A/N: This is a WIP. You'll see the flip near the end. I'm going to say the first part is post-Carrot or Stick, and the end is post-Bombshells. The title of this fic is "Man I Want to Be." It's BASED off of a song by Chris Young, but House is not in any way religious. I just want it to symbolize how much he wants to change.
Prologue
House looked through the newspaper for perhaps the fifth time, trying to find something interesting to catch his eye. Cuddy was holding her ground on the getting cable issue and he was running out of things to do. His eyes straying to Rachel, he frowned at the toddler's antics, unsure of what, exactly, she was doing. There was a slight hobble to her step as she made her way across the living room, babbling and talking to herself. It was as if there was something wrong with one or both of her legs. "Rachel, come here."
The two-year-old froze and slowly turned her head to look at House, biting her lip.
House rolled his eyes when he realized the brisk tone he'd used and the reason for her wariness. "Please," he added in an effort to sound more gentle.
Though the tone was nearly the same, Rachel slowly and hesitantly made her way toward him, not knowing if she was in trouble.
The hobble was gone. House frowned and lifted her so she was sitting on his left knee. "Do your legs hurt?"
Realizing she wasn't in trouble, her mouth twisted into something resembling a bashful smile and shook her head. Her eyes were perpetually wide and innocent, shining with something akin to adoration.
The expression on her face suddenly made House uncomfortable so he did a quick visual check, pulling the legs of her tiny capri pants up to make sure there were no bruises or other injuries. "So nothing is wrong with you?" he double-checked doubtfully.
"Nope," she responded brightly, shrugging and then giving him a wide smile.
House's mouth twitched and he rolled his eyes at his soft-hearted response. The Cuddy women were ruining him. "Alright, go play." He patted her diaper-clad bottom and helped her down.
The kid was an odd part of his life, and he wasn't sure what his role was supposed to be. Temporary babysitter when Cuddy needed him? He didn't participate much in any capacity when Cuddy was home, except on the rare occasions when she cooked. There were a few times where he'd gotten up with her in the night or helped her do certain things, excluding the nightmarish event where she swallowed a dime. House raised his eyebrows when she turned to look at him to see if he was watching before giving him a ridiculously cute but needless smile. There was a certain fondness for the child that couldn't be denied. After training with her to get her into that prestigious pre-school, a mutual understanding grew between them. Rachel's personality was coming out more around House, and he couldn't believe he had ever thought she was dull or unintelligent.
It wasn't until after dinner that House noticed her staggering oddly again. When she added her plastic T-ball bat into the mix, the pieces fell into place. He almost wanted to laugh but there was a certain degree of offense that he took from the realization. "Cuddy, your kid is making fun of me!"
Cuddy walked into the room, drying her hands on a dish-towel, massively confused by the statement. A grin slowly spread across her face when she caught sight of her daughter. "She's not making fun of you," she quickly dismissed. "She's trying to be like you. Aren't you, Rach?"
Rachel nodded happily. "Just like daddy!" she exclaimed jovially.
Cuddy froze, staring at her daughter and suddenly afraid to look at House. She bit her lip and chose her words carefully. "You mean just like House." Fear gripped her heart, afraid that the man she loved would bolt because of one little word, innocently executed with the overwhelming weight of something that could ultimately end their relationship.
Rachel nodded innocently. "Daddy House." Her eyes flickered to House and she gave him a shy smile. The word didn't seem wrong to her, and she didn't understand the sudden fear in her mom's face.
Cuddy cleared her throat and crouched to Rachel's level. "Baby, he's not…He's just House."
House was dumbstruck and oddly touched. At the same time, he had to fight the abrupt urge to surge to his feet and get the hell out of there. It was one thing for Cuddy to put that kind of trust in him, hoping one day that he would be able to truly be the man she needed and expected, but it was a whole other thing when it was Rachel who was looking at him with utter adoration and trust. Rachel was just a baby, a tiny body full of innocence and exuberance. Her trust in him was unfounded and the obvious worship in her eyes was enough to emotionally cripple him.
"Daddy House," Rachel corrected earnestly, frowning.
Cuddy opened her mouth to try to explain parentage to her daughter, but House beat her to the punch. "Let her call me whatever she wants. 'Least it's not Pookie Bear." House gave Rachel a mock pointed look. "That is not to say I don't have a few nicknames in mind for you as well, Stinkie."
House's mouth twitched at the smoldering look Cuddy sent him. Apparently his choice to allow her daughter to call him whatever she pleased was a good one, with rewards to be reaped.
"Don't call her Stinkie," Cuddy immediately berated.
"If the shoe fits," House quipped, picking up the medical journal he'd been perusing and winking at his girlfriend.
Cuddy rolled her eyes and hid a happy grin. She didn't know what to say or how to react. House allowing her daughter to call him daddy was huge, but at the same time, did he realize how huge? "Come on Rachel, it's time to take a bath and brush your teeth." When she stood up to help her daughter to the bathroom, the little girl dug her feet in. Cuddy tugged on her hand. "I'm not playing, baby girl." The warning was clear in her voice as was the look on her face.
Rachel glanced at House pleadingly and his eyes widened, realizing she was trying to play the other parent card. Hesitating and wondering how this whole thing worked, he snarked, "Let her stay up five more minutes."
Shocked, Cuddy's hold on Rachel's hand slackened enough for her to slip away. Rachel sprinted for the sofa and threw herself onto the spot directly beside House, smiling happily and adoringly up at him. She quickly slipped her tiny hand into his, and House's eyes widened. Testing Cuddy's boundaries seemed to have backfired a bit.
Cuddy was frustrated and confused. Whatever House was playing at was not funny. Contesting her in front of Rachel and undermining her authority was unacceptable, even if there was something cute about it. "If you take a bath and brush your teeth, daddy will read you a story and tuck you in." Two could play that game.
Twenty minutes later, House stood in the doorway to Rachel's room. He didn't know what he was doing. The urge to leave while Cuddy was giving her a bath had been a strong one and it took all his will-power to resist. "Let's get this over with kid," he said drolly when Cuddy gave him an expectant look. He motioned for her to be on her way. He didn't need her to witness his humiliation; her knowing what was going on was enough.
Digging her heals and staying was tempting, but Cuddy didn't need House to disappoint her daughter just because she wanted to witness the bedtime interaction. She kissed Rachel's forhead. "Goodnight, baby."
"G'night, Mommy. Love you."
"I love you too." On her way out of the room, she gave House an ironic smile and passed the small girl into his arms. Her eyes rolled when the door was emphatically shut behind her.
House looked down at the little girl and shook his finger at her. "You're getting me in good with your mom but there's something up here." He smirked when she giggled and leaned into him. He was uncomfortable with the situation he got himself in, but he was almost certain that his chances of getting lucky were hinging on these moments. "Did your mom put you up to the daddy thing?" he asked thoughtfully. Purposefully putting the thought into her daughter's head and setting her up for eventual hurt didn't sound like Cuddy, but it could also be a trick to try to ensnare him.
Rachel shook her head, not really understanding the question.
"Who said I was your dad, kid?" House asked directly.
"'Rina," Rachel supplied.
Marina. Of course. The fact that House didn't think of her before was surprising, and he rebuked himself for his idiocy. He was surprised when Rachel broke into this thoughts and kissed his cheek. "Rachel—" He sighed when she snuggled into his side. What was he doing? She was way too cute to push away and tell her to stop being a child. She was a child, and she couldn't help that he was in a position that could really hurt her in the long run. He would mess up eventually, and, while hurting Cuddy was unthinkable, hurting Rachel was something he wouldn't be able to live with himself for. The truth was, though, he was the male role model in her life at the present. The thought of her realizing that never crossed his mind before, though it should have. "I don't know if I can be your dad," he said quietly.
Rachel looked up at him and blinked, her wide eyes holding none of the uncertainty that his did. It was taking a lot of effort for her to keep her eyes open, and House realized that she was not privy to the complicated thoughts taking up residence in his mind. She was a tired toddler who wanted to be tucked in by her…father.
House rubbed a tired hand over his face and picked up the top book off of a stack on her little bookshelf. Goodnight Moon. He rolled his eyes and proceeded to sit in the rocking chair by the window to read the book, trying not to be effected by Rachel's apparent cuddly nature and her baby sighs.
When the story was read, House carefully stood up and placed her in her crib. He pulled the blankets up and turned away. "Night daddy," Rachel mumbled, turning onto her side away from him. House stood in the doorway, unsure how to respond. Turning away, he merely turned off the light and walked out of the room.
"Marina," House announced when he let himself into Cuddy's bedroom.
Cuddy frowned and looked up at him, placing the book she'd been reading on her bedside table. "You're trying to tell me you're having an affair with my nanny?"
Mouth twitching, he shrugged. "What can I say, gravity is beginning to take over." He leered at her braless chest before switching moods. "Marina planted the seed into that child's noggin."
What would possess her? Cuddy was suddenly furious at her nanny. The likelihood of House taking off after something so huge was monumental. She could have lost House because of something her nanny probably said in passing to her daughter.
"You're mad?" House asked, surprised.
Cuddy rolled her eyes and gestured for him to climb into bed with her. "Shoes off," she hurriedly reminded him. Smiling when he complied, she pulled him to her so his head was resting on her chest.
"Mm." He nuzzled her chest, using his scruff to elicit a throaty chuckle from her.
"I want to talk first," she protested, laughing and pushing his face slightly away. He pulled back and settled against the headboard, positioning his leg so he wouldn't be in so much pain. "You said you don't care what Rachel calls you—"
"I-" House struggled for the words she wanted to hear. He knew it was a big deal, but he didn't want to talk about what a big deal it was. "She wants a father. She might need one, eventually. I can't say that I'll be good at it but I can...pretend."
Cuddy let her head fall back onto the headboard. She was afraid that was going to be his response. "House, you're an amazing man. You've come so far in the past few years, but I don't expect you to suddenly become a father to my child."
"She does," House pointed out quietly.
"Rachel doesn't realize how huge of a deal this is," Cuddy pointed out. She sighed and kneaded her forehead. "I assumed that one day she would connect you with that role, but I never really expected you to try to take it on. I never thought you would ever respond in a positive way."
House turned on his sideto face her. "Rachel is a good kid. She has emotional needs or whatever, and I'm willing to fake it 'til I make it." He gave her a sad, half-smile. He knew he was doing nothing more than trying to pacify Cuddy, make her happy. She was his priority, but he was doing things for the wrong reasons. Eventually, they would all end up hurt over his decision, but he would let everyone enjoy it until then. "Besides, I couldn't let Lucas show me up."
Hiding a grin at the thinly veiled disgust at Lucas's name, she carefully said, "I thought for sure you would run when she said that word."
House debated telling her that the thought never crossed his mind, but he quickly dismissed that idea. She knew him better than that. "I more than thought about it," he admitted reluctantly. "I almost did it. I'm going to-I could possibly end up hurting you and therefore her, and I guess the possibility of that never exactly entered my mind. I never even thought she would connect me to that role in her life, even if you did." It wasn't that he wanted or didn't want the role. He just never thought of himself as anything other than Cuddy's boyfriend. It made sense in hindsight that she would eventually connect the two, but that didn't make it any easier to swallow. The faking it would take some effort on his part and he was almost positive that he would never actually make it, but he was going to try for Cuddy's sake.
"House," Cuddy said resignedly, "if you're always dooming yourself to fail, then you're going to fail. Like I said before, I don't really expect you to fall into the role, but if you want to—"
"I don't want you to start pushing her off on me. I'll make more of an effort to be nice, but I don't think much more can change in my actual taking part."
Cuddy bit her lip. "Do you want to be a parent?" she asked timidly. It was unreal that she was even having such a conversation with House of all people, but she had to know.
The look on House's face was a mix between offense and mockery. "Do you know me at all?" He then thought about it, treading carefully into a subject he was highly uncomfortable delving into. "I love..you. Rachel is a part of you—maybe not biologically but in every other way—and I see that. I'm fond of the kid. I never—" He sighed. "I never wanted to be a parent, but I'm willing to try."
That was unexpected. An outright no was more of the anticipated answer, but he was willing to try. "You can't go against my authority," she said firmly, remembering his game with the bathtime/bedtime issue.
House smirked and puffed out his chest. "I'm the man and you'll do as I say, woman." He deflated when she smacked his chest.
"None of that, House," Cuddy warned, fighting the giddy grin that wanted to burst forth. She felt like she was in a dream. House was the love of her life and against all odds, he wanted to be a father to her daughter.
House was caught off guard when Cuddy practically threw herself into his arms. He laughed when she started placing kisses all over his face. "You're giving me cooties," he whined when the joking kisses turned softer and longer.
Cuddy ignored the jibe. Her heart was nearly overflowing with love for this man, and she was going to show him how much he meant to her. "I love you, House," she said softly, carefully lifting her leg over him and placing it so both knees were on either side of his hips. "I love your scruffiness." She placed an open-mouth kiss below his ear. "I love your eyes and how they follow me everywhere," she whispered. Her teeth latched onto his earlobe, eliciting a low moan as his eyes fluttered shut. "I love your apparent love for my body." Her tongue darted out to sooth the light bite on his earlobe as his hands slid around her hips as if to emphasize her point. "I love your lips." Her mouth traveled from his ear, down his jaw, to his lips. Her teeth nipped playfully at his lips before he seized her in a searing kiss and rolled them so he was on top.
"If you keep singing my praises, we'll never get around to the fun part," he panted. His hands were inching under her shirt, and he wanted the barriers to be gone already.
Cuddy huffed playfully but allowed him to take over. There would be plenty of time to tell him every little thing she loved about him.
House slowly opened his eyes, catching sight of the small figure standing in the doorway. "Go back to bed," he whispered, tightening his arms around Cuddy. He was worn out, and he didn't want to wake Cuddy to deal with her child.
Rachel ignored him and walked closer to the bed. "Daddy," she sniffled. Right. He forgot about that. According to the toddler, she was his responsibility too.
House rolled his eyes. "Go away." The sniffling increased and he stifled a groan. It was a good thing Cuddy made him put his pajama pants on or this would be an embarrassing endeavor. "I'm coming," he muttered.
Rachel held up her arms when he limped to her, and he picked her up. "Ugh," he said, pulling her from his body and exiting Cuddy's room. "You're…wet."
Rachel cried softly and tried to cling to him, but he kept her at arm's length until they got to her room. "Stop, kid," he muttered, situating her on the changing table and flipping on the lights. "Don't be such a baby."
He pulled her soaked pants off and replaced her Pull-Up. "It makes no sense that you would get urine all over yourself when this thing is barely even wet." He tossed the barely wet Pull-Up into the trash. "I'm not finding you any new clothes so you can either put your wet pajamas back on or…stay naked."
"Do you know where your sheets and blankets are?" he asked, realizing that it wasn't just her that was wet but also her bedding. "I wish you could talk a bit more. Intelligent conversation is hard to come by, and I have no doubt that yours would be more stimulating than most." His mouth twitched at the pitiful picture that Rachel made. Her hair was matted and tangled horribly, and her face was red and splotchy from crying. She was naked save for her diaper, and the pout that had taken up residence on her face was ridiculous in the best of situations.
"Would you be good camping out on the couch?" he asked hopefully, already knowing the answer. Rachel just sniffed in response. "There goes my morning delight."
"Don't talk like that in front of her, " Cuddy said sleepily when he reentered the room with Rachel in his arms. He looked at her in askance and she gestured to the baby monitor on the bedside table. "She doesn't need to hear about your want for a morning delight."
"She doesn't even know what that is," House muttered, releasing Rachel, who immediately climbed up the bed and into Cuddy's arms. "So I guess that's me who will be camping out on the couch."
"House, just lay down. She's a baby, hardly bigger than a sack of potatoes."
"A sack of potatoes poses no risk to my bum leg. Plus, she's a cuddler."
"I'll be between you and her. Anyway, I'm a cuddler."
"You give me sex," House pointed out reasonably. "Besides, I like your lithe, amazing body pressed up against me."
Cuddy rolled her eyes. "Turn out the hall light and lay down. I'm tired and I'm guess Rachel's gonna be able to sleep in. I'm guessing she climbed out of her crib again?"
"Guess it's time for an actual bed," House muttered, limping to do as she bid.
"You gonna set it up?" Cuddy asked slyly, noting with some satisfaction that Rachel had already drifted back to sleep.
"No. I'm a cripple. I'll supervise while you and Wilson set it up," he said glibly, sliding into bed behind her. "I'm still going to fondle you."
"It's okay. She's asleep." Her eyes popped open moments later, and she grabbed his hand where it started to creep between her legs. "I said fondle, House. We're not going to have sex right next to her."
"I didn't say what I was going to fondle," he argued defensively. His hand slid back up her stomach and rested on her breast, tweaking the nipple and chuckling when Cuddy snuggled against him.
"I love you, House," Cuddy said contentedly.
House moved his hand down and rubbed her stomach affectionately. "Go to sleep, Cuddy."
Cuddy smoothed Rachel's hair down, pondering the night's events. She had never, in her wildest dreams, imagined things could go as well as they were going.
House rubbed his leg, feeling as if his world was crashing down around him. For weeks, he had felt like he was truly part of a family, but it had been nothing more than a grand delusion. It hadn't been perfect, and he had still steered clear of Rachel to avoid her childish "daddys" and sticky fingers, but it no longer mattered. He wasn't a father and he certainly wasn't Cuddy's whatever.
He needed her more than he's ever needed anyone or anything in his entire life, but he couldn't be that guy. She needed him to stand by her side as she was given scary news, but he was too scared, too cowardly to watch her die.
He stared at the pills in his hand. They symbolized Cuddy's loss of faith and House's loss of a family. Of love. There were no more chances for him. He was irredeemable. "Dammit," he whispered, tossing the pills into his mouth and dry swallowing them.
It wasn't until twenty minutes later, as they physical pain abated, that he thought of Rachel's face. Every time he walked out the door, she asked to go with him. He would gruffly tell her he had to work or go home and she would accept his answer, albeit with a few tears. He thought of her adoration. He'd been so afraid of hurting her but so willing to try to be what she wanted in those little moments when he thought maybe there was something inside of him that could be everything Rachel and Cuddy needed him to be. In doing that, the hurt was worse than ever.
How could a two-year-old understand why her "daddy" was no longer there? There was no relief for him. "God dammit," he yelled, throwing the pill bottle across the room. He pushed himself up, inexplicably angry.
Cuddy just walked away. She didn't try to fight, and she didn't try to understand how much he needed her! It was her fault he was in so much pain, and it was her fault that Rachel was going to end up hurt. She should've known better than to allow him to be around her child. She'd given him hope, and he had gotten comfortable. Then she just…left.
House struck out at the mirror and watched with a certain detached satisfaction as the mirror shattered. He felt his knuckles split and felt the bones crack.
The blood leaked onto the floor, and he made a sudden split second decision after remembering the last time a mirror was broken in his bathroom. He grabbed a hand towel and sloppily wrapped his hand.
The memories contained within the walls of his apartment hurt almost as much as watching Cuddy walk away, out of his apartment and out of his life. Well, his personal life because work was something he could only avoid for so long.
House grabbed a few days worth of clothes and all the Vicodin in his apartment before heading to a hotel. First thing in the morning, he would head to the bank and clear out his account. It was time for some R&R away from everything that reminded him of Cuddy and…her daughter.