It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can't believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to feel the beat...
REGINA SPEKTOR
When Mr Darcy arrived with his friend at Longbourn the day after his second proposal, he was disappointed to find that the one woman he wished to see was noticeably absent.
All the ladies returned to their seats and Mrs Bennet turned to Bingley, "Your visit was most unexpected sir! You'll have to excuse the absence of my Lizzie, she has this morning received some long overdue letters from the house of Collins and has disappeared to the gardens to read them. I am sure she will join us in time, but of course you only came to visit Jane."
"Mama," Jane said hesitantly, but Bingley just smiled at her as though he hadn't heard.
Mrs Bennet watched as he took a seat beside his betrothed and cast her eyes darkly over Mr Darcy even as he turned towards the window. He tried to appear as though he weren't searching for her, but he couldn't help the furtive glances up the trails, and Bingley caught his eye. He cast his mind back to the day before.
It had been Elizabeth's suggestion to keep the news quiet for a few days more, to let Jane and Bingley have the spotlight for a while longer. However, he did suspect that Elizabeth had suggested it at least partially due to fear of telling her parents, and for that he could not fault her. They had agreed each to tell only one person, and judging by Jane's concerned glances between him, Bingley and her mother, she could be in no doubt of her sister's feelings. Bingley nodded slightly and he tried to suppress a sigh.
Five minutes of awkward silence punctuated by Mrs Bennet's nattering slowly dragged on. Mr Bingley and Jane felt ill at ease to be talking freely in the company of her mother, and her sisters did not know at what length they could talk. Besides which, Mr Darcy was silent as a statue, and so Mrs Bennet continued, oblivious to the uncomfortable quiet around her. Three more minutes stretched by before he rolled his eyes away from the window and grimaced at the family.
"I must continue with the day's errands, and as I see Mr Bingley to be quite settled here for the morning, I believe I may excuse myself to complete them alone."
"Come now, Darcy, I can–"
"No, my friend, you are perfectly content here, and I have much to do." He turned and bowed his head to Mrs Bennet, "Thank you for your hospitality."
He then turned and walked stiffly out of the room, Jane's eyes following him pityingly, while Mrs Bennet's looked only to him in mild annoyance. He opened the door and wandered down the lane towards his horse. When he had steadied himself on the saddle, he dug his heels into the horse's side gently, and it began to move slowly in the direction of town, via the edge of the Longbourn property. He was lost in thought, and did not truly intend to reach town before Charles, so he took a moment to look around, to take in the gardens. The few brief walks he had embarked on in the area had always been accompanied by Miss Bennet, and he acknowledged that his attention was usually completely enthralled by her.
As he meandered down the lane, he passed a huge tree and lost sight of the building he was leaving behind. It was behind this tree that Elizabeth Bennet could be found, sitting on a bench beside it, obscured from the view of the house.
He dismounted, "Miss Bennet?"
She looked up, startled, and clutched a letter to her chest, "Oh! Mr Darcy."
"I'm sorry, I did not mean to frighten you. I thought you must have heard my horse?"
"Yes! No… I… I was lost in thought…" She said softly, and it was then that he noticed the redness around her eyes.
"Miss Bennet, are you well?" The memory of the last time he'd asked her such a question flashed briefly across his mind, and he swallowed, worried.
"Uhm… I…" She paused for a long moment and put a hand to her forehead.
"If it is a personal matter, Miss Bennet, something you do not wish to discuss, I can leave you–"
"No," she said softly, "Please, I… I would very much like to be able to discuss personal matters with you, Mr Darcy."
"And I would very much like to listen." He replied, and she nodded, suddenly unable to speak. He tied his horse to a low hanging branch of the tree and sat down beside her on the bench, "What is it, Miss Bennet?"
Her eyes filled with fresh tears, "My good friend, Charlotte Lucas, Charlotte Collins…has died."
"Miss Bennet, I am truly sorry!" Mr Darcy said with feeling, "What can I do?"
She smiled sadly as the tears began to form pools beneath her chin, "I fear there is nothing to do but grieve. And I must tell my family."
Darcy pulled a clean handkerchief from his pocket and offered it to her. She took it and thanked him, and began dabbing at her eyes.
"Would you prefer that I tell your family, if it is too painful to discuss?" He offered.
"No, thank you, that is very kind, but this is news that I must share."
"Do you… Are you aware of what happened?" Darcy asked carefully.
"Yes." She whispered.
"Would you feel comfortable telling me?"
"She wrote to me, some weeks ago, to tell me she was with child," She paused, a guilty look crossing her face, "I tried to be happy for her, but I could not fathom a happy childhood for a creature under the care of Mr Collins, no matter the capabilities of my friend. I responded as kindly as I could, but I fear she knew of my true feelings… I have never been very capable of hiding my emotions from Charlotte. That was the last letter she received from me before she…"
"Oh, Miss Bennet…" Darcy did not know what to say.
Lizzie smiled bitterly, "Jane would be so disappointed."
"I am certain that is not true," Darcy responded, but she shook her head, frustrated.
"The letter I wrote… it was not becoming of me, and not indicative of the friendship we have maintained our entire lives. I was not direct in my rudeness, but there is certainly a dearth of consideration."
"Miss Bennet," Darcy said sympathetically, and she sighed.
"She had not responded for a long time, and when I obtained two letters this morning, I was anxious to read them and respond more sympathetically than I had to the last. The first was inconsequential, obviously sent before she received my last. The second… it acknowledged my feelings but asked that I be happy for her all the same. She… She mentioned that she was feeling ill, but she was sure it was nothing. I was confused at first, to find a letter from Mr Collins stuffed in the envelope, but upon finishing Charlotte's letter…" It was at this point that Elizabeth Bennet dissolved into tears and covered her face with her hands, "I am so sorry Mr Darcy, I am not a convivial host of your attentions today."
"That is of no consequence, Miss Bennet," He reached out and pried her hands from her face, holding them gently between them, "What did Mr Collins have to say?"
"Mr Collins… He wrote to tell me that my friend had collapsed on a walk to a dinner with Lady Catherine. He made it clear that it was an inconvenience for her Ladyship, but despite this, her personal physician was called… and that despite her Ladyship's impressive condescension my friend perished, due to 'birthing complications'. Mr Collins regretted to inform me that his wife and son died under such inopportune circumstances," Her voice dripped with fury as she repeated Mr Collins' words and Mr Darcy shook his head in anger.
"Miss Bennet, I am so sorry. I want to help as much as I can, may I do anything for your present relief – I can send you back to Longbourn on my horse if you wish?"
"I thank you, Mr Darcy, but I wish to stay here for some time longer. I believe I must regain my composure before I can face my mother today."
"I believe you must have long been desiring my absence–"
"Not at all!" Elizabeth looked up for the first time that day and found his brown eyes staring at her in worry. She shook her head, "Would you mind, if it is not too much trouble, staying with me for a few minutes more? I do not wish to be alone."
"Of course, Miss Bennet."
She closed her eyes and focussed on getting her breathing under control, and Mr Darcy leaned in closer and kissed her hand. She sobbed quietly, "I should apologise for being so fretful in your company Mr Darcy, I do not wish to be."
"No, no, Miss Bennet, your friend of many years has passed, you do not have to apologise. In fact, I would appreciate it very much if you never apologised for sharing your emotions with me. My greatest wish is that you never feel you have anything to hide where I am concerned. I do not want to be a person that you fear, Miss Bennet."
She squeezed his hands tighter, but did not open her eyes, "Thank you," she breathed.
"You are more than welcome, Miss Bennet."
They sat that way in prolonged silence, but it was not one of discomfort as the one in the sitting room had been earlier that morning; it was a silence of comfortability, a silence of mutual agreement to just be.
Mr Darcy watched her face as they sat, watched the breath leave her lungs in little bursts of fog against the cold air, and tried to imagine mornings spent this way under happier circumstances.
"Lizzie?" Someone called through the hedgerow, and they dropped their hands, and Mr Darcy stood up and folded his arms behind his back. Jane emerged and stopped suddenly when she saw the two of them, "Oh! I am so sorry; would you like me to come back?"
"No, Jane!" Lizzie gasped, "Please stay, Mr Darcy was just staying to make sure I was well."
"Oh Lizzie, you have been crying, whatever is the matter?" Jane cried, kneeling down beside her sister. Lizzie picked up the letters from her side and handed them to Jane. Jane paced unhurriedly as she read them, finally finishing Mr Collins' letter as tears formed in her eyes.
"Oh, poor Charlotte! Poor Sir William Lucas! Poor Mr Collins!"
"Poor Mr Collins?" Elizabeth said bitterly, and Jane gave her a meaningful look.
"Lizzie, however much you did not like Mr Collins, he has still lost his wife and child, and I am sure he feels the loss as keenly as you do for your friend."
"Of course. I am just… I will never get to see my friend again," Elizabeth said emotionally.
Jane looked at Mr Darcy, who was hovering, seemingly trying to decide whether to scoop Elizabeth into his arms or stay stock still in the presence of her most beloved sister. He was wringing his hands behind his back, and she sighed, "Mama sent me to find you. We have an engagement with Aunt Phillips – her dinner party, do you recall? Mr Darcy and Charles and his sisters will be attending also. She wishes us to be ready soon. I am sure if we tell her of the circumstances of your letters, she will excuse us."
Elizabeth shook her head fervently, "No, I would like to go."
"You would?" Jane and Mr Darcy asked in unison.
"I need to distract myself from my woes, and dinner with my aunt is a good way to do so."
"Are you sure, Miss Bennet?" Darcy looked apprehensive.
"Yes. Yes, I will go, and we will tell Mama tomorrow, when I have had some time to come to terms with this terrible news." She said, feeling the lump in her throat rising anew.
"If that is what you believe is best." Jane offered her a hand and Elizabeth took it, rising from the bench and taking a deep breath.
Jane nodded at Mr Darcy, "Thank you, for taking care of her. Charles has gone into town, I am sure you can meet him there. We will see you at dinner this evening."
He bowed and looked to Lizzie, "I will be there, Miss Bennet."
He turned and began to untie his horse, when Jane reappeared by his shoulder. He glanced around but Lizzie had evidently headed back toward the warmth of the house. Jane looked apprehensive, and she was glancing the same way, watching for some sign that Elizabeth was moving away from them. Satisfied that her sister was no longer within earshot, she readjusted her gaze to her future brother-in-law.
"Mr Darcy, I am sure I do not have to explain to you that my sister is upset. However, I believe it is important for you to understand the extent of her distress. Elizabeth has been friends with Charlotte since they were children – they were like sisters, almost as close as Lizzie and I. Perhaps more, in some ways. She has never suffered such a devastating loss, and I am unsure how to proceed, because she is unsure how to proceed. I am concerned that her behaviour may be somewhat erratic in the next few days, and weeks, and I would like some assurance that you will not… abandon my beloved sister, in her time of need."
Mr Darcy nodded, "I respect your concerns, but I can promise you that I will not remove my proposal, nor will I run from Miss Bennet, simply due to some uncharacteristic conduct. I have been in love with your sister for a long time, and I intend to be the person she has grown to love, not the man she used to despise. If she requires anything from me, I will do it, without hesitation."
Jane nodded and smiled, her worries abated, at least for the moment, and excused herself to return to the house and tend to Elizabeth.
Darcy mounted his horse and began toward town with haste, aiming to catch up with his friend, but his mind was elsewhere; all he was occupied with was the sadness etched on his betrothed's face, and how he could soften it.