Lucky Charms
PG-13 for nudity and straddling.
Post PK-Wars
Written for SC - 69 Challenge hosted by K'Lara 7. The challenge required using Irish elements in the story. I was very liberal in my translation of Irish elements, hope I didn't run too far of the path, K'Lara!
Summary: John has a bad morning and indulges in a little too much comfort eating, wackiness ensues.
Author's Note: I don't generally do humor fics but this one just took control and would not let go. For those of you who know her vinegardog makes an appearance in this one.
Thanks vinegardog for the beta! See what happens when you beta my fics. . . . you end up in them!
John stood alone in center chamber. He had been a real bear to Aeryn earlier, so he wasn't surprised to find himself eating breakfast alone. To be honest, he was kinda glad he was alone. Today had not been a good day. It had started off on a bad note. He had stumped his toe on his way to the bathroom when he had first awoken. Then, he had dropped his dentic on the floor and bumped his head when he stood back up. He supposed that somewhere on Earth it must be Friday the 13th because he was having one of THOSE days. Then, to make matters worse, when he had started rummaging around for some grub for breakfast, he realized that they were finally down to their last box of Earth cereal. He hated the fact that he could get all bent out of shape over something as silly as a box of sugary, marshmallow confections but the Lucky Charms were simply one more reminder of the fact that he was not likely to visit his home again. And, it weighed heavily on his mind that his rapidly growing, bouncing baby boy, who had just learned to crawl, would never meet his grandfather and aunts. So, when Aeryn had stuck her head in the room to see if he was making breakfast or if she should whip something together, he barked a snide joke about her culinary skills, or lack thereof. He had tried to apologize but it was too late. Aeryn had muttered, "frell you," and flashed him a hand gesture that he wished Chiana had never showed Aeryn, or more to the point, he wished he had never told her what it really meant.
Lucky the Leprechaun smiled cheerily at John from the red box as Crichton placed the box of cereal on the table along with a bowl and a spoon. Usually, he ate the cereal dry because he had yet to find anything in the uncharted territories that equaled cow's milk. Today, however, he wanted to enjoy his box of cereal like an all-American kid on a Saturday morning. Geez, how long had it been since he had sat in the kitchen watching Saturday morning cartoons while reading the back of the cereal box? Seem like another lifetime. John rifled through the cooler looking for anything that might simulate cow's milk. He spotted a jar of liquid that looked like it, had the consistency of milk but it was a bluish color. One whiff of the pungent scent and he decided against it. Raslak was too close to beer in flavor, it would ruin the sweetness of the cereal. Finally, he found some breast milk Aeryn had stored in the fridge for D. Nah, he thought. But then again, why not? D drinks it, how bad could it be? John tested a bit of it on his tongue. Oilier than he expected but it was sweet enough. It would work.
Ten minutes later, the box of cereal sat empty on the table and John rubbed his distended tummy which was now full of hearts, shooting stars, horseshoes, clovers, and blue moons, along with other tiny marshmallow bits. He walked down the corridor back to his and Aeryn's sleeping quarters. He hoped to find her there so he could beg her forgiveness and explain his bad behavior. The sweetened toasted oat morsels had put John in a better mood.
Aeryn was not there, "Pilot, where's Aeryn?"
"Commander Crichton, Officer Sun is working out on the terrace, she asked not to be disturbed."
So, she is still pissed, John thought. Oh well, maybe the workout would help.
"D still asleep?"
"Yes, snoring soundly," Pilot answered.
"Thanks Pilot."
John decided to watch some DVDs until Aeryn finished her workout, it would be as close to Saturday morning cartoons as he could get. He fished out his classic Disney DVDs and popped in a Chip 'n' Dale disc.
John nodded off as Donald Duck chased the furry duo up a tree.
John slid down a rainbow, he landed bare ass naked in a humongous pot of gold foiled chocolate coins.
"Tsk, Tsk, Johnny boy!" John peered over the side of the pot and saw a miniature Scorpius leprechaun. "Did you steal me Lucky Charms?" Scorpy asked in an exaggerated Irish brogue accent.
"Harvey, where are my clothes?"
"Where are me Lucky Charms?"
"What? Those were my Lucky Charms!"
"Didn't your mother ever tell you, you're supposed to share Johnny?"
Leslie Crichton floated above John's head. Seated on a cloud, she wore angels wings and wagged her finger disapprovingly at John.
John climbed out of the pot of gold and fell to the lush green Earth. He took a moment to savor the feel of the grass between his toes.
"Me Lucky Charms?" Scorpius continued to demand. John surveyed the fantastic landscape. Rolling green hills dominated the landscape. A grey cobblestone path disappeared over a nearby hill. Two unnaturally large daffodils sprouted behind the black pot of gold.
"I must be dreaming or I've officially gone insane!" John shook his head and smacked at his ears in an effort to wake himself.
A girl giggled from somewhere nearby. John was suddenly very aware of his nakedness.
"Aeryn, is that you?'
The girl giggled more loudly.
"Aeryn?"
John could barely make out the woman's long dark hair behind one of the huge daffodil stalks.
He approached cautiously. The woman was nearly awestruck at John's naked beauty but she continued to giggle coyly. Closer, closer he crept. He reached his hand out to her and she bolted from behind the stalk and ran away over the hill along the cobblestone path. She was carrying the box of Lucky Charms.
"Me Lucky Charms, she has me Lucky Charms," the Scorpy Leprechaun bounced excitedly.
"What? That beautiful Irish Lass? You think she has stolen the Lucky Charms?" John asked the green-clad Scorpius.
"Irish lass my ass! She looked Eye-talian to me John!"
"Eye-talian?"
"Yes, Eye-talian!"
"What could an Eye-talian woman possibly want with the Lucky Charms?"
"She wants to use them to make a wormhole weapon John, you must stop her!"
"Yes, of course," John said and sprinted over the hill after the woman in all his naked glory.
The vixen had found a perfect spot for ambushing John. Just beyond the hill, the path wound into a wooded area and there was an outcropping of boulders that jutted out toward the path. She lay in wait just behind the boulders ready to catch her prey. She had left the box of cereal in plain sight, hoping that John would take the bait.
John spotted the cereal right away. The red box with the smiling leprechaun mesmerized him. He suddenly forgot why he was there. He bent over to pick up the box. The woman launched herself onto John. He rolled in an effort to avoid being pinned by the woman but found himself straddled by her instead.
"Kiss me, I'm Irish," the woman exclaimed.
"But wait, you're Eye-talian!"
"Oh, frell, kiss me anyway" The woman crushed her lips to John's and ran her fingers through his silken hair.
"John, John, John, wake up John!" Aeryn yelled into John's ear nearly bursting his eardrum.
"What? What?" Aeryn where am I, where's the woman?"
"Woman? You have a woman in here with you?"
"No, No, Aeryn no, it was a dream."
"You're dreaming about another woman?"
"It's not like that, Aeryn, Aeryn," John pleaded but all he could do was watch his wife's black leather clad backside slip out the door.
Yep, it was definitely Friday the 13th somewhere!