Prelude - No Home to Run

Ren hadn't meant to lie, and in all actuality he hadn't.

He approached the baseball field on wobbly knees, trying desperately to stuff angry images of his old teammates to the back of his mind as he unknowingly prepared himself for his first encounter with the people that would end up being the best thing to ever happen to him. He was nervous, he was always nervous, but later when he thought back on this moment, he was sure he wasn't nearly nervous enough.

"This is a boys' baseball team, you're not fooling anyone."

Ren clutched a hand over his mouth to keep from screaming. He tumbled around on his feet until he was facing a much taller boy, beanie clad and towering over Ren's trembling body. He was too petrified to look around, but could hear the shuffling of other students. Every part of him was tensed to the max, but he still found his voice amidst all of it, curling his fingers into tiny fists against his chin.

"I-I-I'm a boy!" He stuttered, stamping his foot down stubbornly.

"A girl couldn't get away with wearing a boy's uniform, Hanai, don't be a dick." Another student said as he approached, coming to Ren's aid. Ren wheezed, moving his hands from his mouth to his chest. This was too close, this was too scary, one wrong word and they'd all know. It would be Mihoshi all over again, and he'd done everything he could leave that in the past.

Ren couldn't help the way he sucked in his stomach and pushed all the air out of his chest.

Hanai had every right to be angry, of course, but it made the truth impossible to spit out as a whole, and instead Ren spoke in shakey, broken, half-truths. He was a bad pitcher put in a good place by favoritism. He thought it would be fine, it would be enough to convince this team they didn't want him.

But it wasn't.

It had taken all his courage to tug on Momo-kan's sleeve the first day of golden week, nervously gesturing her away from everyone loading the bus for the trip to the training camp grounds. Momoe was obviously perplexed, a bit of anger shining in her eyes. She was in no mood for a half-hearted pitcher. Ren just snapped his eyes shut and kept tugging her farther away from the group, he had to say it now, before she let him on the bus, before it was too late.

"Alright, Mihashi-kun, what is it?" She asked, pulling her arm from Ren's grasp and setting her hands on her wide hips. Ren stared, jaw trembling, eyes glossed with unshed tears.

He didn't know how to say it. He tried, sputtering incoherent syllables until he finally gave up. Tears poured down his rosey cheeks as he dug out his ID card, shoved it into his coach's hands.

"I-I can't-I'm n-not-!" Ren hiccupped, scrubbing at his eyes. For an eternity, all he could hear was the pounding of his breaking heart and wet sniffing of his runny nose. Momoe's voice smashed into his head like her clean swing of a baseball bat, home run.

"Mihashi-kun." She spoke very deliberately, waiting for Ren to raise his eyes. "I want to ask you, what bathroom do you use?"

Ren's lips trembled, wrapped around the word 'mens'. Momoe nodded, a bright smile on her face.

"And what did you say to Hanai just the other day when he tried to suggest you were a girl?" She asked. Ren bit his lip, shoulders tight.

"I-I'm a boy!" He said, teeth snapping shut, small fingers curled into tight fists. Momoe nodded, pressing Ren's ID card back into his hands. There was a beat of silence, her smile fell, she crossed her arms.

"However, you need to tell your team." She said. Ren's blood turned ice cold.

"T-Tell…I-I…" He shook his head, gripping the fabric over his chest. Momoe sighed.

"You won't be happy if they find out themselves. Maybe it happens during a game? What would you do then? Do you want to risk costing us a game because you can't be honest with your teammates?" She patted Ren on the shoulder, flashing him a sympathetic smile. "We play Mihoshi on Saturday, tell them before then."

Ren didn't mean to lie, but in actuality, this time he did.

He just couldn't say it to Abe's face, that lying next to so many boys, boys that seemed like men in comparison to himself, made it impossible to sleep. He didn't know the words that could explain how his eyelids snapped open whenever he thought he might fall asleep, subconsciously desperate to run from the nightmares of his former teammates festering in the back of his mind. There was too much Abe didn't know, wouldn't understand.

Ren wasn't like the rest of the people here.

He held himself like a well beaten circus beast, trained and broken and afraid of everything, especially himself. Mihoshi had taught him his place well as a thing to be mocked and danced around, a spectacle. The last thing he wanted to do was confront his abusers, people he still yearned to call friends, even if he himself knew that was ridiculous. He wasn't ready. He couldn't sleep. Everything he ate tasted like sand and he was so, so, so sorry.

Sorry Abe. Sorry Hanai. Sorry Momo-kan. Sorry Hatake. Sorry Kanou. Sorry Mihoshi. Sorry Mother. Sorry Father. Sorry God.

Ren was careful to hide his binder when he got ready for bed, careful to hunch his back as far as it could go and fold his arms over his chest. He was quick to slip under the sheets and quicker to tug them over his shoulders. He let out a deep breath every time he made it passed wandering eyes. He wasn't used to this, didn't ever want to get used to it. He shouldn't have to deal with this, no one should.

But Ren knew his place, and this was simply the game he had to play if he wanted to survive.

There was nothing more he wanted than to pitch, but not even pitching was worth living through the horrors of Mihoshi again. He pulled the sheets over his head, curled up tight.

Even if it killed him, Ren would tell them tomorrow. He trusted his team to do the right thing, to kick him out before it was too late.

The silence that followed Ren's interruption at the dining table was absolutely suffocating. He twisted his hands into the hem of his shirt. He could feel his pulse in every inch of his body, in his head, his fingertips, deep in his stomach.

"Mihashi." Abe's gruff voice shook Ren out of his stupor in all the wrong ways. His lips trembled, and he tried so hard to keep the tears at bay, though he knew it was no use.

"I'm-" He coughed, sniffed, took a shakey breath. "I'm. N-Not like you g-g-guys." He said. Hanai frowned, Abe looked just as angry, everyone else had passive patience on their faces.

"We already knew that." Abe said, motioning for Ren to continue.

"N-No, I mean, n-not like you…you think." Ren shook his head, eyes squeezed shut. "I'm!" He didn't realize he was shouting. "M-M-My teammates…h-hated me! Because!" Ren couldn't breathe, he was drowning in his own tears. His voice broke there, and all that came out was a defeated whisper.

"I'm n-not…a boy, n-n-not like…you guys." He said. Hanai looked around, confused and annoyed.

"Like what?" He smirked. "You trying to tell us you're a girl now?"

Ren's eyes snapped open, tears dripping from his eyes. He couldn't look up, all of his protests were stuck in his dry, aching throat. Hanai slapped his hands down on the table.

"What, really?" He yelled, threw his head in Momo-kan's direction. "Did you know about this?"

Momoe sat still for a moment, registering the expressions around the table, all ranging from shocked to angry to indifferent. She nodded.

"I knew, and encouraged him to tell you all so it wouldn't be a surprise later on, Mihashi-kun." She said. Ren jumped, instinct driving his watery eyes to meet Momoe's. Her smile was delightfully kind. "You did well."

"Don't you mean she?" Hanai corrected, his fingertips white from gripping the table. Momoe shook her head firmly.

"Mihashi-kun is a he and I won't tolerate you referring to him in any other way, Hanai-kun." She said, lips set in a straight line. A hush fell over the table, the air tense.

"I don't understand…" Hanai muttered, the other boys nodding in agreement. Momoe caught Ren's eyes as she softly asked if she could explain for him. He nodded enthusiastically, please oh please. Momoe nodded back, drawing attention to herself.

"Mihashi-kun is a boy, you will use male pronouns with him. He was, however, pronounced a female at birth. Any questions more personal than that are none of your business unless Mihashi-kun makes it your business," Momoe's eyebrows dropped into a frightening glare. "Do you all understand?" She hissed.

The unanimous nodding of heads brought a smile back to Momoe's lips and she stood. "Good, then it's time to clean up and head to bed. We only have a few days left until we play Mihoshi!"

Ren was certain he wasn't the only one thinking it, he can't stay on the team, but Momo-kan barreled ahead and left no time for absurd questions.

Ren shriveled as his former catcher's cleats ground against the brick wall beside his head.

"Just what the hell do you think you're doing? You think you're going to pitch for them?" He asked, voice cold. Ren tucked himself in the tightest ball he could, nothing but broken sobs and shuddering gasps leaving him. Hatake bent down. "You're nothing but a bitch Mihashi-chan, stop ruining baseball for everyone. Just because you're at a new school doesn't change that you're a girl, have you even told them?" A humorless laugh left Hatake's lips.

"I should have broken your arm back then, but Kanou for whatever reason really liked you, wouldn't let any of us touch his precious Mihashi-chan. I kept telling him if he'd just give you a good lay maybe you'd leave-"

"Mihashi?" Abe's voice cut through the rustling bushes and stomped down on anything more Hatake had to say. He apologized, a polite façade back in place on his face, and disappeared.

Ren had wanted to avoid this so badly he'd told everyone his secret, but even that hadn't been enough to get him away from Mihoshi. And here his past was, crushing whatever little confidence he'd built over the week.

Hatake was right.

Ren couldn't pitch, for anyone. He was a disability, a handicap, he was something to work around. There was no point to him putting his all into pitching if all it did was make everyone else miserable. There was no point in living as a boy if no one ever acknowledged him as one. There was no point there was no-

Trembling fingers wrapped around one of Ren's hands.

With tears in his eyes, Abe tugged on Ren's hand. "This is what you've been dealing with, it's-" Abe shook his head, rubbed his thumb over his eyes. "It's no wonder you're so nervous all the time." His breath hitched, their eyes locked. Abe's fingers caressed the hard callouses around Ren's hands. "You've worked so hard, and they-they don't even see you as a person!"

Ren hiccupped, curled his fingertips around Abe's. "You…y-y-you…see me as a p-person?" He asked. A fire burned in Abe's eyes.

"Of course I do! I see you as more than that I-" Abe lost his breath as he forced the words out. "I see you as a teammate, I see you as another boy!"

Abe promised then and there, for Ren's sake and no one else's, Abe would make him a true ace.

Author's Notes-

I am back with more trans fanfiction heyo. I have a horribly vague idea of how this will go, and it'll be a lot different than my ftm!Nitori fic if you've read that. I think it's mostly due to the difference in character. Nitori is...nervous, but Mihashi is anxious and there's a big difference between those two things. I have a feeling this fic will have a much more scattered feeling to it. It's going to be fun writing from Mihashi's perspective, as we both share some significant social anxiety (and in this fic, we're both trans). The chapters to come will flow better than this one, I just didn't want to rewrite every little detail of those first couple epsiodes. You guys get the idea of what happens, it's not important.

OH also I wanted to mention. I try to write as authentically to the canon location/culture as best I can, however, I have not had much luck in finding translated Japanese laws that are relevant to what I write. In these cases, I tend to use what I know of America's laws, just because, that's all I have. I know a lot of countries share the same kind of laws, so it's the best I can do for now. As far as I know, at the highschool level, most places do not have laws that allow or punish transgender students playing on teams that match their gender identity. Because of this, whether a transgender student gets to play on that team is entirely circumstantial and depends greatly on their community. SO, that is how I'm going to be dealing with the legality of this.

If you are a transgender student wanting to participate in a sports team that matches your identity, I know in America there are a few things you can do to make it happen and be protected legally. If you're interested in that, I may, MAY be able to help point you in the right direction. Maybe.

So yeah hope you enjoyed this first chapter. I'll try to get the next one up in a couple days, we'll see how things go. Let me know what you thought of it!

-FoxyGrampaGlasses