There are so many thoughts in your head,
like you'd be better off dead, better off dead.
You sit on the bathroom floor, your eyes red raw from the endless hours of crying over everything and nothing all at once. You whole body is shaking as you reach for the blade perched on the edge of the sink; the blade that has become your only friend. You look at your reflection in its sharp, shiny metal and take in your features. You choke back another sob and bring the blade to your bare wrist and hold your breath as you slice the metal across your skin. You instantly feel relief; like all your worries are slowly melting away. You know you should stop. You know this is wrong. But, you have grown so used to this; to hating yourself.
You slice the metal against your skin again and then throw the knife across the floor and burst into tears. You didn't know it was possible to cry anymore, yet fresh tears roll down your cheeks while you watch the blood seeping from the fresh cuts. You had not cut deep enough to cause any serious damage, not enough to kill yourself anyway. No matter how much you hated yourself, when the moment came, you could never bring yourself to do it and it only made you hate yourself even more.
You're better than this,
You're worth more than this.
You hear the sound of the front door open and panic takes control of your body. You grab the knife and only have enough time to hide it in the bath mat before the bathroom door opens and Dan is in front of you. It takes a moment for him to acknowledge the scene that lay before him and when he does his entire demeanour changes.
"Oh my god (y/n) what happened in here?! Are you okay?" He asks, taking in all the blood on your arms and the bathroom tiles. Your brain goes into overdrive as you quickly try to create a convincing lie.
"I…I was going to have a shower but I slipped and caught my arm on the glass door and I cut myself." You stammer.
For a moment, Dan believes the lie and gets down on his knees and grabs your wrists examining them in detail.
"These look really bad. (y/n) Are you sure you don't need to go to the hospital?"
"No...No… I'm fine."
He knows how much you hate hospitals.
"Fine okay, think Dan… think." He looks around the bathroom frantically.
"We need to try and stop the blood there's some bandages in the kitchen but I don't want you to move just yet." He instructs before getting to his feet and looking around the bathroom once more. He tries to find something to clot the bleeding but all he can find in the draws are rolls of toilet paper and various hair products. Then he notices the bath mat. He picks it up and the knife falls out, clattering on the floor. It feels like the world has stopped for a moment. You hold your breath. Dan is flitting his gaze from the slightly blood-stained white mat to the bloody blade on the floor. Then he looks at you in horror. Your heart explodes in your chest.
If you go my heart would break,
just hold on one more day.
You sit in silence at the kitchen table watching Dan as he carefully wraps the bandages around your wrists, not stopping until they are tight and the sight of blood is gone. He hasn't spoken to you since he found the knife. You have been caught and now things will never be the same again. You will never be able to cut without him knowing. You won't be able to wait until he goes out for a few hours. You know he will never leave your side again.
The silence drags on for another half an hour and when he places the first aid kit in the cupboard above the sink and returns to the table and looks you straight in the eyes, he still doesn't utter a word. Another ten minutes pass before he finally clears his throat and quietly asks:
"When did you start…When did you start doing this to yourself?"
"I don't want to talk about this." You whisper, looking down at your lap to avoid his gaze.
"Well tough. You're not leaving this table until we talk about this. So I'll ask again… How long have you been hurting yourself?"
You wince at the bluntness of his words.
"A year and a half."
"Jesus (y/n)" He places his face in his hands. You hate seeing that you are doing this to your best friend and it makes you only wish you could have the blade in your hand once more.
"I'm going to help okay (y/n) I don't know how, but I promise you I will help you." He says taking hold of your hands.
"I don't need help." You snap, pulling your hands away.
"(y/n) don't bullshit me. If you could have seen what I did...What you looked like. I have never seen that much blood before. And you did it to yourself. What if I hadn't come back early? What if I came back and found you dead on the bathroom floor? What would I tell Phil? Would you want him to remember you that way?"
You wince at the sound of your brother's name and get up from the table.
"STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!" You scream at him. "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY OF THIS."
"Well you're going to hear it whether you want to or not!" He says getting up from the table and walking over to you.
"I know this hurts, but you need to hear this."
"YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THIS HURTS. DON'T BULLSHIT ME DAN. DON'T. "
"Then tell me, tell me everything." He takes your hands and holds them to his chest.
"I hate myself so much Dan, and… as hard as I try, I just hate myself even more. And I cut to forget about that for a while. I deserve it. I deserve all of it."
You feel the tears begin to rise and you are crying once more but this time it is into Dan's chest. You cry and cry and cry and he holds you close to him whispering words in your ears to try and calm you down.
"You are more than capable (y/n). You don't deserve this. You are beautiful even if you can't see it yet. You're funny and kind and cute and you will be okay. I love you (y/n) I'm not going anywhere."
Let me tell you, there's a whole world waiting for you,
it's hard to believe but it's true,
Just hold on for me, hold on for me.