Walking in the Dark
Chapter 1: The Past
A/N: Angel Weasel-Woman and I are back with our headcanon. To better understand this fic, please go read "No Children", although it is not required. Also, regarding divorce papers mentioned in this chapter... I totally get that there is no way in Hell you could get them in a day, but for the sake of this fic, let's use a little 'literary leeway'.
For those like me too lazy to go read a small one-shot, here is a brief summary of the events thus far:
Yamato and Sora have been married since they were out of high school and had two children, a girl: Hanako, and a boy: Tsukuyomi. The marriage didn't last however, as Sora learned of Yamato's childhood abuse at the hands of his mother and in turned accused Yamato of repeating that abuse. They vowed to stay together no matter what, for the kids, but some things just can't mend.
Also note that Yamato and Jyou have hid their feelings for one another up until Yamato's marriage, then those feelings were pushed aside for the greater good, so to speak...
Jyou also has a child named Aiko that he was put in guardianship of after Aiko's parents both passed away.
Pairings include: Takari, Kenyako, Taishirou, one-sided Sorato, and Jyoumato.
Another month gone by, another 'meeting' with the guys. That had been the only thing keeping me going when I wasn't at home, being pushed around like a doll, except in the extreme case where I took shelter at Jyou's. I could just tell myself one more day and get through another month, but this particular month nearing the end of a brutally hot August, I got a strange phone call. Sora hadn't been home, therefore I could actually answer my own phone. I know it sounds strange, to hear how she pushes me around. She wasn't always like this, either. I blame her Mom more than anyone, for ruining a perfectly beautiful friendship. Still, this was the way things were. I took each slap of the wrist, each fight (and this woman could definetly hold her own), and each bad name and pushed it down. All that hate was mixed with the leftover hate I had for my own mother, somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach.
I hadn't picked up the phone in so long, it took me a moment to move my lips, "Hello?"
"Brother." Takeru. We hadn't spoken since Mom's health had started failing four years ago. She had gone into chemo therapy. So, I figured this call could only be about that.
"What's the matter?" I asked, trying to be as concerned as possible, like he had always wanted me to. He could see through this and scoffed. I could hear voices in the background.
"I shouldn't even be calling you," he hissed into the phone, "You don't even care except to satisfy your own curiousity."
"Get on with it," I snapped.
"Chemo isn't working for Mom anymore," Takeru said, and for a second I heard the little brother I used to know. The one that would plead with me to make everything okay. "I... I don't know how much longer she has left. I think you should come see her. But you won't. So..."
"...I miss you, you know," I admitted.
"I don't give a damn," Takeru cried. He hung up, but I'm sure he probably slammed the receiver down. I closed my eyes and set the phone down with a quick breath.
Then I heard the kids down the hall. Hanako was eleven now and her little brother was about eight... almost the same age Takeru and I had been. As I heard them arguing down the hall, I figured it was just a normal little spat and ignored it at first until I heard Tsukuyomi crying out. Almost as if he had tripped or something. It was strange. I rushed down the hall to his bedroom where I found the two of them in the middle of some kind of argument as I had guessed seconds earlier. Tsukuyomi was huddled next to his bunk bed with his hands guarding his little red head. Hanako raised her hand, her blonde locks flying back as she brought her hand down. I stormed over to her and grabbed her wrist, doing my best not to take out my own anger on her. "Hana-chan, what are you doing?" I breathed, looking at Tsuku. He was crying. She scoffed at me. I yanked her arm, "We don't hit, you know that."
"Mom hits you," she snapped, pulling her hand away from me. She rushed past me and towards her room. Go, your grounded! I wanted to scream, but my lips wouldn't move. In fact, my entire body wouldn't move. My eyes were locked on the empty air where Hana had been standing. Shaking, I turned to Tsukuyomi. He was whimpering a little and he crawled over to me, his arms gripping my waist as I slipped to my knees. I pulled him into my arms and hugged him tight.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered, trying to gasp for air. I didn't want to cry in front of him, so I just squeezed him tighter. He whimpered further in my arms and I set him down. "Tsuku..."
"Dad... are you okay?"
I smiled at him, letting a few tears escape. "Don't worry about me. I'm going to take care of you. Your sister, too. I... I..." I stood, my mind swimming. "I can't believe I let this happen..." I started laughing, holding my hand over my face for a moment and using my other hand to balance in the doorway of Tsuku's room. I could hear him distantly asking if I was okay, but I had to keep going. "What have I been doing all this time?!" I screamed in disbelief, hurrying down the hall. "Hana-chan..." I whispered, standing at her door. "Hana-chan, you're not in any trouble. I'm going to run an errand. Be good for Mrs. Satoshi for your Dad, okay?"
She looked up at me, wondering what the Hell had gotten into me. I grabbed my keys by the door and my coat, then slipped on my shoes, running out the door. I knocked quickly on Mrs. Satoshi's door. Normally, I tried to avoid her. If I did anything outside this apartment or made a noise that was even a bit in her hearing range, she was like a damn hawk, no- a parrot, reporting it to Sora in some exaggerated demonic sort of way. However, I wasn't going to have to deal with her much longer come this evening. I knocked again and she opened the door.
She was like a witch at Halloween with her wrinkled skin and gray hair. She normally had beady eyes, except around me, where they were reduced to slivers. I ignored her and pleaded quickly, "Can you watch the kids for a few hours?"
"Where are you going in the middle of the morning?" she sneered at me.
I shook my head with a laugh, "Will you?"
"Of course. Those kids are certainly better off in my hands than yours..." she smirked at me.
Whatever, you old hag, I thought. I proceeded quickly down to the courthouse. The entire trip took a part of the day and I knew the rest of the day would be spent waiting around for the divorce papers. On the way up the steps, I noticed Iori, on his way out.
"H-Hey," I said happily.
"Ishida-san," he said. "How long has it been?"
"Forever," I smiled.
"What are you doing down here?"
"I'm getting a divorce," I explained.
"You seem a little bit chipper for such an occasion..." Iori noted. He tucked his suitcase under his arm. "If you need anything, I can speed things along."
"I appreciate that," I replied, bowing slightly. I knew he had to get going and I had to hurry, too. Once I received the papers, I headed home, knowing I would do anything to help my kids not to grow up around the same fighting that turned Takeru into what he is now, the same whispers that made me what I was.
Mrs. Satoshi sneered at me when I walked in. Sora was beside her, looking cross. "Where were you?" Sora demanded, storming over to me.
I grabbed her arm and forced her hand out, shoving the papers in them. "This was where," I growled, "Fixing this shit once and for all."
"What are you..." she started, her eyes sweeping over the papers. I listened as she turned each page, occasionally looking up at me. She glanced to Mrs. Satoshi who left politely, leaving the two of us standing in the living room. There was an invisible line between us. "A divorce?" She laughed. Inside, I was, too. I knew she couldn't look me in the face as all compassion left me. Honestly, if I could have, I probably would have just killed her to make things go so much quicker. "This is a joke right?"
"No. It isn't," I told her.
"The entire world, your entire family, all of our friends-"
"Friends... family... you wouldn't let me see any of them, so what do they matter to me, now?"
"They'll all know what you are!" she barked, throwing the papers at me. "The entire world will know that the glorious Yamato Ishida is a perverted bastard!"
"...let them think what they want..." I whispered. I picked up the papers and took them over to the table. I had left one signature unturned and grabbed a pen from the desk. I signed my name as Sora screamed at me. She clawed at my back and I shoved her away. "Enough fighting!"
"What?"
"I don't care anymore, Sora!" I exclaimed. "Do whatever you want. I'll take whatever pain you feel you need to inflict on me... I just don't want my kids growing up in all this bullshit."
"The kids are fine-"
I wanted to argue what I had seen earlier, but if the kids were anything like Takeru and I, they were listening. I would be damned if Hanako blamed herself for this divorce. She was just the beautiful maiden cutting the wool from my eyes.
I started back to the bedroom and grabbed a suitcase. I began tossing a few clothes in, some mementos from the kids, and some of my old things. I grabbed my guitar and slung it over my shoulder, even though I hadn't touched the bass in a decade over now.
Sora was watching me in the doorway, "Yamato, you're not doing this."
"I am," I replied.
"No," she whined, stepping inside. I rushed to the door and locked her out, nearly catching her fingers in the door. She screamed and beat against the door. "I'll never let you out of this, Yamato. You're a husband and a father and you have responsibility to these children and me!"
"Exactly!" I cried.
"What... you think you're going to even stand a chance at the kids? Once everyone finds out what you do to them... You don't even talk to your own brother... why is that, Yamato? Think about it. Your mother's dying, isn't she? Your father is all you have left and he probably can't stand to see your face now."
Her words slowly sank in as I shut the suitcase. Was there a chance she was right? No. No, this was the right thing.
"Your kids will hate you, you know," she started haughtily. "You will be the reason they don't have a happy family, like you always wanted them to have. Way to keep a promise to yourself, Yamato. You're letting your kids down and yourself."
Shut up, I hissed, heading into the closet. I grabbed the box from the top shelf and took out the magnum. It wasn't loaded, but the bullets lay underneath in their case. I took a breath. I didn't want to hurt her or risk hurting the kids and she wasn't going to let me leave. I had no more options...
"Yamato!" she screamed, "Jyou will never LOVE you! He won't even look at you after he finds out what you are!"
Jyou... I wondered. Why... does she keep bringing him into this?
"Why do you think he never admitted his feelings for you, huh?!" she screamed. "You were just a pity fuck then!"
Sora? Jyou... has feelings for me? My hands were shaking and I sank against the end of the bed. I held the gun loosely. What choice do you have, now, Yamato? She's right... you're not gonna get your kids. Sora has a wonderful, happy family. What do you have? A train wreck. You're staying with a man who just... pities you. He never loved me...She's just saying that so you'll put the gun down. Don't put the gun down. For once in your life do something you want to do!
"He never loved you!" Sora screamed.
I looked around the room. The last thing I would ever see...
"No one in your entire life has ever loved you. Not me, not your father, your kids, your brother, your friends... maybe you should have realized that the first time!" Sora continued to berrate me, hoping I would drop the weapon. She did everything EXCEPT try and take it from me. She didn't care what happened to me...
Dragging that up again, huh? I laughed, holding the gun in my hand.
"In fact..." Sora said with a tone that matched an expression of pride, "The only one who ever loved you was Natsuko and we all know how well that turned out!"
Mom... Maybe I don't know what love is, still, now... I'll never know what it is. Hell, I was with the bearer of love for years now and it taught me nothing. I... She's going to take the kids forever. Everyone will believe her lies, just like the nieghbor...
Jyou... would you believe her, too?
I woke up to a white light. Everything slowly faded into focus and I could hear my throat trying to make sounds but it was sore. I went to reach up to touch it, but my arm was held down. I tried to move my other arm, but it was held down as well. I opened my eyes completely in a panic.
"Son, it's okay!"
"Dad...?" I whispered, feeling his hands on mine. Then he, too, came into focus next to me. I was in a room. A hospital room. I could hear beeping of monitors and everything smelled clean. "Dad, why am I here?"
"...you don't remember?" My father sighed, sitting back in the chair. He hadn't shoved for some time.
"Feels... like a dream," I told him.
"Son, you shot yourself in the head," he hissed.
Then all those thoughts came back to me and I crunched my eyes closed. "God... why didn't you just let me die?" I laughed.
My father stood at this and I could see his arm shaking. He would have surely hit me if the door hadn't opened. That was when I saw Jyou. His eyes were red but he was displayed in a full surgeon's uniform. It was a little different than his nights at the bar or lounging around at home. "He's awake. Thank goodness..."
"Jyou..." I whispered. "So, let me guess, Sora's told you everything?"
"She's out there being detained by Ken because she won't stop screaming about you, actually," Jyou replied with a smile that seemed a little playful.
"Sounds about right," I chuckled.
"What the Hell were you thinking?!" my Dad barked.
"...Dad... I'm sorry," I whispered. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I just didn't know what else to do..."
"Your mother is not two doors over and your trying to kill yourself?" he seethed, grabbing the collar of my hospital gown. Jyou stepped forward, but hesitated to get between us. "She's already given up and now you want to pull a stunt like this?"
"...I didn't know what else to do!" I repeated, trying to shake my hand free.
"Mr. Ishida," Jyou whispered. "Maybe you should take some time with your wife. Or, go to the roof and have a cigarette."
"...yeah," he grumbled, leaving the room. I had disappointed him and it hurt, but I couldn't change what I had done...
"Jesus, what's gotten into him?" I said. "So, can you get me out of these restraints now?"
"Yamato, damn it. This isn't a game. You nearly died!" Jyou barked. "You were dead for an entire two minutes!"
"...what?" I whispered, looking away from him.
"I was worried sick about you!" Jyou squealed. "Yamato..."
Then, the door opened again and I saw Takeru and Sora first. Jyou stepped back from my bed. Then, Taichi, Koushiro, Hikari, and Mimi joined us as well. The latter had smiles on their faces. Takeru and Sora however, looked down at me with disdain.
I had expected Takeru to come running in and hug me, but he just stood a foot from the end of my bed and glared at me. Sora was standing with him, her arms crossed. "Well, happy now? You've scarred the kids for life," Sora snapped.
"How low can you sink?" Takeru whispered. "All this to get out of seeing Mom, I'm guessing?"
"It's not like that, Takeru-"
"Tell him how it really is, Yamato," Sora snapped.
"Enough you guys," Taichi intervened. "Let's just be glad Yama's-"
"Shut it, gogglehead!" Sora demanded. "Yamato, you get your wish. I'll sign your damn divorce papers... but you know what? It will be a cold day in Hell before you see your kids again."
"Been there every second I've been with you," I smirked. After killing yourself, you kind of lose any fear you once had.
"What the Hell is your problem?" Takeru snapped. Any fear you once had... until your little brother isn't at your side wondering if you're alright...
I noticed Jyou had been darting his eyes between the three of us, but now he just sat in the chair Dad had been in, his head in his hands.
"She's been relentlessly accusing me of hurting my own children, she tricked me into marrying her by lying about being pregnant, she's generally just a hateful individual- anything else?" I said, swirling my wrist in the brace.
"All I can see is a woman who is trying to keep her family together," Takeru replied. "Kinda like Mom before you started with all your shit. I guess you just live to break up families, don't you?"
"Takeru, you take that back," I hissed.
"No, Takeru, go on, tell us. Tell us the truth about Yamato. He touched you, too, didn't he?" Sora smirked.
I looked at the others. Were they really going to buy this? Koushiro seemed his usual uneasy self, but that was mostly because his husband, Taichi, was debating how to break up the fighting for once in his life. Hikari had long been struggling with Takeru and me, so this was nothing new to her. She took Mimi and went to tend to the kids who were waiting with a few nurses outside.
"Takeru! Admit it," Sora demanded. She would've stepped closer to me, but Jyou was seperating us. I saw her put her hand on Takeru and I couldn't help but be reminded of how Jureimon had done this same little mind game on me. "He touched you... didn't he?"
I began to sweat a little. What Sora had asked had a smidge of merit to it. As a teenager, such thoughts plagued my nightmares and crossed my mind, but I never acted on them. For the first time in my life, as my mother lay ill a few rooms away, I felt like I understood her plight. If it hadn't been for the cancer... she could've controlled herself... but I was still too angry to admit what everyone had been telling me my whole life was that simple fact.
I glanced at Takeru, wondering if he would tell the truth. It was a shame I even had to wonder, but then again, I hadn't confessed those feelings to anyone but Jyou, who did glance up at me with a spec of doubt on his face. Takeru could have sensed my feelings through brotherly intiution, but I hoped now of all times he would just be quiet if that was the case.
Takeru... I can't tell what you're thinking... Nor could anyone else. We all waited for what he had to say. Takeru pursed his lips as he looked back at me... and he still remained silent.
"Oh, God, you did, didn't you?" Sora gasped at me. I was surprised she didn't point her finger while she was acting so melodramatic. Takeru looked down at his shoes. I closed my eyes. I didn't have time for this. That itch to kill myself slowly came back and I was kind of glad they had me tied down. "Look, he won't say anything, either."
"Because you're acting insane, Sora," Taichi defended.
"He's sick," Sora gagged, "Your own brother... If hurting an innocent child wasn't enough..."
Part of me did feel some weird nostalgia sickness, but currently I felt numb and beyond tired. I laid back and stared at the ceiling. Each word Sora threw at me was like another knife, like it had been for years. I was never going to escape her. I was an idiot to try. Like she would let me stay dead. I laughed.
"Fucker," she hissed, mistaking my laugh. She stormed out of the room. Jyou looked up as she shoved past the others.
I felt tears begin to stream down my cheeks and there was nothing I could do to hide them. Even the monitor beside me was betraying my own feelings as my heartbeat soared.
"Enough," Jyou said finally, before Takeru could say anything at all to explain his obvious betrayal. "Yamato needs rest. Takeru... if there really is anything you need to say, Ken is waiting outside."
Takeru blew him off and left shortly after Sora. Taichi reached over Jyou's long legs to take my hand. "Get better, buddy."
I couldn't smile at him. I wanted to. Koushiro gave me a weak smile and the two left.
"Jyou... thank you," I whispered weakly.
"Anytime..." he replied, sitting up a little. He had his elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasped together. "How long have you had to put up with that?"
I looked into Jyou's eyes. He was holding something back. What... What is it, Jyou?
"Since Tsukuyomi was born," I admitted.
"Seven years?" Jyou coughed, running a hand through his bangs. I missed his long, beautiful hair from middle school. I couldn't say anything more to him. How was I supposed to explain myself? I looked out the window across the rooftops, past the trees, to a dying sky. "Why didn't you say anything?"
After I thought about why, I answered, "...I promised myself when my parents divorced that I would never let my kids go through that, Jyou. I broke that promise."
Jyou chuckled, "So, you blame yourself and you think the kids will blame you?"
"No," I cringed, pulling my shoulders close. Jyou undid the ties for a moment, but gave me a smile that said they were going back on as some kind of policy. I smiled and huddled into myself as best I could with a very sore scalp and wires all over God's creation. "I don't want them to blame themselves..."
"...still, you had choices," Jyou pressed, reaching over to me. His eyes began to gloss with pain. "You... didn't have to do this... You could've turned to any one of us!" He started crying and sat back again, pulling out his hair.
"...Jyou... it would have only made things worse."
"You always stood up for yourself before!" Jyou choked, "Why is it different now?"
"...stand up for myself... no," I said with a smile, "I've only ever fought for the others. I don't matter."
Frustrated, Jyou literally pulled out some of his hair and made a strange noise that was some cross of a yelp of pain and a sob. "Don't matter?!" he shrieked, his voice almost gone now as tears streamed down his warm cheeks. "When you're out of that bed, Yamato Ishida, I am going to kill you."
I blinked at him. He sounded just as concerned as my Dad. "I'm... sorry..."
He seemed surprised I would apologize at all the way he raised his eyebrows next. "Yes... well..." he tried to compose himself as if he had made a mistake to shown me what was the matter. "Just promise me something and promise me you won't break it this time."
"Shoot," I joked. He wasn't pleased and I think he almost got up and walked out of the room.
"Don't worry me like this anymore, ever..." he pleaded.
"...I'll try," I said with a smile, taking his hand in my own.