This fic is a gift fic for willowtare who won one of the fivefics out of the 400 Followers Oneshot Giveaway. The request was: " So my prompt is kinda like so Willow and Xander are chillin out post series and talking about Jesse and it's all v angsty. So if you could do that it would be awesome but like any conversation between Xander and Willow that mentions Jesse would be good enough."
As the prompt suggests, this takes place post-series. A few years after, to be precise.
If there was one universal that Willow had learned in being Xander's friend for so many years, it was that Country was the Music of Pain. Xander only listened to it when he was upset.
So why the heck was she hearing it through the door of his apartment? Xander had no particular reason to be upset right now. Knocking on the door, Willow spoke, her voice just under the music.
"Xander? Its Willow. Can I come in?" For a moment, there was no response, then she heard the door unlock and it opened, Xander on the other side. She could see inside his apartment, boxes everywhere in the living room, most of them half-full, with stuff piled all around them, like he'd been unpacking, or maybe he was packing.
"Are - are you moving somewhere?" Willow asked, confused. Xander had said nothing about a move, or… where would be he going? Why would he be going. "You're moving and you didn't-"
"I'm not moving Wills," Xander corrected as he interrupted, stepping aside to let her inside. "I was just unpacking some old storage."
"Storage? Since when do you have boxes full of -" her eyes fell on an old stuffed bear that had been Xander's as a child. She remembered him. Somehow the guy had survived everything she and Xander and Jesse had been able to throw at him, and…
Willow felt her heart sink as she realized why Xander was listening to Country. "It's Jesse's birthday." Her throat clenched up as she realized she'd completely forgotten… and had for years now. For the first few years after his death, she and Xander had gotten together and reminisced for an hour or two about their oldest friend, the first casualty to the 'Fight', the guy they had all known since kindergarten.
But over time… she'd forgotten him. Not completely - she still once in a very long time had an idle thought or remembrance, but it was not at all often, and always passing and fleeting. Never anything serious.
"Yeah," Xander nodded slowly. "It's his birthday." Xander reached into one of the boxes and took out an old, well worn picture, somewhat faded now. It was her, Xander and Jesse back when they were in middle school, together in the park. "I was just – turns out that Anya thought ahead when all the rest of us didn't, those last days in Sunnyhell. She trucked a lot of our stuff to a storage place in Oxnard. I didn't know what was in it when I found out about it afterwards. Wasn't until a few days ago that I felt ready to see what she'd left. She'd saved a lot of stuff. Hers and mine. Including stuff that had to do with Jesse. Like the picture."
Xander cleared some space on the couch and sat down. Willow sat next to him.
"I don't think about him as much as I used to," Xander admitted.
"He's been dead for almost ten years," Willow rationalized, even though it didn't make her feel any better for doing the same.
"Did I ever tell you that I saw him, with the First?" Xander said softly. "He was – it used Jesse's face to taunt me. About how I stole his girl, and how he never would have treated Cordelia the way I did. How I was such a terrible person for forgetting him, for being almost friendly with Spike. How I betrayed him, still being alive. Everything you could imagine. I knew it wasn't Jesse, but… it looked like him. Sounded like him. Has the same… syntax or whatever." He looked over at Willow. "Right word?"
Willow nodded, "Right word. But it wasn't him. And you didn't 'steal' Cordelia."
"No, I didn't. But… didn't make it sting any less when I heard him talk like that." Xander bit his lip, "I just… every time I think about him now, I think about how I don't think about him enough, and then…. I don't want to think about him anymore." He looked down. "You probably think I made some big, bold, selfless choice to stake him, to kill the demon that was using his body."
Willow frowned and looked over at him. "You didn't? He's-"
"Dust? Yeah. Dust in the wind. But I didn't to it. I didn't make any conscious choice. I hadn't come to terms with the fact that he was dead, not really. Even to the last minute I was trying to talk him into stopping about how this wasn't him, how I was his friend… as everyone was running out of the Bronze that night, someone bumped into him and he… got pushed onto the stake. One second my friend is there, the next, poof dust. And… I didn't even make the choice. It just… happened."
Willow's breath caught in her throat and she reached out, putting her hand on Xander's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I didn't know." She'd always assumed Xander… come to terms. Made a conscious choice to kill Jesse because that was what had to be done.
"Its one of the reasons I hated Angel so much, you know," Xander added softly, and Willow grasped exactly what he was suggesting.
"How come Angel got to keep walking around even those Jesse wasn't? Maybe if we'd know about the curse, somehow… we could have put it in Jesse?" Willow could see so many holes in that theory, but she knew Xander wasn't being serious. Emotional reactions and reality were not exactly the same thing.
"Yeah," Xander agreed. "But then I realize that… what kind of existence would I have been condemning him to? I mean, no happiness? Stuck in the body of a sixteen year old boy forever? Jesse hated High School. Couldn't wait t get out of it. He'd have been stuck like that forever. But…" Xander trailed off, unable to finish.
"But he'd still be here. No. I understand that. I remember thinking about it once myself," She admitted. "The first time I read the translated spell, to re-ensoul Angel… I wondered if it could have been used on Jesse, if he was still around. But… he wasn't… and…" She trailed off herself.
"He probably wouldn't want us reminiscing about him like this you know," Xander pointed out. "He'd want something… I dunno. Less melancholy."
"Probably true." Willow managed a small laugh. "He'd want us… remembering something about him."
"Like the time we helped him steal all the snacks from the cupboard in Kindergarten," Xander said with a soft smile. "Or tried to anyway. We couldn't carry them all away… and then Jesse ate so much he threw up. The way you scolded him, telling him that you'd warned him it would happen."
"I seem to remember you eating too much too, Xander," Willow pointed out. "Or maybe when I drafted him into he We Hate Cordelia Club. He was so, so upset that I forced him to."
"I can't even remember how you did that?"
"Do you remember when he ate my cupcake, not realizing it was mine, and I got so angry at him?" She had been so looking forward to it too. And then she'd come back to the lunch table and it was gone. Jesse had been so apologetic… it was funny now. But she'd been so angry at him then, stamping her tiny foot and pulling out the worst insults her seven year old self could manage.
"He promised he'd do anything you asked. You used it on the club? Really?"
"He wouldn't join!" Willow protested defensively, "And… I really hated her. And I thought somehow making a club would accomplish something." She looked at the boxes, then laughed, "I wonder if Jesse actually kept the minutes I insisted he take of our two meetings."
"Probably not," Xander shook his head. "Want to help me go through this stuff? See what else we can find that reminds us him? I think… I think spending the day remmebering him would be exactly how he'd want us to do it. Not mourning him. Just… remembering."
Willow nodded, "I like that idea." And she really did.