Fullmetal Alchemist: Who's Line Is It Anyway?
Sam: Hi, and welcome to Who's Line Is It Anyway, the show that's totally made up and the points don't matter. Yup, the points are like the hopes of Havoc getting a girlfriend: nonexistent!
Havoc: (yells from the audience) HEY!
Sam: (ignoring him) Okay, here's our guests for today! The human can-opener, Edward Elric!
Ed: What the *BEEP!*
Sam: Dry-clean only, Colonel Mustang!
Roy: I'M NOT USELESS WHEN WET!!!
Sam: You'll shoot your eye out, Riza Hawkeye!
Riza: (takes out gun and loads it)
Roy: (pushes Ed in front of him)
Ed: GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME, YOU *BEEP!*
Sam: (ignoring Ed's swearing rant) And too cute to kill, Alphonse Elric!
Al: (Al in human form walks out) Hi everybody!
Sam: Okay sit down and shut up! (FMA cast sits down) Alright, here's the first game: Scenes From A Hat! (takes out Al's old armor head)
Al: Hey, that's me!
Ed: (sweatdrops) It used to be you, stupid…
Sam: We asked the audience what scenes that they would like to see and we picked out the best ones for you to act out! (Rummages in the helmet) Let's see… (takes out slip pf paper)Oh boy... "What Colonel Mustang does when nobody's looking."
Ed: (walks onto the stage) Here Barbie, want some tea? (pretends to play tea party on stage)
*BUZZ*
Al: (mimics searching around his office) Where's my damn lighter?!
*BUZZ*
Riza: (mimics Roy snapping his fingers) What?! My paperwork is fireproof?! Damn it!!!
*BUZZZZZ*
Sam: (laughs and takes out another piece of paper) "Things that get on Ed's nerves."
Ed: (mimicking Al) Brother, you shouldn't be so mean…
*BUZZ*
Riza: (mimicking Roy) You've got another mission, Chibi.
Ed: (growls and tries to strangle Roy)
Roy: Hey, she said it, not me!
*BUZZ*
Al: (takes a deep breath) YOULIKESAMYOULIKESAMYOULIKE-
Ed: (interrupts him) SHUT UP!!!
*BUZZ*
Sam: (punches the buzzer repeatedly) 200 points to Ed for trying to kill Roy, minus 100 for failing, and 500 points to Al for publicly humiliating Ed on national television. Okay guys, the next game is Questions Only! This is for everybody.
(FMA characters all stand on the stage)
Sam: You all have to act out a scene, but you can only use questions! Ed and Roy will start it off, and once one of them messes up, Riza or Al will take over. (taking out a card) Your scene is that you're in school and that Ed is trying to cheat by looking at Roy's test paper. START!
Ed: What's the answer to number 3?
Roy: Why do want to know?
Ed: Why are you such a jackass?
Roy: Why you little- *BUZZ* Damn!
(Al takes Roy's place)
Al: Why are you staring at me?
Ed: Why are we related?
Al: (pretends to cry) Why do you hate me?
Ed: I don't hate you- *BUZZ* (glares at Al) Stupid puppy eyes…
(Riza takes Ed's place)
Al: Why are you cheating?
Riza: Why are you staring down my shirt?
Sam: O.O *BUZZ* Hey, this is a family show, people! (sighs and takes out cue card) No points for anybody, except 100 points for Al because he made the puppy eyes! Anyway, time for a new game! It's called Two Line Vocabulary, and it's for Ed, Roy and Riza.
(characters get up and stand on stage)
Sam: The point of this game is that two of you can only say two lines through out the entire scene, but one person can say anything that they want. Riza, you can say anything. Roy, your lines are "Are we there yet?" and "I want my mommy." Ed, your lines are "Can I shoot it?" and "What the hell was that?!" The scene is that the three of you are traveling through the jungle, and you get hopelessly lost with nothing to eat or drink. START!
Riza: (drags Roy to his feet) Get up, lazy, we have to find our way out of here before nightfall.
Roy: (sighs) Are we there yet?
Riza: NO!
(Sam makes a weird bird noise)
Ed: What the hell was that?!
Roy: (pretends to cry and grabs onto Ed) I WANT MY MOMMY!!!
Ed: (points to Roy) Can I shoot it?
Riza: (looks appalled) WHAT?! NO! (grabs them both and tries to drag them further.) We have to find the lost temple of Whowhatsit before the sun goes down!
Roy: (Yawns)
Ed: What the hell was that?!
Riza: That was Roy yawning, though if you ask me it sounded like a vacuum cleaner…
Ed: (points to Roy again) Can I shoot it?
Riza: For the last time, NO!!!
Roy: I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!! (Holds onto Riza, bawling like a baby)
Sam: (buzzes as she holds onto her desk to keep from falling over) That was great guys! (turns to camera) We'll take a short break, so stay tuned for more Who's Line Is It Anyway!
(Backstage)
Roy: Thanks a lot, Fullmetal. You made me look like a complete idiot out there!
Ed: It wasn't my fault that your line was "I want my mommy!" Besides, you really are a wuss when Lieutenant Hawkeye makes you do something...
Roy: Why you little-
*BANG BANG!*
Roy: EEEEEP!
(two bullets breeze past Roy's head, missing him by millimeters)
Ed: HAAAHAAAAHAAAA!!!! (holding his stomach in laughter) Man, Mustang, you scream like a girl! (yells off in the direction the shots came from) Thanks for shutting him up, Haw-
(Al walks in, smoking gun in hand)
Al: Did I hit the target?
Ed: (standing there with his mouth wide open) AL?! (points at the gun) What do you think you're doing with that thing?!
Al: (stares blankly at him) Target practice?...
Ed: (points at Roy's shaking form) With Mustang? (he grabs Al and hugs him) YOU'RE MY HERO!!!
Al: (pushes Ed away) Brother, that isn't very nice! (Al holds up the gun.) Besides, I wasn't aiming for the Colonel.
Ed: (gets a gloomy look on his face) What? Then...
Al: (points to the wall behind Mustang) I was aiming for that target on the wall!
(Ed turns around and looks behind Mustang. A bright red target is hanging there, with two large bullet holes in it.)
Ed: (sweatdrops) Aw man...
Roy: (holds up a hand in salute) I'm going to leave now...
(Mustang faints and falls to the floor. Ed and Al stare at his body on the ground.)
Al: Are you going to pick him up?
Ed: (yells at Al) HELL NO!!!
(Back on the show)
Sam: Welcome back to Who's Line Is It Anyway! Once again, the show is completely made up and the points don't matter! (gestures to the side of the stage) Let's welcome back our players, shall we?
(Ed, Al, and Riza walk in. Roy is nowhere to be found.)
Sam: (looks around) Hey, what happened to Mustang?
Ed: (points at Al) Al nearly shot him.
(The audience cheers and Havoc yells out from the audience.)
Havoc: Way to go, Al! I knew you had it in ya!
Ed: (turns and glares at Al) So you really were aiming at him!?
Al: (sheepishly grins) Sorry Brother, but Havoc and some of the other officers told me if I shot at Colonel Mustang, they'd give me a kitten!
Ed: (gets an anger mark on his head) YOU TRIED TO SHOOT MUSTANG FOR A KITTEN?!
Al: (takes out a tiny gray kitten from underneath his jacket) Yeah, and his name is Pebbles! (holds Pebbles up to the audience) ISN'T HE ADORABLE?!!
Audience: (gets cute anime sparkle eyes) AWWWWWW!!!
(A spotlight appears on Pebbles and Major Hughes randomly jumps up on stage with a microphone)
Hughes: (starts singing) IT'S THE CIRCLE OF LIIIFFFEEEEE!!!
Sam: (slaps her hand against her face.) Hughes, cut the singing!
Ed: (points at Hughes.) I THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD!!!
Hughes: Yep, I died Ed. (gets sparkly eyes) BUT I WAS RESSURECTED SO THAT I COULD BE ON STAGE FOR MY LITTLE ELYSSIA!
Sam: SECURITY!!!
(Security comes on and drags Hughes off)
Hughes: BUT I HAVE MORE PICTURES FOR YOU!!!
(Everyone sweatdrops)
Sam: (clears her throat.) Anyway, let's get back to the show. (gestures for everyone to take their seats.) Plant your butts in the seats NOW!
(the audience and all the characters run to their seats and sit.)
Ed: (yells as he sits down to hard) OW, MY BUTT!!!
Sam: (sighs) Let's get down to business, people! (takes out a cue card) The next game is... Who's Line!
Al: (looking confused.) But I thought the show was called Who's Line...
Ed: (elbows him in the gut.) Shut up and listen, you dork!
Sam: Would you quit interrupting me!? (silence) Good. Now, this game is for Ed and Riza.
(Ed and Riza get up and stand on the stage.)
Sam: The rules of this game is that you have to act out a scene, but at random points in the dialogue, you have to take out the slip of paper we gave you, and read whatever line is on it. Your scene is that Ed and Riza are on the Titanic as it's sinking, and Riza feels the need to tell him something important. Now... ACTION!!!
Ed: What kind of a scene is that?!
Sam: SHUT UP AND DO THE SCENE!!!
Ed: Eeeep!
Sam: Ah, much better! Now... ACTION!!!
Riza: Edward, before the ship sinks, there's something I need to tell you!
Ed: What is it?! The water is at our ankles, so make it quick!
Riza: It's... (takes out a slip of paper) "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers!"
*Audience laughs*
Ed: You mean the ones I ate this morning?
Riza: Yes, you moron! Now we have to get off before-
Ed: Riza, wait! I have something important to say too. (takes out a slip of paper) "I'm a little teapot, short and stout!"
*Audience laughs*
Riza: You come from a family of teapots?
Ed: Yeah, it comes from my mother's side....
Riza: No wonder you're so short.
Ed: (fuming) I AM NOT THAT SHORT!!!
Riza: But you said so yourself! Remember, earlier during dinner?
Ed: Oh yeah, I said... (takes out a piece of paper) "Evil hamsters are taking over the world!"
Riza: WHAT?! (grabs Ed) Why didn't you tell me?!
Ed: (points at invisible water) Oh no! The water is up to our necks!
Riza: What do we do now?
Ed: What we always do... (takes out a paper) "Scream 'I LOVE ENVY' at the top of your lungs!"
*BUZZZ*
Sam: I'm ending that before things get too crazy, folks.
Ed: Who wrote the "I love Envy" line?!
(Wrath laughs from the audience and runs out)
Riza: 0.0 Well... That was interesting...
Al: (laughing) Brother's a little teapot!
Ed: (growls) Don't push it, Al...
Sam: We'll be right back with more Who's Line, right after this!
Sam: Welcome back to Who's Line Is It Anyway, people! (points to Roy's vacant seat.) Since Roy is recovering from post-traumatic stress disorder backstage, we have a special understudy present to take his place. Everyone, please welcome in… Envy!
Ed: (does a spit-take in his glass of water.) WHAT?! (yells at Sam.) WHY THE HELL DID YOU INVITE HIM?!
Riza: (whispers to Al.) Is he even a "him?"
Envy: (glares at them.) Hey, watch it!
Al: (ducks behind Riza.) Meeeeeep!
Sam: Focus, people! (no one listens.) I SAID SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
(Everyone shuts up.)
*cricket cricket noise*
Sam: Thank you! (takes out a card.) I have no idea what this game is called, so I'll just call it "Gimme Props" for now…
Ed: (mutters) She's the host. Isn't she supposed to know everything?
Sam: (ignores him) This game is for everyone, but you play in pairs. Al and Riza, you're one pair, and Ed and Envy, you're the other one.
Envy: (growls.) She is just asking to get her ass kicked, isn't she?
Ed: (growls back.) No shit, Einstein!
Sam: Each team has a prop that they have to make up scenes around, and they have to use the prop in the scene as well.
(Stage hands give A and Riza a giant bucket, and Ed and Envy are handed a humongous sunflower.)
Al: (sweatdrops.) Okay…
Ed: (takes one look at the prop and groans.) Aw crap…
Sam: Everyone ready? START!
(Ed lies on the floor and holds the sunflower over his chest.)
Envy: (does a little jig.) YES, HE'S FINALLY DEAD!!
(Audience laughs)
(Al jumps in the bucket and pops his head out.)
Riza: (holds an invisible mallet.) Time to play Whack-A-Mole!
(Audience laughs.)
Ed: (holds up the sunflower across from Envy and smirks.) Do you, Palm Tree, take Sunflower to be your lawful wedded wife?
Envy: What the hell?!
(Audience laughs)
(Al puts the bucket on Riza's back.)
Al: (screams as Riza moves around on the floor) EEEEEEK, A CRAB!!
(Audience laughs)
Envy: (holds the sunflower over his and Ed's heads, grinning evilly.) Look, mistletoe!
Ed: (blinks.) Oh shi-
(Envy kisses Ed on the lips. Audience whoops and hollers.)
Ed: (waving his arms in panic.) MMMPH!!! (Translation: HEEELP!!!)
*BUUUZZZZZZZ*
Sam: We're going to take a quick commercial break! (yells at Envy.) BREAK IT UP, DUMBASS! THAT'S JUST WRONG!!