One day, Fox McCloud was walking down the streets of Mexico. Then all of the sudden, he came across a magic teakettle.
"Wow!" said Fox. "A magic tea kettle! I will wipe it with this banana peel to see what happens!" So Fox rubbed banana all over the teakettle. He rubbed it so hard aw yeah that's good rub that banana mm-mm good. Then, out of nowhere, the teakettle started shaking and was making a high-pitched shrieking noise similar to that of a constipated clown.
After about three and half minutes of that, the teakettle exploded and Spider-Man popped out.
"Holy cactus-humping donkey nuts!" said Fox. "It's motherfucking Spider-Man!"
"Yes, Mr. Fox, it is I!" said Spider-Man. "I will now grant you two wishes."
"Oh boy!" said Fox. "I wish for a bucket of soap!" So the Spider-Man did his funky Spidey Dance and a bucket of soap appeared. "Cool!" said Fox. "Now I can tell Falco I witnessed a bucket of soap!"
"What is your final wish?" Spider-Man said.
"I wish you were sexy." said Fox. So then Spider-Man became sexy. After seeing Spidey's new look, Fox and Spider-Man rolled on the ground and did the mansex for many days to come.
Meanwhile, in a house only a block away, Cap'n Crunch was sitting on his couch eating his alphabet soup and catching up on the episodes he missed of Breaking Bad. Then all of the sudden, Cap'n Crunch got a Facebook message. It was from Shadow the Hedgehog. Shadow told Cap'n Crunch to come to the church in Station Square because they had to discuss important matters. So Cap'n Crunch got in his boat and sailed to Station Square, destroying all the backyard fences in his path.
When Cap'n Crunch got to the church, he saw Shadow reading his bible like a good Christain Hedgehog.
"I'm glad you made it, Mr. Crunch." said Shadow. Normally Shadow has a dark and edgy voice, but this is MY canon motherfucker, and in MY canon, he sounds like Tommy Wiseau.
"What's the plan, Shadow?" said Crunch.
"I discover who has the ancient Shrek mask." Shadow said. "It's the Goof Troop. We have to travel to Chocolate Realm and Stop Goofy." Then, out of nowhere, Goku came rolling into the church. Goku had to be in a wheelchair because the mafia broke his legs. So Shadow, Goku, and Cap'n Crunch teleported to the Chocolate Realm to go stop the Goof Troop.
As soon as the three heroes arrived to the Chocolate Realm, they saw George W. Bush rapping to Lil' Wayne.
"You Amuricans should boogy!" said Bush. But the heroes just ignored him and moved on.
"We should go on the boardwalk!" said Goku.
"Great idea!" said Cap'n Crunch. So they went to the boardwalk.
The heroes were walking on the boardwalk for so long that they finally reached the end of the boardwalk. Nobody has ever seen the end of the boardwalk. Seriously, when you go to the beach, have you ever hit the end of the boardwalk? Yeah, I didn't think so. So what was at the end of the boardwalk? It ended up being a giant picture of Donkey Kong. Yeah, just him in a white background. However, upon closer inspection, directions to Donkey Kong's house were written in the bottom right corner.
"Maybe good ol' DK can tell us where to find the Goof Troop!" said Goku. So they set off to Donkey Kong's house.
After reaching Donkey Kong's house, they walked in and saw good ol' DK himself smoking extreme weed. He offered the gang to smoke with him, so they did, but while they were getting high as shit, the smoke from all those joints opened a portal to Goofy's fortress. So Shadow, Goku, Cap'n Crunch and Donkey Kong jumped in.
"Gawrsh! Ya'll punk asses here already?" said Goofy, as he witnessed the four heroes teleport into his lair.
"Yeah! Now give us the Shrek mask!" Goku yelled.
"Only if Shadow can beat me in Avenue Pummeler a-hyuck!" Goofy said. So Shadow and Goofy got their Mountain Dew and Doritos and started playing vidya games. There was a problem, however. Shadow has never played this game before! So he had no choice but to ask Cap'n Crunch for tips while playing.
"How to jump?" said Shadow.
"X." said Cap'n Crunch.
"How to walk?" said Shadow.
"Use WASD" said Cap'n Crunch.
"How to use special?" said Shadow.
"Press XXYLRXALGBTQABTJRJLJJJJJJM." Said Cap'n Crunch.
So Shadow used his special move and defeated Goofy. Goofy was cry. So the four heroes took the Shrek Mask and went home to have a pizza party, but then all of the sudden, Goku's wheelchair became possessed! The wheelchair drove away and left poor Goku sitting on his ass on the cold, hard ground.
Goku's wheelchair drove all the way to my OC, Uncle Poopybutt's house. Uncle Poopybutt was delighted to see a wheelchair friend. So Uncle Poopybutt did sex with Goku's wheelchair. They had bionic human babies and lived happily ever after.