Taking a deep breath and a sip of my herbal tea, I made myself sit down in an effort to become calm. Pacing up and down by the side of my bed certainly wasn't helping and it was evident I was feeling incredibly anxious, hence the large mug of tea I held between my hands, courtesy of my parents.
"Let's go then" I uttered and put the tea on my bedside table. "There are a lot of things that I have to say".
There were a lot of things I had to say and to say that it could fill the pages of a standard-sized novel was no exaggeration. It was in my nature to ramble, to say the most irrelevant things just so I could fill the silences but today, I had to break out of that. Where to start? Perhaps, in explaining to Amy how I felt, I should start at the beginning for there is no better place after all.
"We've known each other for most of our lives haven't we? Such a long time. We've had such a amazing time together" I took another sip of my tea and turned back around. "We even got through that time when we pretended to be lesbians to get popular. Do you remember that? Of course you do. Who wouldn't? It was an incredibly stupid idea. Of course you remember" And there I began rambling again. It was a terrible habit that I couldn't get myself out of.
"Okay Karma, you can do it".
Could I really? Already I felt the tea rising up in my chest as with every word I spoke, I felt as if I was about to be sick. I was nervous beyond belief, my hands fumbling about in my lap. My face felt hot and I had the sudden complexion of a beetroot. How could I possibly carry on?
"It's when you realised how you felt about me at the time and how you felt about girls. Not exclusively. You still don't fully understand yourself and that's okay. That's not always necessary. I'm confused too". It was quickly becoming instinctive to reach out for my cup of tea but the merest suggestion of it brought me close to becoming ill. Still, there was silence and I decided I should carry on.
"Perhaps I'm not confused after all and soon you'll understand. I guess. You see, that night you told me that you loved me and then I told you I didn't feel the same way. Yeah, you remember that. I wasn't being entirely truthful. I was lying, to you and to myself. I was just afraid as you but not half as brave as you were to lay your heart before me. I'm a strong believer in the idea that if you don't say something it isn't true. Well, that's what I told myself. If I didn't admit that I've always had feelings for you, in some shape or form, then they weren't there and I could get rid of them. That's how I felt my whole life. I've realised though by watching you fall out of love with me and falling for somebody else that it wasn't that simple. My feelings existed and there was nothing I could do about it. I've loved you for so long, it was always there but so latent that I could focus on my stupid idea of forcing myself to love other boys for no reason other than their appearance. In these two years, I've learnt a lot. I'm not so obnoxious and I understand what I want now. Perhaps it's too late now and maybe you think I didn't need to tell you but I do. Before I go mad".
Silence. Only silence. I expected that.
"And now I know how you felt all that time ago. I just wish I was brave enough before. I'm an idiot. I shouldn't have said anything. There was no point".
And what really was the point? With the speech I had recited, did I really expect Amy to run into my arms? It was my trouble – I always wanted what I couldn't have and always when it was too late. She wouldn't run into my arms, I'm sure of it. Amy was over me now, I knew that. She had found herself girlfriend after girlfriend and she was in the midst of rather a barren spell. Amy still remained my best friend but for her, that was how far it could go. She didn't tell me so but the beauty of being best friends was the ability to know what the other is thinking and feeling with no words being said. What would I expect? I had left it for too long now and I couldn't expect to be the one to put the pieces of her heart together when I was the one who broke it.
"So, that is all I have to say".
I looked up from the paper I had placed in front of me and looked up to the bear that sat in front of me. Gaia was it's name, given to it by my Mother. It was wonderfully crafted, with the most beautiful grey eyes and sweet smile, almost as if God had crafted it. Perhaps that was why I had chosen it as a double for Amy. She too was if God had crafted her to be the most perfect of all humanity but her beauty went beyond her eyes and her smile. It was the smile she brought to my face with every glance I took, the comfort I felt when we fall asleep together and wake up in each other's arms. It was the happiness she gave to me when I was sad, when she'd brush the tears away lightly with her thumb and tell me jokes and stories until I smiled again. There was more beauty in her than in anything else and this bear was just a poor stand-in. I needed something to remind me of her, just so I could practice my speech and learn it off by heart. The bear, when Amy wasn't around, was my source of comfort although it was doing the most terrible job of comforting me now. The smell of the tea in the air, the incredible anxiousness that I felt made me feel that I couldn't be comforted by anything until I finally saw Amy.
"Karma! Karma!" My Mother called. "Amy is here!" Amy always let herself upstairs so I waited patiently for her in my room. I placed Gaia to my side and put the piece of paper in my right hand, before folding it and putting it in my pocket. I watched how the door handle turned slowly and with each turn my heart-rate quickened.
"Karma!" Amy exclaimed as she threw herself down on the bed. "Now, what are we watching? The Use of Slavery in the West or the documentary about Cambodian children? I've got frosting".
Maybe later I'll tell her.