I'm weak. So so, very, weak. I'm alone, scrolling his Facebook. He's tearing me apart. Ruining my perfect world. Stepping on everything I love with those slick, black, expensive leather boots. The ones that I remember so perfectly thrown on my bed room floor. The ones that make that clang sound when ever he walked on a hard surface. The ones that made him inches taller. Tall enough to be out of my reach, but somehow small enough to fall threw my grasp. Shit.

Shit.

I'm just making myself angry. Why do I do this? Why do I do this to myself? Everyday it's the same thing. Every single day. Ive always mocked those girls who post about heart break and loss from a boyfriend. Thinking, they can't possibly know heart break, they're too young. Too young to even be with their boyfriends. Most of these boys in my town are either

Snobby and rich. The definition of rich privilege.

Old. Mid-thirties, with a wives and kids. But, that doesn't stop them from going down to the local stop joint.

Or, the worst kind if boy. The ones who only want a fling but fill your head with lies. Saying you're his special one.

Unfortunately for me, I picked one this 2 of the 3 traits. Blonde, rich, not in his thirties, player.

Continuing my relentless attack on his Facebook. I scroll his past profile pictures, scroll his timeline pictures, scroll his family album pictures. That's one of things thats always confused me about him. Acting like he never had a heart but around his unusually large and quite attractive family he always had this smile and shine to his eyes. I notice that the family still hasn't patched things up with the Dad of the fam. Along with a brother missing. He loved his family, nother less.

Austin was the black sheep of the family. It was obvious. With his leather jackets and bad boy persona. He had the ability to look model like blonde. Ive seen it before. Although my memories replay more as a dream than anything else. It was at his mothers work anniversary, she was accepting some award. His hair was neatly brushed, suit with a perfect size tie. God he looked like he was pulled strait out of magazine. Even the older women of the groups were gouging at him.

After that him and I had our own award party at my house. Thank god for my dads unconventional work emergency. He looked so good that night I probably would've let him take me right there even if my dad was present.

I continue my scroll. I look at his old high school pictures. What a cutie. I scroll. Scroll more until I find this picture that brings a wide smile to me. Its him and I.

Him and I on his mothers couch with popcorn. This must've been years ago this was taken because I still had my glasses.

This also must've been way before I ruined his couch.

I was late for "my time of month" and I decided to wear a light red skirt. Not a good combination. I was so embarrassed I ran into his bathroom and cried. I remember the panic that struck me when I thought about how I ruined his moms precious white couch. I remember him knocking on the door. Maxi pads in one hand and smashed strawberries smeared on the other. It took a while for me to process what exactly he'd done. It was until I looked past him I saw exactly what he'd done. He crushed and wiped strawberries all over the couch to hide my mishap. "Here" he said, handing me the box of lady products "I'll be right back" he continued before leaving me, both speechless and slight at awe. He came back moments later with pj pants. His pj pants.

After this moment we were close. An innocent just friends close.

Those same pj bottoms are stowed away in the very back of my closest. Never to be worn again. My hand slips and I drop my phone on my bedroom carpet. I pick it up slowly afraid I cracked it. Is it just me or do these new iPhones crack easier that the others? When I turn my phone around I see something even more terrifying that a crack. A blue thumb lit up. A blue thumb indicating a like. A blue thumb indicating I liked that photo.

That old photo of us on the couch. I tap it again quickly only to re light up the blue Facebook thumb again. My heart races. I just liked a picture from 2011. I don't know if I should cry or set both my phone end myself on fire. I throw my phone across the room.

Not really caring if the stupid thing crack or even combust into flames at this point. Maybe he wont notice. Maybe he wont ever go on Facebook again. Maybe I should pack up my stuff and move to Australia or somewhere even further. Just then my phone buzzes. Nice. My mind goes into a panic. I feel that burning sensation in my nose, the one I get when I'm on the verge of tears. I slowly grab my phone. Oh thank god, I think to myself. Its just a stupid Facebook notification, probably another stupid game request. I click it and my heart drops.

"Austin Moon(Friends with Dez Wade) commented on a photo of you". I click it and my fingers turn to ice.

"Smooth, Dawson"

That's it. That's all he said. Two words, two fuckin words and I'm fuming. I try to think of ways to explain what happened.

"I was scrolling your Facebook and accidentally liked and old photo" no no that wont due. We're not even friends on Facebook anymore so it would be obvious I was stalk- I mean scrolling his account.

"My cat jumped on my phone" I don't even own a cat he will never fall for it.

"I was looking through your photos because I miss you, miss us. I was looking through new photos and old photos when I saw this one and it reminded me of how close we used to be and how much I loved just hanging out with you. How happy and comforting you made me feel. I was scrolling your photos because I still love you and miss you." This one is a big no.

My phone buzzes again. I message. I my heart already knew before my mind did. It was Austin.

Him: Liking old picks, eh ;)?

Me: it was an accident

It says "seen at 3:14 am" so I know he saw it.

His typing bubble pops up, disappears, and pops up again.

Him: Whatever you say, babe.

I want to type "not your babe" but a part of me still so desperately wants to be "his babe". The babe that wears his leather coat, and rides in his car, and is know as "Austin's babe". I'd get it tattooed on my forehead and legally change my name to "Austin's babe" just for the world to know. God I'm pathetic.

Him: Als…

Nonononononononono NO nO No please NO

Me: Its, Allison

Him: …

Him: Ive always called you Als, it'd be weird to call you something else :(

Take your stupid emotions and shove them up your a-

Him: Can I come over?