Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.
Author's Note: Hello old friends, it has been a very long time! So yes, here I am, your neighborhood problematic fave posting a one-shot versus updating one of the many stories that are in hella need for some TLC. But inspiration struck, and I wanted to write a character study (I guess that's what this would be called, ja feel?) about Zoe. This is set before the nude scandal was exposed and I hope everyone likes it! Some trigger warnings ahead, so be careful babes and as always, reviews are not only welcomed but encouraged!
"What I've learned is so vital. More than just survival, this is my revival." - Revival, Selena Gomez.
Graveyards were meant for the living. Or at least, that's what she thought. Logically it was meant for those left behind to have peace that their love ones were safe, resting, undisturbed and able to be visited in someway or another. For Zoe, her body was her graveyard. It was a reminder of who she once had been: a great actress. A stone cold bitch, and while she'd been insecure, she'd faked confidence with the best of them. Now, all she could do was act; act like she was okay, act like she wasn't falling apart by the seams, and act like she was fooling everyone - herself included.
She looked at her locker mirror, her makeup perfect and her bow secured on her head. Healing. That's what they said when she'd won the trial, it would begin a healing process. Looking at herself, she could see the lie in the words. Healing - "It'll get better, Zoe. I promise, it get's better." The words felt so fake. Lies built on lies, and for what? So she'd have hope. Something she never had.
West Drive was all she'd had, as sad as it was. She acted her whole life, and West Drive had been like her home - not even a home away from home. Everyone had treated her like a burden, and deep down, she knew she'd been one. Her pills would have been overlooked if she'd been a little humble during her time on set.
She had been the diva right from the get-go and everyone had instantly despised her. Sure, she was an amazing actress, but it wasn't enough to compensate for the fact that she was always the most demanding, bitchiest person in the room.
How many assistants and interns had quit because of her alone?
She knew deep down they loved having the excuse to get her off the show, and her compensation? Her secret would be safe with them.
:+:
She could see Zig watching her as she pretended to listen to Lola's story about some guy she liked. Her mind was where Zig sat by the stairwell next to Grace Cardinal who was typing away on her computer. Zoe had made it clear to Zig weeks ago that whatever they had was done.
Zoe had liked Zig so much, and yet, he too saw her as a victim and it made her want to scream and cry, to make Neil and Luke pay for what they done worse than what they'd gotten.
Zig had been so good and supportive, and the moment she'd done something he'd shut her down because "she wasn't ready" and "didn't have to prove anything" - what the hell did he know, anyway?! She had taken that photo because she wanted to. She was in control to be as sexy as she wanted, and if she wanted to show him her naked breasts she would! She was ready. Right?
Sometimes that question lingered.
Was she really ready, or was she trying to prove to herself that she was?
Zig wasn't like the guys here. He wasn't squeaky clean and had a past, and a bad one. He'd sold her the pills to begin with, and then he'd saved her life. He wasn't cut and dry. Not all nice, not all bad; he was human. A kid like her, just trying to place it all together.
He understood her, and she understood him - or they had understood each other. Or maybe he did know that deep down she was unsure if she was ready or trying to prove it to everyone that she was.
Looking at him, she could see the worry for her, the compassion and her heart yearned for him.
"Zo!" a voice - Lola's voice, the girl she was supposed to be listening to instead of having a Nicholas Spark's moment with her almost… something - drew her back to reality. Lola nudged her side and shot her a hurt look, her bright, candy pink lips puffed out to a pout and eyes hurt. "Are you ignoring me?"
Zoe instantly sat straighter, her brown eyes wide as she touched Lola's arm. "No, of course not! He was just looking at me and it was making me feel… unsettled. Let's go sit somewhere else and you can tell me all about him."
Lola paused a second, then smiled. "Okay, let's go!" Wrapping her arm around Zoe's, Lola pulled her away from Zig's eyes chatting about Julian again. Zoe turned around for one final look, only to find Zig had turned away to talk to Maya.
:+:
"You're fine. You're healing."
The nightmare had grabbed her by the neck, her breath locked in her throat as she tried to claw at it's grip and wake up.
Neil and Luke were around her, laughing and grabbing her.
"You like this, don't you, Hollywood?" Luke said, laughing as he touched her private part, his hand squeezing and if she could, she'd have screamed from the pain alone.
"NO!" She tried to scream. She tried to move, but couldn't. She was paralyzed and forced to watch them. Her heart raced, her mind shook, but her body remained still. "LET GO OF ME! LET ME GO! LET! ME! GO!"
She woke up to her mother shaking her and a panic attack, her crying seemed to echo throughout the apartment as her mom petted her head. "It's okay, baby, it's over now."
Over… Zoe thought bitterly, hours later when she settled back into the covers to try and get some rest before school. It would never be over. That was the harsh truth of the world.
They were gone. The night was over. But her mind…
It would never be over. Not until her mind rested a night without seeing them, without remembering. When her skin felt clean - that was when it'd be over!
:+:
Her skin always felt grimy.
She couldn't explain it to people - not that she tried. Soap did nothing to soothe the itching, the need to peel herself and remove the tainted flesh.
The night was clear in her mind as she sat curled in her bed, homework forgotten and discarded to the side. She didn't dare shut her eyes, though keeping them open didn't help either.
Nothing helped.
Nothing made it better.
She wanted to die.
Her phone was in her hand before she could register it and what awoken her from her trance was the confused and timid "Hello?" at the end of the line.
Zoe blinked once, then twice, and then again for good measure. Her throat was dry, her mind blink. What could she say? She didn't have anything prepared, but she couldn't hang up.
"Zoe," the voice repeated. "Hello? Are you there?"
"I know it's late," she said apologetically after a quick clearing of her throat, then she cringed. "Actually… I know you probably don't want to talk to me, but… I need -"
They patiently waited for her to finish and Zoe sighed, "Can we meet up somewhere? Anywhere?"
:+:
Meeting at school of all places was weird, but it was common ground and the picnic tables were community property. Zoe sat there, waiting, and finally she saw her.
Frankie, the little freshman - her first actual friend.
The two had an odd friendship to say the least. Zoe pushed Frankie around, and Frankie followed with raised, but loyal brows. The two had gone along well until the court trial. The betrayal had sunk into Zoe's skin as she watched Frankie, tears and conflict in her eyes, admit her testament. It had nearly cost her her justice, and Frankie, dumb and naive as ever, hadn't even truly understood the damage she had caused.
Zoe felt disgusted by what she'd done with power cheer, but it was over and done with. She and Frankie hadn't talked - hell, Frankie barely even glanced her way, though it wasn't out of cold vindictiveness, it was out of hurt and betrayal. They'd been good friends, and they both had hurt one another. One on accident, and one on purpose.
Frankie looked at Zoe hesitantly, she could see what everyone could see when they really looked at Zoe - what they could see when they really looked at her: pain, confusion, betrayal. So young, so broken, it's what brought them together, right? That understanding of the pain they both knew so well?
"Zoe," Frankie whispered and the older girl began to cry.
:+:
They sat out there for hours, laying on the grass talking about everything. Zoe's pain, Frankie's pain, and normal teenage stuff.
Normal… That word had always been foreign to Zoe. In her world, normal was boring. Normal didn't get you parts, earn you fame and fortune. Normal was forgotten, but now she savored it like fine wine. She was normal here with a girl she had considered her best friend, she felt like herself.
It was scary, she realized. Sixteen and didn't know a single thing about herself. She didn't know what she wanted, who she wanted to be, all she knew was that she wanted to be better - whatever that meant.
Zoe looked at Frankie, their hands tangled in an amicable hold, anchoring each other, letting the other know they were there. Nothing between them was forgotten and it was far from healed, but it was forgiven and scabbed over.
:+:
She woke up to her alarm, the buzzer shooting through her like cold ice. Gasping, she saw the sun was peaking through her curtains and she looked around confused.
She slept through the night? How long had it been since she done that?
Glancing around her room, a shaky breath caught at her throat.
It wasn't a lot, but it was enough. Just enough.