-1Once upon a time there was a princess named Snow Peach, and she was named that because… uh… I don't know. When she was a baby, her parents died so she ended up living with her evil stepmother, the Shadow Queen, who was a real bitch if ask me. The Shadow Queen never liked Snow Peach, so she made the princess her maid, having her clean up the castle and stuff. But Snow Peach didn't mind, in fact she enjoyed cleaning! (Now if only my girlfriend had the same enthusiasm.)
But enough about the princess, let's talk about the Shadow Queen. She wants to most beautiful in all the land, and she makes sure she is. How, you ask? With a magical mirror, which is actually the info box from the game Yoshi's Island. Everyday she would chant "mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" and the mirror would say "you are, my queen." However, one day, the mirror said "Snow Peach."
"Snow Peach?!" the queen shouted "my stepdaughter?!?!"
"Yeah" the mirror replied again "she's gotten pretty hot in my opinion."
"This must be taken care of" muttered the queen.
So the Shadow Queen orders her hunter Waluigi to go out in the forest and kill Snow Peach, bringing her heart back as proof. Waluigi took the princess to the forest, but he didn't want to kill her. Snow Peach was very nice to him, and the Shadow Queen never paid so that bitch could suck a Bristle for all he cared.
Waluigi said to Snow Peach "run away into the woods! The queen wants you dead!"
Snow Peach gasped "oh my! Thank you for telling me that, Waluigi!" Then she fled.
"Ah crap!" Waluigi said to himself. "I should asked her to strip for me!" He shrugged and took Tubba Blubba's heart and went to show it to the Shadow Queen, claiming it was the princess's.
Meanwhile, Snow Peach was lost in the dark forest. She fell to the ground and cried. Nearby, forest creatures that were hiding in the darkness felt sorry for Snow Peach.
The creatures said to each other "poor Snow Peach! Let's help her!"
"Can you help me too?" asked a bleeding and heartless Tubba Blubba.
"WTF NO YOU UGLY!!!" the creatures shouted. After tossing Blubba in the river, they helped Snow Peach up and showed her a cottage in the forest. She went inside and noticed how dirty it was.
"Oh dear!" she said "these people who live here are very dirty! Let's clean this place up for them!" So with the help of her critter friends, Snow Peach cleaned up the place.
As they were cleaning, a Crazee Dayzee asked his friend "aren't we intruding in private property?"
His friend, a Pokey, answers "who cares? Just take as much stuff as you can while the princess isn't looking!"
Somewhere else in the forest, the owners the cottage were walking back home after a long day in the mines. They were the seven Koopalings, Larry, Iggy, Roy, Lemmy, Wendy, Morton, and Ludwig. They use to live in a mansion, but their dad favored the eighth child over them and kicked them out. Anyways, when they got home, they noticed the lights were on inside.
"Ve have an intruda!" Ludwig, the leader of Koopalings, said "let'z go in quietly."
When they went in, they were surprised at what they saw…
"The floor has been cleaned!" Iggy gasped in shock.
"The dishes have been washed!" Wendy spoke in amazement.
"The clothes have been put away!" Lemmy squealed in joy.
"My wallet has been stolen!" Roy yelled in rage.
"A ninja has done it!" said Morton "Let's go find it and kick it's ass!"
They cheered in agreement and went to kick the ninja's ass. However, they found no ninja or it's ass, but rather Snow Peach sleeping on their beds.
Larry whispered "it's a girl… and she's HOT!"
The last word in that sentence woken up Snow Peach, and she was surprised to see seven Koopas looking at her.
"Oh dear" said Snow Peach "you must be the owners of the house. I'm sorry I came here without permission, but I'm in need of a home!"
Ludwig spoke "normally ve vould kill you and eat your face off, howeva you cleaned our house and you apologized, so you can stay vith us."
"Really?" Snow Peach gleefully said "thank you so much!"
And they had a TECHNO PARTAH! WOOOOOOOOOAH!!!1
Meanwhile, the Shadow Queen was performing her daily mirror asking.
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall" she chanted "who's the fairest of them all?"
The mirror answered "Snow Peach."
"WHAT?!" screamed the queen "BUT SHE'S DEAD!!!"
"Nope, she's still alive" the mirror said "and even if she was dead, her corpse would still be ten times better than you, Ms. Fugly Face." The mirror was suddenly blown to bits with a lightning bolt.
"Looks like I have to deal with Snow Peach myself" muttered the Shadow Queen. She went into her spell craft chambers to create poison mushrooms, then transformed into someone by the name of Beldam. "Perfect" cackled Beldam as she went to fulfill her plans.
The next day, Snow Peach was once again cleaning the cottage while the Koopalings were working at the mines. As she hummed while sweeping the floors, an old lady came by.
"Excuse me, missy" spoke the old lady, but Snow Peach was humming to loudly to her. "Hello? Excuse me! Excuse me!! HEY SLUT!!!"
The princess finally heard the old lady, and turned around to politely say "can I help you?"
The old lady calmed down, then said "I was out picking mushrooms for dinner but it seems I picked too many. Can you please eat one for me?"
"Well, you did say please" Snow Peach said. She took a mushroom the old lady handed to her and ate it, tasting it's unique flavor. "Hmm, that was-" was all the princess could say before sprawling on the floor.
Beldam cackled, now that Snow Peach died. She farted on the princess's face before heading off into the woods.
The Koopalings came back a few minutes later, and instantly saw the girl lying on the floor motionless.
"What happened to Snow Peach?" Larry asked in fear.
A Goomba came from out of nowhere and shouted "an old woman gave her a poisoned mushroom!"
"Then let's go kill the old lady!" Morton roared. "And why are in our house, anyway?"
The Goomba sweated and stuttered "um… definitely not stealing panties if that's what your thinking, ehehehe."
The Koopalings rallied a bunch of forest creatures and confronted Beldam, trying to get back home as this body was much slower then the Shadow Queen's.
"What can I do for you, uh, monsters?" Beldam asked in confusion.
Ludwig stated "revenge… GET HER!"
And in an instant the critters attacked Beldam. Chain Chomps bit her butt, Bob-ombs blew up in her face, Yoshis egged her in the stomach, Podobos roasted her arms, and Shy Guys stapled her hands together. The Koopalings picked the beaten Beldam up, then tossed her over a bottomless cliff.
Beldam reappeared by the edge of the cliff and laughed "I had an extra life! Ha ha ha!" Then a Thwomp fell on her and she died.
The next morning, the Koopalings and critters were mourning at Snow Peach's funeral. The front door knocked and Roy opened it to reveal a fat mustached plumber.
"Is this the Koopaling Residence?" the plumber asked.
"You must be Mario" said Roy "the clogged toilet is down the hall. You might need a gas mask, because the shit stinks terribly."
Mario came inside with all his tools, and noticed everyone looking at a princess lying in the coffin.
"She's beautiful!" said Mario "do you mind if I kiss her?"
Wendy replied "go ahead, you necrophilia freak."
The plumber moved through the crowd of creatures, and stood over the peaceful princess. He kneeled down and kissed her on the lips. And to everyone's surprise, she slowly woke up!
"She was just sleeping?" Iggy shouted "what the hell? Did 4Kids come over or something?"
4Kids yelled from outside "maybe you should try checking for a pulse instead of assuming she's dead you dumbass!"
Snow Peach, not caring why she's in a coffin, looked in Mario's eyes and said softly "my prince charming."
The plumber and the princess kissed again and they wed as soon as they could. And they lived happily ever after.
Well, except for the toilet, it still smelt like shit.