They both said it at the same time – "I tried to kill myself last night."
Sarah stared at Cosima, and Cosima stared back. The reason for both of their attempts hung heavily over them both; Kendall's death had left them trapped, heavy and desperate. Sarah dropped back into Cosima's side, sighing heavily. The conversation was already dark, but sharing it with someone, sharing it with Cosima... it made the world feel a little lighter than it had been just under twenty-four hours ago.
Sarah glanced over at Cosima, her nose brushing against Cosima's cheek. She pulled strength even from that light touch, and whispered in Cosima's ear, "I saw Beth. I think she saved me." Or, at least, Sarah thought she had. The events of last night were so hazy. She had made it so for a reason. She hadn't been wanting to remember anything about what she heard from Cosima, how Kendall was gone, Cosima's cure along with it – the way Cosima's choked, stilted sobs came from the other end of the line, how -
"Sarah," Cosima's voice drew her back to reality, back to where life was a little quieter, where time stalled just for a little while as they cuddled underneath the blankets of Cosima's bed. "You still with me?"
"Honestly, Cos I – I'm not too sure," Sarah said quietly, ducking her head to rest in the crook of Cosima's shoulder. "I almost lost it back there. I almost gave in. Gave up. I was supposed to take her place, you know? But now I'm wondering... what if I'm just like her? I'm trying so hard to be strong, Cos! But what if I can't save us? What if I can't save you?"
"Hey.. hey. Sarah, look at me," Cosima said, extracting her hand from the blankets and touching Sarah's chin with it, directing her gaze in close. Nose to nose, she continued, "It wasn't your fault, alright? I.. I asked you to make that trade, okay? If I hadn't said anything-"
"It is," Sarah said emphatically, and Cosima could feel how the clench of her jaw vibrated the molecules around them, creating tension in the air. "It is my fault, Cos, 'cause I couldn't bloody well imagine my life without you! I sacrificed Kendall – god, I didn't even give it a second thought, you know? And now we're here and everything's gone to bloody shite and all – christ, Cosima! I bloody well need you, yeah? Don't you dare blame yourself for my mistake, 'kay? Don't ever think that way."
"You did what you had to, Sarah. We.. we both did," Cosima murmured, a small frown cornering her lips as she remembered the scalpel in her hand, the blood in her mouth. Her Hail Mary.
"What happened to you, Cos?" Sarah said, snaking her arm around Cosima's waist, finding a free hand and lacing their fingers together.
"I ran out of options," she admitted, squeezing Sarah's hand almost absently. An anchor. "Your bot, I..." she inhaled shakily, feeling sick.
"You tried to implant it," Sarah replied, her voice tight with worry and, if Cosima heard right, a little bit of shame. "God, I... Cos I'm.. I put you in that position. I'm so sorry, I.. I destroyed everything, you shouldn't have had to-"
"Sarah, stop," Cosima said a little roughly. "Please. Everything about that night.. it was so complicated and twisted and fucked up. But you didn't pull the trigger."
"I might as well've," Sarah mumbled into Cosima's shoulder, her weight sinking further into Cosima's side as the world seemingly fell on top of her.
"Sarah, come on," Cosima jostled her slightly. "Enough of this pity party, okay? We're here, we're together. We're both safe. We're both surviving."
"But for how much longer, exactly, huh Cos? Your... your research is gone and you're – still sick," Sarah's throat closed around the word that was too final to speak out loud. "I can't lose you," she finished.
"Maybe not all my research," she answered softly, her heart rate picking up slightly in cautious excitement. Sarah looked up at her with quiet confusion in her eyes. At the squeeze from her hand, Cosima continued, her tone infusing with a daring hope, "Delphine's alive, Sarah."
"What?" Sarah shifted slightly, her gaze glinting with disbelief then wonder before finally turning to relief as a grin broke out over her face. "Cos that's.. that's really good news!"
"Yeah, Sarah, she's.. she's out there somewhere. We just gotta find her. Man, when Felix told me on the phone yesterday, I-"
"Fee? He told me that he called you last night, but I didn't... did he stop you too?" she asked softly, propping herself up slightly on one elbow to gaze down at Cosima.
"I was just about to put the worm in, yeah," Cosima said with another heavy sigh, "I was holding the forceps and I just... when he told me, I was so relieved, Sarah. Just so relieved. Then he hung up and -" Cosima stopped suddenly, staring at Sarah hovering over her. "And then he went to go save you," she whispered as the revelation dawned on her.
"I was on a bridge, trying to get out. I just wanted to buy a train ticket, but Beth she.. she started talking to me," Sarah admitted. "I thought... I thought was was gonna go out like her, I.. I wanted to go out like her."
"But Felix found you," Cosima supplied. "Like he found me."
Sarah let out a watery chuckle. "Remind me to pay that boy's bar tabs for the rest of his bloody life, yeah?"
Cosima laughed as well, sounding clearer than it had been in awhile. "Nice to see that you've kept your sense of humour," she grinned over at her.
"It's nice to still have a reason for it," Sarah replied as she settled back down against Cosima, resting her head on Cosima's chest, listening to the steady rhythm of her heartbeat until sleep overcame them both.