A/N: Nothing is mine. Not the characters, not the song. Nothing. The only thing I own is a dog. And trust me, you don't want her. This is my first fanfiction, so reviews would be appreciated. And if flames are your thing then, well... whatever. Don't read it. The song is "I'm Not Ready To Make Nice" by The Dixie Chicks.
Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
Max stood on the roof with Joshua's flag flying overhead. She looked around her at all the transgenics gathered there for… she didn't know. Hope. Solace. The comfort and acceptance only to be found with others of their kind. There were many reasons the transgenic were here, not the least of them was to remember those who weren't. Another died yesterday. Cece was new to Max's life, but that didn't lessen the hurt. It was familiar by now.
I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and I'll keep paying
Jack. Eva. Ben. Tinga. Zack. Biggs. Cece. They were all gone. Maybe not Zack. Maybe with the others help she could get Zack back. Somewhere down the line she had lost her fire, that spark that made her Max. She'd been whiny, broody and afraid; she had let grief win without standing up and being the kick-ass bitch she was created to be. She'd lost so much in her life, but one thing was clear: a line had been crossed. She could not sit back and be complaisant while all around her, her people were being hunted and killed.
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
"We've all chosen to stay, but haven't said what exactly we're gonna do. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm thinking… we've lost too many…"
All eyes were on her, a young, tiny brunette who didn't look like she could kill a spider let alone take out a linebacker without pausing to think. The silence on the roof was thick and the tension was palpable. The transgenics waited with bated breath; every one of them was aware that the next words out of her mouth could make or break their rebellion. Most of them didn't trust her yet, but a grudging respect was there.
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
Max looked away from the piercing stares directed at her. Heatedly she began again, "I've lost too many, brothers and sisters, because that's what we are… family. Kin. Transgenic style." At that Max looked up and grinned. "And nobody messes with my family. I say… they wanted genetically engineered super soldiers, so let's give 'em genetically engineered super soldiers!" She looked out at the crowd searching each of their faces for something.
"I know you don't trust me. I know I'm a rogue traitor to most of you, but consider this: we didn't run away because we couldn't take it. I've been told that it got much worse as you got older and I believe that without a doubt. But I didn't run away because I was weak. We ran because we were sick and tired of watching our unit die one by one. They were killing our family so we did the only thing we could think of to stop it. Probably not the best idea looking back on it, but it was the best we knew."
I know you said
Why can't you just get over it?
It turned my whole world around
and I kind of like it
"What about Logan?" asked a voice from the back. "Where does your precious Ordinary fit into all of this. He your family too?"
Max laughed out loud at that, much to the amusement of various onlookers and to Alec's astonishment.
"Logan's an Ordinary. I know he belongs on the other side of the fence just as you do." She saw Alec's surprise. "And not because I'm a danger to him. I am. But that's not why. He's on the other side of the fence simply because they're his kind. And we need our own kind. I know I missed mine for ten years. I don't fit with his kind and he doesn't fit with mine."
A cheer erupted from the crowd. Max looked around happily. It had been a long time since she had felt happy. The grief was still there but she finally felt whole.
"Alright kiddies," Alec broke through the noise, "enough for now. We've had a long day and night and it is morning again so I know we could all use some rest. Those of you with assigned duties hop to it, those without… I suggest you skip off to bed for a few hours."
The transgenics slowly left the roof, some choosing to jostle down the stairs but most finding more unconventional exit routes. Soon there was only Max and Alec. Max turned to leave as well, she had a nice warm bed to get to; maybe she could even get an hours sleep she was so exhausted.
"Max…" his voice stopped her in her tracks. "Max, did you really mean it? I mean what you said about you and Logan?"
I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
That she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
Max sighed deeply; she knew this explanation was long overdue. "I'm transgenic Alec; I know you think I forget that sometimes. Recently I realized that that should be more than enough. I like who I am. Or was before I let the guilt and responsibilities eat away at my soul. If I have a soul," she laughed at that thought. "In some ways I'm glad they started this war, because I know which side I'm on and I'm finally satisfied with it.
"What the Ordinaries have been doing to us… it's despicable. No one deserves that." Max glimpsed at him, seeing the regret and grief in his beautiful green eyes.
"Biggs," he started sadly, "I never told you Josh and I beat the shit out of those guys who killed him. Then we threatened them and told them to get out of town." His voice was quiet but hard and defiant. His chin was jutted out and the lines in his face were rigid. Only his eyes betrayed uncertainty. Max realized he was expecting her to come down on him, berate him for what he'd done. What he'd done in the service of a friend and fallen comrade. This was evidence enough in her mind of the awful bitch she'd been to him. Her eyes softened and her voice gentled.
"Good. Served them right."
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over
"Good?" he echoed, seemingly lost. "Served them right? What?"
"I take it that's not what you were expecting," she said with a small sad smile. "But it's true. It served them right. How dare they lynch and innocent man? He was just getting a coffee while he was on break! He didn't hurt or threaten any of them. He had done nothing wrong! What the hell gave them the right to murder Biggs because he was different? That could have been any one of us!" she stopped abruptly in the middle of her rant. She stared him directly in the eye, purposely leaving her barriers down, leaving herself open to his scrutiny. Then she continued softly, "it could have been you. And then I would have tracked each and every one of them down and ripped them to shreds." Her final words were soft but vehement and brutal. They were the plain truth. She would have done just that.
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
"What I said before still holds true Alec. I'm sick and tired of humans taking my family away because they can. We're stronger, faster, smarter and better trained then they'll ever be. There may be more of them but I won't lose anyone else! I realize that we can't wait for them to accept us. The cost is too high. They've started a war they can't win. They've trapped us here like the animals they say we are. Well okay. We are animals. I'm a cat and cats have nine lives," This made her grin in a saucy, sassy, Max-like way. "Personally I can't have used more than seven, so there's gotta be a few left hanging around somewhere."
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
"I've been trying to do the good thing for a while now. Logan's influence. But I guess the good thing isn't always the right thing. Logan tried in his own way to love me, but part of that was disassociating myself from the badness of my own nature. I was always doing things that he tried to teach me I shouldn't do. And I let him. I became a house-broken version of myself."
Max looked away from him. Joshua's flag was flapping in the wind, its symbolism not lost on Max.
I let Logan's should's dictate my life, but I just can't anymore. I'm drained, just left so empty from trying to fit myself to what's acceptable to Ordinary society. I don't want to anymore Alec. I just can't." She looked up at him begging him to understand.
"I respect what you did to those guys who killed Biggs. It wasn't a good thing by normal standards but it was the right thing to do for us. It was what I wanted to do so many times for my own dead. I missed them so badly but I never fought for them. I should have. The Ordinaries need to realize that nothing is more dangerous than a trapped, wounded animal."
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
"You know Alec, somewhere down the line," she paused looking thoughtful, "I think it was being captured by Manticore and Zack's sacrifice, I became bitter and I never gave you a chance. I was hard on you from the beginning. But somehow you, you probably don't know this, but you've become my best friend." She looked into his eyes, not wanting to miss any part of his reaction to this little speech of hers. His pupils dilated and his eyes widened minutely in shock for a moment before he got his face back under control.
She smiled a little at his loss of control, if only for a second or two. "I always thought that everyone I cared about would leave. Or that I would be the death of them. And I was. So many died because of me."
"Not you Max. It was not your fault; you take too much on your own shoulders."
"No Alec. You don't know. Eva, Eva was shot trying to stop the guards taking me away. I was seizing so badly. That's why we escaped. And Ben. You know about Ben. You know I killed my brother with my own two hands, snapped his neck. Zack shot himself in the head for me. And even Cece. She was standing in front of me at Jam Pony. She was pretending to be my human shield, and they shot her."
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
"So I pushed everyone I cared about away. And I was good at it. I'm sorry I hurt you. You have no idea how sorry. I was just trying to protect you. Whatever else I do, all the fighting and bitching and stuff, I always try to protect what's mine."
Max searched his face for clues as to what he was thinking. Did he know what she was saying? But she heard the tell-tale quickening of his heartbeat. She leaned into him, her hand resting on his chest. She tilted her head and ran her nose along his jaw line, inhaling his scent. He smelled musky, like sweat and blood and man and cat. He hadn't showered since Jam Pony and although she had stitched him up nicely the smell and the blood remained.
"And you, my Smart-Alec…" she looked up into his eyes, seeing everything he was feeling circling there. Doubt. Confusion. Hope. He had the most beautiful eyes she'd ever seen. She held his gaze for what seemed like hours. "You are mine." The statement was fierce and passionate. "And no one will take what's mine."
Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
Thinking about the last two days, the last two years really, Max was filled with sadness for all that she had lost. But, she supposed, there was always tomorrow. Tomorrow would be good; she had a heist planned and the kitchen was serving chicken.
Max knew there'd always be a little bit of her that was broken, but she also knew that that was okay. Everyone was a little broken on the inside. And looking around her room, Joshua's painting on the floor leaning up against the wall, her mate wrapped around her sleeping, she smiled. A few broken pieces just made the puzzle more interesting.