Title: Rememories

By: FanofRandy

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Emergency! is owned by Universal and Mark VII Productions. I make no profit from my imagination—only a personal joy and peace.

Summary: John Gage is wrestling with something pretty bad. With the help of some close friends, he tries to make some new "rememories." Set after John and Roy became Captains.

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He hung up the phone after making the fourth call that day to Rampart. As he sat on the couch and stared at the blank television, he could barely remember waking up that morning. He was dressed in blue jeans, a plaid flannel work shirt with a t-shirt underneath, and sneakers. His eyes were sunken with large black circles underneath; a testament to the fact he had not been sleeping well. And, his frame was minus about ten pounds. He looked like a scarecrow that had been put out in the field and picked clean by the birds.

It had been ten days since the horrible event that brought him to where he was now. Ten days that consisted of a hospital stay; two funerals; a review board hearing; and, a stay at the DeSoto's home. As he put his head in his hands and let the silent tears fall, which he only did when he was alone, he murmured aloud, "How can I do this, God…how can I make it through this one."

With that, John Gage stood and walked to the room that had become his over the years; the guest room of the DeSoto home. He began to pack his bag and wonder if he would ever be able to return to the job he loved so much.

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Roy was on duty at his Station. After a year on the job, he still had a hard time believing that HE was the Captain. Captain DeSoto sat in his office wishing he knew how to console his Friend, Captain John Gage. Everyone was asking about Johnny…how he was healing…if he was finally sleeping through the night…when he was going to return. The problem was, Roy did not know the answers to the questions they were asking.

He heard a knock on the doorframe of his office and looked up to see a familiar face. "Well, if it isn't Chief Stanley," Roy smiled broadly, knowing the reason for the visit, but asking anyway. "To what do I owe the honor of this visit?" He asked his Friend and superior. Any other time, Roy would have snapped to attention upon the arrival of the Chief.

The older man took his cover off and regarded the man before him. Memories of the "old days" at Station 51 roared in his head. He offered a hand that Roy accepted and the two men moved toward the chairs. "Have a seat, Pal." Chief Stanley said as he closed the door. There was no need for pomp and circumstance, this visit was about Family. Roy's concern grew with this motion since the door was rarely closed unless there was something terribly wrong.

The Chief sat in his chair and leaned back with a sigh. He thought to himself that Roy looked like he hadn't been sleeping very well either. "So, Roy…how is Johnny coming along?" He finally asked.

Roy took a deep breath and tried to decide how to answer that question. He knew that there had been a Review Board Hearing the day before, but was not privy to the outcome. He could answer honestly, but that could jeopardize Johnny's chances of returning to his station; or, he could just give the rote answer he'd been using for the last three shifts. He chose the latter, "He's getting better every day, Cap…uh, Chief." Roy corrected quickly. But, his former Captain wasn't buying what Roy was trying to sell.

"C'mon, Pal…this is me you're talkin' to. Brackett tells me he calls the hospital at least 10 times a day…tell me the truth. Hell, he'd probably camp out in the ICU if Brackett hadn't told him to stay away for now. " Hank asked again, with sternness in his voice. "I saw him at the funerals. He looked like a zombie. And, he acted like one, too. He barely talked to anyone, and just grunted answers when asked how he was doing. Now, you wanna tell me the truth?" Roy lowered his head. He did not want to betray his friend, but he did not like lying to his superior either.

"Truth?…he's not doin' so good. I knew going to the funerals would be hard on 'im…but, I also thought it might bring 'im some closure. He's not been sleeping. He doesn't eat half the time. It's like he died too…but, it is just happening slowly, not all at once like the others." Roy fought the emotion that threatened and cleared his throat against the tears.

Hank nodded his understanding. "Losing a man is hard on any Captain, Roy." He paused as he cleared his throat, too. They both looked at one another as they remembered the horrible day they lost one of their own when Chet Kelly had been killed in the line of duty at Station 51. "I guess it's not something you ever get used to…or get over. But, Johnny always seems to internalize these things and let them eat him alive. Why does he do that?" Hank wondered aloud. Both men shook their heads at the wonder that was John Gage.

"I don't know, Chief. But, he goes in tomorrow to see Brackett. He thinks he's gonna be released to return to duty…but, I doubt that will happen. He's skinny…I mean thinner than I have ever seen 'im. He is just wasting away and there doesn't seem to be a damn thing we can do about it." Roy admitted.

"Well, maybe I will try to talk to him…former Captain to Captain. I could offer some words of comfort. He avoided me at the funerals. Probably because he was unsure about the review hearing." Hank concluded. "We just have to be patient, I guess, and wait for Johnny to work through this. He seems to always land on his feet. Maybe this time will be no different." His words were more of a prayer than a statement. He stood, and Roy did too. He patted Roy on the back as they walked toward the door. "And, uh…Pal…when it's just you and me, you can call me Hank, you know." The Chief smiled as he opened the door and made his way back to Headquarters. Both held hope that Johnny WOULD indeed, be okay.

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The DeSoto house was quiet as Johnny sat on the side of the bed. His duffel was packed at his feet. He sat down once he finished packing and did not realize how long he had been sitting until he heard the door. He glanced at the clock by the bedside and saw that it was nearly 4:00pm. The sounds he heard were JoAnne returning from picking up the children up from school. He sighed deeply as he realized he had been sitting there…just sitting…for over three hours.

The next thing he realized was the sound of feet running down the hall toward his door. He braced himself for the onslaught of frenzied conversation from Chris and Jenny. He was only slightly disappointed when the footsteps continued on past. He heard two other doors in the house open and close. He closed his eyes…thankful that the children did not come into his room, for he was not in the mood to pretend he was feeling on top of the world.

He picked up the phone and dialed the same number he had been for a week now…the ICU department at Rampart General Hospital. The phone rang twice, "Nurse Jennings, ICU." Came a sweet voice to his waiting ears. If he had been well, or in a better state of mind, he may have considered asking her out. But, there was more important business.

"This is Captain Gage. I'm calling to check on the condition of my man…uh…Greg Daniels. Can you let me know how he's doing?" The nurse sighed. She had taken many of these calls from John Gage over the past seven days and the news was never any different.

"I'm afraid there's been no change, Captain Gage." She felt sorry for the man behind the calls. He seemed haunted and very sad.

"Okay. I will check back later. Thank you." He hung up the phone and dropped his head into his hands once more.

He heard a gentle knock at the door. He wiped the hot tears that formed and gave a weak, "Come in."

JoAnne opened the door just enough to peek her head in and offered, "Johnny, I told the kids to go on to their rooms 'cuz I thought you might be resting. I just wanted to check and see if you needed anything." JoAnne frowned a bit as she noticed that her Friend was looking quite ill and weak. Johnny shook his head.

"No, I don't need anything. 'M fine." He replied in a monotonous, far-away voice. It was then that she noticed the duffel on the floor.

"Johnny…why is your bag packed?" She asked as she fully entered the room. He glanced down, almost forgetting that he had packed it earlier in the day and that he had planned to return to his ranch today.

"Oh, I thought I would go ahead and go back to my place. I've been here a week now…don't want to overstay my welcome, you know. 'Sides, Abby's still nursing her pups and I bet Cimmeron and Osceola are wonderin' what happened to me." Johnny droned.

JoAnne approached the bed and picked up the duffel. "Oh, no you don't mister. You are not going anywhere. Mr. Bailey is taking care of your place, Abby and the horses are fine. You don't have anything to worry about. You have a check-up with Dr. Brackett in the morning and, if he says you can go home, then you can go home. But, for now, you are staying right here with us. And, you could NEVER wear out your welcome here, Johnny. We love you and care about you. The kids adore you and are so excited having you here this past week." She lied, but only a little. The only part that was a lie was about the kids. They were excited their Uncle Johnny was staying with them, but they were more worried and cautious than they let on to him.

"'M sorry, Jo. I just don't seem to be able to do much right these days." Johnny mumbled out. He was exhausted and it showed.

"Johnny…" Jo started to chastise her Friend for his self-deprecation, but thought better of it. "…you just lie down and I am gonna start supper and I will come in and get you when it's time to eat." She took the duffel and unpacked the few things he had put into it. She folded it and put it on the shelf in the closet. "Just try to get some rest, Sweetie. I know you will feel better if you get some sleep." She walked over to him and, in a gesture reserved mostly for her own children, she leaned over and kissed him on his head. She then turned and left.

Johnny kicked off his shoes and lie down on the bed. He closed his eyes and prayed silently for the dreams and nightmares to stay away. In a few moments, he was asleep, but the nightmares won out and he would not find complete rest.

TBC