Another Thank You, Heavenly Christmas

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

Sparky decides to give back to the community and signs up for a program designed to keep an elderly person company around the holidays. Meanwhile, RK tries to get back a valuable possession that belonged to Jaylynn's mother.

1. Another TYH Christmas Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 6

EPISODE 11

Airdate: December 10, 2017

"Another Thank You, Heavenly Christmas"

Special Guest Stars: Ed O'Neill as Raymond "Ray" McDaniels

#TYH612

SCENE 1

Pacific Place

Interior Santa's Workshop

Seattle, Washington

Fade in. The episode opens up with the kids taking a holiday picture together. They all have big, toothy smiles while wearing matching red and green sweaters.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay, say cheese!

KIDS: Cheeeeeese!

PHOTOGRAPHER: Now, that's what I call Christmas!

The picture is then taken. Cut to the kids groaning outside the mall and removing their sweaters.

WADE: I better be dead before I ever take another picture like that.

SPARKY: Guys, I know this was a lot to ask for, but my grandma lives for stuff like this. She doesn't own that many pictures of us anyway. Besides, we look kinda cute.

RK: Kinda cute? Dude, we look like we should be on The Goldbergs. I have never been so humiliated in my life.

JAYLYNN: Uh...

RK: I know exactly what you're going to say, and yeah, I've never been so humiliated in my life.

WADE: Let's just go home. I want to forget this day ever happened.

SPARKY: Okay, let me just use the bathroom across the street. You guys can wait in the car.

Sparky walks across the street and at that point, the guys are approached by an employee for the Salvation Army.

EMPLOYEE: Excuse me, but would any of you be interested in donating? With every dollar, we send canned goods to starving children in Ethiopia.

BUSTER: Ethiopia? Do they even know it's Christmas?

WADE: Here's five dollars.

JAYLYNN: I have two.

Wade and Jaylynn give the employee their money.

RK: I left my wallet at home, sorry.

Beat.

RK: You can go now.

SCENE 2

Dunkin' Donuts

Interior Dining Area

Seattle, Washington

Sparky walks out of the bathroom and zips up his jacket while whistling "Christmas in Hollis" by Run-D.M.C. He is about to leave when he ends up overhearing the TV behind him.

REPORTER: And that's another year that Randy Wilkerson manages to go above and beyond in helping others during the holidays. Randy, you've been a fixture on our news station for the past five Decembers. How do you do it?

RANDY: Well, Andrea, it's not really for the appreciation, it's more for the feeling I get helping people out. See, my dad used to run a homeless shelter when I was younger so I kinda took an influence from him. It's just a way that I can take a second to give something back to the community.

SPARKY: Wow. That guy's a real inspiration. Maybe I should give something back.

Cut to the Salvation Army guy knocking on Sparky's car with his bell. The kids look noticeably bored. RK takes out his phone and begins calling someone.

EMPLOYEE: Hey! Are you going to donate more money or what? Beat. Every dollar helps!

RK: Yeah, I'd like to report a suspicious character near the Pacific Place mall. Yeah, I'm 95% sure he has a gun.

SCENE 3

Northgate Community Center

Interior Sign-up Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky is in an office with a middle-aged man filling out some forms.

SPARKY: Okay, that should be it. I'm ready to do my part.

MAN: Yeah, yeah, Christmas and shit. Look, I need to be a straight shooter with you here. You know, ask the hard questions so I'm not being played.

SPARKY: Oh yeah, fire away.

MAN: First off, do you have a criminal record?

SPARKY: No, not at all.

MAN: Ever shot someone, stabbed them on the street for bus change?

SPARKY: Not that I know of, no.

MAN: Great. Now, can your elderly person trust you? Do you have trauma from any previous incidents involving elderly people?

SPARKY: No.

MAN: Do you have any recurring issues with drugs or alcohol?

SPARKY: You do realize I'm ten years old, right?

MAN: Just making sure. Okay, Sparky, you are officially part of our Outreach to the Elderly Holiday Program. The person you're assigned to is Raymond McDaniels. He's a man who hasn't left his house since 2012.

SPARKY: Oh my God, why?

MAN: Apparently, he thought his neighborhood was getting less safe. Plus, he got laid off for months and he decided to retire so he didn't have to go anywhere.

SPARKY: That sounds terrible.

MAN: Yeah, it's a real tear jerker, gets more annoying to tell every year. Look, for your safety, just know that old Raymond's a wackjob. We only keep him in the program because it gives him something to do over the holidays. If he tries biting you, blow this whistle.

The man tosses Sparky a whistle.

SPARKY: Does this help alert the cops?

MAN: No, but if you blow it, he'll get scared and he won't try biting you again.

Beat.

SPARKY: I'm not going to get killed, am I?

SCENE 4

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The next day, Jaylynn is taking out several boxes in her closet as RK watches her.

JAYLYNN: You know, RK, I think cleaning up will be good for me. I have a good feeling about Christmas too.

RK: What makes you say that?

JAYLYNN: I don't know, but if I keep telling myself that, it'll probably happen.

RK: I don't get why we have to clean up every year though. We're just going to trash the place a week later.

JAYLYNN: I don't know, but if it wasn't for Sparky, I probably would never go through this stuff. I'm enough of a lazy f*** as it is.

RK: Yeah, I hear ya. RK's eyes widen as he goes inside one of the boxes and takes out a baseball. Hey, what's this?

JAYLYNN: Oh, just a baseball.

RK: Wait a minute. A signature from Sammy Sosa? The Sammy Sosa? The guy who nearly stole the heart of the sports world many years ago?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I guess.

RK: Dude, this is the John Hancock of one of the greatest baseball players ever. This is huge!

JAYLYNN: Really? Eh, I don't see it that way.

RK: Jaylynn, what's wrong with you? This baseball is a collectible.

JAYLYNN: Please, like my mother ever cared about that stuff. It's just something she held near and dear to her heart.

RK: Oh. So this is your mother's baseball.

JAYLYNN: Yeah. She was a huge Sammy Sosa fan. You know, being from D.R. and all that.

RK: Of course.

JAYLYNN: So what happened was she made it her goal in life to get a ball autographed by Sammy himself. One time, the Cubs came to Seattle and she caught one of his home run balls. The rest is history.

RK: So your mom and Sammy became friends after that and he started giving her free merchandise, like jerseys and trading cards and bubble gum that goes stale after two days?

JAYLYNN: Dude, what the hell are you talking about? She just got the ball signed.

RK: Oh. I thought there was more to the story than that.

JAYLYNN: No, not really. Just this baseball.

RK: A baseball worth about millions of dollars. You know, Jaylynn, I think the best way to honor your mother is to cash in on the ball she collected. The ball that she clearly wanted you to have and keep...so you know, it increases in value and shit.

JAYLYNN: RK, this is one of the only things I have from my mom. I'm not about to sell it because your broke ass is sick of eating Ramen noodles and using ripped up toilet paper.

RK: How do you know it's ripped up though? You don't know. Why did you have to go there?

JAYLYNN: Bottom line, this ball is staying in the box. Caso cerrado, final de la historia, finito.

RK: You do realize the closest I've come to a second language is pig Latin, right?

SCENE 5

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Buster is watching Sparky put on his coat that same day.

BUSTER: You know, you really don't have to do this. You don't even know anything about this guy.

SPARKY: Yes, I do. His name is Ray McDaniels. He retired five years ago, and he hasn't left his house since.

BUSTER: See, there you go. He's a nut job. And what's Ray short for anyway? Raymond? Rachel? Rayna? Raekwon? You don't even know.

SPARKY: Buster, where's all this coming from?

BUSTER: I'm just looking out for you. This guy could be a serial killer or a pedophile or a Nazi in disguise. Listen, could I tell you a personal story?

SPARKY: I guess.

BUSTER: Okay, one time in the forest, a monkey saw some guy drop his coconut cookies on the ground. The guy said, "Look at all this trouble." And the monkey ate the cookies and wanted more. So he went to the local store and asked the clerk, "I want some trouble." The clerk packed a whole bunch of wild dogs in a bag for the monkey. When the monkey opened the bag, the dogs attacked him, scratched his face off, and ate him.

SPARKY: I thought you said this was a personal story!

BUSTER: It was. When I found out what happened to the monkey, my heart broke.

SPARKY: And what's the moral to this story?

Beat.

BUSTER: I think I told you the wrong story.

SPARKY: Look, Buster, I'm going to be fine. What are you so worried about anyway?

BUSTER: Everything. I'm your best friend, Sparky. Do you know how I would feel if something bad happened to you and I didn't do anything to stop it?

SPARKY: Damn, man. I didn't know it was that serious. Look, I'll let you know what's going on so you don't have to worry about me.

BUSTER: Great. Can I stand outside the house with a switchblade too? You know, just so I can hear screaming?

SPARKY: Alright, this conversation is going somewhere I didn't expect it to.

SCENE 6

The McDaniels Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Ray is sitting in his couch watching TV when he hears the doorbell.

RAY: It's open.

The doorknob jiggles, but the door doesn't open.

RAY: I said, it's open! Just come in!

There is an awkward pause as Ray sighs and walks over to the door. He then sees the door is locked, unlocks it, and then opens it to reveal Sparky.

SPARKY: I thought you said the door was open.

RAY: Yeah, sometimes, I forget. Who are you anyway? You're lucky I haven't already called the cops.

SPARKY: Um, I'm Sparky MacDougal? From the Outreach to the Elderly Holiday Program?

RAY: Sparky? What kind of stupid name is that? You're a little boy, not a German shepherd.

SPARKY: I don't know, my mom came up with it. She never explained why she named me that though.

RAY: I bet you probably have brothers named Coober and Spud and Buster, right?

SPARKY: My best friend's name is Buster, actually.

RAY: Wow. The world is a sick, ridiculous place. Come on in. Wipe your feet. Most of the dirt we collect is the dirt we can't even see with the naked eye.

SPARKY: Oh, you're a germaphobe?

RAY: What the hell is that? I swear, this new generation has labels for everything. Why is it that you have to refer to mixed people as biracial? When I was younger, we called you a split decision. If you were upset with that, the only person you could blame is God for putting your parents together.

SPARKY: Ray, how old are you exactly?

RAY: My friends call me Ray. You call me Raymond or Mr. McDaniels.

SPARKY: Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

RAY: It's okay. Just be aware that you and I are far from being on a first-name basis. So, Sparky, why did you sign up for this program?

SPARKY: Well, I wanted to give something back to the community.

RAY: Give something back? What, you wanted to give back ten dollars that you found on the street? Or a T-shirt you borrowed from your friend? Or maybe you wanted to give back AIDS, you sick f***.

SPARKY: Man, what the hell is your problem?!

RAY: Look, my friends all say I have a sick sense of humor. And I'm unapologetic about it, so you're going to become used to it over time.

SPARKY: Mr. McDaniels, you seem to have an issue with...a lot of things. I don't get it. Why did you sign up for the program?

RAY: To get company. Only my friends come over here every now and then, so if I'm going to get taken care of by someone younger, then so be it. Only problem is, instead of sending me a Pamela Anderson or Julia Roberts, they sent me a Timmy Turner.

SPARKY: Yup, they sure did. So Mr. McDaniels, what do you like to do in your spare time?

RAY: I watch TV like a meth addict. Just because I don't leave my house, doesn't mean I don't know what's going on. Like, this alt-right shit they keep talking about. I don't see the big deal. I mean, Trump's an idiot, but we have thugs stealing cars and killing innocent cops on camera, and this is what we're focused on?

Beat.

SPARKY: I come from Polish ancestors myself.

SCENE 7

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn is vacuuming the floor when RK walks in and turns it off.

JAYLYNN: Dude, did you not see me cleaning here?

RK: I did, but then you wouldn't be able to hear me. Look, I was thinking a lot about what you said, and I realized you were right. Your mother's baseball is special and I don't have any right to tell you what you should do with it.

JAYLYNN: Thank you.

RK: You're welcome. Which is why as an early Christmas gift to you, my buddy, I want to clean your baseball.

JAYLYNN: You what?

RK: You know, get it polished and touched up. I know a guy that can give me a deal. You know how Disney keeps taking their old movies and making them look all shiny and HD? I'm doing the same thing, I'm just not taking your money while I do it.

JAYLYNN: You really take me for some kind of idiot, don't you?

RK: Jaylynn, why do you doubt me so much? I'm your friend. I like having you around, I care about you. Would I go out of my way and humble myself to give you this offer if I didn't mean it?

JAYLYNN: I guess not.

RK: Besides, that's a baseball signed by Sammy Sosa himself. Mr. Second Place. You need to show it off with pride, or it doesn't mean much, does it?

JAYLYNN: You know what, RK? I actually see your point. Why am I so scared of the past? I should be able to look at that baseball and remember all the good times I had with my mama, not the bad times.

RK: Exactly. Honestly, Jaylynn, if you get this ball cleaned, you're letting your mother know that her spirit will live on forever.

JAYLYNN: Damn, that's deep, bro. Okay.

Jaylynn walks to the closet, takes out the ball, and tosses it to RK.

JAYLYNN: You can clean the ball. Just make sure nothing gets smudged up. Otherwise, it doesn't mean shit anymore.

RK: I thought you didn't care that the ball was signed.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but my mom did. I want to keep it the same way she did.

RK: Alright, man. Watch out, you're going to get the freshest baseball on the block.

RK runs out of the house and smiles at the baseball, then starts frowning.

RK: You know, maybe I actually should clean this. I mean, what good is selling it if I won't even get half of what I could off it? Besides, this thing means a lot to Jaylynn.

At that point, an angel version of RK appears on his shoulder.

ANGEL RK: RK, don't do it! It's Jaylynn's baseball, you can't be a selfish asshole. Think of the Christmas!

RK: Yeah, I'm kinda already going in that direction. Your presence is a little unnecessary.

ANGEL RK: Oh.

RK: And what the hell do you mean, think of the Christmas? No one's ever used Christmas like that.

ANGEL RK: I teleported from my winter home in Salt Lake City to come here! Don't criticize me!

A devil version of RK appears on his other shoulder, panting and trying to regain his breath.

DEVIL RK: Am I too late to pitch my idea?

RK: Yeah.

DEVIL RK: F***!

The angel and devil RKs disappear in a cloud of dust.

RK: Well, that takes care of that.

RK begins walking away from Jaylynn's house when he gets approached by a masked burglar who runs towards him.

BURGLAR: GIVE ME THIS OR I'LL KILL YOU!

The burglar snatches the ball away from RK.

RK: Hey, what the...

The burglar takes his gun and knocks it against RK's skull, leaving him on the ground. The burglar immediately runs away, but RK is too slow to get up and catch him.

RK: WHO'S PATROLLING THESE NEIGHBORHOODS?!

SCENE 8

The McDaniels Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Ray is talking to Sparky as they sit on opposite chairs.

RAY: So honestly, when I went to the Chuck Berry concert, I didn't expect it. But when you're young, you probably shouldn't mix ecstasy and grape soda.

SPARKY: I really, really think I was the wrong person to tell this story to.

RAY: Hey, that concert made a man out of old Ray. I spent years trying to figure out what life was about after that. Now that I'm old and retired, I realize I don't have to do that anymore. Life is about safety and seclusion, nothing more.

SPARKY: I'm pretty sure there's way more to life than that.

RAY: Kid, no offense, but you've had the lifespan of a fly. You know absolutely nothing about the world. You don't know what it's like to have your mother call you up because blood's oozing from her nose and neither of you know why. Oh, wait, no, she was snorting cocaine. Bad example.

SPARKY: Honestly, Mr. McDaniels, I think you could really make the most out of your final years by going outside.

RAY: My final years? Who have you been talking to, my doctor? I could cut you right now, you freaking prick. Don't play with me like that!

Sparky sighs and buries his face in his hands.

SCENE 9

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK is standing near Wade while Wade looks at something on his phone.

WADE: Okay, so in June 2002, the Chicago Cubs visited the Seattle Mariners for a three-game series. In the June 9 game, Sosa hit a home run off Rafael Soriano.

RK: Then that has to be the game Jaylynn's mom went to! Okay, Wade, I have a plan.

WADE: I don't know if I wanna hear it.

RK: Oh, you'll hear it.

WADE: Alright, I'm listening.

RK: We travel back in time to the June 9 game between the Cubs and Mariners. We buy seats next to Jaylynn's mom, catch the Sosa home run ball, get him to sign it, and bring it back to the present.

WADE: You do realize that if we get our hands on the ball, that erases the timeline where Jaylynn's mom gets it, right? The ball will lose all significance.

RK: Ugh, my plans always have that one self-destruct button.

WADE: Why can't you just tell Jaylynn what happened? I'm pretty sure she'll understand.

RK: Dude, I was this close to selling the ball and giving her half the profits. If I tell her some weird dude ran up out of nowhere just to rob me, she'll think I'm a dirty liar.

WADE: So what's your new plan?

RK: I'm just going to have to milk this for a little bit. That guy knew how valuable the Sosa ball was and wanted the money for himself. So tomorrow, I'm going to find that ball at the local pawn shop and buy it back for Jaylynn.

WADE: Well, good luck, man.

RK: Thank you. And you're helping me get it. I'm not letting some greasy swindler con me out of that ball without backup.

WADE: Even during the holidays, you can't just keep yourself out of some shit, can you?

SCENE 10

The McDaniels Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

The next day, Sparky pulls up to Ray's house. Cut to a shot of his car with Buster in the passenger's seat.

SPARKY: Well, this is his place.

BUSTER: You sure you want me here? I might be a third wheel.

SPARKY: Trust me, Buster, I need you here. This guy's a psychotic nutcase. I'm trying to figure out how to get through to him, but it's like eating a roll of toilet paper.

BUSTER: How is this anything like eating a roll of toilet paper?

SPARKY: I mean, it's tough. You'll throw up doing that.

BUSTER: Yeah, but if you take your time eating it, it could still...

SPARKY: Look, let's not argue the realistic possibility of this. Let's just get this over with.

Sparky and Buster walk up to the front door. Sparky rings the doorbell.

RAY: It's open!

Sparky sighs and tries to open the door, but all he can do is jiggle the knob. Ray audibly groans.

RAY: I have to do everything here?

BUSTER: I thought he said it was open.

SPARKY: I don't know, Buster. I really don't know.

Ray then opens the door.

RAY: Who's this? You're bringing guests? I didn't authorize this.

SPARKY: Don't worry about it. This is my best friend Buster. He's going to help me keep you company today.

BUSTER: Sup?

RAY: Oh, the boy with the unfortunate name. Come on in, have a seat. I was about to watch the badminton tournament on ESPN.

Ray leads Sparky and Buster into the house. Buster takes a look at the place to see anything unusual.

BUSTER: You know, it's really not as creepy as I thought it would be.

SPARKY: Just give it some time, buddy. Okay, Mr. McDaniels, I'm going to use the bathroom. Why don't you and Buster get acquainted?

RAY: You want me to instantly make friends with some kid I've never seen before? What if he's my illegitimate son? I can't deal with that crap.

BUSTER: Sir, my mother's only been with one man her whole life!

Sparky groans and walks upstairs. Buster takes off his coat to reveal a Harry Styles shirt.

RAY: Kid, what the hell are you wearing?

BUSTER: A long-sleeved shirt under my winter coat?

RAY: No, you nimrod, I mean, the shirt itself. Why is there a man on it?

BUSTER: Oh, this is Harry Styles. My friend Sanna knows I'm a One Direction fan so she got me this for my birthday. Honestly, the solo stuff is kinda meh, but I've stuck it out this long, you know?

RAY: Oh. You're one of those...pop lovers, aren't you?

BUSTER: Yeah, what's it to you, old man?

RAY: Well, everything. I mean, what happened to the real singers? The Sinatras, the Rod Stewarts, the Springsteens? Now all I hear about are these rainbow, Domino's sugar boys who never got to feel their own Adam's apple drop.

BUSTER: Does that have anything to do with the Garden of Eden? Because not everybody's religious like that.

RAY: You know, back in my day, we would take people like you and smoke you in poker, make you a joke on the playground and leave you in nothing but your Fruit of the Loom.

BUSTER: You seem to really hate living in the present. I mean, five hours ago, I really liked that Cinnamon Toast Crunch I had for breakfast. But I can't just eat that for the rest of my life. Lunch and dinner wouldn't exist.

RAY: I appreciate your dumb analogy, but honestly, if this generation is producing kids like you, then I'm glad I haven't left my house in five years.

Beat.

BUSTER: You know, I was actually trying to be nice, but you seem to have a lot of problems, so I'm just going to say two things: F*** you and I hope you spend the rest of your Christmases alone.

Buster puts on his coat when Sparky walks down.

SPARKY: Buster, where are you going?

BUSTER: Home. I'm sorry, Sparky, but this guy is the reason why no one cares when old people are left a bloody mess on the street. You dicks and your racism.

Buster leaves the house at that point. Sparky growls in anger.

RAY: What? I think he's just sensitive because I went after his precious boy bands. I mean, they break up every time someone stubs their toe. Sam & Dave wouldn't even address each other by their names, but they still made music. You know why? Because they knew what the people wanted.

SPARKY: Oh, shut the hell up, Ray.

Beat.

RAY: Since when are we on a first-name basis?

SPARKY: Since now! You know, Ray, I just wanted to spend a few days doing something that mattered. You know, helping someone that didn't always have people at their side. But now I see why no one's at your side, 'cause you're a crotchety old bastard that gets off on letting people know how awesome your generation was, even though no one's given a shit about it since it ended!

RAY: You take that back!

*impersonating Ray, with his own imaginary cane and hunched back* SPARKY: Ooh, it was back in nineteen dickety twelve. Rice and stamps were twelve cents, and they beat up nancy boys while wearing dungarees and smoking cigars off...off Honus Wagner baseball cards!

RAY: They were Negro League baseball cards. Those things flew off the shelves, great players.

SPARKY: Honestly, Ray, if all you can do is keep looking back while everyone else is thinking two decades ahead of you, then maybe you shouldn't be alive. I'm getting myself reassigned.

RAY: No! Don't do that. Look, kid, I may have dropped the ball here, but they promise me company every year. And you may irritate the hell out of me, but I'm not going to get anyone better.

SPARKY: At what point in that bullshit statement was I supposed to feel sorry for you?

Sparky goes to the coat rack and gets two of his fingers on his coat.

RAY: Wait! Ah, dammit. What is it going to take for you to stay with me? To give something back to me?

SPARKY: I don't know. You could start by going outside for the first time in five years.

RAY: I'd rather get my jaw wired shut and my leg amputated simultaneously than do that shit.

SPARKY: Well, you're on your own. Have a terrible Christmas.

RAY: Alright, fine. We'll go outside. You want to break me down? You want to bring me to my knees? Fine. But let me tell you something, Sparky, it's an ice cold world out there. I'm only doing this as an obligation, so I can ensure that you hold on to your end of the bargain.

SPARKY: Then let's go. One car ride around the city and back here.

RAY: Great. But we need to make it back before six. That's when I get my MSNBC on.

SPARKY: It sounds creepy as hell when you appropriate slang for yourself. Don't do that again.

SCENE 11

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK is sitting on the couch with a mysterious black box. Wade comes in with a black box of his own.

WADE: Alright, here's the money. I still don't get why I had to put it in a black box though.

RK: To camouflage it. You think just because I got stomped out yesterday, it's never going to happen again? This shit comes in twos.

WADE: You mean, it comes in threes. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't remember you saying anything about getting stomped out.

RK: Do you have more sympathy for me now?

WADE: No.

RK: Then that's not what happened. Look, Wade, you and I have to be focused here. I need to get back Jaylynn's ball using every ounce of my strength. And this money will be the best way to do that.

WADE: So we're going to tell the guy we want to buy the ball, and then talk him down until we get a price we can afford?

RK: Pretty much, yeah. If I know anything about these types, they always try and make you feel guilty for not having more money. So what we do is use reverse psychology. We'll convince him the ball is worthless, then once I get it cleaned and back to Jaylynn, she'll be so moved, she'll probably throw me a parade.

WADE: How much of that do you think will actually happen?

RK: About 54 percent, but I can fill in the blanks later on. Now let's save Christmas.

RK's phone starts ringing at that point.

RK: We can save Christmas after I take this call. RK picks up the phone. RKJ here, what it do?

Wade gives RK an annoyed expression.

RK: Look, I tried, okay? I'm not changing that greeting!

Cut to Buster in the living room of his condo.

BUSTER: RK, could you argue with Wade later? I have a serious problem.

Cut back to RK.

RK: Buster, I already told you. Eating oatmeal raisin cookies is just as healthy as the real thing.

Cut back to Buster.

BUSTER: Not that! I mean, Sparky. He's still with that Ray guy and I'm worried something might happen to him.

Cut back to RK.

RK: Then why don't you go over there and save him?

Cut back to Buster.

BUSTER: That's just it. I don't know if they're there. Sparky said that he's "in the ride with Ray." What does that even mean?

Cut back to RK.

RK: I think it means he's in Ray's car. Come on, man, that's a common street phrase.

Cut back to Buster.

BUSTER: What do you know about the streets?

Cut back to RK.

RK: I know enough about them to know you're not from them.

Cut back to Buster.

BUSTER: So what exactly should I do?

Cut back to RK.

RK: Look, dude, Sparky's a big boy. He can handle himself. If you think something's weird, go deal with it. Meanwhile, some of us have bigger issues. Like trying to buy back a precious baseball that you lost even though it belonged to your friend's dead mother.

BUSTER: It sounds like the whole thing is your fault.

RK: Okay, this talk has already gone south. Happy holidays.

RK ends the call and puts the phone in his pocket.

WADE: I don't think he was really pushing you to tell him about this.

RK: I just wanted him to stay in the loop.

SCENE 12

The McDaniels Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Ray walk back into the house after their car ride.

SPARKY: See, Ray, I told you going outside wouldn't be so bad.

RAY: It's a good thing I left my cell phone here. I still can't believe that poor kid's phone got stolen...and they stabbed him!

SPARKY: Yeah, I saw the exact same thing you did. Well, I guess now, we can relax, check out some TV. You know, see those Christmas specials.

RAY: Christmas specials? Oh no, you're one of those people, aren't you?

SPARKY: Not this again. One of those people?

RAY: Yeah, one of those people who's fixated on the perfect white Christmas. Watching that stupid reindeer prance around even though you have no clue what's going on, putting out milk and cookies for someone that's not even real, and making sure you wake up precisely at 9:32 AM in your PJ's so you can open presents you'll throw away in two months.

SPARKY: That's only been like, 65% of my Christmases.

RAY: Listen, kid, the holidays aren't all they're cracked up to be. In my house, we barely celebrated Christmas. My dad saw it as an opportunity to get off work and watch the game while eating chips off his shirtless stomach.

SPARKY: Doesn't sound so bad.

RAY: My mom was always wild with the eggnog. She got banned from six Christmas parties by the time I was 13, and half the time, she barely got me any presents. One time, I got a cat drawing for a present. Not an actual cat, but a crude drawing of a cat on a piece of paper. What the f*** was I supposed to do with that?

SPARKY: Pretend it's alive? You probably liked cats when you were a kid.

RAY: I was 23 when she gave me that.

SPARKY: Oh. Well, you need to forget about your past for once. Live in the now. There's nothing like the holiday season.

RAY: I used to think that, then I realized I only thought that because other people did. Now, it's like, who cares? One day, we're all going to rot in the ground, but I guess that's okay, because we were able to enjoy a nice Christmas, huh?

SPARKY: In that case, we can just forget about the gingerbread house idea.

RAY: You know, Sparky, I thought I would hate going outside for the first time in five years. But it was okay. It made me realize that staying inside is where I belong. And I got you to show me that.

SPARKY: Well, thanks, Ray. I guess.

RAY: Hey, you want to check out some 60 Minutes? I downloaded episodes from the Carter administration.

SPARKY: Eh, no thanks. I have to get home.

RAY: Alright, suit yourself. But I'm about to gear myself up for one hell of a night.

SPARKY: You enjoy that. See you tomorrow.

Sparky takes his hat and coat and puts them on. He then leaves the house.

SPARKY: I guess there's hope for Ray. Who knows? Maybe we could actually become friends.

SCENE 13

Eddie's Collectibles and Knick-Knacks

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

RK and Wade are standing in front of the pawn shop.

WADE: RK, are you sure the baseball is here?

RK: I'm positive, man. This is the coolest pawn shop in Seattle. If it's not here, then that guy still has it. Now let's save Christmas.

RK and Wade walk into the store and look around at all the collected items.

WADE: This is an interesting set of stuff.

RK: I know, right? It was originally called Eddie's House of Bric-à-Brac, but they changed it 'cause they thought no one would show up. Wade, look! The baseball!

The camera cuts to a shot of the baseball behind Eddie's counter.

RK: I bet that asshole who robbed me was ripped off. That ball's probably worth 100 million.

WADE: Let's just focus on getting it back.

RK and Wade walk up to the register.

EDDIE: What's going on, guys? You have something to sell?

RK: Nah, man, we heard you, uh...have some sporting goods.

EDDIE: That depends. Who wants to know?

RK: Me right here. That Sosa ball's got some mileage on it.

EDDIE: Sure does. I estimate it was signed at least ten years ago.

WADE: What a thorough and spellbinding estimate. I'm impressed.

RK: Yeah, Eddie, the thing is, that baseball's coming home with us.

EDDIE: You guys hit the lottery or something?

RK: No, because that ball's worthless.

EDDIE: Dude, this is an original Sammy Sosa. People would kill their own grandmother just to get their hands on it.

RK: Maybe in 1998, but this is a new era. We're talking guys like Altuve and Harper and Puig. No one really wants some old, dingy ball hit by a guy who came in second place. Now, a Mark McGwire? You're talking business. A Barry Bonds? You could buy two yachts and a private jet. But Sosa? Eh, his time has passed, man.

EDDIE: Wow. I guess I swindled that man for nothing.

WADE: Man? You swindled a man?

EDDIE: Yeah, some guy came in here with the Sosa ball and I told him it was worth $500. Now that you're saying it's worthless, I just wasted all that money.

RK: Well, at least you learned a valuable lesson. Don't treat your customers like they don't matter.

EDDIE: Yeah. You know what? Why don't you guys just take it off my hands?

WADE: That would be great.

RK: Yeah, sure, why not?

RK looks up at the TV near the window of the shop.

RK: Hmmm, I wonder what's the latest scoop in the country.

REPORTER: In sports news, there has been a frenzy of people selling their old baseballs signed by major league legends in cities across the nation. Frankie Mueller, a Cleveland native and longtime Chicago Cubs fan, just recently made $700,000 off a ball that Sammy Sosa hit for a home run in the 2003 National League Championship Series.

At that point, Eddie gives RK and Wade a look of disdain.

RK: You know, in this day and age, how much can we really trust the media?

Cut to RK and Wade leaving the shop.

RK: This is ridiculous. We were so close! How could the TV betray me like this?

WADE: I don't know, but could we talk about how that guy lives in Cleveland yet he's a huge Cubs fan, or the fact that people just so happen to be selling their signed baseballs? Around the same time you're dealing with this? Something's in the water here.

RK: Wade, this is serious! There's no time for an investigation!

WADE: I'm not saying that, but still...it's crazy.

At that point, RK gets another call and takes out his phone.

RK: Oh, shit, it's Jaylynn! I'm dead!

WADE: Don't be intimidated. Just answer everything she asks you with confidence and brevity.

RK picks up the phone.

RK: Hey, man, what's going down?

Cut to Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, RK, I just wanted to know about my mother's baseball. You said you would get it cleaned yesterday and you never came back here.

Cut back to RK.

RK: Oh, right, the baseball. I've been trying to get back to you on that. You see, what had happened was...I was like, 14th in the queue, so the cleaners told me to come back tomorrow night. You know, just to make sure everything was straight.

JAYLYNN: Okay, so I'm getting it back tomorrow.

RK: Yes, absolutely. Tomorrow, the day after today. Beat. Hey, do you watch Winx Club?

JAYLYNN: Okay, bye.

RK: Bon voyage.

RK hangs up the phone and starts to scream.

WADE: You know, you were actually hanging in there up until the Winx Club thing. What was that about?

RK: I was scared, man! I haven't been this scared in weeks! Oh, man, Jaylynn's going to turn me into stew! She, she's gonna...she's gonna slice me up like a watermelon and stuff dirty underwear up my nostrils.

WADE: Look, RK, it's not too late. Just go home and get some rest. But come to my place tomorrow night. I have a plan that can fix this for good.

SCENE 14

The McDaniels Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky walks into the house the next day.

SPARKY: What's up, Ray?

RAY: Hey Sparky, I'm doing a crossword puzzle here. Do you know a seven-letter word for achievement?

SPARKY: Success.

RAY: Ugh, I always hated that word. So much of the same letters mixed up in one.

SPARKY: So what are we doing for our last day?

RAY: Last day?

SPARKY: Yeah, my obligation to you ends today. I only signed up for three days.

RAY: Yeah, but I was hoping that since we were bonding, you could stay a bit longer.

SPARKY: I could, but I'm pretty sure that's against the rules. Besides, tomorrow's Christmas Eve and I have my parents coming over.

RAY: Oh, great. You get to brag about your parents coming since they're still alive.

SPARKY: What's that supposed to mean?

RAY: It means I was supposed to get company for the holidays, and now it has to be cut short?

SPARKY: You knew the rules, Ray.

RAY: What?

SPARKY: I said, you knew the rules. Maybe you forgot them, maybe somebody forgot to call you up, didn't tell ya...there was never anything about cutting it short.

RAY: Don't you try making this my fault. You used me because you wanted to feel good about yourself.

SPARKY: What?

RAY: You don't care about me at all. All you wanted was to be one of those people that did your part for the community. You come here, waste my time for a whole week, and I'm supposed to be grateful because you're so damn special?

SPARKY: I never made you think that. Maybe you just hate yourself so much, you can't appreciate a damn thing anyone does for you!

RAY: You know what? I don't need to hear this from someone who hasn't seen what I've seen, done what I've done. I was this close to getting my foot blown off in Vietnam. You're not a name to me. You are who I thought you were.

SPARKY: I'm what?

RAY: You are who I thought you were, and I let you off the hook. Now get the f*** out of my house.

SPARKY: Fine. I hope you drop dead before 2018 comes in. Have a nice life, you old, decrepit bastard.

Sparky slams the door at that point.

SCENE 15

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Wade is forging Sammy Sosa's signature on a baseball while RK watches him.

RK: Wade, are you sure this is going to work?

WADE: I'm positive. Usually, I don't support forgery, but I actually want you to see the rest of your life. Okay, it's done. Feast your eyes on it. Have the lightest touch.

RK lightly grips the baseball and smiles, then squints his eyes to get a closer look.

RK: Wade, this says...this says "Sammy Sopa."

WADE: What?

Wade grabs the baseball. Cut to a shot of a "Sammy Sopa" signature.

WADE: Dammit. This is not the time for me to start screwing up. I guess I'll just have to start over.

RK: Just forget it, man. I give up. I'm never going to trick Jaylynn into thinking this is her mother's ball.

WADE: Yeah, but if you don't try anything, she'll kill you. Is that really what you want?

RK: I don't care. I was selfish anyway. Cut to a shot of Jaylynn outside RK's front door, eavesdropping on the conversation. All I was thinking about was how much money I could make off that damn ball. But if it had just stayed in the box, none of this would have happened. This is going to be hard. This is going to be painful. But if I just tell Jaylynn the truth, maybe she'll forgive me some day.

Jaylynn's expression becomes one of rage and she immediately walks away from the house. Cut back to RK and Wade.

WADE: RK, I have to say, I wasn't expecting this from you.

RK: Well, it's the holidays. It took years for Jaylynn to warm up to Christmas again, and now it's all gone to hell.

WADE: Do you want to go talk to her now?

RK: In an hour. I want to say my final goodbyes to Earl before I get my casket picked out.

SCENE 16

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Buster are in the living room talking to each other that night.

BUSTER: Cheer up, man. You tried your best. At the end of the day, that's what really matters.

SPARKY: Oh, please. This isn't a sitcom, Buster. I blew it. I lashed out at an old man and now he's gonna hate me forever.

BUSTER: But you have a great heart. Just because one guy didn't see it, doesn't mean you're a bad person.

SPARKY: Yeah, but it does mean I'm an opportunist. I tried to do something nice for my community, but it was just me wanting credit for something I didn't deserve.

BUSTER: Well, not everybody can be like Rusty Wilkinson.

SPARKY: His name's Randy Wilkerson.

BUSTER: I don't think it matters at this point.

Bitch Clock walks in the room at that point.

BITCH CLOCK: Wow, the vibe in here is depressing. Come on, guys, it's Christmas. What's the problem?

SPARKY: It's December 23rd.

BITCH CLOCK: Look, either way, Applebee's is coming out with two for one margaritas so I'm set for the rest of the year.

BUSTER: Sparky tried being friends with this old guy for a bit. It didn't work out.

BITCH CLOCK: Well, maybe he was a dick.

SPARKY: He was, but he did hold up a mirror to who I really am. I'll never forget the name, Ray McDaniels.

BITCH CLOCK: Wait, the Ray McDaniels? The weirdo that lives a half hour from here?

SPARKY: Yeah.

BITCH CLOCK: Man, Ray is one of the most trifling, low down, pieces of shit that I've ever met.

BUSTER: You actually know the guy?

BITCH CLOCK: Of course. That man's a menace. He's taken girlfriends from me, he's cost me job opportunities, and if it wasn't for him, I would still be cool with Ned Vincent.

SPARKY: Ned Vincent?

BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, it was years ago. You had to be there. Ray turned us against each other and now I can't see a commercial for Chili's without thinking about the days where old Neddy and I would split some baby back, baby back, baby back ribs.

Beat.

BUSTER: Dude, how old are you? Were you a lab experiment gone horribly wrong?

The doorbell rings at that point.

SPARKY: Wonder who this is.

Sparky walks up to the door and opens it to reveal Ray.

SPARKY: Oh, f***.

RAY: Listen, Sparky, I just came here to apologize.

SPARKY: How did you even find my address?

RAY: I called up Northgate and they said you lived here. You really think your generation is the only one that's mastered modern technology? Wait, Bitch Clock?

BITCH CLOCK: Don't even acknowledge me, you son of a bitch. Ned and I were best friends before you came along!

RAY: Ned's hated you for years. When are you going to get the hint?

BITCH CLOCK: When he doesn't have you say it for him!

SPARKY: Could we get some privacy?

BITCH CLOCK: Sure. I don't wanna be around this schmuck anyway.

Bitch Clock and Buster begin walking upstairs.

*to Buster* BITCH CLOCK: And you. The nerve of you calling me a lab experiment.

BUSTER: I still don't know what you are!

RAY: Geez. You're actually friends with that dumbass drunk?

SPARKY: He lives with me. It's a long story, but Ray, why are you apologizing? I thought I was who you thought I was.

RAY: I thought that too, but I think I was just sensitive that you were using me as some kind of tax write-off.

SPARKY: I'm ten years old, I don't pay taxes.

RAY: Well, you have to be affording this mansion somehow. Look, the point is, I chose to stay inside for five years because I thought the world was starting to eat itself. But you made me see that I was throwing out the baby with the bath water. Look at me. I drove here with no hesitation. You got under my skin, kid, and that's something only my son can do.

SPARKY: You never told me you had a son.

RAY: He's a disappointment, I don't like talking about him.

SPARKY: Oh. Well, I'm glad you learned something. Truth is, I did like hanging out with you. I wouldn't put up with you like I did just to score some brownie points. It doesn't make sense.

RAY: I understand. You really do have a good heart. Make sure you keep it.

SPARKY: Thanks. You know, if you want, you could spend Christmas with my family.

RAY: That sounds horribly clichéd and awkward. I'm not doing that.

SPARKY: Yeah, I was just throwing it out there, I don't know why. But maybe I'll see you around.

RAY: Yeah, maybe. Happy holidays.

SPARKY: You too.

Ray waves goodbye and closes the front door.

SPARKY: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm never seeing him again.

SCENE 17

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn is watching TV when RK walks in.

RK: Jaylynn, we need to talk.

JAYLYNN: Oh, about the baseball?

RK: The what? Oh yeah, baseball. Well, the Houston Astros are champions of baseball now.

JAYLYNN: Dude, I already know everything. That's why the first thing I asked you was about the baseball!

RK: You sure you just didn't want to have a rousing discussion about how nurturing your farm system can lead to long-term success?

JAYLYNN: RK, why didn't you just tell me what happened?

RK: Because I didn't think you would believe me. I know how much that ball meant to you and your mother, so I tried to fix it before it was too late.

JAYLYNN: Well, I'm mad because you tried selling it, but then it got stolen so I guess I can't blame you for that.

RK: Honestly, Jaylynn, after I left here, I did want to get the ball cleaned. But I couldn't even do that right.

JAYLYNN: You don't have to worry about the baseball anymore.

RK: Why not? I just ruined this Christmas, your next Christmas, and every Christmas from now until you're gasping for air in a shoebox.

Jaylynn pulls the baseball out of her pocket.

RK: Holy shit! How did you get it back?

JAYLYNN: I went down to Eddie's. I threatened him with a lawsuit for trying to take something that meant a lot to my mom and for tricking idiots into giving him things they know nothing about.

RK: Wow, shots fired. So what are you gonna do with the ball now?

JAYLYNN: Well, I'm going to find a special place to put it. That way, I can remember my mother every day when I see it.

RK: That's great. Look, Jaylynn, I'm sorry I put you through all this. I should have just left that ball alone.

JAYLYNN: Hey, if it wasn't for you, I would have never realized how much dust this ball was collecting by being in that box. So I guess this all worked out.

RK: It did. Merry Christmas Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: You too, buddy. Come here.

Jaylynn extends her arms for a hug and RK comes in for it while she chuckles.

*while hugging RK* JAYLYNN: But if you ever try pulling this shit with me again, I'll cut your ears off and feed them to your cat. You understand me?

RK: Yes, ma'am.

SCENE 18

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

It is snowing lightly on Christmas Day. Cut to a shot of the house inside, where the kids and their parents are all together. Wade gives Buster a present.

WADE: Here you go, Buster. I think I outdid myself this year.

BUSTER: Oh boy, what could it be?

Buster frantically opens the wrapping paper, only to find a copy of The War of the Worlds in the box.

BUSTER: Hey, this isn't NBA 2K18 or Super Mario Odyssey. What the hell, man?

WADE: Dude, that's one of my all-time favorite books. I wanted to share it with you so you could have something fun to read over the holidays.

BUSTER: Wade, I'm starting to get the feeling you hate me.

SPARKY: You know, Mom and Dad, I'm glad we invited everyone over this year. It feels more like a big family gathering.

MR. MACDOUGAL: Well, we're friends with the parents too, Sparky. That's what the holidays are about.

MRS. MACDOUGAL: Yeah, there's nothing better than seeing you guys every year. I just wish it could be more times a year.

SPARKY: I mean, you guys could call more.

MR. MACDOUGAL: We could call more?!

RK: Hey Jaylynn, I still feel bad about what happened, so I decided to get you a real Christmas gift.

JAYLYNN: Oh, that's sweet, RK, but you didn't have to. We're cool now.

RK: Yeah, but you know me. Always have to take it one step further. Check it out.

JAYLYNN: Alright.

Jaylynn opens the present to reveal a 7-inch vinyl record of Paramore's "Ignorance" single.

JAYLYNN: Oh my God. Is this...

RK: Yup, a 7-inch of "Ignorance" by Paramore. It took some doing, but I thought you would really like it.

JAYLYNN: Dude, this is one of my all-time favorite songs. And it's signed?!

RK: Yup, but only four members though. I tried asking the band on Twitter why Josh never signed it, and all I got were fans telling me not to worry about it.

JAYLYNN: This is the best present I've ever gotten! Thank you!

Jaylynn hugs RK, who looks at Wade and they trade big smiles. Buster looks visibly confused.

BUSTER: Wade, what are you looking at? Beat. Can I trade this book with someone else?

SCENE 19

The MacDougal Household

Interior Sparky's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

At night, Sparky whistles "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" by Andy Williams as he prepares his covers for bedtime.

BITCH CLOCK: Well, you seem to be in a good mood.

SPARKY: Why wouldn't I be? This was a great Christmas.

BITCH CLOCK: Well, yeah, but that Ray bastard is probably still in your head.

SPARKY: No, not really. I just hope he had a good holiday too.

BITCH CLOCK: I hope his house catches on fire, destroying everything inside.

SPARKY: Dude...

BITCH CLOCK: Ned Vincent, Sparky. Ned...Vincent.

SCENE 20

The MacDougal Household

Interior Sparky's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

In the middle of the night, Sparky is tossing and turning in his sleep.

SPARKY: No, no. Stop it. What are you doing? No.

Cut to a look into Sparky's dream, where there are quick cuts of bombs, burning buildings, the ball in Times Square stopping in the middle of its movement, people running for dear life, Ike's collapsing to the ground, and RK, Wade, and Jaylynn dressed as waiters while smiling at RK's door. At that point, Sparky wakes up and tries to catch his breath.

SPARKY: Wait, why was Jaylynn wearing a mustache? Does this mean anything?

Beat.

SPARKY: Eh, I don't have time for this.

Sparky sighs and goes back to sleep. At that point, the following caption appears on the screen: "To be continued...," followed by another one that says "Or is it?" After a few seconds, one last, smaller caption in parentheses appears beneath both that says, "No, it's not. We're sorry." Fade to black.

("8 Days of Christmas" by Destiny's Child plays over the end credits)

©2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL, A GOOD NIGHT