a.n. So this is my first attempt at a first person fic. Probably going to suck. Also, if you don't like Angst, this one shot isn't going to be for you. This is set near the end of season 3. Castle and Beckett got together at the end of season 2.

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.

xxxx

We had been dating for 10 months when it all went to hell. Her mom's case had come up again, and despite everything, she wouldn't let it go. Believe me I tried. All that did was make her run from our apartment. She had been living with me for just a month at that time. We were happy, and then all of a sudden, we weren't.

Looking back on it now, I wish more than ever that the bullet had hit me. I'd do anything to keep her from that pain, anything. I know I should have thought about my daughter when trying to jump in front of that bullet, but I didn't. All I could think about was that the woman I loved more than life was in danger, and that I'd rather be dead than live in a world where she was no longer living. It was selfish, but I'd do it again over and over again if I thought I could get there in time. Unfortunately I didn't.

Our relationship was on rocky ground at that time anyways. The fight that we had still rings in my ears to this day.

"You don't know me, Castle. You think you do, but you don't. I've spent this last year with the class clown, and it's been fine. But it isn't anywhere near enough."

I wasn't enough. Soon thereafter she stalked out of our loft, slamming the door after her. Slamming the door on us. Even with that fight. Even with her choosing that damn case over me, again, I still came to the hanger that night. I still saved her life, because I loved her and she was my partner.

Then the funeral happened and the sniper and…well let's just say that wasn't an easy time for anyone on our team. It felt like my life had ended when I saw that bullet wound in her chest. I wanted it to end. It should have been me, I kept thinking to myself. This is all my fault. It should be me. I told her one last time that I loved her, so she would know. Despite out fight, despite the angry and hurtful words, I still loved her. She needed to know that.

The ride to the hospital is something I'll never forget. Never. How do you even begin to cope with something like that? She died. Twice. The woman I loved was dead and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. I felt so useless.

The waiting was almost as hard. Waiting for the doctor to come out and let us know if she was alive. Those six hours were rough, not just for me, but for everyone. I tried to comfort her dad, but I know I didn't succeed. Alexis and Mother were there, both worried not only for Kate but for me. I tried to stay strong, not only for Kate, but for my family. I don't think I succeeded.

The doctor finally came and told us she was going to be alright, but that she'd be sleeping for at least 48 hours. He let Jim go back to her, but the rest of us couldn't see her. That hurt. A lot. I needed to know that she was okay. I needed to touch her, to make sure she hadn't left me.

I don't think I slept more than two hours during the next two days. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her bleeding out on the freshly mown grass of the cemetery.

When I was finally allowed to see her, I thought that it was going to be okay. She was alive, and we'd get through this together. Just like we always did. How could I have been so wrong?

That conversation in the hospital room is one that is burnt into my brain. I'll never forget it, no matter how much I try. Even knowing what I know now, it is still one of the most painful conversations I've ever had.

"Hey beautiful," I said, cautiously making my way to the side of her hospital bed.

"Hey, Castle." It was then that I knew something was broken between us. She only called me Castle when she was pissed. She looked away from me as I sat down.

Further evidence that something was wrong was when I went to take her hand and she pulled it away. That hurt. What had I done?

"Kate?" I asked, wondering what was going on.

She turned her head back towards me. "This is your fault," she whispered, pointing to the bandages on her chest. My breath caught, but I couldn't look away. I blamed myself for her getting shot, but never did I think that she'd blame me too. It hurt. More than I can ever say.

"Kate…I…"

"No, Castle. It's your fault. If you hadn't opened this case, I would have left it alone. I wouldn't be here in this bed. I…I need you to go. We're over. Please, don't make this harder than it already is. Just go and leave me alone."

I couldn't breathe. I looked at her in shock. She was breaking up with me? How could she do that? How did her getting shot change our love for each other?

But I remembered that she was right. It was my fault, and it would be for the best if I just left her alone. I loved her enough to do that for her. I talked myself into leaving that room. I told myself that it was for the best, that maybe she could move on and find happiness and put her mother's case behind her for good this time.

Just as I was about to cross the threshold of the hospital room door, I heard her say, "Castle?" I turned around to see tears running down her cheeks. "I don't want to see you ever again."

I left that room with my heart broken and my life over.

It took me a long time to get over my grief. At least I told myself that I was over it. Once Alexis went off to college a year later, I was back to normal, or at least I appeared to be. I'm the son of an actress, so I can act. Beneath it all, I was still hurting more each and every day I spent away from her. But I did as she asked. I stayed away. I abandoned all the friends I had made at the 12th, and started my new life. I finished the Nikki Heat series by allowing Nikki and Rook the happy ending that Kate and I never had. The ending we should have had.

I have to admit I worked harder on the dedication of the book than I did on the book itself.

To Kate. I'm Sorry. I'll love you always. Be happy.

I decided once Alexis had moved off to California to go to Stanford, that I needed a change of scenery. New York held too many memories for me, and not all of them were good ones. I packed up my belongings, and gave the loft to my Mother. I moved to Chicago, where I found a much smaller loft downtown. I admit for the first year I was very lonely. I kept to myself and researched for my new book which would be set in Chicago instead of New York.

My life changed again one cool October day. I had been out running, a hobby I had taken up when I moved to the Windy City. It helped me clear my mind and center my emotions, which helped me write faster.

I had just finished up and exited the stairwell on my floor when I came face to face with the last person I thought I'd ever see: Kate Beckett.

"Hi Rick," she said, giving me a small smile. I couldn't sort through the emotions flowing through me; joy at seeing her again, anger at how she had ended it, fear at why she had shown up. Needless to say I was confused. It had been years since we had parted ways.

"Detective Beckett," I said much more calmly than I felt.

"Actually it's not Detective. Just Kate. Can I come in?"

I nodded and went up to my door and unlocked it. "You can sit in the living room if you like, I'm going to change." I had been wearing my running gear which was much too casual for whatever conversation she expected us to have.

"You look great, Rick," she said, following me through my apartment. I pointed towards the couch.

"Thanks."

I made my way to my bedroom and decided that she could wait long enough for me to rinse off. While my new loft isn't nearly as big as the loft I had in New York, it was still luxurious. The attached bathroom was my favorite room in the house because of the shower. It had a huge waterfall-style showerhead, a built in music system, and an amazing tub that was more like a swimming pool than a bathtub.

After I quickly showered and changed into a pair of dress slacks and a blue dress shirt, I made my way back out to the living room.

I decided that I needed to know why she had come back at that particular moment. Small talk was okay, but I couldn't curtail my curiosity. "Why are you here after all this time?"

She hung her head, hiding her face behind a wall of hair. She looked as good as I remembered. Fit and healthy, she had her hair a little longer than it was when she had broken my heart. She shook her head and looked over at me where I had taken a seat. "I…God, I don't even know where to start, Rick. I was so terrible to you. I guess what I came here to say is that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Kate you don't have anything to apologize for. You were right. It was my fault."

"No, Rick," she said forcefully. "It wasn't. I should have never said that to you, but I had to get you away from me. I knew that they were going to kill me or at least try again. You tried to take that bullet for me. I couldn't lose you. I'd rather you hate me and be alive than love me and be dead. So I pushed you away the only way I knew how. I can't even imagine how that felt. I'm so sorry." She was crying now.

She didn't blame me? I couldn't even wrap my mind around what she was saying. She had pushed me away to keep me safe? At that moment I got so angry. Maybe it was all the feelings I had repressed over the last two years, but I exploded. "What about what I wanted, Kate?" I shouted. "How could you do that to me? I almost think it would have been better if you had blamed me for your shooting. Pushing me away to keep me safe," I huffed. "I loved you. I would have, should have, taken that bullet for you, just like you would have done it for me. Now, I mean what…why…I don't…" Words failed me. So many emotions were flowing through me at that moment I couldn't freely express any of them. I took a deep breath, trying to control myself and asked, "Why now. Why come here now and tell me this?"

I could tell she wasn't taking my reaction well. A part of me felt guilty that I had caused her this distress, but the biggest part of me felt justified that she felt at least some of the pain that I had suffered over our time apart.

She cleared her throat, then wiped away some of the tears that had fallen down her beautiful cheeks. "I know this is going to sound selfish, and it is. But I wanted to see you. The last two years have been terrible without you, Rick. It's all my fault. I needed you to be safe. So I pushed you away. I should have talked with you about it, but I didn't think about it. I just knew you couldn't die because of me. Now, the danger is over. I'm not expecting anything, but I needed you to know why I said what I said. I couldn't live with myself knowing what I had done to the man I love." She stood up, wiping yet more tears away from her face. "I'm going to go. I'm sorry, Rick, so sorry. I…I love you. I hope you've found happiness." With that she walked quickly towards the door.

I'm ashamed to say that I thought about just letting her go. My heart was broken, but I loved her even after how much she had hurt me. I hadn't had a date since before she and I got together, and I had no interest in any other woman. Even after all that time, she was still the only one I wanted. So I rushed after her.

"Kate!" She stopped at the door, tears still flowing down her cheeks. "Please, stay. I…just come back and we can talk, okay?"

She looked indecisive for a moment before nodding and following me back to our seats. We sat there awkwardly for several moments until I asked, "Why aren't you a detective anymore?"

"I quit. A few months ago I caught the man who ordered my mother's murder. After that I found that the job just didn't mean as much to me anymore. So I quit and thought about my life. I…I talked to your mom a few times. She helped me come to the conclusion that I'd always be miserable until I found you and we talked. So I came here."

"I don't…what are you going to do next?" I was trying to say I didn't know if I could forgive her, but then thought about it. I knew that it wouldn't have been true. If I wasn't going to forgive her, why did I stop her from leaving?

"I don't know. I…I want to get out of New York, really. I pushed everyone else away too, so there's nothing there for me anymore. My dad isn't too happy with me. We fought and I haven't talked to him in over a year. So I think I'll find somewhere new."

Silence fell between us again. What did you talk about with the person who broke your heart, even if it was for the right reasons?

"You look like you've been working out," she said finally.

"Yeah. I found that running helps me clear my head."

She looked down at the floor again, apparently at a loss for what else to talk about. The silence settled between us, me looking at her while she continued to stare at the floor.

"Rick?" she asked softly. I could tell she was crying again. She looked up at me and I could see that it would cost her a great deal to say whatever it was she was about to say.

"Yeah, Kate?"

"Is there any chance for us?" I looked at her, confused. What was she asking? Was she asking me to take her back? Asking me to forgive her?

"I…what do you want, Kate?"

"I want you to love me again," she whispered, clearly on the verge of a breakdown. "I want to take it all back. I want you to know how sorry I am. I want to forget the last two years. I want you. I just want you."

I sighed. What could I say to that? I knew what my heart was saying, yet my head told me that she'd just hurt me again. I've always been a forgiving person, and it has often led me to situations that led to more hurt than happiness. What did I want? I wanted her. What the hell, I thought, what's the worst that could happen?

I kissed her. It was heaven. It was like coming home. It was amazing. Anything you could or want to say about it, could be said. It is also the best decision I've ever made.

Now, sitting here in my wheelchair writing this, I know for sure that if she hadn't come to me that October day, I'd have been lost for the rest of my life. She's gone now, and I'll soon follow her. I never thought that I'd outlive her, but sometimes life just sucks. But I wouldn't give up our time together for anything.

The one thing I learned in my 79 years is that no matter how much you get hurt, love can always heal you. We got back together after that kiss, but it wasn't the same. It was so much better. I could tell that she was trying harder to make sure our relationship was equal and happy. She was open, and honest, and so much more than I could have ever hoped for. We got married two years after she came and found me in Chicago. We stayed there for the next 20 years before moving back to New York. I guess you can never really leave the Big Apple behind. We had three beautiful children, all of them, thankfully, taking after their mother in looks and intelligence. They got my eyes, though, so there's that. Kate never wasted a chance to tell me how they got their smarts from her. God I loved her. I love her. I'll never stop.

Fin.

a.n.2. So yeah, sad ending. Sorry that I didn't warn you. This started with the premise of what would have happened if they had been together when she was shot. Would she take off for three months again? Not sure how it ended up with him writing this after her death, but that's where it went.

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