: Absolutely stupendous. You do know that that is not an applicable bid, right?
SS: Oh, I'm totally aware.
AT: (rolls eyes) Fine then, we'll just use the 800 category because it is closest to your crackpot ideas. This plant is known as marijuana. Mr. Potter?
HP: What is aloe vera?
AT: Wrong.
HP: Fine, who is aloe vera?
AT: Still wrong. I even gave you the answer in the question.
SS: (grinning) 100 points from Gryffindor!
HP: We're not at Hogwarts, you big, oily, eyeliner wearing ass! You can't take points away from me here! Are you really as stupid as you look?
SS: (starts to cry and hides behind his podium) Why are you so mean? Stop yelling at me! Where are all of the grownups?
BR: Look at the little baby, crying for his mommy!
SS: Momma!
AT: Stop crying! I hate it when guests cry and I am not the one making them cry. Here, I'll give you $200, which will put you in the lead, if you'll only stop that incessant blubbering.
SS: (stands quickly, calm once again) I accept. (Aside to Harry) See? I told you before that I wasn't a person to be reckoned with, and Trebek can see that. He gave me that money because he sees my power and incredible influence.
BR: Sorry to burst your little fantasy bubble, Sevvie, but Trebek only gave you the money because you were crying like a little 4 year old girl who just shoved a crayon too far up her nose.
HP: Oh, and also because he likes you.
SS: (shrugs) OF course, everyone likes me!
HP: Let me put this in words you can understand. He is in love with your ass.
SS: (looking behind him at his butt) Well, I have a very nice tush, if I do say so myself.
BR: he, he, tush.
HP: Trebek is gay, Snape.
SS: No, he isn't.
AT: No, I'm not. Why does my gender preference come up on every show? I'm not gay.
HP: Yes, you are.
SS: How do you know?
HP: (taps finger against chin in thoughtful gesture) Well, let's see. He's sensitive, like s the colours pink and purple, is a better shopper than most of the girls I have dated, and oh yeah, he likes other men.
SS: So it's true!
BR: The evidence is very convincing Alex. AT: (overreacting) You know nothing! You have no proof! None! (Talking to himself) OK, calm down Trebek, or they'll actually figure out your secret. They'll find out all about Manuel. Can't let that happen! (Looks up to see everyone watching him, very amused.) Was my microphone on just now?
BR: Oh, of course not. We heard nothing (snickers).
AT: I think we have time for one more question before we got to Final Jeopardy. And just for kicks, although I know I'll regret it later, Burt, why don't you choose the category?
BR: No scuzz film would be complete without a shoot-out in a diner.
AT: What????
BR: Hey, no one ever took peanut butter to show and tell!
AT: My God! Viewers, mark this day on your calendars. Burt Reynolds has finally gone crazy. Not just the new crazy that is sweeping the nation, but full-blown leisure suit wearing, blue lipstick, want to have sex with Michael Jackson crazy.
SS: We've been ignoring fettuccine.
AT: Oh no, not you too! Now the only sane ones left are Potter and I, and frankly, that's not saying much. Let's just go to the Final Jeopardy. The sooner we finish this, the sooner I can get out of here and back to Manuel.I mean Manuela. A female. Manuela. I'm dead. Moving on. If one of your doesn't get this question, then you are so stupid you do not deserve to be living. The question is: these are the four houses at Hogwarts. See? Easy as an old French whore.
BR: But I'm not magical! I never went to Hogwarts!
AT: Why don't you cry about it?
BR: Can't. That's Snape's job.
AT: Just answer the question.
(Lights dim, Jeopardy music comes on.)
AT: Time's up. Now let's see what you people have managed to write down. This should be mindnumbing, or at least relatively painless.
SS: Alex, your heavy sarcasm hurts. It hurts in this general area (drawing a circle around his heart.) (A/N: inside joke, sorry!) If you don't watch what you say, you may not be able to tap this ass.
AT: (shudders) What a pity. Harry Potter, you're in the lead, as I've decided to take the pity money away from Snape for the previous ass comment. Let's see what you've written. 'Lime is lemon's evil twin.' Scintillating, but wrong. And you wagered, 'Professor Snape.' Mr. Potter, I thought we went over this on the last show. You cannot wager a person!
HP: Snape isn't a person!
AT: What? Yes, he is.
HP: Is not!
AT: As much as I'd love to continue this witty repartee with you, I can't. What is your reasoning for wagering Snape?
HP: Well, I knew I was wrong so instead of losing money, I looked forward to your confiscating Snape instead.
AT: I can just see the wheels turning in your mind. Too bad I think one or more of the gears are broken.
HP: Hunh?
AT: Never mind. Next contestant. I see that Professor Snape has resorted back to crying and hiding behind his podium.
SS: I'm not coming out until you all are a little bit more receptive and respective of my needs as a person. What are the chances of that?
BR: slim to nil.
SS: Then I'm not coming out. Ever!
HP: Yes! (Pumps fist in the air)
AT: Do I even dare to ask you what you've written, Burt?
BR: You know you love me Trebek.
AT: (softly, in a daze) I do, and I always will. But you'll never have me. (Seems to wake up.) What? Oh, ok, you wrote.well, it appears as if you didn't write anything. You just drew stick figures in compromising positions.
BR: (very proud) This one's of you, Trebek (pointing to the stick figure with the huge moustache.) And this one's of-
AT: You? (Hopefully)
BR: No, of Baby face Snape over there. Just a little question, Trebek. Did you play baseball as a child?
AT: Of course. I was the catcher.
BR: (roars in laughter) I knew it! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!
AT: What's so funny?
BR: (wiping tears of laughter away, still wheezing) Nothing, nothing. He he he, you're the catcher!
AT: Potter, what the hell is he saying?
HP: (shrugs) sorry, can't help you there.
AT: Well, I guess that's the end of the show, which makes Harry Potter the winner for the 2nd time in a row. Thank you for watching. I hope you enjoyed watching me in my personal hell.
BR: I know I did!
HP: (aside to Snape who is still crying) Look, Snape. I won! I won! I beat you!
SS: Yes, but Alex Trebek isn't in love with you! (smirks a little, his face slowly appearing over the top of the podium.)
HP: Why do you make that sound like a bad thing?
THE END
*Lights go up and camera pans out over contestants and host*
Alex Trebek: Hello, and welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Due to the surprising popularity of the last one, today's show is another special 'magical' edition. Harry Potter is the only returning member of last show's cast, thank God, and he is in the lead with a grand total of $17. His potions teacher from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Severus Snape, is another of our contestants, and he is doing better than expected with an impossible $1.57.
Severus Snape: You know, I really don't appreciate that 'racehorse' question about me on the last show.
AT: I don't care. I-
SS: I like to think I'm hung more like a wildcat, myself.
AT: Moving on. Moving on very quickly. Thank God Sean Connery isn't here.
Burt Reynolds: But I am!
AT: Oh yes, I know, and it warms the cockles of my heart.
Harry Potter: he he, cockles.
AT: If you haven't already guessed, our third contestant is none other than Burt Reynolds. Why do they put me through this hell day after day? (Buries face in his hands)
HP: I think its 'cuz they hate you.
AT: Thank you for that, Mr. Potter. And now for the categories. Quidditch, An Album Cover (not anal bum cover for those of you as unfortunate as me to have witnessed Mr. Connery's fantastic reading skills that day), What Draco Malfoy is Smoking, Potent Potions, Condiments, Which Weasley, Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans (every answer to these questions will be Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans), and the Sorting Hat. Mr. Potter, as you are in the lead, you may pick the category.
HP: I'll take My Ass is a Quidditch Pitch for 800 please, Alex.
AT: (sighs noisily) Mr. Potter, that is not even a category. I can see this going to be a really long night. Please choose again.
HP: Fine, then, surprise me!
AT: OK, if it'll get you to shut up. Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans for 600. One of these tastes like earwax.
(Harry rings in.)
AT: Yes, Mr. Potter?
HP: What is Snape's hair?
SS: Hey, I resent that.
AT: No, that is the most definitely wrong answer.
BR: Hey kid, I don't even want to know how you know what Mr. Grease's hair tastes like.
AT: Why do I even show up here anymore? Have I died and gone to Hell? On that note, please kill me now. Anybody? No takers? Fine. I guess Snape can choose next.
SS: What Draco Malfoy is Smoking for 928, please.
AT: Absolutely stupendous. You do know that that is not an applicable bid, right?
SS: Oh, I'm totally aware.
AT: (rolls eyes) Fine then, we'll just use the 800 category because it is closest to your crackpot ideas. This plant is known as marijuana. Mr. Potter?
HP: What is aloe vera?
AT: Wrong.
HP: Fine, who is aloe vera?
AT: Still wrong. I even gave you the answer in the question.
SS: (grinning) 100 points from Gryffindor!
HP: We're not at Hogwarts, you big, oily, eyeliner wearing ass! You can't take points away from me here! Are you really as stupid as you look?
SS: (starts to cry and hides behind his podium) Why are you so mean? Stop yelling at me! Where are all of the grownups?
BR: Look at the little baby, crying for his mommy!
SS: Momma!
AT: Stop crying! I hate it when guests cry and I am not the one making them cry. Here, I'll give you $200, which will put you in the lead, if you'll only stop that incessant blubbering.
SS: (stands quickly, calm once again) I accept. (Aside to Harry) See? I told you before that I wasn't a person to be reckoned with, and Trebek can see that. He gave me that money because he sees my power and incredible influence.
BR: Sorry to burst your little fantasy bubble, Sevvie, but Trebek only gave you the money because you were crying like a little 4 year old girl who just shoved a crayon too far up her nose.
HP: Oh, and also because he likes you.
SS: (shrugs) OF course, everyone likes me!
HP: Let me put this in words you can understand. He is in love with your ass.
SS: (looking behind him at his butt) Well, I have a very nice tush, if I do say so myself.
BR: he, he, tush.
HP: Trebek is gay, Snape.
SS: No, he isn't.
AT: No, I'm not. Why does my gender preference come up on every show? I'm not gay.
HP: Yes, you are.
SS: How do you know?
HP: (taps finger against chin in thoughtful gesture) Well, let's see. He's sensitive, like s the colours pink and purple, is a better shopper than most of the girls I have dated, and oh yeah, he likes other men.
SS: So it's true!
BR: The evidence is very convincing Alex. AT: (overreacting) You know nothing! You have no proof! None! (Talking to himself) OK, calm down Trebek, or they'll actually figure out your secret. They'll find out all about Manuel. Can't let that happen! (Looks up to see everyone watching him, very amused.) Was my microphone on just now?
BR: Oh, of course not. We heard nothing (snickers).
AT: I think we have time for one more question before we got to Final Jeopardy. And just for kicks, although I know I'll regret it later, Burt, why don't you choose the category?
BR: No scuzz film would be complete without a shoot-out in a diner.
AT: What????
BR: Hey, no one ever took peanut butter to show and tell!
AT: My God! Viewers, mark this day on your calendars. Burt Reynolds has finally gone crazy. Not just the new crazy that is sweeping the nation, but full-blown leisure suit wearing, blue lipstick, want to have sex with Michael Jackson crazy.
SS: We've been ignoring fettuccine.
AT: Oh no, not you too! Now the only sane ones left are Potter and I, and frankly, that's not saying much. Let's just go to the Final Jeopardy. The sooner we finish this, the sooner I can get out of here and back to Manuel.I mean Manuela. A female. Manuela. I'm dead. Moving on. If one of your doesn't get this question, then you are so stupid you do not deserve to be living. The question is: these are the four houses at Hogwarts. See? Easy as an old French whore.
BR: But I'm not magical! I never went to Hogwarts!
AT: Why don't you cry about it?
BR: Can't. That's Snape's job.
AT: Just answer the question.
(Lights dim, Jeopardy music comes on.)
AT: Time's up. Now let's see what you people have managed to write down. This should be mindnumbing, or at least relatively painless.
SS: Alex, your heavy sarcasm hurts. It hurts in this general area (drawing a circle around his heart.) (A/N: inside joke, sorry!) If you don't watch what you say, you may not be able to tap this ass.
AT: (shudders) What a pity. Harry Potter, you're in the lead, as I've decided to take the pity money away from Snape for the previous ass comment. Let's see what you've written. 'Lime is lemon's evil twin.' Scintillating, but wrong. And you wagered, 'Professor Snape.' Mr. Potter, I thought we went over this on the last show. You cannot wager a person!
HP: Snape isn't a person!
AT: What? Yes, he is.
HP: Is not!
AT: As much as I'd love to continue this witty repartee with you, I can't. What is your reasoning for wagering Snape?
HP: Well, I knew I was wrong so instead of losing money, I looked forward to your confiscating Snape instead.
AT: I can just see the wheels turning in your mind. Too bad I think one or more of the gears are broken.
HP: Hunh?
AT: Never mind. Next contestant. I see that Professor Snape has resorted back to crying and hiding behind his podium.
SS: I'm not coming out until you all are a little bit more receptive and respective of my needs as a person. What are the chances of that?
BR: slim to nil.
SS: Then I'm not coming out. Ever!
HP: Yes! (Pumps fist in the air)
AT: Do I even dare to ask you what you've written, Burt?
BR: You know you love me Trebek.
AT: (softly, in a daze) I do, and I always will. But you'll never have me. (Seems to wake up.) What? Oh, ok, you wrote.well, it appears as if you didn't write anything. You just drew stick figures in compromising positions.
BR: (very proud) This one's of you, Trebek (pointing to the stick figure with the huge moustache.) And this one's of-
AT: You? (Hopefully)
BR: No, of Baby face Snape over there. Just a little question, Trebek. Did you play baseball as a child?
AT: Of course. I was the catcher.
BR: (roars in laughter) I knew it! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!
AT: What's so funny?
BR: (wiping tears of laughter away, still wheezing) Nothing, nothing. He he he, you're the catcher!
AT: Potter, what the hell is he saying?
HP: (shrugs) sorry, can't help you there.
AT: Well, I guess that's the end of the show, which makes Harry Potter the winner for the 2nd time in a row. Thank you for watching. I hope you enjoyed watching me in my personal hell.
BR: I know I did!
HP: (aside to Snape who is still crying) Look, Snape. I won! I won! I beat you!
SS: Yes, but Alex Trebek isn't in love with you! (smirks a little, his face slowly appearing over the top of the podium.)
HP: Why do you make that sound like a bad thing?
THE END