Sweet Jade and Hella John
Chapter 1: The Gateway to Madness
Beginning AN:
Early in 2012, I posted a fanventure (that was moved to the "Artbound" folder due to a lack of suggestions or even comments) on the MS Paint Adventures forums with the exact same title as this. A while later, I retroactively decided to make it an official part of the SBIG series rather than a completely unrelated stand-alone title, although as this takes place in a different multiverse from most of SBIG (something I'm confirming right now... but you might want to kind of take notes on the exact words I'm using), it didn't really mean much. Back then, all they had in common was that they were intentionally poorly written. Now, as of posting this chapter the MSPA forums have been down for over a year, but the mirror to the comic still survives last time I checked. (It's ID number 588 for those that don't want to use the search feature and instead just toy with URLs.) The thing was a daily-updating, MS Paint drawn comic done closer to the style of Homestuck itself than the rest of SBIG is, and...
It sucked.
It sucked hard.
The story had no idea what the hell it was trying to do. I was just spitballing everything from the beginning, the fic wasn't very planned out because I just thought I was going to be using dumb suggestions to carry it through. Once the suggestions died down, I tried to string it along together, and that led to me doing the one thing I keep doing, which is to give it a full-blown storyline that tried to be consistent. That, it succeeded in, at the cost that there was really no humor, but nothing to really get excited about writing-wise either. It was long, complicated, had a woven story... and almost nothing else. It also looked ugly and stuff. That's just not the kind of thing I'd like doing with SBIG. While SBIG fics are meant to kind of have stories, they're also not even remotely meant to be taken seriously, with the half-assedness being part of the humor. And that doesn't really apply here.
Also there were too many incest jokes.
I have many of the same issues with Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals, although not to nearly as big of an extent. I will officially say that the original webcomic is non-canon to SBIG lore, and that this replaces that one when it comes to... well, lore. The original SJAHJ was technically the fourth installment, so... I guess I'm also calling this the "fourth" much like how the redone Great Typo Cleanup stuff still hasn't changed their numbering. I'd like to not do that, anyway.
I had toyed with the idea of remaking the webcomic, first by touching up little things, then by rebuilding it from scratch, and then... I just kind of lost the effort to actually go and "draw" up stuff (a lot of the comic was copy-paste and crude scribbles), so here's a text-only remake for your "enjoyment!"
Also, the same copy-paste disclaimer explaining what "SBIG" means, if you've read this before in another installment you can skip it.
Welcome to SBIG! This is a series of purposefully badly done stories that care very little with making sense or trying to add any emotional impact. Or... that's the intent. This is sort of like a bad attempt at comedy. Now, two things I try to avoid with this when comparing the installments to other fics done bad on purpose. One is making them unreadable (but this... admittedly wasn't always a major focus of mine). Two is that this isn't going to get... too disgusting. Well, it might in some stories, but it won't rely on grossout factors as an entertainment value, and even the ones that do teeter into uncomfortable territory won't be trying to really 'outdo' other fics that do this. The only thing I try to trump myself in is the plot's stupidity. Not how hard it is to read it, and not how disgusted (or infuriated for that matter) you will be by it.
It was a bright and beautiful day as the Sun was gleaming and the birds were singing and ambient guitar music was playing. Why ambient guitar music? Because this is in Arlen, Texas, much like King of the Hill's location!
We'll focus on a weird house. This looked like the other homes in the neighborhood, except that there was something else sticking from it. A giant white tower, of other houses, I mean house-like things. Because this was a different house that was built on top of another house. And the house on the bottom was John's.
As the caemra went past the Arlen water tower, then a billboard to the band "The Gigantic Asses," which I'll elaborate more on later. In addition to that, there was also Strickland Propane and a Wal-mart (Maybe Mega-Lo Mart? Eh I want this to be more realistic). But then there's just focus on John's house for now.
Within it, he had just gotten up and was prepared to get out and explore the world for whatever following adventure would happen! But then he got to the door, found it unlocked, but tried to open it and he couldn't. There was something blocking it.
"Dammit!" He said." Something is blocking my door!"
Knowing that his adventuring won't stop now, even after being... I guess yo ucould say, Homestuck, he charged his shoulder towards the door and successfully broke it down...
It fell back in to the room, revealing the thing behind it was a statue of a Jane with a raised middle finger.
Oh.
That was just part of their 'prank-offs.'
Still, this is gonna eat up his adventuring time! He needs to explore and shit!
John shouted "JAAAAAANE!" To the heavens, and let's cut above to Jade.
Jade was in the other house waking up at2:00 PM above, getting out of bed to look at the window. She was also ass-naked, because she's disgusting in this AU and doesn't wear pajamas, so she's sweaty and hairy as hell.
John pestered her and she groaned after yawning and generally being a pain in this ass in this AU.
- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 2:14 PM -
GG: ugh what? :/
EB: i'm trapped in my house!
GG: oh
GG: jump out the window
EB: i mean my room.
GG: oh
GG: well still jump out the window :P
EB: jane's pulling her increasingly leathal pranks
EB: did you just wake up?
GG: yeah
GG: hold on im still naked
GG: normally id tell you to wait for me to get dressed but its you so ill come ASAP
EB: please don't come asap.
EB: take time to get dressed.
GG: take time?
GG: okay can i just sit on my ass with cheetos then?
GG: no answer good ill take that as a yes
- gardenGnostic [GG] has left the conversation -
EB: jade, wait!
EB: you didn't even give me the time!
EB: dammit fuck.
Dammit now he's stuck.
This happens a lot, between them. I guess thaqt is the relationship between:
Sweet Jade and Hella John
Chapter 1: The Gateway to Ma-
Oh ASS there's already a title at the top! How did that get there?
Anyway, let's cut over to some others that aren't stuck in their homes. Like Rose. Rose is not trapped.
She was out in a forest close by Arlen kind of just nitting (she nits, right? And Kanaya sows?)
She got a call Pester from Dave:
- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 2:29 PM -
TG: hey
TG: so theres a new valentines release coming out
TG: you in?
TT: WHITCH ONE.
TT: I MUST know dudge because there's so many movies.
TT: Inform me on the library of collaged books transformed in to films of presumably epic length and
TG: you know the movie
TG: THAT one
TG: the one i dont feel like discussing much because
TG: you know
TG: jade kind of ruined the promotional material
TG: *sigh*
TG: she just
TG: ruins everything
TT: I think you said enough about Jade already.
TG: yeah youre right
TG: this is supposed to be a nice day
TG: where we you know
TG: enjoy ourselves
TG: just us and maybe roxy or dirk or jane or even jake or john
TG: but i know whats on johns mind all the time
TT: You still shouldn't not talk about her
TG: i know
TT: A little obsessive.
TG: yeah id rather be psychoanalyzed by you than listen to her mock my family and my life any longer
TG: because you know
TG: rough life
TT: So let's do that!
TG: wait shit what did i just agree to
This went on for a while.
Anyway, Rose finished this by digging to Dave's brain (again, I mean what?) and that was boring.
Some trolls were walking aroundi nthe sunlight. They were able to do this because Earth's sun wasn't fucking hot like Alternia's. Nepeta and Kanaya were actually these trolls - and they went to the John/Jade hybrid house. Kanaya is diurnal and Nepeta is awake in the day because... well, we'll get to that. (I fucking hate saying "well we'll" it's like the same word twice but the second one has an apostrophe.)
Nepeta kncoked on the door and Jane answered.
"Hi!" She said. "Um, my furrend here, named Kanaya, knew about a 'Jade' that lived here? She... arranged this visit between her and Jade because they're online friends, and I have my own reasons for being here that are a little more... 'classified.'"
Jane laughed. "I have John trapped in his room because of my super strength but I guess that prank has been going on long enough."
"Are your pranks always like that?"
"Not until recently. We've been escalating since the start of the new year, and are planned to keep going until our birthday in April."
"So four months?"
"Three and a half. We started this year, and planned to dial it back the next years but keep escalating until April 13th."
"...Weird. You realize that by giving away your birthday like that, someone can steal your identity?" Asked Nepeta.
"Well, I-"
"I could have your credit cards. ...Just kidding! So, where's John?"
"In his room... do you know him?"
"No - he doesn't know me, but I kind of knew about him from Kanaya."
- grimAuxiliatrix began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] at 2:34 PM -
GA: Hello Jade
GG: my bestest friend ever is trapped
GG: shits serious open with something flashier than 'Hello Jade'
GG: ew now i just remembered whe i hate caps
GG: because of those sticked keys and shit
GG: urgh my finger is dirty now
GG: fuhggin mountain dew ;)
GA: How Well Do You Keep Your Electronics Anyway
GG: not well
GG: i mean just about everything is only hanging on by like a fucking thread here
GG: urgheuuugh
GG: again
GG: dont ever drink MD by the computer
GG: urgh i did it again fuck my shift keys!
GG: maybe i should just use caps lock
GG: but thats fucking tedious...
So Kanaya was making her way up some staircase at the side of John's house to get to the entrance of Jade's house. That, by the way, is how people get to Jade's house in case something's happening with John's house or no Egberts are home. They just go around and shit. The houses aren't actually linked up internally. If they were then there would be some privacy involved.
Jade had long been dressed of course but when Kanaya answered Jade was still covered with Mountain Drew and Doritos.
"Sup?" She asked.
"Ew..." Replied Kanaya.
Then there was a THUMP.
Jade's room was now blocked by another statue! This one, for those wondering, was of Jake flipping off the uh... Jade in this case.
"Oh dear." Said Kanaya.
GA: Jade
GG: yo
GA: So We Are Stranded
GA: In Your Room
GA: Stuck I Should Say
GA: In Your Home I Should Say
GG: fuck
GA: it Is A Statue Of Jake With His Middle Lateral Quasi-Pseudoium Finger In An Elevated Position Relative To The Others
GG: yeah i see im right fucking next to you whats with trollian anyway?
GG: hes flipping me off!
GG: hahahaha gg jake!
GG: oh god thats how john feels
GG: now i feel like such a fucking ass for not helping him earlier :)
GG: i should do something about it
GG: oh wait
GG: right im stuck
GG: FUCK
GG: any tips?
GA: Yes In Fact
GA: Nepeta Wants To Say Something
- arsenicCatnip [AC] joined the conversation! -
AC: :33 hi!
AC: :33 yes i do have a tip!
GG: the fugg are you?
AC: :33 you dont remember me?
GG: not really
GG: just everything about you radiates not-importance
GG: like i still forgot you but i can tell from reading this shit that youre probably not that special
AC: :33 oh
AC: :33 well that may be used as an insult by you but i think in a weird way its a compliment!
GG: what no
GG: why the fuck would you want to be UNimportant
GG: youd think youd want to be REALLY improtant
AC: :33 well
AC: :33 i dont think people like you will get it
GG: howdya know me?
GG: the fuck do you mean by that?
AC: :33 we met before you just dont remember me
AC: :33 anyway the statues
AC: :33 look at them VERY catfurrly
AC: :33 always keep an eye on the smmall details
GG: wait what?
- arsenicCatnip [AC] left the conversation! -
GG: i knew it
GG: not important
GA: Hey
GG: what i just had a gut feeling
GG: and so far theyve been right
- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering grimAuxilliatrix [GA] at 2:45 PM -
So that left John to look around hin l,ike, his home.
Uh, yeah there qwas these Nick Cage posters and some other movies I never heard of until this comic.
And that god damn statue blocking the only way out, taunting the shit out of him. Like wow what a taunting annoying statue.
John really needed to think of a strategy. Not only to get out, but to also prank Jane back.
Once that was taken care of, some kind of KICK-ASS AMAZING ADVENTURE can happen.
So John just kind of slammed his hammer at the statue a lot and ir didn't break. HOWEVER, asecret compartment DID open up with a paper saying "Hoo hoo, you know I know strength! You'll have to try harder than that!" It was written in cyan so of course that's Jane's handwriting.
He hammered the statue harder and it just spawned anotehr note, reading "Seriously? Up to the same tricks? Think of something more clever."
John sighed.
"Jand this isn't fair." He said. "How stoned are you to think about being this MEAN? Probably not very stoned; I mean, you're always like this so maybe that's your normal self. Unless you taking drugs I don't know about."
He could swear he saw her from the corner of his eye, but then she disappeared.
"JANE!" He shouted. "I know you're around here somewhere! You know you have to sleep here too, so uh... the joke is on you that you're locking yourself out of your own room!"
He heard her laughing, but it abruptly stopped.
What the fuck, was this a horror movie or something?
"ARGH! Horror movies! ...Oh wait, I like bad movies and that includes some horror movies?" He said to himself. Also, half-to Jane.
Then Jane zipped over to him from the shadows!
"I already know more about this world than you do..." She said. "I hang out wiht Jake, we go to all kinds of wonderous places that I am barring you from entry of at this moment with my incredible, unbeatable prank skills! You know, if you really want an easy way out of being roomtrapped, you can battle me. Get a taste of the real adventure instead of being stuck in this 'tutorial...'"
John got in an action hero pose and pointed at her. "BRING IT ON, MOTHERFUCKER!"
Jane suddenly zipped in to another part of the room, and held out a red spoon!
"Oh. That Crocker stuff. What's that supposed to-"
Then she flipped a button and it turned in to a sword bigger than her!
"Oh shit."
BOSS 1: PRANK OVERLADY: JANE EGBERT!
So then Jane just stabbed the ground with her Crockerblade (that's the name of the sword) and suddenly it made like this V-shaped shockwave that just tore the house in half, and it kept spreading out to tear even more of it up. We'll see how much near the end.
But hey, at least that attack also destroyed the statue. Out of it flew a paper that said "I knew it! I would get bored of this eventually and destroy the statue FOR you! :B" written in cyan.
Jade's house was located in such a way that it wasn't effected by being torn in half, but it was moved to the left as that was the side of the house relative to the 'rip' that it was on.
John immediately got nervous. He tried to look around and see if he could index up something good, maybe, hopefully.
"I don't know how to fight someone that powerful,!" He shouted, barely getting an ordinary hammer out. But he felt nervous about it.
Jane dashed towards him and lightly tapped his chest with the sword.
"Boop!" She said. "There, you would be dead if I were actually tryign!"
He first laughed it off, then she flicked a finger on his forehead lightly and that caused him to start bleeding vehemently. Like, that's a LOT of blood.
"AAAAAOOOOWW!" He cried. With a laugh, Jane jumped back, and held the Crockerblade up high.
"Looks like I'm the one winning THIS prank-off!" She exclaimed. "So, twin brother, any extra tricks you have up your sleeve?"
Yeah the prnaks really DO just keep getting more deadly and fucked up.
"Well uh... Jade and I can kind of work together for our advantage! What do you have with Jake, again?"
"Oh Jake and I are actually dating. Duh! Remember, Jade keeps teasing 'my brother is kissing your sister?'"
"Yes, but... but... our FRIENDSHIP is longer! And friendship is better than relationships!"
"You only think that because Jade keeps telling you 'bros before hos!' Obviously I'm better than you in most aspects! Including the speed of my relationship!"
He tries to fight back with his hammer, getting it ready and barely able to deflect her blow.
Then a thought popped in to his head.
"Wait! I know how to beat you!" He said. "I think I just gave away some weaknessish!"
Then he pointed behind Jane.
"Look! Jake!"
She turned and looked and then he hit her in the side of her head with his hammer.
That barely knocked off a sliver of her life bar.
But Jane just laughed instead.
"Well, you made me look like a fool even when you were down..." She said. "I guess I will let you go this time. Just remember, when those 'danger' things come, you should be ready!"
Then she strongjumped away, taking off straight in to the atmosphere and disappearing in a glimmer of light.
John looked by where his door was and saw Nepeta smiling from the other side.
"Hi John!" Nepeta greeted. He just tilted his head to the side.
"Wait... who are you, again? Some girl Jade talked to?"
"I'll explain later, when I'm not busy."
"Busy?"
"I'm here to help get Jade out of her room."
"How did you know Jade is homestuck?" Asked John. "That just happened like two seconds ago."
"Trust me." Said Nepeta. "Let's just say there is a reason why I'm busy."
"So are you stalking us?"
"Cats normally stalk it's a cat thing stop asking questions I'm suspicious I always am."
John shrugged. "Oh okay then."
"Now, about Jade. Let's actually go up to her house and see what we can do."
Yes, there was still that bust blocking the way out. From Jade's room ,this time. And Kanaya was there as well.
Jade herself was heard above, complaining.
"UUURRGH! John are you ther e yet?" She asked. "Kanaya and I have been stuck for HOURS! Well, in Jade time, which is like two fucking minutes. I'm an impatient BITCH."
Then suddenly Jake appeared behind John and Nepeta.
"tally FUCKING ho mates!" Jake said. "Sacre Blue, you're here! I thought Jade was trying to fight her own battles, like you kind of did!"
"Uh..." Was all John could reply.
"Well then! I guess not! So WE are going to battle first, BEFORE my battle of the day with JADE!"
BOSS 2: PUMPKIN JUNGLE GUY?: JAKE HARLEY
"Oh hell no not this again. I'm not even sure if you should be Boss 2." Said John. "We just want Jade freed so we can both leave our house. Well, I could leave my house and I technically do now every time I step to that part between the two halves of my house now that Jane cut it in half."
But shrugging, John then just did the exact same thing he did with Jane.
"Hey look over there, it's Jake - I uh mean Jane."
Jake turned his head for a split-second and said "Wait a minute... Jane warned me about this!"
But then he turned around and got his guns out to fire. John blocked himself and whimpered a bit since he still hadn't healed from the Jane fight, but Nepeta looked calm and smirked.
Then her (Nepeta I mean but she's the only female around) claws were able to deflect Jake's bullets.
"WHAT THE BRITISH-SATAN?" Asked Jake. "The British Satan, for those that don't know, goes by Satoun. IT's the Canadian spelling."
"I'm prepared." Explained Nepeta. "It pays off after being busy for a long time."
He kept trying to shoot, but eventually he accidentally shot the statue blocking the staircase out.
Jade and Kanaya finally began walking down.
"What the fuck is going on here?" She asked. Then she looked for like five seconds and shrugged. "Eh, same old same fucking old. No biggie dudes."
Kanaya, on the other hand, was more surprised.
Jade was about to go away when John protested:
"Hey! You're his 'good twin... ish!'" He said. "Go after him!"
"...Yeah, but didn't you want to be that big Adventure Time hero like Finn?" Jade just lazily waved like an asshole. "Heroes fight villains. It's not obligated for the villain's siblings to do thart. Sooooo... bye!"
Jade just went over and back to sleep, now that she could leave her room she went back to her room.
She's kind of a little jerk in this AU.
"Well, I can finally leave my home at least."
"Oh yeah!" Cheered Nepeta. "Yes, you told Jade and Jade told Kanaya and Kanaya told me that you enjoy going on adventures!"
"...With Jade, though. I'm going to wait for her to take up. Because that's how I do everything: together with Jade by my side, waiting for her loyally like I'm her dog or something."
Nepeta silently cursed under her breath. "...Dammit."
Speaking of Nepeta, remember when she said to look for the statue details? Okay, get this... out of the Jake statue, although un-noticed by Jade, was a small note with some sort of code. Now, remember this. Despite that being the Jake statue, it was signed by Jane.
The waiting actually took a while. But first, let's brag about Jane for a second:
That "V" thing that she carved when she sliced the house in half? Let's zoom out a little. Out to how it's still like a ditch/canyon to the neighborhood. Out to where it's a BIGGER canyon across like several streets over.
Hell, let's just skip to seeing it from space where it's this huge gorge thing that dug in to like the mantle of the Earth.
Don't worry everybody was on vacation so Jane didn't kill anyone with her sword there.
ANYWAY, now let's get to Jade being awake. So...
"We're gonna leave home now and go on adventures, homie." Said Jade to John.
"Okay."
Nepeta silently nodded.
PS, Kanaya already went back home because she wasn't going to wait for Jade.
Well, that's already END OF ACT 1. Sorry if it was longer than the old Act 1, but at least there's no Intermission thsi time.
Also, nobody really picked up on the card, so Nepeta just picked it up and stashed it away.
Closing AN:
So this is definitely just more of an introduction to get this story 'established,' and so that Housestuck: The Split will be the 'last' SBIG installment to be published. I don't normally like doing "just" intro chapters with little content (and in the rare time I do, like with run:gifocalypse, I usually publish the second chapter at the same time), but I also don't like the old SJAHJ and would like to at least get started on redoing some things.
Anyway, I will be working on naruto the guy with the ninja's fifth chapter starting tomorrow, and I might just stick with that until its ending because I'm already around the halfway mark. As for this story itself, I estimate that this might only have... about 7-9 chapters, and even that's pushing it a bit and assuming on the higher end. If you didn't really enjoy this or get too much of a "purposefully bad bad" vibe out, don't worry: things are set to go crazy by Act 2. If you don't feel that, then I completely screwed up and you're fully allowed to hate me.