Title: I Have A NAME!
Summary: Dumbledore has decided that he's had quite enough of all of the fuckery that's being written about him and is about to get on his Petty Betty shit and do something about it. Oh, and he's brought friends that have a similar bone to pick. In fact, the entire cast of Harry Potter is going to get theirs against these so-called "writers" and their horribly false depictions of them.
Warnings/Author's Note: OOC, petty Dumbledore, strong language. This was going to be a oneshot, but I couldn't let the Weasleys go unavenged. Or Hermione for that matter. It's now a series, one or two chapters per character, written for fun and because I'm petty like that. Not bashing any particular writer or story, or really anybody for that matter. This chapter is incomplete, however I do plan on finishing this.
Disclaimer: JK Rowling is the wonderful woman who wrote this amazing series, I'm just borrowing her dolls to play house.
Forty-five-year-old Kayla Dunst was busy typing on her laptop after a long day of work. She was happy to finally come home and get relaxed with her favorite hobby of all time, fanfiction. Especially Harry Potter fanfiction, it had been his favorite thing in the whole world ever since she was a kid, well if all the various merchandise on his walls and the Gryffindor sticker on her computer had anything to say about it.
She absolutely LOVED the Harry Potter universe, it was like her second home and she especially loved all the glowing reviews about her fanfics. The Harmony ones it seemed were the most popular, such kind reviewers. She was currently working on one such story, The Dragon and the Witch. Right now she had just wrapped up her chapter where Harry found out he was Lord Potter-Black and had just come into his dragon inheritance. Now he was going to see his immense vaults filled with gold and jewels, most of which had been stolen by Dumbledore and his goons.
A grimace twisted her bright pink painted lips. Dumbledore, gah! That manipulative Machiavellian old fool, fuck the old man and his so-called Greater Good! It's obvious he was only trying to keep Harry and Hermione apart to take over the world, and he paid that stupid oaf Ronald Weasley and his smothering greedy mother to help him do it. Running a hand through her graying blonde hair, she smirked at her screen as she wondered what to do with the old codger next. Suddenly she had a brilliant idea! Grinning to herself she started to type, fingers flying across the page. She could write SO much better than JKR, she's so deluded! How dare she make children think that abuse was okay?! That Dumblesnore was totally a Dark Lord, he deserved the worst death possible! Well that's okay, it's not like canon is relevant or anything. She could fix this:
"Harry lay in the large luxurious bed in his opulent mansion in France, stroking the silky chocolate hair of his beloved Lady. A snarl graced his lips as he thought of the manipulative old fool. He had gotten away with his evil for too long, and he still wanted payback for the Dursleys. After he had blown up their house and run away to Paris with Hermione after giving magical Britain the flip off and ditching that eating machine redhead and his crazy psychopathic sister, it wasn't like Voldemort and his Death Munchers were determined to see him dead and still going to come after him and kill him no matter where he went after all. He'd be totally fine. Anyway, back to the goat-molesting goat fucker. That bastard deserved death, no he deserved worse than that.
After he had gone to see the Goblins, they had run tests and told him that there were no blood wards at Privet Drive. Dumbledore had totally made that up so that Harry would grow up weak and malleable for his evil schemes. After all, the old fool had set up his parents to die in the first place so that he could have access to the Potter fortune. The biggest shock of all was when he studied the Potter library and Lily and James' wills that the old codger had sealed, never mind that he doesn't have the power to do that in the books, he totally Imperiused the executor of the Potter estate to do it for him. The white bearded fuckface then had planned to have Harry die while fighting Voldemort, so that Dumbledick could swoop in and save the day. Then he'd be hailed as the hero and have all the power and adulations that he had been craving ever since he could speak, the tricky bastard only wanted power and money and he was willing to manipulate anybody for the Greater Good in order to be the most powerful person in magical Britain. Of course he could have done this the easy way and accepted the post of Minister of Magic instead of turning it down all those numerous times along with the power and influence that came with it, but he's EVIL so of course he isn't going to be subtle or smart.
First thing's first, how to get rid of the senile old coot? There was always dropping him into a nest of snakes, or maybe he could Crucio the old fool to death. But no, that would be too easy and not nearly Voldemort-like enough. He would destroy the wizard's reputation first. A well placed things in the Daily Prophet and Dumblefuck would be universally reviled, and when he's been utterly crushed under the weight of everyone's disgust once the child raping bastard's crimes have come to light, everyone in Britain would spit on him and he'd have not a friend in the world, because the wizarding world is totally a hive mind that believes anything that's written in the papers. Then the scheming redheaded whore Ginny would be dealt with, she had tried to drug him with love potions on Dumbledore's orders but of course Hermione stopped her. Harry kissed Hermione's hair, who mumbled in her sleep and stared at the ceiling. Yes, the old lemon drop sucking fool….."
"That's it! I've had just about enough of this!" Kayla nearly dropped her keyboard at that sound, she was in this room all alone a second ago. Swiveling around she saw that her copy of the Prisoner of Azkaban had fallen off the shelf onto the floor. Standing up she was still thinking about that voice when all of a sudden it opened and the pages fluttered like they were being tossed about by an invisible wind. The book started to glow a silvery light and gave a great lurch that nearly tossed the woman out of her chair. When she looked up again a tall figure was standing before her. He had waist length white hair and a long white beard, and his body was draped in a yellow robe with green stars. He was wearing a tall pointed hat that matched, and his bright blue eyes were glittering with something that resembled anger. Behind him were several redheads, although a tall freckled boy, a shorter girl with brown eyes and a plump woman in long robes stood out the most.
Kayla stared at them in shock, as if she couldn't believe what she was seeing right now. Rubbing her eyes she looked again, only to find out that they were still there.
"Are you Miss Mikayla Dunst?" the old man asked her in a flat tone. "Y..yeah. But who are you?! And how did you get into my house?! I'll call the cops!" she snapped. "Don't bother lady, nobody's going to believe you anyway. Some people popped out of a book and into your house?" the tall redheaded boy said, his blue eyes trained on her brown ones coldly. "Who are you and what are you doing here? W..where did you come from?! What do you want?!" Kayla cried again.
"Well Miss Dunst, I am Albus Dumbledore. Although you don't seem to know that I even possess a name, since it's never been used." He said calmly, a twinkle in his eye. "We WANT you to stop writing this bullshit about us, that's what we want." the redhead behind him snapped. "Ronald!" "Sorry Mum."
"That's impossible!" Kayla said, walking around the room. "I assure you it is not. And I won't be violating the Statute since you seem to know about us anyway." the man who addressed himself as Dumbledore said, flicking his wrist and turning her long blonde hair green then back again." The woman trembled after that, forced to accept what she had seen.
"You're…you're Dumbledore?!" she shrieked. "Indeed I am, and my friends here are the Weasleys." He said good naturedly and then his voice carried a hint of steel in it. "Well Miss Dunst, here we are. For twelve years, twelve years I've been watching you write these things about how horrid I am and how I deserve the worst death possible, how you'd torture me if given the chance. Well here I am, now's your chance." Dumbledore tucked his wand away and spread both empty hands out. "Come madam, I'm here in front of you. Do what you will." He said, eyes never leaving hers. Instead of their usual twinkle they were cold and hard.
Kayla stood right where she was.
"That's what I thought." He said, the calmness in his voice almost too polite. "Now, I don't really normally care much about accusations against myself, especially if they're so obviously unfounded. But things like this?! Raping children, stealing from Harry's volt, setting up Lily and James' deaths?! These things I cannot tolera…Miss Weasley!" he called from over his shoulder as Ginny was struggling in the twins' grip trying to make a beeline for the terrified woman. "I drugged Harry with Love Potion bitch?! I tried to kill him?! Oh you're soooo gonna get it!" she growled, Fred trying to steady her.
"Ginny, calm down. You'll get your shot." Fred told his sister. "Yeah, we'll make sure of it. Dumbledore's gonna go first though alright? Because this Muggle's done the worst to him." George chimed in. Ginny reluctantly stopped, her face still scarlet but she nodded stiffly, fingering her wand.
"Right, now Miss Dunst. What say you?" Dumbledore asked calmly.
"You're a manipulative bastard!" she said, pointing at him. The old man merely chuckled.
"Manipulative, yes. Bastard, no. I assure you my parents were married long before my conception." He smiled while Kayla glared at him.
"You kept Harry and Hermione apart!"
"Negative."
"You left him with the Dursleys, to brainwash him!"
"No, to prevent Voldemort from killing him. If I wanted to brainwash Harry I would have raised him myself. To my eternal shame I never checked on him, that's my fault." Dumbledore's eyes turned pensive, sad, regretful.
"You sealed his parents' wills."
"Even if Lily and James HAD wills, I have neither the power nor the authority to seal them."
"You manipulated him and forced him to do all these things!"
"Not as much as you'd like to think. Harry did all of his risky adventures on his own instigation I'm afraid."
"All you cared about was the Greater Good! You're evil, you're a Dark Lord!"
"If you've read these books that apparently are about us, you would see that you've never heard me use the phrase "The Greater Good" once in the entire thing. Only once was it mentioned, and I wrote it in a letter during a very troubled time in my life far in the past." Dumbledore answered, he was quite enjoying himself. "Come now Miss Dunst, everything you've just said could be proven false if you read these books of yours. You have to come a lot stronger than this."
"Now, when you've made these false accusations against me, even Rita Skeeter used my proper name which you failed to do. While I appreciate your creativity in colourful insults, I have a name you know. Is it really so hard to say it? Albus Dumbledore, that's my name. Not old fool, not old goat, not Dumbledork, not Dumblefuck, not old bastard, not goat fucker ("That's simply disgusting and I'm disgusted and I'm appalled and I'm also offended, where did you get that from?!"), DumbleDORE. Say it with me. Dum-ble-dore. It's three syllables, try it with me Miss Dunst." Dumbledore said, his tone like he was talking to a particularly dense first year. Ron was laughing in the background, his face red with the exertion while Ginny merely glared chocolate murder at the speechless Muggle. Kayla finally found her bearings and stood up. "Yeah, well maybe I'm TRYING to insult you!" she shrieked at Dumbledore who said nothing.
"Well then, may I suggest a dictionary or thesaurus perhaps? Dumbledork, really? That is honestly something I'd expect a four year old to say, not a forty-five year old. It's so childish and asinine that it's comical. I have a name you know. Albus Dumbledore, THAT is my name! Not Dumbledork or whatever braindead thing you want to call me, when referring to someone you typically use their given name. Did your parents ever teach you manners?" The old man said calmly with a small tilt of the head, sipping from a teacup that he conjured. Kayla blinked her eyes and just stared at the collective group. Finally she spoke, glaring at Dumbledore and refusing to back down. He was rather impressed.
"You can fuck off Dumbledick, and take that weirdo family with yo….okay, that's it lady! You're getting really annoying!" Ginny snapped, and the blonde turned to her in surprise.
"This isn't even about me and I'm annoyed! I mean we've READ your "fanfictions", some fans you are. Anyway, what did we ever do to you?! What did we do to deserve the crap that we get from you? The worst ones I've seen are about me and Professor Dumbledore, not only have you written such crap about me and ruined my image (I'm getting to you later, just waiting my turn), but you won't even use Professor DumbleDORE's name right! We've used Hermione's computer and we've seen it all! Dumbledore Bumblemore. Will y'all quit with the dumb nicknames?! Bumblemore, Dumblefuck, Dumbledick, just AHHHHHHH! Stop! HIS SURNAME IS DUMBLEDORE! IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO REMEMBER, SPELL OR PRONOUNCE! He. Has. A. Name! What is wrong with these Dumbledore haters, did they forget the man's government?! Geez, USE HIS NAME! Why is it so hard to do?! Especially you, LadyHarmonyLover77, every second or third word it's always "old fool", "old goat", "goat fucker", "Dumblefuck", "Machiavellian master manipulator", "master manipulator", "old coot", "manipulative old coot", "old codger" (we GET it, he's old!) or some other stupid dumb insulting nickname?! Seriously, every time he's referred to you and your braindead ilk always use these dumb epithets! At least people use my name, Professor Dumbledore isn't so lucky.
I mean Merlin fuck! My gods, he has a NAME! He has a fucking NAME, Albus Dumbledore! Use it! Is it so hard to call him Albus Dumbledore?! Or Albus, or Dumbledore, or any of his like THREE middle names?! Geez, even Voldemort gers referred to as Tom at least in these fics! Like is Dumbledore supposed to be Voldemort now?! Like use his proper name and Snatchers will come and kill you?! May as well call him You-Know-Who for all that!" The redhead was obviously reaching the end of her tether.