The Pain of Love
He heard it. Strong, clear, echoing against the walls. A single stroke, a slash at his arm, his back, his leg.
"Stop… please, stop!"
Tears, salty, hot, wet tears cascading down his cheeks. He was so weak, so useless.
He strove to forget this memory, the memory that held him back, and searched the abyss of his mind to leave this memory.
"I never had the strength….If I had been brave enough, I could have…"
Toohru. So strong. To live by herself, to continue in this world by herself though her parent's had died. Never had he seen her despair, she had always been so strong. She had made her pain into rays of sunshine. She was a candle, lighting up the room with her spirit and vitality. She was so much more then he was.
He himself was worthless. Entirely worthless. Everyone else, they had persevered despite their pains, but he… he had cried. Cried as he felt the whip upon his skin, cried as Akito stepped into the room, cried even now—though the tears had become silent.
He had hoped some of Toohru's strength would be granted to him. He had hoped to face Akito, despite the memories it brought him. He had thought he had forgotten about Akito, after all, he had gone so far as to go against Akito that blistery New Year's night. But it was not to be, he could not set aside the pain of his memories.
His body was frozen in time, his mouth would not form words, his brain would not process. There he stood. Akito. His greatest fear.
Toohru's strength had kept him from his fears, but his fears had not disappeared as she pushed Akito away. Yuki had been paralyzed at the sight of him, and it haunted him even now, the feeling of the fear that had surrounded him that day.
This fear he felt. It was a fear that he brought with him everywhere.
"You're a freak… They'd hate you…"
In his heart, Yuki knew it was right, what Akito had said. Friendship. He had never had friendship, no true friend to rely on always. Admirers he had, but he was no more then an object to them. An object to covet and to use to feel superior.
As much as he strived, he could not lose his fear. He remembered that day, when one of the girl's had asked him for a date, and he had refused.
"You shut everybody out… You think you're better then us."
He had wanted to yell to her—"No!"
But what she said was true. He did shut everyone out. But it was not because he thought he was better then everyone else. It was for a fact that he believed in his heart was true—he was worse then "us." He had no strength, no love, no happiness to give anyone—he was worthless, no more then a boy haunted by fears and memories long past.
This fear he felt, it was not just a fear of Akito, it was a fear of people.
If I let you love me…. You will hurt me…
When had he lost the innocence of childhood? When had he lost that feeling—the feeling that no matter what you do, you will be loved? Perhaps it was when Akito had spoken to him, and told him the hate of others. But maybe he never felt that innocence, maybe he never possessed it, because he always knew the truth.
People fear, and then they hate, and if they love me, they will hurt me. And a useless person like me does not want love, or anymore pain. I have suffered too much already, and look what it has done.
The day was bright, light shone from the sky onto the wooden porch where the two men sat, sucking in the beauty of summer. Shigure looked at Hatori and spoke,
"If you can be hurt by someone, you can also be healed by another…"