You desired my attention, but denied my affections. So tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart? Oh, tell me now where was my fault for loving you with my whole heart?

Mumford and sons - "white blank page."

My mother was right…I cannot work side by side with her and feel nothing. Even though I'm mad at her, she still makes me love her and I hate her for it. God, how does she do this? She's driving me crazy in my own thoughts now.

Why? Why would she lie to me about that day? I asked her so many times if she remembered anything. So many. And she said no. She always said no. And I, foolishly, believed her. I thought we were past the petty white lies but I guess I'm wrong. Obviously.

I told her how I felt; I told her that I loved her. I love her because she's become such an important person in my life and I would like her to continue to be. Over these years, she's become my best friend and of course, I love her. But I love her more than that too. Maybe it was only me at the time, but I swear that when we first met there was a connection or something like that. And its only been getting stronger throughout the years. But I was just kidding myself. Kate Beckett doesn't look at me that way. Why would a woman as beautiful and as strong and independent and complex ever want to be with me?

But still, she didn't have to lie. She could've told me she didn't feel the same, that I could've lived with. At least I could move on and we could continue being friends but now I can't even look at her without being heartbroken. She must've been embarrassed. When I let those three words slip, she must've been shocked and when she got better, she must've been laughing at me.

God, knowing that she must've been laughing at me with…him just makes me sick. Lying to me was just cowardly. We're both adults here and yes, I know I can act like a child sometimes but she still could've sat me down and told me how she felt. There's no excuse for lying about hearing me.

Well, if she remembered my confession then she must remember the pain of being shot. Now I feel like an asshole for just thinking of myself.

I love her so much that I can even decide whether it's okay to be angry with her for lying to me! How does she mange to drive me crazy and make me love her even more without really trying? This woman…Kate Beckett…god I love her. But I can't love her anymore. Not when she doesn't feel the same and everyday she gives me that smile and it's a lie. That smile I yearn to see everyday, just another act of pity.

I'm leaving…today. Because I can't take this. My emotions are everywhere because of this woman who's constantly breaking my heart and I don't deserve this. As much as I want her to the woman I want to spend the rest if my life with, I need someone honest.

But aren't I being a hypocrite? Didn't I lie to her by not telling her about what Montgomery did? Don't' I deserve this punishment from her? Doesn't my heart deserve to be broken?!

I need to get out of here. I need to get my bearings again.

As Castle walked into the bull pen only one coffee in hand, he saw her, sitting at her desk. One hand was on her head with her fingers laced in her hair. She was slouched over her desk while writing ferociously in a file. He guessed she didn't have any suspects or one just allibied out. He chose the latter.

"Hey," he greeted coming up behind her.

She turned around to face him and immediately the frustration that was splashed on her face drained out. "Hey," she sighed happily.

"No suspects yet?"

"No," she answered eying his coffee. "Maybe you can come up with something."

He knew he was going to chastise himself later for this, but maybe it was the only way. "Sorry detective but you're on your own now."

"Now?" she was still smiling and it had his heart soaring. But he needed to focus because with a simple conversation she could change his mind.

"Yeah. As of today, I am officially finished shadowing you. Gina and Paula said this is the last Nikki Heat book because it's not doing s well anymore. So they want me to try something new. And by new they mean try resurrecting Derrick Storm."

The color faded from her face and her mouth opened slightly. She didn't know what to say. She wanted to tell him he couldn't leave, she wanted to yell and accuse him of lying. But things haven't been the same between them. It's been awkward and she swears something she hears him insult her under his breath. Or make smart remarks. So she couldn't say anything she was feeling.

"Wow uh, that sucks. I like Nikki," she said.

"Yeah I did at first. But now it's just whatever." Why did he say that? That was just downright mean, but it's not as if she didn't deserve it.

But the look of surprise and hurt on her face is like a punch in the face. He didn't mean to hurt her. Or had he?

"Well," she cleared her throat and looked away. "It was nice working with you."

"You too," he agreed. He could see she was hurt by the look in her eyes. Now he felt bad and he knew this guilty feeling wasn't going away until he put a smile back on her face. He handed her the coffee in his hands. She smiled briefly, but it didn't reach her eyes. She sat it down on her desk before trying to focus back on her paperwork.

She wanted him to leave because looking at him right now was too heartbreaking and she wouldn't be able to control what was going on inside of her for too long. The tension between them was beginning to grow stronger and deeper with every silent moment that passed.

"You know Alexis's graduation is tonight. Afterwards she does her all-nighter and my mother is doing something down at the Hampton's. So I'm not gonna really have anything to do so I was wondering if you would join me for a double feature."

She was surprised he asked. He's been so weird lately. Sometimes he won't want anything to so with her and now he's asking her over to his place? What's up?

"Depends on what we're watching."

"The Killers and Hard- Boiled."

Okay she had to admit she liked those movies and hasn't seen them in a while. But the reason why he asked her is still bugging her. The reason he's been acting different is still bugging her. So maybe tonight they could talk. Because this was killing her. He wouldn't be at the precinct but that's not going to make her feelings for him go away, that's not going to make them stop being friends.

"Okay. Yeah."

"Great. Ten o'clock?"

"Yeah," she answered smiling. And this time the sparkle was in her eyes.

A/N:I would like to continue this with another chapter but if no one reviews, I'll most likely delete it. Let me know what you think honestly. The song lyrics will make more sense with a second chapter. Please review and tell me what you think!