Invader Zim 'Best Laid Plans'
Ok, I guess I should do the usual disclaimer bit that I don't own Invader Zim or any of its characters, yadda yadda yadda. 'Course if I did I would still be doing my level best to keep the show alive! Anyways, this fic came about as I was thinking of the many ways Zim could get into trouble at the skool and what would become of it. Suddenly the image of one of my favorite Coyote/Roadrunner (belonging to Time/Warner, natch) cartoons came to mind. One has to feel a bit sorry for the Coyote and then one would have to feel rather sorry for poor Zim here! But then again, isn't that the job of us fanfiction writers, to take and abuse our favorite characters in some manner, shape of form? ;)
Chapter One
Inside the 'normal' human house with all the yard gnomes that for some reason gave off an unsettling air, high-pitched noises could be heard. If one happened to be in the living room of the strange house they would be treated to the sight of a small robot dancing around and singing.
'Waffles and tacos! Waffles and tacos! Wouldn't it be just awful! If we had no waffle! …Or tacos."
Momentarily confused, Gir sat down and began to recite the list of words that rhymed with the word 'tacos'.
'Bacos. Lacos. Nacos. Dacos. Pacos. Hacos. Moroccos. Maracas!'
His mind distracted once again, Gir suddenly had a pair of maracas in his grips and merrily shook them to the accompaniment of his dance. 'Maracos tacos! Moracos tacos!'
This act also didn't last very long as his robotic hearing sensors picked up the familiar stomping sounds of his master, one Invader by the name of Zim, approaching. The robot realized it was time he had come home from the human skool where he spent his days studying the humans he so despised. Gone were the maracas and Gir stood at attention. Unfortunately he was upside down so the total effect was lost.
BLAM!
Instead of merely opening the door and slamming it behind him, Zim had viciously kicked it open. When the two robot 'parents swept forward with their programmed 'Welcome home, son!' Zim didn't even look at them. He snatched up a button from his pak as he stomped past and pressed it, blowing the unfortunate robots to scattered bits behind him all over the room.
Gir was entranced. "Me next! Me! Me! Meeee!" he squealed eagerly as he clapped his hands.
"Shut up, Gir." Zim growled as he stomped off to the kitchen to the entrance of his underground lair.
Gir slumped, disappointed. "Awwwww…but I wanted to explode!" His lip trembled until he looked down at the rolling eyes of the destroyed robots. "Oooo dice!" Snatching them up he put them in a cup and shook them. "Anybody wanna play Yatzee?"
Down in his lab, Zim flung his skoolbooks as hard as he could on the floor. Those infuriating, irritating, stinking HUMANS! How DARE they?
One of the books flew across the large room and landed in the tub filled with paste. A glob of that was dislodged and flew back to hit Zim squarely in the face as he was removing the irritating human eye lenses.
This did not improve his mood.
"GARF SNAZ! He screamed at the top of his lungs. 'IS ANYTHING GOING TO GO RIGHT TODAY?"
"I had a nice day," Gir broke in. Tiring of his 'dice' he had ventured down to see if his master had any more entertaining ideas. "First I had some waffles. Then later I had some tacos. Then even later I put the two together and made….Taco Waffles!" He squealed with pleasure at his cleverness.
Zim, wiping the paste from his countenance, glared at him. "I'm very happy for you," he growled in a dangerously low tone.
"Want some?" Gir popped his head open and pulled out some rather mangled waffles folded over and stuffed with taco mix. He scooped up the dripping mix, restuffed it in the waffle and proffered it to the small alien.
If looks could kill, Gir would have been vaporized on the spot.
"I want you," Zim said carefully and slowly, trying extremely hard to keep in control. "To leave me alone. Got it? Go back up and stand guard. Don't let ANYBODY in! Can you do that?"
"I can!" came the cheery reply. Zim knew better.
"But will you?"
"I…um…..uh…I….what was the question again?"
"It wasn't a QUESTION! It was an ORDER! I ORDER YOU TO GO BACK UP AND STAND GUARD! DO NOT ALLOW ANYONE IN! DO NOT GO OUT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW?"
"But….what if the ice cream man came? Can I go out then?" Gir inquired meekly.
Zim took a deep breath, raised his fists in fury, gritted his teeth, then exhaled in defeat. "Oh very well. If he comes around you may go. And get me a pineapple popsicle."
"Yay!" Gir cheered and raced back to the transport tube.
Zim turned back to the rest of the lab and tripped over the skoolbooks that didn't travel as far as the one in the paste bath. This only reminded him of why he was so angry in the first place. "GRAWGH!" he snarled as he kicked them away.
He stood there, seething, fuming, gritting his teeth until they almost cracked. These filthy puny humans, how he hated them! His tolerance of their primitive disgusting behaviors was reaching its edge. If it weren't for the orders of the Tall Ones he would have found a way to simply blow up this meaningless planet and gone long ago.
But especially today! Today they had crossed the line! They had gone too far! And now, somehow, they must PAY!
Zim stalked over to the lab table and yanked the chair away. He plomped down in the seat with the usual angry force but almost immediately grabbed the chair arms and pulled himself up a bit. He waited a couple of moments then gingerly sat back down. He gritted his teeth once more and swore savagely. Oh yes, they will pay dearly!
He was used to getting into trouble at the skool and dismissed it all. After all, what did he care if his grades were getting low? Of what use were they to him, the Mighty Zim? Paltry things, expecting him to use them as a guide to his so-called studies. The only thing he was studying was THEM! And they had yet to figure that out! Stupid stinky humans.
Missing homework assignments, disregarded book reports, refusals to engage in other school activities, so what? What could they do and why should he care? All that happened were some boring lectures from the teachers, and more homework. He sniffed at the stupid logic of that 'punishment'. If he didn't do the work in the first place, did they actually think adding more was going to sway him to waste more time on it?
Stupid brainless humans.
Then came detention. That was actually pleasant. It was relatively quiet in the room, aside from other troublemakers who occasionally tried to goad him into rubber band fights or threw paper wads at him. He ignored them and consoled himself with the thoughts of how he would repay all of them once the Irken armada came. Oh, the things he would do! He would relish their screams as they endured his numerous torments! Sometimes he enjoyed those daydreams so much he didn't realize when detention was up and he had ended up locked in the room and had to call Gir to come and release him.
When the teachers saw such chastisements didn't faze him, they sent him off to the principal's office. His lectures were even more boring. The only thing that kept Zim from blasting him off the face of the planet was the fact that the principal was the tallest human in the skool and although he –was- just a stupid stinking human, the tall factor was so engrained in Zim's being that he kept mum and accepted the dull monotone berating.
Then the notes for his 'parents' to sign so they could be alerted to his behavior. The notes were designed to self-destruct if he had tried to forge any signatures himself and he had to rely on his computer to do the work. Gir couldn't be trusted as the little robot was more inclined to add drawings of piggies and such but the computer wasn't much better. Oh, it signed the papers well enough for Zim to hand in but the snerking sounds it continued to make for some time afterwards were almost too much to bear. After the third 'Been naughty in skool again, have we?' remark Zim had threatened to reprogram it with a hammer and phase drill to silence the annoying machine.
In the name of the Tallest, why couldn't he have been sent off on this mission with competent aid?
Next came the request to –meet- his parents or have them come into the skool offices but Zim had quickly invented the lie of them 'being out of the country for a science conference on mongooses' and it had been accepted. He had felt quite smug about all the attempts to discipline him and that he had found ways to go around each and every one….until today.
It had been several weeks since his last scheme to bring the humans to their knees and the stress of pondering had taken its toll. When asked by Ms. Bitters for his assigned report on cheese he had snapped back a smart remark because she had shaken him out of his deep (for him) train of thought.
"So you dare to court doom by mocking me?" she told him in an oily almost gleeful voice. "We shall see about that! To the principal's office with you! And give this to him!"
Snatching the note and dragging the hall pass behind him, (This time it was attached to a concrete block) Zim had stalked out of the classroom and headed to the end of the long dreary hallway to the office door. He had entered the room, flung down the pass, tossed the note on the receptionist's desk and climbed onto the uncomfortable wooden seat to once more dive into his dark thoughts of earthy conquest.
It wasn't long before the other door opened and the principal motioned for him to come inside. In a bored manner Zim had obeyed.
The wooden chairs inside were as uncomfortable as the ones outside, as opposed to the nice cushy wheeled one the principal sank into. It gave a slight squeak as he sank back into it, studying Ms. Bitters' note.
Some day I shall have a seat such as that, Zim thought. Only mine will be MUCH taller! With missile controls on one arm and lasers on the other! A microphone to extend my commands will be attached on the headrest so everyone shall hear me! Hear me and despair! Oh, and it shall have a vibrating footrest too. And a nice cup-holder.
His thoughts were interrupted once again as the principal leaned forward. "Well then, Zim. It seems our simple requests for you to do your skoolwork has once again fallen upon deaf ears." Here he glanced up and noted Zim's lack of the outwardly appearance of any hearing sensory organ and cleared his throat. "Oh, sorry. Surely you can understand that we are only looking out for your future and welfare. Can't you even meet us halfway?"
"Half…way?" Zim wasn't sure what standing halfway down the hall would accomplish, but then again, it –was- just a human talking.
"Yes. Can't you even give SOME work done to hand in? Just a few sentences? Make an attempt? That wouldn't take up much of your valuable time now, wouldn't it?" The principal stressed the word 'valuable' to make it clear he didn't think Zim had anything else to do that was more valued than the homework. "Who knows, you might even learn something!"
"Zim does not wish to learn about cheese. Zim does not wish to learn most of this what you teach here. It is of no use to Zim!" This was the first time Zim had actually back-talked to the principal but his patience (which was of a very small quantity anyway) had reached its end. "Of what use is 'cheese' to Zim?"
"You know, this talking in third person really grates on the nerves after a bit, Zim. Can't you speak normal, for once?"
"'Normal'? Like you? Ha! Zim does not need 'normal'."
"So, in other words, you're not going to do this very simple bit of work Ms. Bitters had assigned you?"
"Zim does not need to waste Zim's time on such drivel!"
The principal had given a very heavy sigh and tossed the note onto his desk. "Well then, you leave me no choice here. No choice at all. You've brought this all on yourself. Come over here."
Zim gave him a puzzled look. The principal sighed again.
"Look, Zim. We have tried everything. We have been patient with you, even tried to be understanding. I see it just doesn't sink in! Extra work, detention, the notes, nothing!"
Zim changed his expression from puzzled to smug. They could not wear down the Mighty Zim!
"So now we have to resort to….corporal punishment."
The smug look returned to puzzled. Corporal. He didn't realize they had military titles in this skool. Why hadn't he seen this before? It should have been obvious.
"Come over here," the principal ordered again, standing up. Zim slipped down off the chair and walked over to stand besides the desk. How tall this human was!
"Turn around and put your hands on the desk." came the order. Zim did so as he heard a drawer slide open and something gotten out. Moments later he felt a sharp painful smack square on his posterior.
HE WAS BEING PADDLED!
Paddled as if he were just a small smeet once again, barely old enough to stand. Outrage rose in his throat like bitter bile but he swallowed it down and bore it as best he could. He received half a dozen blows before the paddle was returned to the drawer and the principal ordered him out.
"Let this be a lesson to you, young man. We can't tolerate continual disobedience around here. Makes our skool look bad! Don't you agree?"
"Gnnnnrkkk.." was all Zim could manage to reply from between his gritted teeth. His hands were behind him, gingerly rubbing the attacked area. The human nodded.
"All right now. Get back to class. And do your work!"
Zim was so furious he was certain smoke should have been streaming from his head as he stalked back. Kids who would usually mock him now took one look and carefully got out of his way as if he were a rabid grizzly. One kid was so scared he started sniffling and had to be consoled by another classmate. The Irken re-entered the classroom, resisted the almost overwhelming urge to slam the door and took his seat, slowly and carefully. This caused a few mocking giggles to echo about him and he had to send a few murderous glares about to quell them.
Ms. Bitters gave a satisfied nod and then addressed the rest of the class. "All right, we've had our amusement for today. Please open the books to page 145, if you happened to have at least one of your books intact, you miserable miscreants."
Zim found his hands shaking with rage as he picked out the book required and he gripped it so hard he was sure he was going to bend the covers. He had never felt so humiliated!
After skool Dib tried to egg him on about the incidence. "Well now, how did that feel, hm? Being whacked by an 'inferior' being! Takes you down a few rungs, doesn't it? I bet it hurt!"
Zim whirled on him so quickly that the boy stumbled back. "Mark my words, meaningless human, they will pay for this! They ALL shall pay! Zim will NEVER forget this!"
His eyes were burning with such fury that Dib decided that perhaps now wasn't the best time to bother the alien. There would be other opportunities, after all.
"Uh..oh..yeah..ah..sure! Sure they will! Ah..ok…bye !"
Back in his lab Zim shook his head vigorously as if to try to lose all memory of the day's events. No, no he shouldn't forget. As he had told Dib, they will pay for his pain and humiliation!
But…how?
He didn't want to wait for the Irken Force to wreck his revenge; he wanted to taste that sweet concotion NOW! As soon as possible! There had to be a way.
"GI….AHHH!" H had swung around yelling for his robot servant but seeing Gir unexpectedly right next to him made him turn the commanding yell into a startled yelp. "What do you think you're doing!"
Gir held up a frozen treat in response. "You wanted a pineapple popsicle."