With a sigh and a few good-natured complaints from Matt and Ron and a few of the other guys whose names he just couldn't remember, Jeff slipped on a hoodie and walked out of the condo Matt had rented for the holiday and into the crisp air that seemed to envelop him right after he walked out the damn door. Chicago's Christmases were so much different than Cameron's and he couldn't help but get a contented smile once he felt the first few flurries of snow begin falling and collecting themselves in his hair.
But there was a difference – a major one – between the weather and the atmosphere at Matt's holiday parties. It was a Hardy tradition to hold one on Christmas Eve, yet unfortunately Matt had to work the next couple of days because of a dumb ass deal USA formed with the company. Instead of breaking their custom for such a stupid reason, Matt had rented out a humble place somewhere off the outskirts of downtown Chicago to share it with some of the guys and girls who didn't have anyone to celebrate the next few days with. Matt especially liked the place he'd chosen because they'd be able to travel to the Allstate Arena for Raw and SmackDown and back in no time.
Jeff knew this party would be special; Matt had invited all the guys and girls they had recently befriended once they returned to the WWE, but that wasn't the problem at all. After all, majority of the new guys he met were nice and his buddies from the past who he'd drifted apart from since his eight year departure from the company had welcomed him back with open arms.
Instead, he couldn't stand the party itself. He couldn't take one more second of watching Matt and Reby coo over their kids or Rollins making Ambrose and Reigns shake their heads and chuckle or Ron and Pamela curling up on the couch while their daughter interacted with Maxel and Wolfie. He couldn't take that new musician guy – Elias, he believed, was his name – singing songs on the spot for Jason nor the mistletoe antics some of the girls were playing on each other as well as on some of the guys. And he hated himself for it, hated the fact he couldn't just suck it up and continue on with the party for however many hours were left until he'd have a good reason to fall asleep. But the holidays were always hard when you were lonely and the blossoming couples and shy acts of love being displayed made him feel like he was losing his own goddamn mind.
And so he walked. He didn't know where exactly he was going – he was just walking off everything; stress, anger, sadness, loneliness...how fitting that he was a bundle of all of these combined and probably a hell of a lot more. Jeff simply let his feet guide him.
He was lucky the snow had just started falling and that the temperatures had just so recently started dropping; he didn't really feel like losing his footing on ice and falling face first into the snow. Not today, at least.
As the snow flurries fell and started claiming different parts of his moving body as their own – his hair, his hands, hell, his fucking eyelashes – he became engrossed in thought. He had so much history in Chicago, so many memories, so many past Christmases and holidays in general. He walked and walked and walked until he began to recognize some of the little humble businesses that made their homes off the side of Chicago. Jeff smiled to himself once he realized where he was heading – a small little café which Phil used to insist on going to any time they could. It was almost like a little piece of the South huddled within Chicago...
And before he knew what he was doing, he began moving faster and faster, the cold around him beginning to sting his cheeks while his feet brought him closer and closer to that stupid café. He didn't know what he wanted...really, he didn't want anything. Anything besides reliving the memories he was so fond of.
He opened the door, its outline covered in dazzling lights. The inside of the café looked warm and inviting, though he couldn't see any people actually inside. He hesitantly looked back at the blinking red "OPEN" sign and turned the handle on the small wooden door that was the café's entrance, walking inside of the building with a little ding emitting from the door. He was instantly bombarded by heat – thank God someone had the fucking heater on – and he sighed, beginning to relax. He saw the outline of a man standing at the counter, facing the opposite direction he was in, engrossed in what looked to be a comic of some sort. Jeff noticed he didn't look up despite the ding sound from the door.
"Um," Jeff said softly, trying to make his presence known as to avoid frightening the guy in front of him. "I'm sorry for disrupting you. I just wanted to come inside. Out there it's so goddamn cold, I'm not used to winters in Chic-" Jeff stopped as the man turned around to face him.
Jeff normally didn't come at a loss for words all that often, but he didn't know what to say. Hell, he didn't even know what to do. Brown eyes looked back at him and Jeff froze as realization began to pool into them as well as the rest of his features. Tattoos made their presences known and then hid themselves again as the man put down the book in front of him and tentatively walked out from behind the counter to Jeff.
It'd been so long, so long since Jeff had last seen him in the actual person, since he'd last been so close to him...he felt like he was about to explode; he could already feel his arms shaking a little and his knees buckling from beneath him. And he would do anything to just run back up to him, to nuzzle his face in the other man's neck and to cry, releasing all the pent up emotions he'd been holding within him since the day he had to leave his lover.
He'd thought of so much he could do, so much he could say and explain and spend hours apologizing for when he'd imagine this exact moment happening, but he couldn't move anything – his feet, his arms, his goddamn mouth.
Jeff still hated himself for bringing up the idea in the first place. For the first few months, he felt he should've listened to what Phil said first; should've stayed in a long distance relationship with him and tried to stay in contact at any time possible, but even then, he knew he wouldn't be able to do it. Long distance relationships rarely worked in general, and ones in their business were almost unheard of. Phil would be traveling the country – hell, the entire world – and Jeff would have to stay behind, moving from Cameron and back to Orlando and back again every once in a while...
Jeff walked into the hotel room and sat down on the edge of the bed. He knew Phil would be coming in soon but he couldn't bring himself to move. It would be one of the few times a month he'd actually get to see him, actually get to feel the other man's arms around him, but he felt like doing nothing. There was too much on his mind and too many things he was concerned about, the most bothersome being the things he heard.
He hated the whispers and the quick glances and the words he knew were being spread with absolutely everything he had. He hated the looks he'd be given, he hated the fact he could look those people only out of the corner of his eye without feeling shameful. And it was so fucking ironic, too, because he was supposed to be the poster child for not caring about dumb shit like that, but he couldn't bring himself to stop worrying.
While Jeff was engrossed in thought, Phil walked into the room, coming to a stop when he saw Jeff sitting on the bed, staring at his hands.
"Jeff? What's wrong?" Phil questioned, eyebrows furrowed.
Jeff sighed. "I can't do it anymore, Phil."
"What the fuck are you talking about?" He asked, walking over and wrapping his arm around Jeff's shoulders. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"
"I know, I know...but I can't, Phil," he said, his voice cracking. "I can't stand...fuck. We have to...we have to split."
Phil looked at him, dumbfounded. "What?"
"I can't do this. I can't continue doing this dumb ass cycle. I can't see you only once or twice a month and then just watch you fucking walk away. And I know you've put your heart and soul into the company and that you're doing everything you can and I'm so proud of you and I can't expect you to give that up for anyone. And I don't want you to, either." He paused and tried to collect himself, feeling comforted by the circles Phil was tracing on his back to calm him as Phil's other arm was wrapped loosely around his waist. And while they laid there like that as Jeff tries to collect himself, Jeff realized – Phil's arms, his embrace, was his home, for he never felt better or more secure anywhere else. But sometimes, you have to fly away from the nest. And that's exactly what he was planning on doing.
"And I want you to be happy. I know you don't like being tied down and that's exactly what I'm doing to you. I'm keeping you from doing the things you want because you feel like you have to make that extra call in the morning and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry for making you worry about my past and the people around me and you do it all out of love and..." He felt his eyes beginning to get all watery and he hated that he couldn't be strong, couldn't be strong when he was letting Phil free. "And I hate how they talk about me and say that I'm just a junkie and that you deserve so much better because they're right. Goddammit, Phil, they're so, so right. You deserve so much better. You deserve to be free."
"But Jeff-"
"Shh." Jeff smiled softly. "No buts. Phil, I'm letting you go. I'm letting you be free. You've deserved it for so long and I've been holding you down for much too long. You don't have to worry about me anymore. And before you do it, don't tell me any bullshit about how you won't be able to get over it, because I know you will. You have before and I know you can do it again. You're strong, Phil. So strong." He grabbed the other man's hand and squeezed it reassuringly.
Phil looked at him, studied him for a little while, scrutinizing his features as if looking for any doubt. Yet he couldn't find any. Jeff looked so damn sincere and everything and it broke him to see him like that. It broke him to see just how fucking selfless the man in front of him was, and he knew that whatever he did, he wouldn't ever be able to change that.
"If it makes you happy," Phil said softly, "then I'll do it." He paused. "I'll never stop loving you, you know."
Jeff placed a soft, gentle kiss on Phil's lips, a sad smile on his face. "You hated me before. I know you could do it again." He sighed. "Trust me, it's not that difficult." And with that, he walked out of the room.
He had never felt so guilty in his entire life. The days, weeks, months, hell, fucking years after he left Phil, he'd never been so goddamn sorry. And though it sounded horrible, he wished that at the time, he had been more selfish. He wished day after day that they could've just worked something out and that he could've just stayed in Phil's arms, blocking out all the other bullshit. But it was them versus the world, and the world was pretty fucking relentless.
He stayed put, his feet seemingly nailed to the ground, though his limbs were shaking and his eyes were tearing up. And he couldn't handle it when Phil took a step closer hesitantly, almost as if he thought if he came too close, Jeff would run off, out the wooden door and back into the cold that seemed to be beckoning him.
"Phil..." he whispered, and he could feel his voice cracking and his hands slightly shaking. "Phil, please don't wake me up."
The man in front of him looked confused, and through his tears he couldn't help but smile at his furrowed brow and cocked head.
"It's been so long since I...since I've had a dream so real. So vivid." He took a breath, trying to regain his composure but at this point, he couldn't stop the tears from falling. "It's like I can just reach out and touch you. I haven't had a dream like that in such a long time..." He paused, getting a thoughtful look. "But I know I can't. Or else you'll disappear and I'll wake up and I'll still be crying and I can't do that. I'm so tired of doing that." He sighed and looked up at the man that was standing so fucking close to him. "I'm tired of getting these dreams where I'm so close to you but I don't get to explain myself. Good God, Phil, whether you're real or not, I'm so sorry. I am so goddamn sorry. I've needed to tell you that-" he gulped - "for so long. Goddamn, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry," he repeated over and over, his voice getting smaller and smaller as Phil took a few tentative steps to him.
And Phil stepped closer and closer and somewhere in between steps that felt like lifetimes, he slid down to his knees and looked up at Jeff.
Jeff couldn't do anything but tremble. He knew what was coming.
Jeff sighed, rising out of bed and throwing his legs over the mattress, resting his head in the palm of his hand and thinking. All he'd asked for was to go to that stupid party Matt was hosting, just to talk and catch up with people he'd been separated from for so long. Phil had adamantly refused, coming up with some bullshit excuse about bad influences or something, though Jeff promised he'd stay by his side the entire night if that's what he wanted. Jeff had grumbled something and decided he didn't want to go if Phil wasn't with him.
He saw Phil approaching and didn't move nor greet him, much to Phil's own dismay. It was so unlike Jeff to ignore him, but he had a certain idea he felt would work. He walked over to Jeff and lowered himself to his knees, looking up at Jeff, who looked at Phil like he'd just grown another head.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Jeff asked with a glare, noticing the mischievous glint in his lover's eyes.
"Shh," Phil said, gently raising his hand to interlock his fingers with Jeff's. "I know you're pissed about that party, but I wanted you to know that I didn't want you to go because I worry about you. I care about you so much and I...I don't know, to be honest. I just want you safe."
Jeff's glare softened. "The guys wouldn't do anything to put me in harm's way, babe. And you could've been there the whole time if you liked."
Phil nodded. "I know. I just...feel uneasy around them. I can't even fucking describe it. But I do know I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you ever got hurt." He paused, smiling a bit. "But I'm really sorry. I know it must've been important to you, and I'm sorry I ruined that." He took Jeff's hand in his and slowly kissed his knuckles. "I love you."
"I love you more," Jeff said, smiling. Good God, did Phil love that smile. "And I forgive you, too. You just have to stop worrying so much about everything."
Phil slowly raised himself to his feet and sat besides Jeff, placing his hand on Jeff's thigh and making swirling designs as Jeff lay his head on his shoulder.
"Phil?"
"Mhm?"
"When and why did you come up with that kneeling shit in the first place?" Jeff asked, turning his gaze to fixate on his lover's eyes.
Phil smiled. "Just right now. Seemed like something I needed to do. You just have no idea how lucky I am."
Jeff raised an eyebrow. "Why's that?"
Phil knew it was sappy and cheesy and cliché, but he couldn't help it. "'Cause I get to be sitting right here-" he raised Jeff's chin and smiled softly when he felt him lean into his touch - "looking at you."
"Jeff..." Phil said. Looking at him like that, just trembling, broke him. He wanted to reach out, to hold him and never let go, but he needed this first. "Jeff, look at me. It's okay."
Jeff looked down, right into his eyes. It was strange – in most dreams, Phil's eyes were dull and dark, but now, they were so welcoming, so real looking...and fuck, he smelled like him, too. Like the vanilla scented shit Phil was so fond of. Jeff clutched his eyes shut and took a deep breath. "Don't wake me up. Don't wake me up." He repeated the phrase over and over like a mantra of a sorts until he opened his eyes again to see Phil still standing there, still so goddamn close, still at his feet, just kneeling there.
"I swear on my life that I'm real. This isn't a dream. This is real life. And I'd do anything to prove it to you," Phil said, and he could almost feel his eyes starting to burn. Goddammit, he thought. Not now. Please not now.
"Anything?" Jeff asked softly.
"Anything at all."
Jeff seemed to be weighing his options until he slowly lowered himself to Phil's level and seemed to propel himself into Phil's arms.
Phil could feel the hot tears all over him, and he knew they weren't only for Jeff. He wrapped one arm around Jeff's waist as the other man nestled himself in the crook of Phil's neck, bringing the other to one of Jeff's shoulders and rubbing carefully, almost doodling with his finger with random strokes. He continued to make the relaxing pattern as Jeff's sobs slowly dialed down, his face slowly escaping Phil's neck, looking at him with a newfound gleam in his eyes that shone right through the tears still escaping him. Phil leaned forward and kissed the ones that fell, which seemed to soothe the trembling man in front of him.
"I've never been more sorry in my entire life," Phil confessed, continuing to trace patterns onto Jeff's back. "I shouldn't have let you go so fucking easily. You were thinking with your heart and I know that's what makes you who you are, but sometimes you have to be selfish. Sometimes you have to be greedy. And you weren't, and I doubt you ever will be. I took advantage of that and let you go. I let you leave. You have no idea how sorry I am." He sighed, searching into the forests that laid behind Jeff's eyes. He knew he couldn't look too long because the hues of green that danced along with Jeff's emotions were his weakness.
Jeff looked shocked. "You're apologizing to me?" he asked, his accent getting thicker as he spoke faster and faster, his voice cracking. "Phil, I've never been more sorry in my entire life. For...for anything. I was – goddamn, I am – such a fucking idiot for doing that to you. To us." He let out a sigh. "You shouldn't be sorry, you know. I let you free. You deserved someone better." He looked down, a flush of shame on his cheeks. His gaze was brought back up, however, when Phil brought his hand to his chin and slowly lifted his face.
"Jeff," he said softly, "do you remember what I told you before you left?"
"Of course," Jeff replied. "But it was a spur of the moment thing. You felt you needed to say it; you didn't actually me-"
"Shh. Stop with this bullshit. I meant what I said then and I still do," Phil said plainly, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He didn't get to wait for a reaction, though, before he found Jeff's lips attached to his. He missed the feeling so goddamn much; Jeff felt like the most obtainable heaven he could reach and he wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. He felt fire pulsing through his veins as Jeff wrapped his arms around his neck while his hands came to rest in the back pockets of Jeff's jeans. If it was his choice, he would've stayed there for forever, but time – and a need for air – separated the two. Jeff rested his forehead against Phil's, his breath mingling with the other man's, and for the first time in a long while, he smiled that dazzling ass smile of his; it was the reason Phil had first fallen for him.
"I've missed you," Jeff said, "so fucking much."
Phil smiled – it was impossible to resist doing so, seeing Jeff looking back at him with small snowflakes still making their homes in his hair and a few dotting his eyelashes, his gorgeous green eyes staring out from them. He resisted the urge to kiss him again, but a ding came from the door and they tried their best to scramble away from each other as a customer walked into the café, Phil walking back to the counter and Jeff turning to face the window, where outside the snow was now falling heavily.
She seemed to notice their disheveled appearances but took nothing of it, ordering some type of coffee. Phil raised his eyebrows at the request but turned around to make it nevertheless. Once finished, he handed it to her, an amused look on his face. "Don't worry about paying, it's on the house. Christmas spirit and shit, you know." He grinned. "But of all things to order, you chose coffee at-" he glanced at the clock hanging near the door - "seven at night on Christmas Eve?" he asked.
She smirked. "Oh, well, you know, I have nothing better to do. I mean, I wanted to see at least someone remotely attractive before the holidays." At this, Jeff turned around, looking at her questioningly. Phil couldn't help but notice Jeff's shocked expression once the woman began batting her eyelashes and handed him a small piece of paper with a few digits written on it. "Call me," she said with a grin and promptly walked out the door.
Once she was gone, Phil made his way out from behind the counter and walked up to Jeff, whose expression was unreadable as the woman walked into her car and drove away. "Guess you found yourself a new girlfriend," Jeff murmured, keeping his focus on the snow falling.
"Nah," he said, smirking. "I think I've found someone else. Someone better. Even hotter, too."
"Don't tell me another customer's coming up here," Jeff said.
"Oh, no," Phil said. "You see, I've known them for awhile, and they feel so guilty about something they've done so long ago and I think they should just move on because hey, they're right in front of me right now and that's all I think matters. And they're really hot, and they swear they hate the cold. And when they said they didn't want to disturb me when they first walked in here, I thought it was pretty fucking sweet."
Jeff blushed, raising an eyebrow. "Really?"
"Yeah," Phil said, reaching to some mistletoe that was on display and grabbing it. "I think...I think they shouldn't leave, either, because the snow seems to be picking up and I wouldn't want them going anywhere else." He held the mistletoe above their heads. "Oh look," he said innocently, glancing up, and Jeff did the same. Phil kissed him again. There wasn't anything better than the way Jeff's lips moved against his or the sweet way he tasted or the way he was left breathless yet full of the sweetest air possible. And once they so unfortunately broke apart – and how they both hated that they had to – Phil rose his hand and caressed Jeff's cheek, sighing when the other man leaned into his touch.
"Jeff," he said, "I love you."
Jeff smiled at him, his gaze focusing on the way his brown eyes seemed to gleam. "I love you, too."
And as the snow kept falling faster and harder and time went on as they kissed, the two of them cocooned in each other's warmth and taste, they both realized they wouldn't have it any other way.