Call of the Void

by restfulsky5

Jim's a changed man, but when he resumes command of the Enterprise he's forced to look over his shoulder more than ever before. As he continues to reconcile with his new self, his own mother forces his hand. Soon, he's at a precipice, staring down a decision which has dire consequences for the Enterprise and Federation no matter where he steps. Indigenous sequel.

1. I've Filled This Void with Things Unreal

Author's Note: I'm back and I hope you're still with me! I really didn't intend to wait this long to post the sequel to Indigenous. I apologize for the extra wait! No joke, the week after I posted the end to Indigenous was absolutely horrendous. My family was deeply affected by what transpired, especially my young son. It's taken my 'mother's heart' awhile to work through some things, too, and mentally come out of it. But, we're here now, moving along, and I really hope you all enjoy this next story.

Call of the Void will continue the story I planned in Indigenous, and since it's been a few weeks it may be good to take a peek at the last chapter of Indigenous to refresh your memory. Please note that if you have NOT read the first story, this probably won't make much sense. It is a sequel, and you can't really read and understand this story without reading the other.

Other miscellaneous notes: This story begins fourteen days after the conclusion of Indigenous. The only pairing in this story is a very backgroundish S/U. My focus is friendship because there's a lot going on - Jim has grown leaps and bounds, having persevered through numerous obstacles by the hands of the Re'an and potentially facing more with his mother and her agenda. It's how I envisioned Indigenous (and this short sequel) from the very beginning, as a Triumvirate focused fic. The T Rating is mainly for minor coarse language. Updates will be at least weekly. Check out my tumblr if you want. The link is in my profile. Sometimes I post excerpts or other things pertaining to my Star Trek works.

This story won't be perfect but please know that I've tried my best. I say this because I've really enjoyed writing this very different path for Jim, and admittedly, it has become my baby. I look forward to writing more of 'this' Jim, McCoy, and Spock, and the other characters. I have ideas that just won't leave me alone, especially now that I've had a few weeks to ponder how these characters have grown. One or two have a mind of their own, developing in ways I didn't expect, and I am finding I may have to adjust for that in a third story. :)

Here's a shout out to my beta reader, Rubyhair. She's been so wonderful to me, helping me through several things, offering smart advice and criticism. She also has an awesome creative side that has added life to certain plots, which then inspired me, as well. Thanks, Rubyhair!

And, finally, this chapter is pretty big, as you can see, but I didn't want to split it in half and make you wait longer for some of the scenes. You've all been waiting so patiently for me, and I didn't think it would be very fair if I did that. :) I've really appreciated your support through the first story, comments, too! I think that is all I should say for now, except...thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for reading! Hope you enjoy this first chapter!

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L'appel du vide

A French phrase which translates literally to "the call of the void."

The urge some people get to jump from high places when they encounter them. For example, when close to the edge of cliffs.

oOo

Chapter One

I Have Filled This Void with Things Unreal

oOo

Jim took a breath in the quietness of the ready room. "Computer begin recording:

"Captain's Log, Stardate 2260.165

"Since we are between missions at the moment, I decided it was the perfect time to allow Scotty to play with the computers. By tomorrow, he will have worked his magic and the calibration that he's been running will be complete, giving the computers an increased efficiency of twenty-eight percent. Given that our ship took an unavoidable hit with the rare plasma storm last week, I look forward to the change. All of our departments have decided to award Scotty with one thing or another, but the one that takes the cake is the vow of daily sandwiches, hand-cut and hand-delivered by Chekov, who bore the brunt of our computers' sluggish behavior.

"We determined that the cloud-like sentinent being our long range scanners discovered yesterday is in fact, dead. Tomorrow, we will be able to perform more thorough scans. Uhura picked up an unusual transmission at the end of my shift yesterday. Unusual, because we could hear only a handful of unintelligible syllables through the static. Also unusual is that it appears to have come from the same place to which we are headed, the unexplored and rather large system called Danavus, but we can't be certain. Our long range scanners are unable to reach it yet, but we are all on edge due to the nature of the signal. The lack of words as well as the inconclusive coordinates give us very little to go on. But, I hesitate to ignore this seemingly solitary transmission. To our limited knowledge, the Danavus system is uninhabited. However, it's rumored that at least two planets in Danavus are habitable, the only planets that long-range scanners have ever been able to pick up the past decade. We'll continue at our current pace, but I'm holding my breath for answers.

End recording."

Jim tapped his fingers on his desk. He'd crammed as much as he could into this half-shift but he wasn't quite finished. Jim picked up his communicator and headed down to engineering to help Scotty.

oOo

"Unable to locate Captain James T. Kirk."

"What do you mean you can't find him?" McCoy gritted, glaring at the computer.

If there was one thing that sent McCoy over the edge after a long, hard day, it was learning of an untraceable captain. That he was gone, as in vanished, lost in the depths of the ship. That he was purposefully not wanting to be found. Any one of these scenarios usually resulted with all computers very conveniently unable to find him, as was the case now. Jim's shift was over and as far as McCoy knew, Jim usually headed for only a handful of places afterwards: his quarters, the mess hall, the gym, or one of the pools. Make no doubt, Jim Kirk would be found. Until that moment, McCoy felt no shame that he was directing his fury at a mere machine.

"Computer, locate Captain James Tiberius Kirk." Several nurses' heads turned up at his voice practically thundering across sickbay. McCoy added, muttering under his breath, "Bane of my existence."

"Unable to locate Captain James Tiberius Kirk."

"My guess is that he's making his rounds," Christine said, coming up from behind him.

"Rounds you say? So sometime in between dying in the warp core, captaining this ship, and then getting his head screwed over, he earned a medical degree?" McCoy's own sarcasm pummeled him.

"That's not what...you didn't know..." Christine's eyes widened. "Oh."

McCoy eyed her suspiciously. "He's working, isn't he? And he turned his comm off, not to mention sabotaged the computer. After I said half-shifts only?" No wonder Jim hadn't complained about the shortened hours of work the past fourteen days. He was busy working.

Christine chewed her bottom lip, practically gnawing it in half with her teeth.

"Chris," McCoy warned.

"You didn't hear it from me, though I don't think there's anything wrong with what he's doing," Christine said, of course defending him. Jim had become Re'an, and it was like he was the Pied Piper with all of McCoy's nurses, especially Christine. Oh, and Garid. Everyone had succumbed. "He's...visiting. Getting to know his crew again."

"Working, visiting, it's all the same because he'll start over-exerting himself and you know it," McCoy's lips curled up into a snarl directed at his best nurse but he caught himself just in time. He blamed his short fuse on the double shift he'd had to take combined with a missing captain. He decided that once he found said captain and dealt with him accordingly, he was going back to his own quarters for the night and sleep for the next twelve hours, with said captain first chained to his bed if he had to in order to get him to take it easy. Hadn't Jim moved past all of these tricks? This elusiveness, this bending of the rules made by his personal physician? "Especially if he purposefully makes his whereabouts unknown."

"Officially, he's not working Len," Christine said. "When is it a good time to reconnect with his crew? He can't when he's on the bridge, not really."

"Officially, he's feeling guilty about this so-called visiting, thus why he has the need to hide himself."

"He's not hiding himself." Christine sighed. "I doubt he turned off his comm. I doubt he sabotaged the computer. Jim wouldn't do that. Something had to have happened to them, instead. Maybe...a calibration?"

McCoy's thoughts stopped in their tracks. She was right. Four months ago, before any of this had happened, she wouldn't have been right, but now? Jim would not hide from McCoy. He would not sabotage the computer so he would not be found. It would be the last thing on Jim's mind. And McCoy had forgotten Scotty had a few more kinks to work out with the computers. "He's been visiting crewmembers every day, for two weeks, hasn't he?"

"Surely you've noticed something about his new routine," Christine remarked.

McCoy said nothing. After Captain Roark's visit to the Enterprise, McCoy had taken several days off, giving in to Jim's insistence that he take a break. That had must have been when Jim first began this new routine of his. That, at least, could account for his lack of knowledge in the beginning. And maybe...now that he thought about it, Jim had always told him where he was when he'd asked. If it hadn't been on the bridge, McCoy must have caught him always at the gym, or the pool, or mess, or his quarters. It was all a coincidence, a coincidence that had made him oblivious to the very man he wanted to track.

"Seriously?" Christine frowned.

"He's fallen into his duties like he'd never left...and then some," McCoy observed, finally putting it all together.

"Have you had any time to talk to him beyond the normal duties the past two weeks?" She asked, eyes warming.

McCoy sank into a chair, sighing. "Hardly, and now I know why." McCoy gave a small smile in spite of himself. "I'm used to Jim making all of these excuses when he didn't want to listen to my orders, which just meant I was onto him even more. But this? Hiding in plain sight? This is new."

Christine laughed. "Don't look so disappointed. It's like you wanted to chase him down."

McCoy scoffed. "The thrill of the chase?"

She nodded.

McCoy had accepted these new ways of his best friend. He'd come to terms and made his peace, but he still forgot. He was still used to the ways of the old Jim, and he chose a different excuse to explain himself rather than continuing to appear like a teenaged boy. "I don't have the energy to do that." He glanced at the chronometer. He'd promised Jocelyn the comm would be made within the hour. "I need to find him."

"You look worried."

"He's going to talk with Jo tonight, as soon as Uhura gets the go ahead for the transmission," McCoy explained, getting up from his chair. He'd begin his search in one of the observation lounges or the rec room.

"You've prepared Joanna," she said. "It may be a shock at first, but I imagine she'll bounce back. Kids are resilient."

"She loves Jim too much to let anything get in the way," he said without thinking.

"I'm sure she'll be fine," Christine remarked, passing him as she went back to her duties.

But it wasn't his own daughter that McCoy was worried about. It was the man who could be keeping himself so busy that he didn't have to think on anything else but his ship and crew.

oOo

Jim closed one eye and peered across the cue stick at the balls scattered on the table, taking his time as he lined up his shot. The engineers, a group which included Scotty and three others, were saints to have put up with Jim's faulty memory. But, they all needed a break from the occasional humdrum of life on a starship. Especially Scotty, the hard-working engineer who was quickly becoming everyone's favorite lately. Jim himself hadn't spent too much time in the rec room the past two weeks because he'd been so busy. But when he had found a few moments to spare, it'd been purposeful and not just for sport.

Take this game for example. Of all things, he hadn't remembered how to play pool. The Re'an had found some reason for taking that away, too. This was the third game they'd played but he felt like his skill was returning with the speed of an Andorian slug. Not to mention that his eye-hand coordination was still a little off while engaging in this tedious of an activity. Shaky, too. He was taking his time because he had to. It was ridiculously slow, but the men standing and leaning on their own cue sticks watching him didn't seem to mind. If anything, he was providing them with some form of grand entertainment, a Starfleet captain fumbling with his shots. If this wasn't a great sacrifice playing billiards with him, all for the sake of camaraderie, he didn't know what was.

"Jim," Scotty whispered close to him. His concentration broken, Jim glanced up to see a bemused glint in the engineer's eyes. "The good doctor must be lookin' to speak with you,"

Jim slowly straightened his back, now completely sidetracked from the shot he was planning. The cue stick loosely gripped in his hand, he arched a brow and tried to look as nonchalant as he could as his eyes swept across the rec room and landed on one particular disgruntled looking doctor. He was leaning against a far wall, probably having watched Jim play pool with Scotty and a few engineers for who knows how long. With his arms crossed. With that scowl on his face. And with... Oh. Jim glanced at the chronometer on the wall for the first time since he arrived. He'd a call to make to one particular eight year old and he was cutting it a little damn close. Not only that, but he'd accidentally left his comm in engineering somewhere and that meant Bones couldn't have reached him. It may have even fallen out of his pocket when he was helping Scotty with a repair just before his shift ended. No wonder Bones wasn't happy.

"Looks like my time is up," Jim said, remorsefully setting aside his cue stick.

"Aye, laddie, may be for the best," Scotty's voice filled with mock pity.

Jim grinned as the other men snickered. He clapped Scotty on the back. "One of these days, I'll catch up to you."

Scotty only smirked.

Jim chuckled. "Day after tomorrow, then? Same time?"

"Aye, cannae come soon enough, Jim," Scotty said, shaking his head.

"Oh?" Jim asked, brow arched in expectation.

"Ye need the practice, laddie, or ye'll be drowning your losses with my whiskey," Scotty said with a grin.

Laughing right along with them, Jim walked away. He began focusing on what was coming with Joanna. He hadn't meant to delay meeting up with Bones, but the game had been more challenging than he'd expected.

"You were having a little difficulty handling the cue stick and making that shot, weren't you?" Bones asked immediately when Jim stopped beside him.

Jim fought a wince. "A little."

"Why didn't you say anything about that before?"

"It's gotten better," Jim said honestly. "And I'm sorry...I think I misplaced my comm in engineering, when I was helping Scotty with repairs."

Bones looked at him, expression too impassive to be anything good.

"Okay, okay. I know what you're thinking. I know that sounds... bad," Jim had to admit, and damn, if Bones' silence wasn't making him feeling a bit sheepish. "And very similar to the things I used to do."

"It just might," Bones said evenly.

"I swear, Bones, none of it was on purpose."

"So you say," Bones stated, clearly not about to give Jim a break.

"I was there helping him before my shift was over," Jim defended, missing the slight smirk on the doctor's face. "And my comm. It's probably...and it's..." Baffled, Jim scratched his head. He had no idea where the damn thing was. He really wasn't this absent-minded, but he'd had a lot on his mind lately. "Bones, I really don't know what happened to it."

"Rand can retrieve it for you." Bones didn't even blink. "Jim, you took a full three minutes for one shot, and you missed."

So Bones had been watching for awhile without Jim noticing. Oddly enough, that unsettled him, but only because it confirmed his own uncharacteristic absent-mindedness. "I miss most of them," Jim snorted. "Bones, should we do this in your quarters or mine?"

Bones frowned, taking him by the arm. "Don't change the subject. Jim, this is important, especially if for some reason your sight is degrading."

"I'm okay until I have to lean over and actually use the cue stick and close one eye," Jim confessed as they exited the rec room. "Then...everything gets twisted in my line of sight."

Bones looked at him thoughtfully. "Keep playing. I think it'll help."

But Jim heard doubt in the doctor's voice. "But...you need to give another exam."

Bones nodded. "It could also be a shift in your eye structure we didn't see or the implants malfunctioning as you move around, and I can't let that go." He paused, thoughtful. "But, honestly, from what you're describing, I think it's a combination of the healing process, the transition, and you needing more refined exercises to help improve your vision."

"Tomorrow?" Jim asked.

"I'll adjust my schedule so it can be tonight."

Jim nodded quietly in agreement. "So, Joanna," Jim asked, pausing as they waited for the lift doors to open. "Are you sure this is a good idea? Maybe we should wait a little longer."

"More time may make this harder. Besides, Jocelyn gave her a holo of the new you," Bones said, one brow arched as he glanced at Jim.

Jim's breath caught and he stopped. "And?"

Bones sighed and gently tugged him along and into the lift. "Jocelyn said she stuck it on her wall beside her bed, next to one of you before we left."

Jim fell quiet. He could just imagine the eight year old looking at her wall for hours, trying to reconcile the way her uncle looked with the one she remembered. Her eyes flitting back and forth between the holos, her world becoming slightly undone like it would Jim's if he'd been in her shoes. He clearly recalled times in his childhood when the people he'd trusted became strangers at some point, their actions not matching up with what he knew them to be like and thus changing his entire outlook on them. Sam. Pike. Jim's heart skipped a beat. His mother. They'd become strangers to him, disappointing him in every possible way, just as he could quite possibly become a stranger to Jo. Even worse was the thought that these physical changes would ultimately unsettle her, and Joanna would have to deal with a new kind of hurt.

"She'll be fine," Bones drawled. "You're her favorite uncle. Nothing is ever going to change that." The lift doors closed. "Deck five."

Jim crossed his arms. "And if she's not?"

"Then we give her time, Jim," Bones said softly.

"You're a good father, Bones, and she's...she's lucky to have you in her life," Jim said, exhaling a breath. Bones may have left on a ship for five years but the doctor was available for his daughter more than Jim's own mother had ever been for him his entire life. They walked out of the lift together, but Bones again took him by the arm. "I don't tell you that enough, and you should hear it every day. I know things are hard on you," Jim added.

Bones looked sharply at him and when Jim met his gaze, it wasn't his imagination. Something Jim had just said bothered him.

"Bones?" Jim asked, faltering in his stride.

"My quarters," the doctor said a bit roughly, running his hand over his face. "But we're going to your quarters to pick up Sam first. Jo was looking forward to meeting her."

Silently, worriedly, Jim followed his best friend to his own door. Bones seemed to want to lead them and Jim didn't mind. It seemed to Jim that they were both thinking far too much.

oOo

Before he knew it, Jim was sitting on the edge of Bones' bed, watching the picture of innocence on the screen of the doctor's PADD. The widest, most beautiful brown eyes he'd ever seen peered at Jim. They stared at him, tracing the outline of his face from his hairline down to his chin, then darting down at the snake lounging across his arms. The young girl looked like a painting, quiet and still, those eyes full of soul and with the slightly mussed hair of an early morning, under the golden light coming through the window beside her.

He stared back at the vision in the screen, heart both drumming and hurting for the child who'd stolen it long ago. Of all the times Jim had talked with Joanna McCoy, she'd never been this softly spoken or reserved. Jim wasn't stupid. He knew it had everything to do with his new face, the scars and the eyes and even his darker hair. It had something to do with the creature he'd been forced to reconcile with, accepting it as part of his life. But, Jim also knew that Bones as well as Jocelyn had prepared Joanna for the change. Bones told Jim that she'd already seen a holo of him. Her parents told her only what she needed to know. It wasn't a complete shock. At least Jim had hoped it wouldn't be.

Jo was strong. She was vibrant and personable, like her mother, Jocelyn. She was also her father with that stubborn streak of hers and the intense love she gave to others, especially Jim. She was an independent thinker, sometimes wearing her emotions on her sleeve even when she tried hard not to. She was a multitude of emotions wrapped up in an unassuming, small package that Jim could not fold into his arms like he wanted to or used to. That he could not whisper words of comfort to or make laugh by targeting her ticklish spots or engage in a serious hide-and-seek game in her grandmother's house. Jo was beyond his reach, beyond his touch, living there on Earth while he was in space and on the same ship that had taken away her father.

Because he knew how hard it was for her, it was almost too much for Jim. It hurt that he couldn't comfort her in a tangible way, but he had delayed the communication long enough and couldn't bear losing his nerve not even five minutes into their on-screen visit. Joanna McCoy's small face and saucer-like eyes told Jim that the beloved niece-of-his-heart was struggling, and it broke something in Jim. Shattered his own expectations that she'd not be affected by his physical changes. He hated that he could not make it better or easier for her, no matter how hard he tried. It was what it was. There was nothing he could do to stop it.

"You want to tell me about school?" Jim asked her softly.

She closed her eyes and shook her head.

"Okay," he said, stroking Sam, trying to remain as steady as possible for Jo's sake. "How about your Nana?"

She shook her head again, eyes now clenched shut so tightly not even Jim's pleading opened them. He couldn't believe that she didn't want to speak about her beloved Grandmother Nora.

"Boys?" he tried again. "Those weird, annoying creatures that you have to sit next to in class? I was one once. I can give you pointers on how to annoy them back."

"Whadya mean, once?" Bones called from the other room. Jo's eyes shot open. "You're still weird and annoying. You're still a kid and barely manageable, too, you man-child. Just check my blood pressure for proof."

Jim rolled his eyes dramatically. It had the effect he wanted. Jo's mouth widened into a smile. "There's my girl."

"I like your snake, Uncle Jim," she whispered.

"She's pretty, isn't she?"

Joanna nodded. "I think she really likes you. Her name is pretty, too." She paused and peered at the creature. "Samantha."

"She hears you," he said softly, noticing how Sam wiggled from his arms a bit.

"I hope you have her forever," she said awed, "So I can see her when you get back."

"Maybe I will," he said, hoping it was true. "I'd love for you to meet her in person, at a safe distance and when she's in her case, of course."

"I like school," Jo said, still intrigued with Sam.

"You are a very smart girl to like school, Jo," Jim said.

"We're studying famous people and we get to pick one. And dress up like them."

"That's the best part, you know, dressing up and getting to be whoever you want to be, Jo. Just for the day. Do you know how lucky you are? If I tried dressing up and showing up like that for work, I'd get the menacing eyebrow from Mr. Spock," Jim said in exasperation.

She giggled. "I know. It has to be tough being a grown-up. I like being a kid. Uncle Jim?"

"Yeah, kiddo?"

She leaned forward, whispering. "Can someone pretend too much?"

The question threw him violently into a warping sense of thought. In every physical sense he was there with Jo but his consciousness seemed to leave the room and no sound registered other than what decided to fight for the spotlight. The thoughts tumbled one right after another. The vacant seat at the dining room table on his birthday caused the prick in his heart. An ill-fated ship filling with children's cries sent a wave of sorrow through him. His thoughts moved swiftly again, calling to mind when his mother said one thing to him yet did another, her betrayal as bitter as the day it had occurred. Something tightened around his arm. Jim's concentration faltered as he realized that his Re'an creature was helping him. His heart wanted to take off racing but Sam tightened her coils even more, and it was enough. Jim breathed in and out, his focus on his Re'an side. It was enough to slow him down, remove him from his own head, and redirect his attention on Jo and her very important question.

Could someone pretend too much? Jim did not know, or maybe he simply didn't want to answer.

"At your age, Jo? You can pretend all you want to," he said instead. "Especially you."

"I want to be an explorer like you," she leaned in even more but Jim could barely hear her. "And a bunch of other things."

"This is the time to pretend, Jo," he whispered back.

"But I'm eight years old. I'm not a baby," she said, words hushed.

"No, you aren't a baby but you're still a kid. You get to pretend until you're twenty, at least, and probably even longer. Why are we whispering, Jo?" He asked softly.

"Is daddy still listenin'?" He nodded. She made a face. "I want a private conversation with the captain. Daddy should leave."

Jim almost laughed at the order. "I'm in his quarters, Jo, so I can't throw him out."

"Sure ya can. You're captain."

"I can take a hint," Bones grumped as he came into the room.

"I just want some alone time with Uncle Jim," Jo said, looking wide-eyed at her father. "Like we used to have."

Jim glanced warily at Bones. "Talks with just Uncle Jim" were normal occurrences, but who knew how smoothly the conversation would go with all these changes on her mind.

"It's alright, Jim." Bones nodded slowly, eyes flickering from Jim to Jo. "I know you two like to have privacy sometimes, and sometimes you're on this same level without me and I don't know what you're talkin' about, anyway. I'll put some music on in the other room. Five minutes?"

Jo's head bobbed up and down, and Jim found that he had no say in the matter. The McCoys were tough to deny when they banded. But when Bones left them alone, Jo went back to her staring.

Jim smiled patiently at her. "You're thinking too hard, kiddo."

Her eyes took on the same worry Jim saw in her father's most days when Bones didn't know Jim was looking. She tilted her head and drew her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs to hold them there. "I can't stop thinking."

Me and you, both, kid, Jim thought to himself, but he only replied, "It's okay if you need to talk to someone. It may help."

She drew a hasty breath. "Uncle Jim?"

"Yeah, Jo?"

She lifted her chin. If it wasn't her father staring at him in all his stubbornness to get an honest answer out of Jim, he would eat all his vegetables the next time Bones was watching. "Is my daddy okay? Is he...is he...sad? 'Cuz he looks sad, sort of like he did when you were in your coma and you weren't...you weren't..."

Her voice trailing off, Jo stared down at her knees. Jim stared at her knees, at her small hands tightly pressing her legs to her chest as if she wanted to disappear. His heart squeezed like the lemons did in Mrs. McCoy's hand when she made lemonade, the refreshment tart at first but slowly sweetening with each stir because she knew just exactly how to make things...better. But Jim didn't know how to make things better. Not really. He made things bitter. Because of the Re'an in him, he couldn't allow Bones to fix the scarring around his eyes. He couldn't let Bones fix him to make things better for the doctor, so he didn't have to see Jim's more visible changes. He couldn't change his darker hair, he couldn't change the way he thought about things now. He couldn't fix all the pain that the Re'an had inflicted upon him and his crew, especially that upon his best friends, Bones and Spock. He couldn't answer in complete honesty for Jo's sake...but he couldn't lie, either.

There was a lot he couldn't do, but he could comfort his best friend's daughter. Just like Jo, he also drew a breath, one to fill his lungs as much as possible. He hoped his answer would be enough for this tender but spirited child. "He was feeling bad but he isn't anymore, Jo. I promise. I'm doing everything that I can to make sure that he is okay."

"You'll watch out for him?" She whispered. Her eyes filled with hope as she repeated the same words her grandmother had whispered to Jim before they'd left on the five-year mission. Watch out for him, Jim. Watch out for my boy, Eleanora McCoy had whispered.

He nodded as he had then, vowing with his life to do exactly that. "It's my duty and my honor to do so, Jo, as captain of this ship."

When she remained unresponsive as before, he tried again.

"I promise, Jo," he said. "He watched out for me and now it's my turn to watch out for him. He's one of two best friends I have in the whole world. And not only am I watching out for him, but Mr. Spock is, too."

"Okay," she said in a small voice, but Jim knew for a fact that this was her brave face.

Jim had saved all his tender smiles for her, and finding it to be the perfect time, he used one. She crawled out of her shell, and he, for the umpteenth time, wished the miles away between them. Nothing compared to a hug from Joanna McCoy but even better was giving one to her, this child of his heart, and calming her fears. "Do you feel like talking now? Maybe more about that school project of yours? Knowing you, you probably picked someone that did something brave and kind yet so profound that it changed the world. Like your dad did when he made that decision to become a doctor. You're a lot like him, you know."

Her nod was unsure but her eyes shined. To his pleasure, she monopolized the next four minutes with an young girl's brilliant ideas for making a difference in the world around her.

oOo

Red Tail was furious.

In all his years developing and then maintaining Project Raptor, he'd never had an agent so blatantly go behind his back. Not one agent, but two, and two of his best.

"I had to learn that you abandoned your current mission from HQ. It was information that was handed from one admiral to the next, beginning with the top, just minutes ago, and by a miracle, leaked to me." Red Tail explained. He stared - no, glared - at the two officers he viewed on his screen. He could see them perfectly well, but they could not see his face, which was only a dark shadow, and they could not hear his real voice, which was being manipulated by the computer. Of course, Roark knew his identity but Winona did not, nor could she ever. Red Tail was certain that if she did know, she wouldn't think twice about murdering him in his sleep now that he'd pitted her against her own son in an effort to test the young captain. "Barnett reviewed your recent logs, innocently looking for information you've gathered but he realized something didn't seem to line up. Do you know what this means?"

Captain Roark certainly did; the usually controlled captain winced. Winona merely lifted her chin, seemingly unbothered by the implications.

"Someone will begin looking at you and your ship, and looking a little too closely, wondering why you abandoned your mission and began to follow the same course of the Enterprise, just flying from under the radar of their long range sensors. HQ may begin to wonder if you've done things like this before," Red Tail stated, barely suppressing his anger. "Unless I can find a way to mop up your mess. One thing is certain, you can't stop whatever it is that you are two are doing, at least not until I can smooth this one over. If the Isis suddenly changes course, it could gain even more attention."

"We should alert the Enterprise," Roark said quietly.

"You're damn right you should," Red Tail snapped. "It's either you tell them or they hear it from HQ that the Isis is trailing them. If Kirk hears that his mother's ship is following him from someone else, what do you think he will do?"

They didn't answer, but Red Tail prayed they understood the consequences. Kirk would have no tolerance for this or them, and Project Raptor could be at risk.

"The problem is, until I have a reasonable excuse for your course of action, we can't say a damn thing," Red Tail said.

Winona inhaled deeply. "I'm keeping up with their logs. They received an inconclusive signal yesterday. We can say that we picked up the same transmission. It was a coincidence or..."

"Or what?" Red Tail interrupted, feeling unusually wary of anything Winona had to say - and uncharacteristically sarcastic. "His mother was worried for his safety?"

"We had concerns about the transmission and since my ship is the closest to the Enterprise, we took the initiative to also investigate," Roark said as if he was briefing HQ already.

"Why are you stalking the Enterprise?" Red Tail expected the silence that followed, but asked again. "What are you waiting for? I am ordering you to tell me. If you do not, I will resort to interfering with this myself."

That got Winona's attention. Her face had become only a shade lighter, but he recognized the fresh tension framing her eyes and mouth. "Sir, I don't think that joining us would be wise."

"You do realize that if I will have to send someone, someone outside of Starfleet, that I trust," he stated slowly. "I sense that whatever you two have planned is a serious risk to the Enterprise."

"It will take them days, sir," she continued, not denying his statement.

Red Tail laughed easily. "I have nothing but days, allies, and ships."

Roark shook his head. "With all due respect, sir, it'll be over and done by the time they get here. It will be a waste of time."

"So there is not much time." Red Tail's anger edged his voice. "Will there be others involved?"

"We are waiting for a reason." Roark's mouth tipped up into a loose smile.

"Roark," Winona said, with a warning glint in her eyes.

"He'll find out eventually," Roark said casually. "But when it's over."

"I am more certain than ever that you are risking your son's life, yet, you have asked for my cooperation all these years to keep him out of Project Raptor." Red Tail shook his head. She made no sense, but that was what made her unique. These paradoxes. It was also what made her powerful and unpredictable. He'd always known that someday, Winona would go too far, but he'd hoped for her sake and for her son's that his prediction would be wrong. He feared that this was it, and the Enterprise was right in the thick of it. "Roark is right. I will find out, and both of you will be appropriately disciplined. I have no qualms about removing agents from the field."

"You wouldn't. We have accomplished more than ever was expected us," Roark challenged.

"I would, and I have ways to stop you from talking once I remove you. Or did you forget that I have a trusted ally on board your ship, someone who would be capable of carrying out the procedure if necessary? Secretly and efficiently. No one will ever know," Red Tail finished with an eery quietness to his voice.

Roark's face went white. It was no surprise to Red Tail that he backed down in the blink of an eye. "Sir, it won't be a problem."

Red Tail leaned forward, voice soft. "Do you mean that if I pull you from duty, you will comply to my own demands for silence as you continue to captain the Isis?"

Roark swallowed. "Yes."

Red Tail sat back in his seat, satisfied he'd made Roark squirm, as he should. Red Tail refused to be challenged like this. The threat wasn't anything but a psychological way of manipulating the end to an agent's knowledge of Project Raptor - but it wasn't an easy treatment. It was brutal, and Roark knew of every horrific detail. Red Tail had made sure of that in the beginning. It was a procedure Red Tail would loathe ordering on a human being, but it was the only way other than committing murder to keep agents from completely betraying him and all the good work they'd done for Starfleet.

"I've heard enough excuses," Red Tail said. "There will be consequences, but I fear that interfering now would be detrimental to Kirk's safety. Am I right?" He added slowly.

"Yes," Winona answered, staring hard at the viewscreen.

"If Kirk and his crew are harmed, or anyone else, there will be hell to pay," Red Tail said.

"They won't be." Roark said, as easily as if they were discussing the weather.

"I must know when you expect things to play out," Red Tail asked harshly.

"We ourselves cannot possibly know that," Roark shrugged. "We only know it should be soon."

Red Tail had no tolerance for these games. "I refuse to let Captain Kirk face this alone. Expect company. And, if something fails in this plan of yours, or you cause more trouble, you will rue the day you ever thought to go behind my back."

"It won't fail," Winona's confidence oozed from her person. "My son will handle everything as I expect him, too."

"Because he's captain of the Enterprise once again?" Red Tail asked softly. Did she not know that her son was not the same man as he was before? "He's more than that, if you've forgotten."

"And that is exactly what I'm counting on," she said in a cool voice, oddly calm.

Red Tail's hackles raised. This was dangerous. It was dangerous and simply put, his own fault. If he hadn't recruited a woman hell-bent on ridding Starfleet of its evils, she may have lost a bit of this fire and gone home to Riverside years ago to two growing, needy boys. At the very least, she would have had more time to spend with her family. But if he hadn't recruited her, a hell of a lot worse things would have happened over the years, for without her drive and knowledge, and even her deviousness, a multitude of people would have perished. Situations gone bad would have gone worse and weapons made would have been made stronger and faster. Her own son could have suffered his death one of numerous times over the past two decades. It was a sordid thought, but if James T. Kirk no longer existed in this life, who knows how things the past few years could have played out.

But whatever it was that these two had planned for the near future, it started with Winona, continued with Roark's guidance, and ended with Jim Kirk. Red Tail could make a good guess on what was on her mind, something entirely apart from Project Raptor, because he knew it had fueled her desire to join Project Raptor in the very beginning. Revenge. Beginning and not ending with the various atrocities her son had experienced on planet as well as off while she had been an absent mother. She could be bringing a multitude of people into this situation but without more information, he wouldn't come close to an educated guess that would sufficiently prepare him.

His stomach soured. Involving her in the first place had been a fucking mistake, giving a little too much power to an emotionally disturbed woman. The result? For all he knew, an innocent man and his crew could be facing something that could possibly end in an all out fucking war.

"Although it is in fact now after hours at HQ, I will find a way to speak with your dear friend, Admiral Archer, as soon as we are done here," Red Tail decided. "Without saying anything that will jeopardize Project Raptor, of course, perhaps I can influence him to speak to your beloved son in the morning. For now, until I have gathered more information myself, keep to your story but refrain from contacting the Enterprise. In fact, as soon as we're done here, sabotage your own communications until nine hundred hours tomorrow. I believe a few more hours won't make a difference in Kirk's reaction, and, like I said, I need more information if I'm going to patch your fuck up."

"Sir, please - "

"Commander Kirk, the admirality will handle this. You know that Archer's probably already handling this because of your close ties with him - and with your son. As much as he tries to hide it, it's not a secret that Captain James T. Kirk is his favorite." Red Tail said, ignoring her protests. "I suppose, also, that you will be hearing from him as well, or maybe he's tried to contact you in this short time and you refused. I have no doubt that he'll be as suspicious as I am and will do all that he can to get to the bottom of this. If he comes to a similar conclusion, that you are up to something, he'll want to prepare Captain Kirk and his crew. Captain Roark and Commander Kirk, as far as your own conversation with the admiral, I wish you all the luck in the black. You'll need it."

oOo

Bones finally turned and faced Jim. He'd spent at least the past ten minutes quietly looking over the readings on the computer and inspecting the image of Jim's internal eye structure, and now, as he looked ready to explain the discrepancy Jim was having playing pool, Jim couldn't help but hold his breath. "There is a wider margin for adjustment than expected, and it isn't anything we can fix immediately," Bones said.

"You're pulling me from duty, aren't you?" Those weren't words Jim wanted to hear, and shoulders sinking, Jim deflated a little.

Or maybe a lot, because Bones glared at him."Don't get your panties all in a twist, Jim."

"I can't help but expect the worst, Bones, when you start with something like that," Jim scratched the back of his neck.

Bones nodded. "I can understand that, but just let me finish. No, I am not shortening your leash again Jim, because your difficulty will not affect your daily duties. However, I will have to set up intense visual stimulation sessions for you - each day."

Jim's brows shot up. "Every day?"

"I know it will cut into your free time, the time you're spending with your crew. I imagine it will also be draining, at first, but it has to be done, for at least four weeks to get the results we need."

An unwelcome, bitter feeling stole over Jim, something he hadn't felt since before the Re'an.

Resentment.

He felt it to his core, and he hated it. He still couldn't hate the Re'an, because he was now ironically one of them, and it wasn't in his nature to go against them. So he wasn't exactly sure at whom he was actually directing this unexpected and strong feeling of resentment. Bones, who was only looking out for his best interests? Or himself, a man who felt so discombobulated lately he didn't know what to do with himself? Or his mother, who was making him go crazy as he panicked and peered over his shoulder, trying to figure out what possibly could be coming next?

"Jim?"

Jim hardly registered Bones' soft voice. Couldn't he just have it easy...for once? His free time really wasn't free time. It was for his crew, not for Jim. It was for researching anything he could think of, looking for clues leading to Red Tail and Project Raptor. It was for anything that would keep his crew safe.

"Jim, ya with me?" Bones asked.

"I'm frustrated, that's all," Jim said. He would've looked away but the doctor's eyes pierced him right where he was - in a chair in sickbay, Bones' territory, and therefore, also right at the mercy of a doctor-turned-shrink.

"You've successfully spent time with your crew the past two weeks. They took notice, Jim. I heard from several of my staff already, before you came to sickbay for your exam. They appreciated the time you gave them, and they realize that it required for you to push yourself." Bones drew a breath. "That said, your crew will understand if you can't do what you were doing anymore. You have their allegiance and respect, either way."

"It's not just that, Bones," Jim admitted. However, he bit his tongue before he continued to explain his current, and perhaps even unhealthy, obsessions.

"Do you want to talk about what's been bothering you lately?" It seemed to Jim that Bones used this situation to his advantage, asking him a loaded question that deserved a better answer than Jim could currently offer.

Did he really want to reply to that? To what was bothering him? Did he want to talk about his mother? The feeling he had in his gut that he'd failed her when he was young and that was why she'd become involved with Project Raptor? Not on his life.

"I'm feeling very selfish, and I don't like it. At all." Jim closed his eyes, exhaling a slow breath as the words freed him in an unexpected way. "It doesn't seem right. I'm..."

"Off-balanced? Not feeling like yourself?" Bones hesitated. "Preoccupied by...current events here on the Enterprise?"

Jim glanced quickly at Bones and gave a short nod. He should have expected the doctor would know just exactly how he felt, even after the Re'an had messed with him.

"It's late and you should get some rest, but tomorrow you should meet with Elise," Bones said.

"It's my first full day," Jim's mouth dipped down into a full-fledged frown. Not great timing for what Bones just suggested.

"Exactly why it would be important for you to have a session with her."

"Bones - "

"Jim, you can take a little break mid-morning," Bones ordered. "She can meet you here or in your quarters."

With that firm voice, there was no arguing with the doctor. Jim found himself nodding yet another time.

"And I need to tell you something that you may not like to hear." Bones added.

Jim's heart sank. "I hate when you start out saying things like that. Don't you know what it does to people?"

Bones chuckled dryly. "Do you want to hear it or not?"

"Go ahead," Jim sighed. "You'll be telling me anyway."

Jim wanted to take his words back as soon as he saw the subtle smile disappear from Bones' face and heard just exactly it was that he wanted Jim to do.

"You need Sam with you more than you think you do," Bones said. "She's part of you, Jim, because the Re'an barrier is undoubtedly a part of you. There is no separating of the two of you, yet you didn't bring her here, and I want to know why."

"You," Jim admitted.

"I thought we went over this already," Bones said softly.

"I know. We did." Jim knew he sounded almost pathetic, but what else could he say?

"I see." Bones shifted to lean against the counter behind him and crossed his arms. "But you need her."

"Bones - "

"No, you listen to me, Jim," Bones clipped. He narrowed his eyes at Jim. "I want to see her with you everywhere, except in the swimming pool, because I know you don't want to leave her unattended that long with crewmembers around, no matter how tame you can make her act. She helps makes you be the Jim you are meant to be and the only one that you can be - this one. The one changed by the Re'an. Everywhere, okay? Deal?"

He was right, of course, and it got under Jim's skin a little. "Got it. Be imprisoned in sickbay every day for visual exercises under the watchful eye of Doctor Bones and be tied to a snake that Doctor Bones would rather put out an airlock but can't because said doctor ordered me to wear the damn thing even when I'm taking a piss," he repeated, feeling every bit as snarky as he sounded. "All because the old me died. Old Jim - dead. The 'zipped up in a body bag' kind of dead," he added just because he could.

After a moment of deafening silence and with the worst thing he could have ever said to Bones echoing in both of their ears, and guilt also in Jim's, the doctor shockingly seemed to let it all slide off of his back. And that's when Jim knew he'd gone too far.

Bones cocked an eye, his mouth grim, and asked, "Does being a smart ass make you feel better all of a sudden or something?"

"Absolutely not," Jim said hotly, and goddamn it, still irritable and unable to shut his trap. "I feel worse, actually. Thanks for asking, Doctor Bones."

"I thought so. I also have a feeling you're going to have a tough time sleeping tonight, with those smart ass remarks floating around your head." Bones turned around like Jim had never said such hurtful things and took his PADD into his hands, furiously typing on it. No doubt an order for a sedative. Great. Payback in the form of a hypo.

"Whatever gave you that idea?" Jim challenged. "The part where I talked about being a snake wearing convict?"

"Yep," Bones muttered, not looking at him. "You're definitely still a man-child."

"Maybe I should just get a tattoo, in case I forget her," Jim went on heatedly. "A large one. Property. Of. Sam. Lot of help that will be when I actually try to have a relationship some day. Someone else's name on my arm may put a damper on things. Oh, forgive me. I mean a damn snake's name, like that's any better," he muttered, feeling even more resentment building.

Bones stopped what he was doing and glared at him. "Are you done having your pity party? There are worse things that could've happened to you than being forced to depend upon a snake for the rest of your life."

"Worse did happen, Bones."

"I mean worse than that, you moron," Bones' voice raised to an almost thunderous level. "Do I have to spell it out for ya?"

The sound stole Jim's breath away but what he saw was a knife in his heart, a wound of his own doing. Bones' eyes were flecked with pain, the lines around his mouth more defined than ever.

Jim could've kicked himself. He wasn't just a man-child. Or only a moron. He was, in fact, an idiot. "Look, Bones...I...Bones, I mean...I..."

Jim's voice faded, Bones looked crushed, and Jim had no excuse for any of it. He really was an idiot, an idiot who couldn't even apologize to the best friend he ever had.

The doctor's eyes perused him wearily. With guilt again pressing in on him at all sides, Jim listened to his friend's long-suffering sigh. "Listen, Jim. It's okay," Bones said, his shoulders slumping just an inch. "I know it's hard, and it's late, and I know what you're trying to say, but don't worry about it. Get some rest. Keep Sam near, out of her case, even tonight, alright?"

"She made me uneasy. They both did." After the compassion Bones showed him, the admittance rolled off his tongue. "And I'm off my game. But I can't be, Bones."

"Your mom? Roark?" Bones' hand abandoned his device and he reached up and squeezed Jim's shoulder.

Of course his mother. Who else could have this much control over him yet be so far away?

"You'll feel better in the morning, especially after your swim," Bones said, frowning. "You are still doing that, meeting Spock? Laps in the pool?"

"I am. Every day," Jim said, looking at Bones quizzically. "I thought you knew that."

"You're a hard person to track," Bones grumped as Jim got up from his chair. "I don't know your schedule anymore."

Jim read between the lines, realizing what he should have done in the first place. "Meet me for breakfast tomorrow." Jim made eye contact with his best friend. Bones' eyes filled with surprise. "Like old times."

"Like old times?" Bones repeated.

"The best times, Bones," Jim said quietly, knowing exactly what Bones was thinking and not wanting him to believe that Jim still thought of those misconstrued memories, although he did. He couldn't help but think of what the Re'an had forced him to believe, those times Bones purposefully and consistently 'missed' their breakfast meetings. It was the very reason he hadn't mentioned the idea again in the first place the past two weeks. He was scared, apprehensive of something that hadn't even happened in the first place and it was time to move past it, if not for his benefit, then for his best friend's.

There was a long pause from the doctor, then a soft smile from Bones that Jim basked in. Jim wondered why he'd waited so long. "Captain, I wouldn't miss it for the world, but you're wrong about one thing."

"About...about what?" Jim held his breath.

"Those weren't the best times," Bones said, making Jim's stomach tie up in knots even though the doctor's eyes warmed. "These are, the times we're in right now."

Oh. Jim looked down at his idle hands, the knots in his stomach loosening at the unexpected words.

"I mean it, Jim," Bones said softly.

"Even with Sam?" Jim glanced up and sent Bones a hesitant, half-smile. Bones had forgiven him for his hurtful words all too easily. "And my idiotic behavior?"

"Couldn't have a better time without them." Bones inclined his head towards the door. "I'll walk you to your quarters, even though I may in fact have much better things to do with my time, you know. I am the CMO."

"And I'm the captain."

"That's debatable." Bones deadpanned. "Come on, kid. I'll make sure you're tucked in for the night."

"Can you read me a story, too, dad?" Jim quipped, barely catching himself before he actually whined and revealed that he really wanted Bones to do just that. Anything to stop the constant thinking.

"Infant," Bones muttered under his breath.

As Jim followed Bones out the door, he couldn't help but smile to himself. Bones was grumpy like usual, but as always, it was an endearing, heart-warming facade. Somehow, the mixture of kindness along with the doctor's scowl dissolved the tension between them, as it had countless times before. Yet it did nothing to dispel the constant need Jim had to mentally list, matter-of-factly and for perhaps the millionth time in his short life, everything he may have done to push his mother away since the very day he was born.

---

A/N: Just a short note. If you can sense that Jim took a few steps back, you're right. He did, poor guy, and it's not the best timing for it. More on that next chapter.