Author's Note: Welcome to my entry in whitem's second annual Snow Daze contest. Last year I went a bit crazy and put up several separate Kim Possible themed Xmas carols, my entry for the contest and my epic HOP ON POSSIBLE OR HOW SHEGO STOLE KIMNESS, but this year time is tight and I'm working on something else that people have been screaming for, so I decided to shovel all the different things I did last year into one single monstrosity and produce a tribute to all the old Holiday specials from when I was growing up. You know the recipe: Take a famous Holiday Song, twist the lyrics around a bit and add some new material, then hook them all together to form a sort of story. If you want, you can imagine this being done in awkward stop-motion animation. I don't know why you would, but maybe you find it kinky. Meanwhile, I'll struggle desperately to keep things just within the limits of a T rating. I'll probably fail, but hope you enjoy it anyway and Happy Holidays. (Legal at bottom.)
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HOMICIDAL FOR THE HOLIDAYS
By SHADO Commander
PART ONE – I'LL HAVE A BRUISED CHRISTMAS WITHOUT YOU
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(NOTE: Dialog in italics is SUNG)
Middleton. The night before Christmas. All is calm… and then it gets bright as a glowing aura of light appears, forming into Tara, Monique and Bonnie dressed as Angels. Tara and Monique are dressed in classic white robes with pristine white wings and gleaming gold halos. Bonnie is dressed, if it can be called that, as a Victoria's Secret angel, in barely-there underwear, black wings and a her halo that is decidedly bent and skewed off center. As one, they begin to sing to the tune of THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY
TARA, MONIQUE & BONNIE:
We're the chorus,
Tara – Monique – Bon Bon…
We've got this lame ass job,
Tara – Monique – Bon Bon…
Our job is to narrate,
Tara – Monique – Bon Bon…
(For a flat Union Rate,)
Tara – Monique – Bon Bon,
Tara - Mon – Bon…
Tara - Mon – Bon…
So, we'll stand around,
Tara – Monique – Bon Bon…
And comment on…
All that goes on…
BONNIE: Our story begins on a cold winter night, when the snow is so deep,
MONIQUE: In the city of Middleton, where almost all are asleep,
TARA: Almost everyone, that is, except for a certain green creep…
FADE to the streets of Middletong, where SHEGO, that plasma wielding wicked bitch of just north of Go city, is currently stomping through the streets of Middleton on a tear, leaving a long trail of slushy footprints in the new-fallen snow as she randomly incinerates Xmas decorations, parking meters and the occasional pair of police officer's trousers. And yes, because this is a musical, she's singing.)
SHEGO:
(To the tune of I WANT A HIPPOPOTAMUS FOR CHRISTMAS)
I want to nail KimPossible's ass for Christmas,
'Cause whipping Kimmie's butt is all I want,
Don't want no bufoons,
Or number two Will Du's,
When it comes to banging, Kim's the only one I'll choose!
I want to nail KimPossible's ass for Christmas,
'Cause fighting is what me and Kimmie do,
And with no Drakken there,
Or henchmen in my hair,
I'm going to leave my Princess' butt a royal shade of blue!
I'll creep up on her while she's sleeping,
And the sidekick's not around,
Then I'll launch a sneak attack,
And flip Kimmie on her back,
And nail some Possible ass into the ground!
I want to nail Kim Possible's ass for Christmas,
I'm gonna have me a piece of Pumpkin pie,
I'll grab that cute cheerleader,
And then proceed to beat her
And I'm gonna enjoy it all, I ain't a gonna lie!
I want to nail Kim Possible's ass for Christmas,
Though I'm a bit unclear on what comes next,
I ought to throw her to the floor,
And rough her up some more,
But for some reason I keep sensing this strange KiGo undertext…
There's something about fighting Kim,
That makes me feel so good,
Could it be that just a fraction,
Of that's caused by attraction?
Let me clarify so I won't be misunderstood!
I'm going to Kim Possible's ass for Christmas,
And only nailing Kim Possible will do,
It's more than rivalry,
I guess I must confess,
After all there's reason I keep calling her Princess!
I want to get my Kimmie in a corner,
Though after that my plans are kind of loose,
I want to Kung Fu around,
And then get down to grips,
But most of the time I'm just thinking of her lips!
I keep seeing Kim in all of my dreams,
Sneaking in my lair,
But in my dreams her mission suit,
Has somehow got the boot,
And she crawls into my bed completely bare…
But I want to nail Kim Possible for Christmas,
And those thoughts don't make me a lesbian, you know,
But when I watch her move,
It really makes me groove,
And then I just want to strip her naked from head to toe!
I want to nail Kim Possible's ass for Christmas,
And that's exactly what I'm going to do,
Drakken said to beat her,
So I will and when I've won,
I'm gonna teach my Kimmie a new kind of one on one!
I keep fantasizing about my Princess,
Laid out on my sheets,
A natural redhead,
Spread eagled on my bed,
An all you can eat buffet of Pumpkin treats!
I'm gonna nail Kim Possible's ass for Christmas!
And teach her a new kind of Xmas cheer!
I'll ring all Kimmie's chimes,
a couple of hundred times,
And I won't stop ringing them, until we ring in the new year!
And hopefully Kim will ring in my chimes too!
(With determined purpose, Shego continues down the street as the CHORUS reappears, flitting in on their tiny wings.)
BONNIE: You want to bet on that Shego? The odds are quite steep!
MONIQUE: But if you're looking for Kim, she's collapsed in a heap,
TARA: ignoring her Kimmunicator, which keeps going beep beep beep!
TARA, MONIQUE & BONNIE: (singing to the tune of HARK, THE HERALD ANGELS SING)
Kim is sleeping like a log,
Last night she had too much egg nog,
And little does our Kimmie know,
That Shego's thinking of KiGo...
Ki Go oh oh oh
Ki Go oh oh oh
Who knows where this plot will go?
Time to get back to… the… show…
Fade in on KIM'S APARTMENT. A rumpled Kim Possible lies in a well tossed bed, trying to ignore the frantic beeping of her Kimmunicator, which lies on the floor next to the bed amidst a pile of discarded clothing, an empty carton of eggnog and a personal pleasure device. After a few minutes of attempting to block the sound with her pillow, she can finally stand the noise no longer and grabs the device… the Kimmunicator, that is… from the floor and switches it on to reveal the face of Wade, who is wearing a Santa hat and a very serious expression. Kim doesn't even blink as Wade suddenly bursts into song.
WADE: (Singing to the tune of WE NEED A LITTLE CHRISTMAS)
There's trouble KP,
A certain green fiend is out on the streets again!
I know it's early,
But the authorities say they need your services now!
They need you to go fight Shego,
Right this very minute,
You've got to catch that villain,
Find a jail, then put her in it!
Yes, you need to go fight Shego,
Right this very second,
I know it's early for a sitch, but you need to go and stop that bitch!
KIM: I'm on her… er, it, Wade!
(Kim snaps off the Kimmunicator and leaps out of bed, revealing that Kim Possible sleeps in the raw, and picks up the tune in progress as she runs frantically to her closet and starts grabbing clothes. Unfortunately, her purple mission suit is covered with tapioca – don't ask –so she stuffs it in the dirty laundry hamper and instead grabs her old and very battle-worn original outfit. )
KIM:
New suit's in the wash!
Gonna have to wear this old black and olive green,
No panties or bra,
But going commando will save lots of time anyhow…
'Cause though I've grown a little older, grown a little wiser,
My boobs aren't any bigger, they haven't grown a size-er,
And if I'm going to go and tangle, with that green heat miser,
I've got to get a move on now!
For I've got to catch that villain, put her in the slammer,
Kick a little green ass, wham bam thank you ma'am-er,
I'll just put on a little makeup, then lower the hammer,
And then I'll go fight Shego now!
Don't need to call Ron,
I can't afford to let him be distracting me,
Brush hair and perfume,
It'll get smudged but I should try to look good anyhow,
'cause I've got to go fight Shego, right this very minute.
I hope she wears her cat suit, she really looks good in it,
Yes I've got to get Shego, right this very instant,
I'm leaving now at a double trot,
Come on Shego, lets see what you've got!
By now Kim is running down the stairs of her apartment and out on the street, where the trusty Sloth awaits.
KIM:
Jump in the old Sloth,
Borrowed rides can't beat having your own machine,
Re-check the make up,
Hit the accel and hope I'll be fighting with Shego soon now!
For though I've learned even more skills, gotten even better,
I've never had a challenge, like when we fight together,
And I wish I could fight Shego, everyday forever,
I need to go fight Shego now!
And though it may seem quite strange, when I'm thinking of her,
Whether when she's fighting, or flying in her hover,
The truth is that in my heart, I kind of sort of love her,
So I've got to go get Shego now!
Yes it's true that I like Shego,
And right this very minute,
I'm thinking of that villain,
And a bed with us both in it!
But I'll stay inside the closet,
Because that's what is expected,
And make do with fighting Shego now!
And with that, Kim Possible speeds off for her date with destiny. The question is, will it be the kind of date that requires flowers, or the kind etched on a tombstone? What do the Angels have to say?
BONNIE: So Kim's off to fight Shego, that was sure quick
MONIQUE: But can she defeat her? It'll be quite a trick!
TARA: But before we get to that, where the hell's the sidekick?
TARA, MONIQUE & BONNIE: (Singing to the tune of UP ON THE HOUSETOP)
Outside Kim's window,
Someone slinks,
It's the Ronster, full of kinks,
He's up to something but just what?
No doubt some kind of sneaky plot!
Ho Ho Ho
What does he know?
Ho Ho Ho
Where will he go?
Off of Kim's window, Ron pulls the grating,
This next bit may be pushing our "T" rating!
Thanks to a little bit of monkey mojo, the window to Kim's bedroom easily pops open and Ron sticks his head inside. Seeing that the coast is clear, he furtively flips into the room and pulls out his Roncom.)
RON: It's clear Wade. Thanks!
WADE: Just remember you that you owe my share, okay?
RON: No problemmo, big W. The Ron man's got you covered… and speaking of covered…
(Ron trots over to Kim's closet, pulls it open and, yes, begins to sing.)
RON:
(to the tune of WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND)
Kim's away, on a mission,
So without, her permission,
Into her closet I'll bound,
While she's not around,
And try on all of KP's underwear!
Kim's drawers are loads of fun for the Ron-man,
Every time that Kimmie's out of town,
Can I wear KP's high heels? Yes, I sure can!
I'll try on every single dress and gown!
I'll pose for a close-up,
In her bra, (it's a b-cup,)
In Kim's negligee,
I'll dance and be gay,
Dancing round in KP's underwear!
Kim Possible has no idea that her friend Ron,
Looks better in most of her clothes than her,
Do I take some of them home? All the time, Mon!
She's never even wondered where they were!
A sweet Kimmie panty,
On my ass, they're so scanty,
And they're worth lots in trade,
When I give them to Wade,
Who also loves KP's underwear!
You'd be surprised at how many cross dressers,
There are running around in Middleton,
Are some of those main villains? Sure Professor!
And I'll bet you can guess another one…
(CUT TO DRAKKEN's latest lair, where that blue sneaky pervert is breaking into Shego's room)
DRAKKEN:
Gone away is Miss Green Socks,
So I've picked all her room's locks,
And while Shego's away,
Old Doc D will play,
Wearing Shego's dirty underwear!
Wearing Shego's used undies,
makes for the most fun days,
They smell like old plasma,
And set off my asthma,
But I love Shego's dirty underwear!
The rush is so mighty,
When I wear her nightie,
I'll fondle and caress,
Her panties crotchless,
Wearing Shego's dirty underwear!
In her spare cat suit,
I'm off on a toot,
To meet friends in Shego's underwear!
(Segue to THE MIDDLETON DRAG CLUB, where Ron is now fully dressed as Kim, Drakken dressed as Shego, Wade inexplicably and rather unbelievably dressed like Dolly Parton… and they've been joined by Will Du, who is now wearing Dr. Director's clothes and ten inch heels)
RON, DRAKKEN, WADE & WILL:
And of course we always get together,
Every time the girls are out of town,
Four cross dressing Birds Of a feather,
Going out to promenade around!
The girls' clothes, they're so thrilling,
Our hearts are overfilling,
Parading in drag, is simply our bag,
Wearing Kim and Shego's underwear!
WILL:
And here's a news flash:
Kim's Panties are my eyepatch!
How can I go wrong,
When I've got Possible's thong?
RON, DRAKKEN, WADE & WILL:
We're wearing Kim and Shego's underwear!
As the boys hit a high note and a freeze-pose, Bonnie, Monique and Tara flap into the room, shaking their heads
BONNIE: Well, that was certainly quite strange and twisted…
MONIQUE: Now I have memories that I wish never existed!
TARA: Such naughtiness, Santa says, makes them permanently blacklisted…
BONNIE: But what bothered me most was Ron had camel toe!
MONIQUE: And that's half of our story, there's still one half to go…
TARA: But the writer's backed up a bit, so it'll come soon, y'know?
TO BE CONCLUDED IN PART 2 – GUIDED MISTLETOE
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Ye Old Legal stuff: Kim Possible, Shego, Wade Load, Ron Stoppable, Bonnie Rockwaller, Tara, Monique, Dr. Drakken, Will Du, Dr. Director and all other characters borrowed from the wonderful KP Universe are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context may be considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etcAlso, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18. Apologies to the composers of all these classic songs: Dick Smith( WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND aka Winter Wonderland, which BOB RIVERS adapted into WLKING ROUND IN WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR,) Charles Wesley, George Whitehead and Felix Mendlessohn, (HARK, THE HERALD ANGELS SING,) Jerry Herman (WE NEED A LITTLE CHRISTMAS, from the play MAME,) John Rox (I WANT A HIPPOPOTAMUS FOR CHRISTMAS,) Katherine Kennicott Davis (THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY,) and Benjamin Hanby (UP ON THE HOUSETOP.)