Chapter One

Conversations

{-Cullen-}

Cullen resigned himself to finish his work early that evening. He needed to see her. Lady Ellaina Trevelyan was sitting on the balcony rail watching the sunset as she did every night. No matter how much paperwork she had she always took the time to watch the sunset and wake early enough to see the sunrise. He was grateful that she could still enjoy a few of the simple things. Life has been too cruel to you My Lady. Cullen thought to himself. He just stood and stared at her for the longest time not wanting to startle her even though he was certain she already knew he was there. As if reading his mind Ellaina turned to look at him with her gorgeous bright grey-blue eyes, the lyrium glow still present in them after her recent decision to join the Templars. He'd begged her not to, but she insisted.

"After this is all over the Templars need a leader. I believe in them just as much as you do. They deserve a chance to rebuild and I want to be the one to give them that chance. I don't expect you to understand or approve, but I know it will be impossible to keep it a secret from you after. I hear you smell different."

"Join me won't you Commander?" Ellaina's voice brought him back to the present as she gestured for him to join her.

"Of course my Lady Inquisitor." Cullen softly replied.

Despite what everyone, themselves included, said they really did like their titles. It provided them both a sense of duty that they, as Templars and leaders, often needed. Nevertheless, it was a rare occasion that she called him Commander when they were alone. Leliana must have a Raven close. He thought.

As Cullen closed the space between them he noticed more than just the glow of lyrium in her eyes. "Long day?" he asked her gently.

"Longer than I'd like to admit." She replied solemnly.

"What's wrong darling?"

She gestured to the Raven on the roof before quietly replying, "We'll talk about it when I know for certain we're alone." Then intentionally louder, "I appreciate Leliana trying to protect me but the Commander is here now so you're free to go." With that the Raven flew away and Cullen swore that he saw a silhouette hop down from the roof to the balcony where Leliana's sanctuary was located.

"How did you-" Cullen started.

"They always do that. I've gotten used to it. I swear sometimes Leliana does her job to well for her own good."

"I know that feeling."

"Sorry to have to be so vague, but there's something I need to tell you that I don't want anyone else to know about. If I can help it that is."

Cullen's throat tightened with fear as he asked again, "What's wrong?"

Ellaina sighed deeply and paused for an uncomfortable amount of time before replying, "You told me about what happened at Kirkwall, so I thought it only right to tell you what happened at Starkhaven."

Cullen tensed, "Starkhaven? You know you don't have to-"

"Yes I do." Ellaina replied before sighing deeply again.

"Cullen, I- I was a Templar at Starkhaven. I was at my baby sister's Harrowing when its Circle fell."

Cullen was bewildered, and he had to take a moment to absorb what he was hearing. She was a Templar? How could that be? He'd never seen any evidence to suggest she had Templar abilities. Not only that, but Cassandra would have sensed the presence of lyrium in her veins. Had she been a Seeker?

"You were a Templar? How could that be?"

"I couldn't tell you before because I honestly didn't remember. I remembered completing training to be a Templar. I remembered the initiation, but I couldn't remember exactly what happened. Then when I went through Ser's initiation and recovered the memories the Nightmare had stolen everything came back at once. My head is still spinning. Everything hurts, and the memories aren't exactly pleasant. I'm still trying to sort everything out myself. I hope you can understand now why I wanted to tell this to you alone. This is something no one else knows, and I would like to keep it that way."

"I thought that Starkhaven's Circle burned down? I don't understand Ellaina…" Cullen trailed of shaking his head trying to make sense of something so strange.

"Everyone wants you to believe that the circle simply 'burned to the ground'. They had to keep it all hush, hush. If word got out about a Templar with the kind of power I possessed the Chantry would be in ruin." She glanced up at him and his angry expression prodded her on. "I know, I know. I should have told you earlier, but as soon as I recovered the memories I wished I hadn't. I was, how I acted when my sister's life was endangered, it was inexcusable." Ellaina paused for a long while then continued, "I lived and she didn't. I took innocent lives to save her and they were all wasted."

"I don't know what to say." Cullen replied. He was sad and confused all at once.

"I'll tell you everything I remember. I can't promise it will make sense but I know the events to be true."

Cullen nodded, and Ellaina

"I was barely 19 at the time of the attack and had just been promoted to Lieutenant. We got news of a rogue blood mage from Nevarra. Apparently he had killed his Templar guardian along with multiple lieutenants. The last report we received said he was fleeing to the Free Marches. My Knight-Commander informed me and the other Lieutenants that he was extremely dangerous and powerful. I mean he had to be to single-handedly kill that many Templars, right? However no one knew exactly where he was headed. So Bryanne's Harrowing continued as planned. Soon after the Harrowing was complete we heard the screaming, then the demons, and abominations. Myself and the other Templars assigned to escorting Bryanne were ambushed by the mage and his legion of demons. Most of my friends were slaughtered by demons, or put under mind control. I had no choice. I slaughtered my men. I cut them down one by one. I had to get my sister out, but as soon as we made it to the Great Hall she was captured."

Ellaina took another long pause here, tears rolling down her cheeks, but in true Templar fashion her voice never wavered as she continued recounting her story. Cullen could see all the pain in her eyes and face. He wanted so badly to hold her, but he also wanted to scream at her. He let her continue, however.

"The mage was more powerful than I had expected. He froze me in place as I watched it all happen. My Brothers and Sisters were holding her down. I watched as my apprentice, Marie ran her sword through Bryanne. An abomination rose from where my sister lied dead. I tried to spell purge before it was too late but I was just out of reach. I used every ounce of strength and power that I had in me, but it was no use. I was too late. My sister had been transformed and there was nothing I could do. I resigned myself to die right there, at the hands of what my baby sister had become."

"Just as I had given in, I heard a voice; I swore it was Andraste herself speaking to me. Kind of ironic now considering everything that's happened, but I digress. She told me not to give up, that I was destined for more, that she would lend me her strength to stop the demon as well as the mage. And then I felt it. It felt like my entire body was on fire. The ice binding me melted away. I swear I was glowing with power. The mage looked absolutely terrified. I started reciting the Chant; with every word I could feel the power welling up inside me, and then, I drew my sword and I used every single fiber in my being to unleash the Wrath of Heaven. The air and ground shook, then everything erupted in flames. I don't know how I lived, but the last thing I remember was my Knight-Captain carrying me away from the rubble."

Cullen stared at her. He was trying to process what he had heard. Impossible. She slaughtered her men. Oh Maker, tell me it isn't true. Cullen was outraged and more confused than ever. There's no way his gentle Ellaina could do that! How could she turn on her Order like that? How could she!

"How could you? You actually expect me to believe that this story is true? How could you cut down your own men?" Cullen couldn't hold in his anger anymore. He wanted to know why. He believed her, but he couldn't at the same time.

"I had to Cullen! Their minds were not their own! Do you really think I would lie about this! About kill-" her voice cracked. Her hand flew to her mouth as if she had cursed Andraste's name. She certainly had the mannerisms of a true Templar, but Cullen wanted answers. He deserved answers.

It's one thing to try to keep a family alive, but it's another to turn against her Brothers and Sisters. I had to watch mine be slaughtered and beg for mercy in front of me, but she did it by her own hands. "This still doesn't even explain how you lost your powers! How can I even be sure that you're telling me the truth?" Cullen had flown into a rage now, his bewilderment morphing into anger.

The sun had set by now and the grounds of Skyhold were quiet. Torches flittered against starlit sky. The guards on patrol probably could have heard Cullen's outburst. He hoped that wasn't the case. Despite his anger and vulnerabilities, he did still have to keep up appearances.

Ellaina flinched backward against the stones, "I know you're angry, you have every reason to be. If you'll allow me to continue I can answer all of your questions."

Cullen nodded angrily.

Ellaina, tears still rolling down her cheeks, continued without hesitation and in a more hurried tone than before. It was clear she wanted to get this all over with. "I was asleep for weeks. Six to be exact if the reports were correct. Six weeks without lyrium."

"At least you were asleep for it all." Cullen scoffed.

"I wish I was just asleep."

"What do you mean?"

Ellaina shook her head and sighed again. "I was in the Fade, a very dark part of it might I add. " she looked up at him with so much pain in her expression that Cullen thought he would be torn apart from the inside. "I'm pretty sure that's where the Nightmare first got a hold of me. I was forced to relive my every fear. I was forced to watch my sister's murder again and again. Worst of all I was forced to kill my Brothers and Sisters over and over. Those six weeks were hell and there was no escaping. I couldn't wake up. I would have taken the pain over being trapped in that damned place any day."

"When I did finally wake up I was too weak to go back to my duties, and the Seekers had burned all the lyrium from my blood in an effort to remove my abilities. To their disdain, they couldn't. The Order disowned me. They didn't want a "traitor" in their midst. They never asked for my full report. I tried to give it to them, but my Knight-Captain didn't want it. He didn't care what I had to say about what happened. I went back to my family in Ostwick. My father and elder brother, being Templars themselves and not knowing at all what had happened, were furious that I had been kicked out. I fear they'll never forgive what I did. They'll never forgive my inability to protect my sister. My heart, body, and soul were broken. Even with my abilities I couldn't continue my duties as a Templar. My life had no purpose anymore. So, I abandoned the shield, picked up a greatsword, and went into mercenary work hoping to get killed. It was just my luck that I didn't. Too damned good with a sword, no matter what the size or weight, I suppose. I vowed that, if given the chance, I would try to return to the Order some day. I still think the order needs reform, but more than anything I wanted to return to the Order to prevent what happened to my sister from happening again. The Templars have become this instrument the Chantry uses to strike fear in the hearts of all that would disobey them. I don't know about you, but that's not what I signed up for when I took my vows. Yes some of my motives are selfish, I know that. Like I told you before, I don't expect you to understand, but you deserve to know this. I love you more than you could ever know, and I didn't want to harm you or betray your trust by keeping secrets." With that, before Cullen could reach for her, Ellaina hopped off the balcony railing to walk the grounds alone.

He was dumbstruck, and speechless. But more than anything he was confused. Why hadn't she told him before? Thinking about it he knew. It must have cost her a great deal to tell him. The hurt and pain in her eyes, the tears rolling down her face, they made Cullen feel sick for being angry. Also there was the fact that even she had been unable to remember everything.

"Maker's breath." Cullen sighed.

Cullen watched her walk to the gazebo in the garden where they often played chess. The only person he had allowed into his life after what happened in Kirkwall. She was so beautiful. She's a good person with a golden heart. He knew that, but he wasn't sure how to feel about what she did in Starkhaven. Slaying her men? Would I have done it to save Mia if I were in Ellaina's shoes and Mia in Bryanne's? Cullen had no way of knowing nor could he imagine what he would do in that situation. He tried to, but all that he knew for certain was that he was deeply in love with Ellaina. So he sat there on the balcony, trying to work all this out as he watched Ellaina disappear from sight under the southeastern watchtower.

Then Cullen bolted upright when he noticed that the watchtower lamps were not lit. There were no signs of the guards who should be on patrol there either. Cullen's heart sank to his toes as he realized what he had done. He let her walk the grounds at night, unguarded. Seeing now that the patrols were missing, he was certain she was in danger. Cullen jumped off the balcony and practically burst through the door to Leliana's sanctuary. Seeing the fear in his eyes she understood.

"Ravens, on me!" She exclaimed.

With that Leliana and her agents followed Cullen to the gardens. What they saw when they got there was a grim scene. There was blood everywhere, and knowing that Ellaina didn't have her blade Cullen knew to whom it belonged. Fear wracked his very soul as he fell to his knees. Not you too. I will not lose you too

"This is all my fault." Leliana said. "If I had sent that Raven back up after she came down early none of this would have happened. The Inquisitor wouldn't-"

"No Leliana. This is no fault of yours." Cullen cut her off. "The fault is mine alone. I was the one who allowed her to roam the grounds alone. It's because she wanted to speak to me privately and after she told me everything I was too dazed to protect her. This…this is all my fault." Cullen slammed his fists into the ground so hard that it cracked the ancient stone. He didn't care if anyone saw his anger, his despair. He sobbed; the cries shook his entire body. As Leliana approached him he looked up, amber eyes afire with determination. "I will find her. I don't care what I have to do. I will find her."

Just as he had finished Leliana exclaimed, "Cullen, come here quickly!"

Cullen groaned as he stood, his body felt a million times heavier than it was.

"Look." Leliana said as she pointed to the bloody word written on the wall.

Venatori.