Bring it Full or Bring it Empty
A Hayate the Combat Butler x Bleach Crossover
By
EvilFuzzy9
"Because why the hell not?"
A/N: This fic... This fic is pretty much pure, unadulterated crackfic.
I've kicked around idle notions of writing a fic like this for weeks, but it wasn't until Thanksgiving that my muses suddenly up and decided to strong arm me into writing this. It's not my best or most coherent work, having been typed up while I was going a period of withdrawal from my meds, but it's definitely one of my sillier ones. Honestly, I've neither reason nor excuse for this other than "why not?"
Mostly, this is just an excuse to write the members of Xcution doing whatever crazy shit enters my head. That, and crossover crack-pairings. In fact, it's honestly mostly just for the crossover crack-pairings.
Also, "Bring it full or bring it empty... Whatever you do, just bring it on!" - random-ass quote about fullbring I came up with off the top of my head the other day that served as inspiration for story title, even if it has nothing to do with the actual contents of this fic.
Disclaimer: I'm only doing this once, so there. I DON'T OWN ZILCH. THIS FIC IS A FAN-MADE THINGY. NOW GET OFF MY FRIGGIN' BACK, IMAGINARY MONKEY-LAWYERS! *Shakes fist*
Hayate Ayasaki meets the members of Xcution.
Hilarity ensues.
Chapter Zero:
Pilot
"Crack."
If one were to ask the members of Xcution why the mastermind behind their organization, Kūgo Ginjō, had ever thought this was a good idea, that would be their response.
Crack. Weed. Acid. Alcohol. Some mind altering substance or other. Because the only explanation for it was that Ginjō must have been high as a kite.
Seriously, what had he been thinking?
"Hey, what the hell were you thinking, Ginjō?-!" Riruka demanded, poking the aforementioned Fullbringer in the chest. She had an irritated expression on her face. ... well, more irritated than usual, at any rate.
To be fair to Riruka, she had every right to be irritated with Xcution's official-slash-unofficial leader. After all, if it were not for his latest hare-brained scheme, the two of them would not currently be stuck handcuffed to a telephone pole.
"Don't worry," Ginjō coolly reassured the hot-headed cute-freak to whom he was chained. "This is all a part of my plan."
Riruka glared at him, eyes half-lidded. She was clearly not buying this. "... You really piss me off, you know that?"
Ginjō smiled sardonically. "Yes, I believe you've said this hundreds of times."
"Tch." Riruka looked off to the side. "Whatever..." she grumbled petulantly. "... but still! How did we even end up like this in the first place?-!"
"... ... ... I'm actually not really sure how, myself..." confessed Ginjō.
Riruka sighed. "Well this is just great..." she griped, "Here I am, a perfectly ADORABLE young woman, handcuffed to a telephone pole next to this nasty-looking idiot..."
"Hey, now," Ginjō interjected, "How am I 'nasty-looking'?"
Riruka looked at him like he was an idiot. "Tch! If you have to ask, then there's no point trying to explain it to you!" She said, getting right up in his face as she did so.
"Ah, excuse me..." said a new voice, "... but am I interrupting something?"
Riruka gave a start. "I-it's not what it looks like!-!" she exclaimed, frantically trying to pull away from Ginjō. "Whatever you think is happening, you're wrong! There's no way I'd ever be caught DEAD with someone this creepy!" she insisted, quickly moving away from her fellow Fullbringer.
... or trying to, at any rate. The handcuffs made it kind of difficult to put more than half a foot between her and Ginjō, though. And in her rush she ended up losing her footing and falling down on her rear end. Her skirt fluttered slightly. Her legs were spread apart somewhat awkwardly from the fall, giving the stranger a good, long look up her skirt.
"Ahh," the stranger muttered, half to himself, "What cute panties... I think milady might even have a pair like that..." the last part went unheard by Riruka and Ginjō, however.
Riruka's face flushed violently. Her temples throbbed dangerously. Leaping back up onto her feet, she glared at the stranger, pointing accusingly at him and shouting: "Hey, who do you think you are, looking up my skirt like that, you—!"
She then stopped, her brain finally catching up with her mouth even as her eyes finally registered what she was looking at.
That soft, fluffy blue hair... That strong yet lean build... That outfit... Those deep, soulful blue eyes... And that face... Ye gods, that face...!
'OMIGOD, HE'S A HOTTIE!-!' she thought, once more falling on her ass in shock.
Hayate Ayasaki's eyes widened. "Oh my! Are you okay, miss?" he asked, holding his hand out to the fallen lady.
Riruka, blushing, reluctantly accepted the proffered hand. She murmured something unintelligible as he helped her back onto her feet.
Hayate's ears perked up. "Huh? What was that?"
Riruka, carefully avoiding meeting the concerned gaze of the handsome young man helping her, repeated herself, this time speaking more loudly and firmly. "C-c... Call me... Riruka..." she said softly, her blush deepening and her heart rate skyrocketing.
Ginjō simply sweat-dropped.
"Um... Are you sure you're okay...?" Hayate asked worriedly.
"... please be gentle..." the Magenta-haired lass whimpered, lost in a world of H-doki fantasies.
Hayate blinked. "?"
[Narrio Wakamator: "Elsewhere, at the headquarters of Xcution in Naruki city..."]
Wealthy young heir and avid gamer Yukio frowned as he browsed the online scoreboards for one of his favorite videogames. "Hmm..." he muttered, "That's odd..."
"What is?" asked fellow heir and avid drinker, Giriko Kutsuzawa, from across the room. As was the man's wont, he was standing behind Xcution's private bar, absent-mindedly wiping a glass that was already clean, and had been so for nearly twenty minutes by now.
He did not usually take any interest in Yukio's interests, but he was bored.
"I've been knocked from my place at the top of the online scoreboard for my favorite game..." Yukio replied. He then frowned. "Just who in the world is mangachick3000ftw...?"
[Narrio Wakamator: "At the same time, at Nagi's apartment building..."]
Nagi Sanzen'in, former heiress of the Sanzen'in family, grinned victoriously as she surveyed the online scoreboards for the latest game she had been playing. "Heheheh..." she snickered, "That'll show that invadersmustdie1337 jerk what a REAL gamer is capable of~"
[Narrio Wakamator: "And back at the Xcution headquarters..."]
Yukio's expression darkened. "Well, whoever they are, they're about to learn what a REAL gamer is capable of," he said, his eyes glowing with determination.
Pulling out his PSP, he powered it up and inserted the game his dominance of which was being threatened. Drawing on his spiritual power, he focused on the "soul" of his favorite portable game console, causing the screen to glow a light green as he invoked the power of fullbring to maximize his synergy with his PSP.
Some might say it was cheating to use the power of fullbring to improve his gaming abilities. But Yukio would say that there was nothing wrong with using his natural talents to give himself an edge.
"Invaders Must Die," he muttered.
[Narrio Wakamator: "Meanwhile, in Soul Society..."]
The air was filled with the sound of crackling and rushing as flames engulfed the barracks of the eleventh division.
Yachiru Kusajishi, diminutive pink-haired lieutenant of the eleventh division, stared at the inferno which was currently raging in the dedicated kitchen for the eleventh division, where was located the presently burning remnants of the facilities for preparing the vast quantity of food and booze necessary to fuel the most rambunction division of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. Smelling the acrid odor of badly burnt chocolate cake, and seeing the black smoke pouring from the room, she blinked.
"Oops." Then, after a moment or two of watching the pretty fire consume what little remained of the kitchen and spread to the rest of the barracks, she got bored and wandered off to do something else.
Shūkūro "Shū-chan" Tsukishima, standing on the roof of a building overlooking the place where his partner and one of their pawns were handcuffed to a telephone pole, smiled in amusement as he watched the girl fawn over the newest prospective addition to Xcution (not that she was aware of that, mind you). It was always amusing to watch her swing between tsun-tsun and dere-dere like someone with a bipolar personality disorder. Something he found less amusing, however, was the fact that the person over whom Miss Dokugamine was fawning like a love-sick schoolgirl, on further inspection, looked to be nearly as pretty as himself.
It was a little-known fact, but Tsukishima was immensely proud of his looks. He was well aware that he was one of the bishi-est bishōnen to ever bish, and he was secretly a big enough narcissist to give even the fifth-seat officer of the Eleventh division of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads, Yumichika Ayasegawa, a run for his money (thankfully, the two had never met and -God willing- never would). The thought that anyone could possibly match his pretty boy looks... Well, that was probably his only berserk button.
But that boy down there... That young man and potential Fullbringer whom Ginjō hoped to recruit to their cause...
Tsukishima scowled in spite of himself. Riruka had never acted like that over him...[1]
'What's so great about that fluffy, impoverished-looking bastard, anyways? I mean, aside from that soft, silky blue hair... and that strong yet lean build... and that outfit... and those deep, soulful blue eyes... and that face... Oh, ye gods, that face...!'
Tsukishima blushed in spite of himself. Okay, so maybe he could see why Riruka was so smitten with the fellow... That sexy, gorgeous fellow...
He shivered viscerally. Sitting down to avoid losing his balance and falling off the building, Shūkūro "Shū-chan" Tsukishima quickly lost himself in dirty, H-doki fantasies of a decidedly yaoi leaning.
[1]: Do note that this is not because Tsukishima has any particular feelings for Riruka – it is wholly a matter of pride for him.
A/N: I have no excuse for that last bit with Tsukishima, other than the perverse insistence on the part of my muses that random guys being yaoi for Hayate is funny. That, and the phrase "bishi-est bishōnen to ever bish" was just too damn funny not to use.
That said, I'm doubtful whether I'll do anything more with this. I've got enough on my plate as it is (been stuck on the next chapter of How to Prevent a Coup for friggin' ever, and the next chappie of ONNHc is currently just a half-finished jumble of incomplete, barely-connected scenes, never mind all the RL stuff I should really be dealing with...)
Well, TTFN and R&R!
(seriously, please review. If not this fic, then one of my others. I know it's silly and undignified to ask up front for reviews, but it's ALSO really friggin' hard to motivate my lazy ass slowpoke self to work on my fics when I don't get any feedback on them. ...heck, even when I DO get feedback, it's still damn near impossible to get my ass into gear...)