Tilte: "When Pigs Fly!"
Author: Phoenix041
Summary: Everyone has said it: "Yeah, when pigs fly!" But what happens when some idiot actually decides to try? Hogwarts is a school of magic, after all.
When Pigs Fly
Everyone has said it. Whether betting, arguing, or simply bantering with friends, everyone has been in the somewhat difficult position of defending an argument that has no real need to be defended. One needs an expression to demonstrate the real impossibility of the event. And so it came to be: "When pigs fly!"
Now, everyone knows that this was invented either by Muggles or before some genius came up with the Levitation Charm. Because the truth of the matter is that all it takes are two words, and pigs fly just fine.
The inevitability of it was so extreme that on the day it actually happened, instead of complaining, the teachers were just glad that it hadn't happened earlier. Many of the students were smart, many were clever, and many were practically wizard dictionaries. And some of them just didn't think, mostly because they didn't have any brains in the first place. The problem with the idiots and wizard dictionaries was that they weren't exceedingly clever, and in a school of magic, cleverness is almost mandatory. To not spend the whole of your school years in the negative House points, anyway.
This story is about one such person named Jessica Moon. Jessica wasn't very clever, nor was she known to study, and all the teachers were of the opinion that it was a miracle that she had even reached her second year without being held back.
The truth was, no one was really to blame. The person had merely said it in passing, not even thinking about the consequences of saying something within the reach of Jessica.
"Maybe Snape will go light on us today," the person's—whose name was Terry Boot—said to his friend, Emmet Starr. Emmet, however, saw the error of Terry's ways.
"Yes, Terry, he'll go easy on us when pigs fly." Emmet and Terry never noticed Jessica walking on their right. They did, however, notice when she spun around and suddenly was walking on their left—in the direction of the Hufflepuff Commons Room.
"What did you do, Starr? See, Moon just left for her Commons Room." Emmet completely ignored the first sentence, focusing instead on the second.
"Wait, how d'you know where the Hufflepuff Commons is?" Terry blushed.
"I might be going out with Susan Bones." Emmet started.
"She in our year? Braids?" He smirked at Terry's nod. "Well, Bones is pretty cute, I guess. But I think Abbot looks more—um…" Terry laughed.
"D'you mean she's got a figure, Starr?" And, as boys do, they completely forgot what fueled their conversation, and Jessica's strange behavior was forgotten.
Meanwhile, Jessica had already reached the Hufflepuff Commons. She was in the unique predicament of not having any dorm mates of her gender in her year. Perhaps this was the reason she didn't have any friends—or maybe it was the fact that she chose to showcase her natural idiocy at every twist and turn. Whichever the reason, she didn't particularly mind. She was about to start thinking her plan over when the House Prefects called lights out.
And naturally, as soon as Jessica jumped into her bed, she immediately forgot all about her plan. And, upon awakening in the morning, instead of doing the sensible thing and waiting until the next day, she decided to go on without any plan. Which is why, of course, she was known as somewhat of a full-class idiot.
Hogwarts might never recover.
That morning was one that would go down in Hogwarts history. At first glance, it seemed perfectly normal. The Weasley twins were telling jokes over at the Gryffindor table. Draco Malfoy and his goons, Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber (also known as Crabbe and Goyle) were terrorizing students, Snape was turning a blind eye, and most people were staring at first year Harry Potter and his two friends, the three of whom had been nicknamed the Golden Trio by the general populace.
Jessica was alone at the end of the Hufflepuff table. She was happily eating her cereal, a smile on her face. As a second year, she wasn't very proficient in Transfiguration. Luckily for her, however, she had a sixth year brother who was only just a bit smarter than her. With a smile still on her face, she meandered over to where he was sitting, with his friend Broderick. She whispered something in her ear, and he nodded. She went back to her corner-seat at the table, now full out grinning. A sixth year looked at her distrustfully. She smiled back.
To everyone's surprise, when they came to lunch there was a horde of pigs mulling around the Great Hall. The teachers began to usher the students out and into the Entrance Hall, but one third year—no one could see their House colors—grabbed a tomato and lobbed it at a Slytherin. "Food fight!" they yelled.
It ended up being Slytherin and Ravenclaw against Hufflepuff and Gryffindor.
"You're dead, snakes!" a Gryffindor yelled.
"When pigs fly!" a Slytherin retorted.
And there it was.
Jessica raised her wand and pointed it at the horde of pigs. "Wingardium Leviosa!"
The pigs flew high into the air, oinking and squealing and making a racket in general. The Slytherins stared at the enchanted ceiling, which was currently mimicking a bright and sunny sky. It looked like the pigs would simply fly out of the hall. But, luckily enough, it was like all other enchantments and was just an enchantment. The pigs did hit the ceiling, however, causing general mayhem to ensue.
Food flew everywhere. So did pigs. None of the teachers could stop the ruckus, so they merely let the students wear themselves out. Slowly, the number of flying projectiles decreased, leaving the teachers with a clear view of the results.
The Gryffindors won the food fight.
Minerva shook her head. "Twenty points from Hufflepuff!" Snape barked. "I really should take more. Pigs flying…" He stalked off to frighten a bunch of first years. Minerva smiled.
"Thirty points to Hufflepuff for creativity and originality," she said. There was a pause. "And ten points to Gryffindor for winning."
Meanwhile, several of the other professors were huddled in a corner. "What next?" Aurora Vector asked to the room in general.
"Hell freezes over," Aria Sinistra replied dryly. "Though I don't know of any way Moon could do that."
Flitwick walked over to them, having heard the comment. "Actually, there is a tricky little Freezing Charm—really very hard to master…"
"FILIUS!"