~Her Sanctuary~

This is an A/U story that was inspired from a picture Tony posted of him in a doctor's outfit.

Disclaimer: I own nothin' of Major Crimes, nothin'!

Trigger warning: anxiety/panic attack

Her shaky hands reached out to accept the business card he was holding out for her. When she could finally focus on the small letters to be able to read it she quickly looked up at him with her eyes widen in shock. She didn't say anything; she knew he could see the question there in her eyes. She was grateful when he started to speak to break the tension building until she comprehended his words. "Sharon, I can't see you anymore. I've done what I can for you. That is the name of another respectable doctor I know." To her, his tone was impassive, as if she was just another patient, "I think you are doing great and..."

"Oh...oh ok," she interrupted him because she really didn't need to hear her doctor, well now her ex-doctor, lecturing her on how he couldn't help her anymore. That was a fact that she knew already. Trying to sound calm though she was feeling anything but, she said in a tone that was as flat as the one he used on her, "thank you, Dr. Flynn. I'll be sure to call him if I need to," and she waved the card he had given her back and forth. With that Sharon turned on her heels and hastily made her way out of his office. She continued her quick pace through the reception area keeping on a smile as she passed by the other waiting patients but as soon as the main office doors closed behind her the smile automatically fell off her face. Sharon knew she had just made a fool of herself in front of the first man she had liked in years, many many years. He was most certainly the first person she felt she could open up to about why she was even at a doctor's office. Dr. Flynn had known some of what she had been through and it had been easier to eventually reveal it all. Now he was basically told to leave him alone that he was done with her. As her heart started to race she knew she had to get out of there.

Sharon's eyes took in her surroundings frantically to find a way out of the building. She needed to get home as soon as possible before it got worse and it always got worse. Looking down the hallway towards the elevators she could see a crowd waiting to get on. Sharon quickly scanned the area for the stairs. She had no desire to break down in front of a bunch of strangers or to be in an enclosed space. So she headed away from the buildings busy bank of elevators and took unsteady steps towards the stair doors she had found. With one hand Sharon skimmed her fingertips along the wall, it made her feel a bit anchored as she walked. If she concentrated on the solidness of the wall it helped her mind to know that the world wasn't collapsing in on her. It gave her something else to focus on instead of her increasing pulse and the sharpness of her breathes. Sharon didn't know what she was doing here anyway. She had have known better and she would have if she was in the right frame of mind lately. Therein lied the problem, she hadn't been thinking straight for a while now. Or she would have understood that she had been making a fool out of herself. She hadn't really needed to see a doctor for a few weeks and she knew that he knew why she kept making unnecessary appointments and taking up the good doctors' valuable time.

Though she hadn't been cleared to return to active duty yet. Her body had physically healed since the incident but the LAPD psychologist said she wasn't emotionally prepared to return to the field. It had been three months since... as soon as her thoughts went back to that time Sharon felt her heart begin to rapidly beat harder in her chest. When her knees started to buckle she knew she needed to sit now before she fell. So she slowly let herself sit down on the stairs just as her anxiety hit her hard. Please, not here, not now she pleaded with herself. Sharon took short quick breaths but it was just making it worse, she knew and it was only causing her to panic that much more. She could feel the pressure building in her chest, and her heart was beating so fast it felt as if it would explode if she didn't calm herself down.

Somewhere in her head, her rational thoughts were saying that she was safe now and nothing was going to happen to her but Sharon knew she would be beyond rationality if she didn't stop what was happening. She had a lot of practice these last few months at steadying her breathing and leveling out her heart rate. It didn't always work, especially when she had first gotten home but if she could just get some control of herself and make it to her car, she could deal with it in the privacy of her home, not on the staircase of a professional office building.

Forcing herself to take a couple deep breaths holding them in and letting them out very slowly. As she did this Sharon looked around at her surroundings, taking in the gray narrow stairwell. The space wasn't as bad as an elevator would be, but there were no windows and the air was stale. It reminded her of where she had spent the worst days of her life. Sharon immediately closed her eyes to get the sight of the tight space out of her view but the darkness behind her eyelids was worse. Oh dear God once again she felt like there just no escape. She had thought she could have gotten out of there before she was too far-gone to help herself. Before she was thrown into a complete panic attack. Squeezing her eye closed tighter as if that would stop the memories from surging back. She gripped onto the railing just above her head and laid her face against the pole she was leaning on. Maybe the cool metal would help distract her thoughts. Sharon didn't want to think of that traumatic time at all, not ever again.

Her therapist had warned her over and over if she didn't talk about what happened, let it out, it would slowly absorb her life until she wouldn't be able to function. He explained how suddenly one day something would set off a chain reaction when she least accepted it. Then all the memories she had been suppressing, refusing to let come to the surface would come flooding back. That they would flow into her mind like a dam cracking letting an overwhelming tidal wave of powerful water come forth, drowning her. To break through her own thoughts she said out loud, "Sharon, get a hold of yourself and get up." It was a weak attempt to motivate herself to use her inner courage to slow her breathing and to stand before someone actually found her like this. So she reached back up and with her hand, in a tight grip around the cool metal stair-rail, she managed to pull herself up. Leaning on the bar for some support and after a couple longer deep breathes she forced her shaky legs to move down one step at a time until she finally pushed open the exit door. Sharon had to blink rapidly and shaded her eyes with her hand at the brightness of the LA sun beating down on her as she stood in the doorway.

The feel of the sunshine hitting her face and the warmth of it helped slow down her hyperventilating. Though she still felt light-headed, what she needed was to get home. Sharon had no desire to do this here. She knew if she could at least make it to her car until this passed then she would make it home. She needed solitude. No, actually she knew she needed Rusty. Her youngest son was the one that always seems to bring her out of her episodes when they got to where they were encompassing her. Sharon was sure there was a lot of guilt on Rusty's part, though none of what happened to her was his fault at all. But now he was overly concerned and was being overly protective. She only got to go alone to this appointment today because Rusty had finals and well, she didn't actually tell him she was going out. Sharon was feeling smothered lately by Rusty, Andrea, Gavin and her team.

Surprisingly to her, she had finally convinced Emily and Ricky to go home just last week and get on with their lives. Sharon explained to them that they couldn't put their world on hold to sit and watch their mom do nothing all day. She was fine and her children had jobs and commitments of their own that they needed to take care of. Though she liked having all three of her kids at home, they had been with her too long and she was sure it was because they were a bit afraid to leave her. She was grateful to have her kids with her but after months of them babying her, she had banned them from entering her bedroom at least. It was the one place she could escape to when she needed to be left alone. Though the nights were always the hardest for her, she didn't foresee that changing anytime soon. It was just something else she would have to deal with and get on with her life the best she could. Like everything else that had that effect on her, she put into the back of her mind. Sharon's biggest worry was that it was becoming a very crowded space back there with all things she tried to forget about, but really couldn't.

As she had been thinking she had also been taking small baby steps towards her car. Sharon reached in her purse for her keys as she approached closer to her parking spot. Having to stop every few steps to take a deep breath to try and calm herself she was making slow progress to completing her escape. Maybe, just maybe she makes it. If she didn't let her mind drift away from focusing on how each little steps was getting her closer to her car and her way to get out of here before embarrassing herself even more. If she concentrated on each movement then there was no room in her mixed up jumbled mind of hers to be over-thinking on other topics. Sharon refused to let invade her thoughts anymore.

Taking another deep breath in through her mouth then slowly releasing it through her nose, Sharon took another small step. She could do this one even with what she felt like was inept steps at a time, one task at a time that was her new motto in life for the last few months. It was the only way for her not to get too overwhelmed. A few steps later she leaned on a pole in the parking lot to finally found her keys. It gave her an excuse to stop; Sharon was hoping she only looked like a silly female searching for her keys lost in her purse. When in all actuality what she really was doing was a person trying to get control of her anxiety before it got control of her. Right now she barely had a grip on her breathing and her heart felt like it was beating out of her chest.

Sharon continued to take slow breaths so she didn't pass out from this panic attack she was refusing to admit she was having. Gripping her keys tightly, she took the last few steps to her car. The feel of her keys digging into the palm of her hand kept her mind on the here and now, not the incident that was causing her to act like this. It helped her to think of what a few months ago as an incident and more like a case rather than something that happens to her. Relaxing the hold on her keys Sharon hit the unlock button and the sound brought to her a feeling of relief. It let her know in a few moments she would be sitting in her car and could block out the world.

Opening the door as steadily as she could with her shaky hands, Sharon unceremoniously plopped down into the driver's seat. Reaching out she pulled the door closed and quickly started the car. She knew full well she was in no condition to drive yet but the heat inside the car was unbearable to sit in it without the AC on. After a few minutes, she cranked the cool air up as high as it would go. By the time she was shivering from the cold that surrounded her in the car her breathing was much slower as was her heart rate. Though now her head was hurting from all the quick breathing and the panic that filled her but at least she felt a little more under control. Sharon figured she could safely drive home now. So she took one more deep breath, which was more a cleansing breath than anything else then carefully backed her car out of her parking spot. Feeling accomplished but still miserable as she slipped the gearshift into drive and drove away from her doctor's office, mentally she promised herself she would never ever come back to this place. There was absolutely no way she was seeing Dr. Andrew Flynn ever again.

As Sharon drove she thought how this time was better than when she tried to go shopping on her own before. Her panic attack had hit her so hard that she had to call Andrea to come pick her up. It has taken her friend a good twenty minutes to find her in one of the malls many bathrooms. Sharon hadn't wanted her kids to see her like that. She couldn't fathom on why she thought she could handle a mall at the stage she was in. She had assumed a little shopping would do her good. It was just a chance to get out even if she didn't buy anything but to her way of thinking she would be around people. Sharon figured it was better than being alone but then suddenly there was too many sounds, too many lights, too many voices and too many people. It seemed they were all staring, though most weren't, having recognized her from the news and to Sharon they knew who she was and a lot of what she went through. She had never been comfortable with even her friends knowing too much of her life, let alone complete strangers. She did understand the stares to point for after all it wasn't very often that a LAPD police captain, a female police captain at that, disappears with not much of a trace.

Dr. Andrew Flynn had been standing staring out the window that overlooked the parking lot and surrounding areas since Sharon Raydor basically stormed out of his office as fast as her long sleek legs could take her. He slipped his hands in his pockets as he nervously pondered what he had just done when the woman of his thoughts came into his line of vision. Sharon caught his eye as she was walking, well she was somewhat walking if not a bit wobbly through the rows of cars. Andy could tell she was having a hard time of it and had to stop every few feet to collect herself. His first instincts were to run down there and help her but he knew her well enough already that she was too proud, too stubborn to accept help from anyone, least of him right now. She is very beautiful too. Not that the last part affected the way Sharon acted but it had a great deal of an effect on how he acted.

Andy forced himself to walk away from the window, he knew that she wouldn't want him to see her like that so he sat back down at his desk. He adjusted his glasses and glanced through Sharon's records making sure they were in order for the new doctor, that is if she ever went to one. He knew he couldn't see her anymore. It was better he to do it this way, to make a clean break from it all. Andy had known she wasn't going to take it well but he was doing it for her. Sharon was at the point that she needed to see that she was ready to stand on her own. She didn't need to keep coming back to see him when she was physically healing faster than anyone he had seen.

In doing what he had just done, he didn't think it would be this heartbreaking. It was harder than he expected, to see the sadness in her eyes and to see her run away from him. It was harder still to see a strong independent woman like Sharon to look so devastated or let down by him. Over the time they had known each other they had become friends and now he had just told her he could be there for her. Andy had come to the conclusion weeks ago that he couldn't be Sharon Raydor's doctor anymore once he realized he was completely in love with his beautiful patient. He wasn't too sure it was something either one of them was ready for.

~TBC~