"Tell Me I'm Pretty"
a production by
TOTAL INSANITY STUDIOS
THE CAST:
'Log': The Devil / Narrator
'Chelsy': Abigail
'Jorge': Nekkid Girl
'Bucko': Tituba (goes by 'Titty')
It is broad daylight. TITTY is kneeling in front of a cauldron.
TITTY: This bites… Stupid producers can't even afford a proper night…
Shut up.
TITTY: Up yours.
As I was saying, he makes an odd hand symbol over the cauldron, before lighting the candles around it.
TITTY: But there's only one candle…
Quiet, you. Enter ABIGAIL.
ABIGAIL: Okay, you DO realize you're not supposed to read that stuff out loud, right?
… Oh. I knew that.
ABIGAIL: Yeah, and a naked girl is going to come out and attack me in three seconds.
Three seconds pass. NEKKID GIRL (aka Ruth Putnam) jumps out and glomps ABIGAIL. She is wearing a pink cardboard censorship bar over her… ahem Worry not, she shall be wearing clothes, for I am no pervert. At least not in public.
NG: lol, u iz teh PWNZORS!!!
ABIGAIL: struggling to breathe get… off… me… and… speak… english…
NG: lmao, engliz iz 4 teh suk. She gets up anyway.
TITTY: suddenly with an islander accent You best be quiet, now! I'm tryin to summon da spirits!
ABIGAIL: Titty, we all know you're from LA. Cut out the Jamaican junk.
TITTY scowls at her.
NG: fufufu, all yous r suxorz!!!1
ABIGAIL: Speak in some form of recognizable language, or I shall shank thee. THRICE.
NG: Awh… I wanted to be teh leet…
TITTY: Okay people, be quiet because I'm gonna call the devil now!
He begins waving her arms around frantically.
TITTY: Hockety pockety wockety whack! Zaxity Maxity Paxity zack! Come to me, spirits I call! And bring enough booze for all! KAPOOF! On 'kapoof' he thrusts his hands forward in a strange cross between 'hook 'em horns' and 'spirit fingers'. Nothing happens.
TITTY: I said KAPOOF!!!!
Again, nothing happens. ABIGAIL coughs loudly.
THE DEVIL: in a thick british accent from offstage Sorry, sorry, I wass jus finishin up some paperwork, ye see… From the top, now…
ABIGAIL: death glare Out here. NOW.
DEVIL: Fine, fine, I'm coming…
Enter THE DEVIL. He is wearing a red shirt, a long purple skirt , and a pink sweater is tied around his neck. He has his hands on his hips.
Everyone stares at him blankly.
DEVIL: Well, ye called, now wot is it you want?
NG: raises hand
DEVIL: Wot?
NG: Why are you wearing a skirt?
DEVIL: I've misplaced me pants. And besides, it's quite comfortable, I get a nice healthy breeze—
TITTY: cutting him off with a horrified look OKAY, hello, mister Lucifer, sir.
DEVIL: Please, dispense with the formalities. Call me Lucy.
They all stare blankly.
DEVIL: Well, everyone ELSE calls me Lucy.
ABIGAIL: Okay… Lucy… she twitches slightly
NG: aside I just refuse to call him 'Lucy'…
DEVIL: I will shank you. THRICE.
The others back away.
ABIGAIL: Hey, I'm the only one allowed to shank everybody around here.
DEVIL: Yeah, and I hear you also SHAG everybody around here too. OOOOHHHH! Burn!
ALL: OOOOOOOHHHHHH!
TITTY: aside: Now, why are we doing this?
ABIGAIL: It's not an aside if you can hear it, you know.
TITTY: Hey, I called Lucy, remember?
NG: falsely sweet Which is precisely why we should kill you.
TITTY falls silent.
DEVIL: So, why you brung me out here? I was in the middle of dinner, and—would you look at that, I've still got some marinara on my skirt. Here, let me just—
He moves to remove it.
ALL: NO!!!!
The other three jump on him.
NG: No stripping allowed!
They others all stare at her blankly.
NG: Well, other than me of course. I'm just special. And nekkid.
ABIGAIL: Geez, between the streaker and the crossdresser, I'm really beginning to wonder if this was worth it… So, we're here about a book?
DEVIL: Book?
TITTY: The black book. We come to sign it.
DEVIL: What black book? I know nothing of a black book.
ABIGAIL: Surely you're joking.
NG: I think he's telling the truth, Abby.
ABIGAIL: One, don't call me Abby. Only people that I've--- well, only certain people can call me that.
NG: Ooo, like Johnny Prostate—
ABIGAIL: Proctor, Ruth, Proctor.
NG: Oh. Whoops.
TITTY: You're sure you don't have a black book?
DEVIL: Oh, yes. There's no black book. Now, if you're looking for the pink book, then maybe---
ABIGAIL: Oh, god…
DEVIL: clutching his ears in pain OW! DO YOU MIND?!
Blank stares all around.
DEVIL: What?! Do you WANT to cause me pain?!
ALL: Yes.
NG: I mean, you're annoying…
ABIGAIL: You're an idiot to boot…
TITTY: That, and all that pink is REALLY unhealthy for my eyes.
DEVIL: Oh, please. A little pink never hurt anyone. I just like the color, is all! See, look! I even have pink—
He moves to remove the skirt again.
ALL: NO! they jump him again.
DEVIL: Okay, you know what? I'm going. Apparently, I'm not WANTED around here, so you three can just go play in the street or something.
NG: Pssh, as if anybody wants you here, anyways. This is Puritan America, remember? Everyone hates the Devil.
DEVIL: What.
TITTY: Yeah, everybody around here is either a pretentious, religious jerk-wad or an Indian.
DEVIL: Yer bloody kidding me.
ABIGAIL: smiling sweetly Nope!
DEVIL: So, let me get this straight: Not only did you interrupt a VERY nice dinner party, but you summoned me into a place that is both freezing-bloody-cold, but hates me as well?! What in all the nine bloody circles of hell is UP with you people?!
NG: The sky is way, way up!
The others stare blankly.
NG: And blue!
Blank stares continue.
NG: I'm smart.
ABIGAIL: Oookay.
TITTY: Aren't we supposed to sign some kind of pact in blood?
ABIGAIL: Yeah, let's just get this OVER WITH so I never have to talk to you people again.
DEVIL: Ew, blood? Are you kidding? That is, like, SO unsanitary. Use this!
He pulls out a gel pen, which is (yup, you guessed it) pink.
ABIGAIL: Oh, GAWD.
DEVIL: HELLO! I AM HERE, YOU KNOW! THAT BLOODY HURTS!
ABIGAIL: You know what? Screw this.
She throws a bible at him.
ABIGAIL: Eat scripture, foo.
DEVIL: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNS US! IT BURNS US, PRECIOUS!!! WAAAAAAA!!!!!!
He runs away screaming.
Several very awkward moments of silence pass.
ABIGAIL: So, wanna go TP Parris's house?
TITTY: Sounds good to me.
NG: Yaaay! Paper clips!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Awkward silence.
TITTY AND ABIGAIL: Ruth, SHUT UP!
END