DISCLAIMER
All characters from the The Young Ones series belong to Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer. (I'm just borrowing them...)
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PAIN
(The kitchen; There is no one in sight, but a terrible moaning can be heard. NEIL enters from upstairs, yawning.)
NEIL
Oh, well, I suppose I'll start cooking breakfast then… (notices the moaning, looks puzzled) Oh wow, heavy, man. What's that sound coming from?
(As NEIL starts opening the fridge and cupboards to find out what the source of the moaning is, RICK enters through the back door, moaning violently.)
NEIL
Oh, Rick! Are you ill or something, man? What's wrong?
RICK
(still moaning) Well, I was outside in the garden, trying to enjoy the splendour of the new morning, when Vyvyan suddenly opened his window and started throwing things at me!
(VYVYAN enters through the hole in the ceiling.)
VYVYAN
Well, you were making a lot of noise, weren't you?!
RICK
I was trying to put my nuanced feelings into a poem, Vyvyan! But I suppose someone as artistically mute as you wouldn't understand that!
VYVYAN
(screaming) You woke me up!
RICK
It wouldn't hurt if you tried to appreciate the beauty of daybreak for once, you know, Vyvyan!
VYVYAN
I know something that would hurt! (starts chasing RICK around the room)
NEIL
Look, Rick, I don't want to bring you down or anything, right? But it's four o'clock in the afternoon, you know.
RICK
(still running from VYVYAN) Is it? Oh, well, yes, I knew that. Lordy lordy, you mustn't take everything literally, Neil. Pfff! How I express myself is known as poetic license, you know.
VYVYAN
(breaking the leg off the dining table on his way) What, you mean talking complete bollocks?!
RICK
(stopping, angrily with his hands on his hips) I do not talk bollocks, Vyvyan!
VYVYAN
Okay, but what about now? (hits RICK hard between the legs with the table leg)
RICK
Aaaaaargh!
VYVYAN
Now, Neil, did that make any sense?
NEIL
No, that's bollocks, Rick.
RICK
(looking down at his trousers) Yes, well, they were.
TABLE LEG
Well, I wasn't that impressed, actually.
(MIKE enters from upstairs.)
MIKE
What's all this screaming and shouting, guys?
NEIL
Yeah, Mike, it's all been very heavy, you know. Rick and Vyv are fighting again, and I can't take it because I am on this planet to love and be loved by everyone, and I want everyone to, like, love each other as well, you know?
VYVYAN
Pervy!
NEIL
Actually, Vyv, I'm not being pervy. I wasn't talking about sex, right? I mean people should be, like, nice to each other.
VYVYAN
Nice to each other?! Oh yeah, why don't you start fondling my bottom right now while you're at it!
RICK
(moving towards VYVYAN) Stop being so stupid, Vyvyan!
VYVYAN
Don't touch me, you girly! (punches RICK in the face)
NEIL
(panicking) Mike, man, you've got to help me, right, 'cause Rick and Vyv are getting out of control and I can't handle it, man.
MIKE
It's their problem, Neil. Let them solve it themselves. (starts reading the paper)
NEIL
Whoa, man, uncool…I've got a feeling something terrible is about to happen…
RICK
That's enough! You're always hurting me, Vyvyan! And you're always telling me I'm a girl!
VYVYAN
Yeah, that's right! (pause) Girl!
NEIL
Guys…
RICK
You've gone too far now! I'll show you some real pain! (goes into the garden)
(NEIL looks worried, while Mike reads the paper and VYVYAN just stands around looking happy and perfectly unaware of the fact that RICK is returning from the garden with a rather large clay pot in his hands.)
NEIL
Rick…
RICK
(angrily, holding the pot over VYVYAN's head) Any last words, Vyvyan?
VYVYAN
Only one, actually.
RICK
(distracted) Well, what is it?
VYVYAN
Girl!
RICK
Right, that's it! (smashes the pot down on VYVYAN 's head; VYVYAN falls over) Hah! That'll teach you!
NEIL
Oh, no! Vyv, are you okay, man?
VYVYAN
(getting up) I'm fine, Neil! You didn't think a stupid girl like Rick can do any real damage to me, did you?
RICK
Damn! (runs upstairs angrily)
NEIL
Oh, wow, Vyvyan! You must be happy it didn't hurt so much, man.
VYVYAN
Is he gone?
NEIL
Yeah.
(VYVYAN falls down again, cradling his head in his hands and whimpering.)
NEIL
Whoa, Vyv, why are you crying, man?
VYVYAN
Because my head hurts, alright?!
NEIL
(squatting down beside VYVYAN, who is still whining) Oh, wow, man…you see what happens when you're not nice to each other? You see, you have to, like, be considerate and not bash each other's brains in all the time, you know… Let me see that. (reaches to remove VYVYAN's hand to see whether he is bleeding)
VYVYAN
(suddenly jumping up and kicking NEIL over so he hits the fridge) Get off me, you smelly hippie pervert!
NEIL
Alright, alright…but you see we've got to stop all this mindless violence, right?
VYVYAN
Yeah.
NEIL
Good.
VYVYAN
I only need to do one little thing.
NEIL
What's that?
VYVYAN
(screaming) Cut Rick's head off! (runs angrily upstairs; NEIL collapses against the fridge wearily)
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...to be continued.