Title: Things Not To Do In Middle-Earth
Rating: T
Summary: Some things you just don't do...
Disclaimer: Don't own, 'cause if I did I'd have a bigger bank account than I do... Meh.
'Kay, please tell me if this sucks/is okay/is good. So, in other words, please R&R!
Things Not To Do In Middle-Earth
No one was entirely sure where it had come from – it had just sort of… appeared one day, pinned to a wall in Minas Tirith; a scroll of parchment, with rough letters inked onto it.
Forming a rule – the first of many.
1. Jumping off the battlements is not allowed.
"I would have thought that was obvious," Aragorn remarked softly to himself as he studied the sheet.
His quiet musings were interrupted by a loud scream of "Whaheeeeeeey!" from above. He flinched and looked up, startled.
A small, armoured object flung itself off the wall above him, screaming in delight as it whistled towards the earth. Mere seconds before it hit the unforgiving ground it was jerked back up, by means of a rope strung to its feet.
There was a loud retching noise from above, and Aragorn nearly had a heart-attack there and then. Clutching his chest, he scrambled off to find out what in Mordor was going on.
And so it began.
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The next time Aragorn wandered past the fledgling list it had grown – he read the new line (in handwriting that was even worse than the first) with interest.
2. Starting food-fights in the stables is not allowed.
So that was why the horses and their handlers had looked a little worse for wear yesterday. Aragorn chuckled – he'd thought he'd seen bits of carrot stuck in Brego's mane, but when he'd picked the strange orange lump out his steed had swung around and eaten it straight out of his hand.
He shook his head.
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The King of Gondor found himself writing the next one up the next day, when he discovered a particularly disturbing cult that had been festering in the back streets and drinking-houses of Minas Tirith for quite some time now.
3. "Fellowship-ism" is not a religion.
He shuddered.
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He was out with Arwen when they saw the next one. The writing had sort of slanted, and the rule looked as though it was about to slide off the page.
They exchanged a glance and a smile and tilted their heads to the side to read.
4. You may not insinuate incestuous relationships. Between anyone.
"Do I want to know?" Aragorn muttered to himself wonderingly.
Arwen smiled and linked her arm through his. "Probably not," she confided, before leading him away.
She cast the growing list a wary glance over her shoulder.
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For some reason best known to themselves, Legolas and Gimli, with entourages in tow, had decided to come and pay the inhabitants of Minas Tirith an impromptu visit – the two parties had to be almost forced by their respective leaders into not descending into physical brawling.
But their presence seemed to be a catalyst for the growth of the already-popular list, and so it got longer.
Aragorn led the visiting pair to the rules once more additions had gone up, anticipating the looks on their faces with something akin to childish glee.
5. Dying the Elves' hair bright purple is… inadvisable.
Legolas sniffed in irritation and tugged angrily at his still faintly violet hair. Mere days before it had been literally neon purple – at night, Aragorn had been able to see the Elf's hair before his face.
It had been… entertaining.
Aragorn clapped him on the shoulder. "At least it washed out," he commiserated, holding back a smirk.
Gimli guffawed, and the Elf shot him an icy look.
6. If you want to live to see the year out, do not tease the dwarves.
Gimli went an angry red and mumbled something about "little brat deserved it".
Legolas and Aragorn exchanged a glance, both hiding smiles. An irate Gimli was not something either of them would wish on anyone.
Still grumbling, Gimli glanced back at the list.
And read the next one.
And grinned.
"Well, well," the dwarf remarked. "What is this?"
7. Legolas is not to be nicknamed "Leggie".
The Elf went bright red, in shocking contrast to his blond hair.
Aragorn smirked. "And who was that?" he asked pointedly.
Legolas mumbled something about one of the maids assigned to his rooms, and went even redder.
Gimli chuckled. "Looks like someone's got an admirer," he remarked in a throaty rumble.
The Elf's shoulders hunched, and he appeared to be trying to hide behind thin air.
Aragorn chuckled.
8. Or to be told "the fangirls are coming".
Aragorn and Gimli frowned. "What?" the King quizzed.
But Legolas himself…
The Elf had started shaking, wide-eyed and terrified.
"Oh dear." Aragorn patted the now-gibbering Legolas on the shoulder in support and raised one eyebrow at Gimli. "Do you ever worry about him?"
The dwarf chuckled. "All the time, laddie."
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After Legolas had recovered (which took a while – he'd been shivering in his room for at least two days) Aragorn walked out with him in the grounds – and they came across the list.
With a new addition.
9. You may not graffiti the White Tree.
Legolas nodded sagely – he'd been doing that a lot. Trying to make up for nearly going mad at the mere mention of the word 'fangirl'. "There are guards for a reason."
"Indeed," Aragorn agreed, memories of bright pink paint slathered all over the White Tree, vividly spelling out 'Man-love rules, OK' on the delicate trunk. "I am unsure of where they were, though…"
He shuddered.
His people were weird.
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Aragorn found the next one up a few days later – and he grimaced.
10. Don't dress up as a Nazgûl just to annoy/scare people. You might just lose your head.
Faramir, as he left his rooms, had been startled by a tall figure, cloaked in black without a face. That had shrieked in his face.
With a fierce cry that had echoed through the corridors, he'd whipped out his sword and swiped it at the creature's head. When said creature had shrieked once more, in a distinctly un-Nazgûl type way, and wrenched off its hood, revealing Éomer – visiting from Rohan. Éomer had yelped that it was him.
After staring at him fiercely, Faramir and merely lunged after Éomer once more.
He'd chased him around Minas Tirith twice before Aragorn had managed to intervene.
Faramir was still muttering about cleaving Éomer's head from his shoulders.
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