The TOP ALE ATE SHOES OF WHIP In the Winter
The Tirade Of Padfoot About Lily Evans And The Effect She Has On Every Single Old Friend Whose Has Ice-Cold Prongs In the Winter
Not to be confused with "The Ginger Ale Ate Shoes of Whip in the Winter"
Disclaimer: No pueda hacer nada en esta historia.
One day, a long time ago, a boy named James Potter was hanging out with a couple of his best friends.
Sirius Black, Lily Evans, and the aforementioned James Potter were all just talking and laughing.
Then, Lily said she had some homework to do, and she left.
Sirius noticed James staring after her with longing and love in his eyes.
Then, suddenly, Sirius was angry.
Sirius was pissed at James and pissed at Lily.
He started talking.
"Oi! Prongs!"
James started and looked at him.
"Sorry, what?"
"Prongs, you have to get over that girl! She's not good for you!"
James rolled his eyes.
"Pads, you've been telling me that for years, what makes you think I'll give up now?"
"Because, now, you have absolutely no chance with her!"
"What d'you mean? We're friends now, we hang out more than ever, she doesn't hate my guts anymore-"
"Exactly! You're in the FRIEND zone! You can't get out of the friend zone! Even worse, you're BEST friends with her!"
"So?"
"So? SO? So Lily Evans is the WORST best friend a guy, and ESPECIALLY a guy like you, could ever have!"
"How exactly did you come to that conclusion, Padfoot?"
Sirius sighed heavily.
"Look, James. You're best friends with her. And that's all she'll ever let you two be! Best friends! Friends forever! Don't you get it, James? Lily is the worst best friend you could have!"
"I still don't get it. What makes her so bad?"
"Prongs, please, try to understand! Lily's smart and funny and nice and caring and, quite frankly, smokin' hot-"
"Pads! Not helping!"
"-I mean, really, look at those legs! So, honestly, I can see why you'd be in love with her. But, honestly, James, you can't be. Being best friends only makes it worse."
"This way of explanation isn't working, Pad."
Sirius rubbed his temples. "Okay...let's try something else. Alright, you be you and I'll be Lily, okay? Just sit back, relax-"
"I don't like where this is going," said James warily.
"-and try to listen to what I'm saying. Okay, here we go."
Sirius took a deep breath.
"Hi James!" began Sirius in a high, cheery voice that he thought resembled Lily's. "I was just wondering when you-"
"Padfoot," interrupted James, "the voice really doesn't sound like Lily's, and it's getting really distracting."
Sirius rolled his eyes and continued in his normal voice.
"...wondering when you thought the next Hogsmeade weekend should be, blah blah blah, Heads' duties, blah blah blah, boring stuff, blah blah bl-"
"Get to the point, Sirius."
"What's that, James? You want to go out with me? (she blushes prettily, bites her lip, and looks at her toes) Well, the thing is, I don't want to. I know you're not an arrogant toerag anymore-"
"Padfoot," warned James.
"-and I'm really glad we're friends, it's just that...well, that's it, really. We're such great friends, and I don't really feel that way about you. Actually, I do, but I won't admit it, and I won't go out with you because we have such a great friendship and I wouldn't risk that for anything! You're my best friend, and that's why we can't have this relationship."
"Still don't get it, Pads."
"I mean, even though you help me get through everything that's hard in my life and let me cry into your shoulder and do all the lovely caring things a boyfriend would do to his girlfriend, it won't work. Really, I think you'd be a wonderful, not to mention super-hot (to Lily, not to me personally) boyfriend, just to another girl. Because, you know, I, like many girls, always complain about how there aren't enough nice guys out there after dating some jerk, but, of course, I won't date you! You're such a nice guy, and you deserve everything the world can offer, but, James, I'm sorry, I just can't be with you! You'd be a perfect boyfriend...but just to someone else."
"Padfoot, this is not helping me understand, just making me feel bad."
"Plus, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I mean, ew, I couldn't even look you in the eye after that, wow, that would be soo weird. Of course, from what all the other girls in this school say, you'd probably be amazing in bed, but, still, it would be so awkward after having the best sex of my life, because you're my best friend. Seriously, afterwards, what? In the morning, after the passion dies down and I realize what a big mistake that was, I'd avoid you for weeks. Or maybe we'd keep doing it and it would become so casual we'd just discuss all our Heads' matters while shagging on the couch in the Heads' common room-"
"Sirius. Let's move on."
"Right. And, I mean, James, you're such a great guy, you do such wonderful things for me, and you have such remarkable self-control, I mean, honestly! All those times I've gotten drunk with you and the Marauders and all you did was put me to bed and hold my hair when I threw up in the morning and give me coffee and make me feel better when you could've been taking Sirius' advice and having some hot drunken sex with me-"
"Sirius. That was basically just a quick recap of what you've already said. Is that everything you wanted to tell me? I have better stuff to do." ("Like what, Lily?"whispered Sirius). James stood up.
"Wait, wait, James, it's almost over!"
James sighed and sat back down.
"But don't worry, James. You can count on me to be totally unpredictable. I will always be there for you, as a friend, not as what you really want me to be and I really want me to be. I'll always be your best friend. I will be there to reject you and break your heart and tell you to find yourself a nice girl who deserves you, a nice guy, as her boyfriend. And when you do, you can always count on me to be suddenly flirty and affectionate and super-attentive to you, until that nice girl you found dumps you no matter how hard you try to convince her there's nothing going on between us. And we'll both be really sad about it, except for you, you might be a little relieved, and me, because she was ALL wrong for you, not that I was jealous or anything. I wouldn't be jealous. Because you and I, we're just friends. That's all we are.
"Best friends. Friends forever."
"Pads, are you absolutely sure you weren't actually being you and not Lily that whole time?"
"Damnit, James, this isn't a bloody joke! I'm being dead serious here, mate (don't you laugh at "dead serious!"), I really care about you and this girl isn't right for you! You need to move on!"
"Relax, Pads, Lily's not like that."
"Oh, really?" Sirius cocked an eyebrow.
"Yeah, really! She's nothing like that!"
"Are you sure?"
"Positive! Positive like a proton, or the number 1376!"
Sirius smiled mischievously.
"Okay, well, then, if you're so sure, why don't we give Lily a little test?"
It was James who cocked an eyebrow this time.
"What sort of test?"
"I'm going to prove that everything I just said about Lily was true."
James snorted.
"What, think I can't do it?"
"No, I don't think you can."
"Well, fine, then, your challenge is accepted!"
"What? I didn't challenge you! I didn't mean-"
"Oh, look, here comes our dear Lily pad now!"
Sure enough, Lily was returning to the two boys. James gulped and paled a little.
"Sirius, don't do this! I never meant to-" James pleaded.
"Relax, Prongsie, I won't embarrass you, or her. In fact, she won't even realize she's being tested," replied Sirius coolly.
"Sirius, you have to listen to me! Don't be like this, mate, I didn't challenge you!" James was becoming really nervous.
"Yes, you did, and it's too late now to stop me."
"Sirius, please don't-hi, Lily!" James greeted the red head with false cheeriness.
Lily frowned at the two of them.
"What are you two up to?"
Sirius grinned evilly. James' eyes widened.
"Well, James here would like to know if you'd accompany him to Hogsmeade next weekend."