Authors Notes: This is probably my very first angst ending story for my favourite coupling of Rurouni Kenshin. I'm actually shocked at myself for ending it depressingly, but for once I thought I'd write in Misao's POV. Also a word of warning is that Misao may seem OOC, but only because I've made her grow up and act maturer. So although it doesn't end on a high note, I still enjoyed trying to imagine some of Misao's feelings for her "untouchable" Aoshi-sama. So enjoy…and if its too sad…well…gomen, I'll get to writing a happy Aoshi and Misao story another time. Like say…a lemon perhaps?

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The Pain of Loving a Clan

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I can never count the amount of times I watch him a day. The way he silently walks around looking all gloomy and yet so defiant amongst everyone else. The way his arms fold into the sleeves of his robe as he strolls slowly towards the temple. The way the wind catches his silky long bangs and brushes them agonisingly away from his piercing green eyes. I'd been a prisoner in those eyes for as long as I can remember. It felt like a lifetime as I continued to drown in the ice coldness of that stare he possessed. I wanted so badly to melt that ice, but when I think about what Aoshi-sama would be like without that iciness it just seemed…out of character for him. I loved him the way he was…and desperately hoped he'd return my feelings but as usual, day by day he continues his journey to the temple, silent and brooding about the past and I continue to watch him from above my window before proceeding downstairs.

"Misao-chan?"

"Eh?" I am snapped from my thoughts of Aoshi-sama and come face to face with Omasu, one of the waitresses in the Aoiya and of course one of the ninja's in the elite Spy Organisation known as the Oniwabanshuu.

"Okina wishes to speak with you." I nod my head, leaving the damp cloth I had been using to wipe down tables before we entered and headed for Okina's study. Knocking lightly on the door, I heard a muffled 'enter' and then proceeded inside. There my Jiya was sitting at his desk, window open letting in the early morning light and then he waved me to sit down.

"We need to have a chat Misao-chan." The serious tone in his voice made the butterflies lying dormant in my stomach come alive. I remained silent, my blue eyes blinking over at him as he shuffled some paperwork and then placed it to the side.

"You aren't getting younger Misao…and I believe its time for you to wed." Instantly at those words my mouth had gone dry and my heart and fallen to my now churning stomach. I was definitely not expecting this…and I knew Jiya was not expecting my silence either. Perhaps over time I had become more mature as I knew two years ago I would have wailed and complained and stomped around until I got my way, but now…now I was too stunned to even rebuttal his spoken thoughts.

"Now before you object about what I have spoken, please listen to me." I felt my lips close as I had opened them to obviously refuse, but nothing had come forth from my lips and instead I probably looked like a gapping fish.

"You're a young woman now Misao and its time for you to settle down and begin a new life. Of course the Oniwabanshuu will always be here in this new era, but the blood of the Oniwabanshuu needs to blossom into new life. You are the grand daughter of the late Okashira and you must reproduce to continue the bloodline." I could feel my cheeks heat up at what Jiya spoke. Just listening to him talk about sexual interactions made me want to laugh, but it also made me blush even more as he knew I'd never experienced any form of relationship because of my infatuation with Aoshi-sama. I had always dreamed he'd be my first in everything.

"Though you took on the role as Okashira after Aoshi switched sides and became evil this does not technically give you the right to be the Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu. You have the heart and the skills to become a great leader Misao, but…"

"A woman is not meant for that particular job correct?" I couldn't believe how unemotional I was being. Though it reminded me very much of Aoshi-sama I had to congratulate myself for how much I was keeping hidden even if Jiya's words were cutting deeply into my heart.

"Hai Misao-chan, that is why I suggest you honour your grandfather's wish to make sure the Oniwabanshuu name never dies."

"Okay…" I watched as Jiya nearly fell out of his chair.

"O-Okay?" He stuttered as he questioned me. Wow I really was entirely calm about this idea. Had I truly lost my entire love for Aoshi-sama not to wait for him?

I place on a smile for Jiya, watching as he blinked scrutinisingly at it to try and tell if it was real or fake, but for once I felt happy. I would be honouring my grandfather. I truly did want to keep the Oniwabanshuu name alive and if that meant marrying and passing the Okashira title to my would be husband then so be it. I'd sacrifice my love of Aoshi-sama to make sure the Oniwabanshuu name was never forgotten.

"I really should go Jiya, I have errands to run." He nodded still very much in surprise at my answer and I stood to leave. I guess it truly was unlike me to not complain and whine about something, but times were changing and I had to grow up sometime. I guess it seemed a little too fast for my Jiya though. In fact the inner me was screaming to refuse the request he made, but I was not a selfish person. I wish I could be, just once and my only selfish need would be to have Aoshi-sama as mine for even a moment. A searing kiss, a soft caress or a loving hug…anything just as long as it was with him. How wonderful that would be and yet I knew it would never happen. Aoshi-sama was like ice and I…I guess I was too afraid of being fully rejected by him. I loved him and yet he scared me to death. I had fallen in love with a man that was so untouchable and yet he had completely touched and stolen my heart.

"Misao-chan, what will you say to Aoshi?" I paused at the door, turning my eyes towards the elder of the Oniwabanshuu and felt my smile dwindle slightly.

"I don't know, the truth I suppose." I answered before exiting the study and heading for the kitchen once more. I'd been given the job to buy some spices for the kitchen and of course I had my usual daily interaction with Aoshi-sama…not that you could call it interaction or anything. I brought him tea, he drank and meditated and that was the end of it. I chatted a mile a minute never once expecting replies and so it wasn't even interaction to begin with. One sided…everything was always one sided when it came to me.

"I'll be going now!" I called as I placed on my getas and headed out of the Aoiya main entrance. Yes, by the gods I'd thrown myself into a kimono. Time was definitely changing for sure. It felt strange, but I'm sure I could get used to them. I still wore my ninja outfit when I trained, but mainly these days I was dressed in a kimono and was pottering around in the restaurant. I knew that a lot of young mans' eyes were fixated on me, but I couldn't stare at them back with the same appreciation for beauty. I finally realised that my appreciation of beauty was in fact on the stone cold statue known as Aoshi Shinomori. I'd constantly shake my head in the confines of my own room and curse myself for falling for this man, but as I stared longer and longer at Aoshi-sama, he became more human by the second. Gripped with grief and guilt were two main pointers to indicate Aoshi-sama was human after all. He was such a troubled man…and a very handsome one at that.

"Ah…must stop thinking about that." I muttered aloud as I walked silently up the stairs towards the temple. For a moment I paused in my journey and glanced at the balcony I knew Aoshi-sama would be on and then glanced back at the fading Aoiya. If I broke tradition of serving him tea would he even notice? I shock my head of that thought and continued onwards. I knew I wouldn't be able to break it and in fact I enjoyed just being beside him with no one else around.

"Ohayoo Aoshi-sama!" I heard myself greet the silent man cheerily. I blinked as I found him inside the room and the shutters of the balcony closed. The room was fairly dark, but incense and candles surrounded Aoshi-sama making his bare skin and the soles of his feet glow a pale yellow colour. If he was ice, did that mean his skin would be as cold as ice as well. No! Mustn't think about such thoughts right now. I closed the shoji and padded the rest of the way in and placed the tea set and myself in front of Aoshi-sama but still allowed him his own personal space. He did not respond to my greeting and I never expect him too.

"It's a beautiful day today Aoshi-sama." I prattled quietly while he continued to meditate and then began the steps of making his favourite green tea. Usually I'd be chatting a mile a minute while doing so, but today was different of course. My thoughts were mainly drawn to Jiya's decision to have me wed. Sometime soon I knew a party would be held at the Aoiya and many suitors will come a knocking…and then it was my decision along with Jiya to decide who would be the most capable of taking over the Oniwabanshuu. My heart sank at the thought of giving the Oniwabanshuu to another. The only one worthy in my books at being Okashira is…

"You are troubled." I gasped and darted my eyes towards the now opened green ones of Aoshi-sama. The candle flames danced in his eyes and the light glistened in his perfect black hair. I gave my best winning smile and then placed his tea on the floorboards for him.

"I guess so…" I felt myself mutter. Dammit! I was suppose to deny his words and come up with a lie, but as I stared up into cool calm eyes I knew I could never lie to him. He always saw through me, so why wouldn't he now?

"Is Okina ill?" I was surprised he was continuing on with the conversation as he rarely spoke and I felt myself shake my head negatively as I glanced down at my clutched hands on my lap.

"Has something happened at the Aoiya?" Boy, he was quite the nosy man today and just that thought made me crack a small smile. Perhaps he wasn't as cold hearted as everyone and including me at times thought.

"I guess you could say that." I watched as he blinked his eyes, his head titling to the side slightly as though he was trying to read my thoughts. He looked so cute doing this and I took a deep breath as I watched him draw his teacup to his lips.

"Jiya wants me to get married." There was a slight pause in his actions before he took a sip of the tea and then placed it back to its rightful place on the floorboards in front of him.

"And your thoughts on the matter?"

"He is right, I should get married. I'd be dishonouring my grandfather and the Oniwabanshuu name if I objected to the idea." I paused for a moment to take a sip of the tea and gather my thoughts. How easy it seemed to tell Aoshi-sama I would be married soon and yet my heart ached wanting to say 'I wish to marry you' but as always I diverted from that particular line and continued on.

"Jiya said I must pass the Okashira title to my future husband as a woman in power is not a good idea for future business and the general fact is that I must continue the bloodline of future Okashira's and followers of the Oniwabanshuu." I could feel myself flushing at mentioning this to Aoshi-sama and ducked my head and hoped my thick bangs covered most of my blushing cheeks. Speaking like this to Aoshi-sama just made several non-innocent thoughts rush through my mind about he and I.

"I see…" Came the slow response from Aoshi-sama. "Well, I'm sure Okina can help with judging who'd make a good husband for you Misao." Judging who'd be my husband? What was this, a bloody contest? Did this stupid, brooding, sexy man not realise that all I wanted was him?!

"What?" Oh crap! I didn't just say that aloud did I? Glancing shyly and probably mortifyingly up at Aoshi-sama I notice his unemotional response betrayed the look on his face. His eyes had widened in surprise and that was confirmation I had let slip more then I should have. Damn all these thoughts rushing in my mind!

"Erm…um…its nothing!" I could feel the heat rise in my cheeks to another level betraying me once more. Oh curse this body always responding to Aoshi-sama!

"Misao…did you just…" It was almost laughable that Aoshi-sama had grown unsure of what to say to my little confession. Not that I actually wanted a response of rejection from him anyway and thus it was time to make a hasty retreat and die of sheer mortification back in the confines of my own room. There was no way I could face him after this major slip up.

"Well Omasu wanted me to get some spices for the Aoiya so I guess I should be off now." I murmured as I quickly stood to my feet, almost tripping on the end of the kimono as I did so. The one time I wished to be wearing my onmitsu outfit was right now so I could flee the temple in a mad dash, but of course with a tight fitting kimono that was merely impossible. My clumsy hands were trying to pick up the tea tray, but a gasp escaped my lips as larger hands stopped mine from moving around.

"Please stop Misao." Aoshi-sama had never initiated any form of contact! What the hell was I to do now? "Please sit back down." How could I refuse a man with a husky voice like that? How could I refuse Aoshi-sama anything? I felt my shins connect with the floorboards once more and I pried my hands lightly away from Aoshi-sama's. Of course I was kicking myself for doing so, but I was becoming increasingly nervous around him.

"Is that what you want Misao? To be with the one you want, even if he is the one you cannot have, before having to marry another?" If I didn't know any better that just felt like Aoshi-sama was accepting my wanting him and yet rejecting me at the same time. I voiced nothing and instead continued to stare into his eyes.

"You want the caress of the one you love before having to be made to love another? Is that what you are saying?"

"Yes…" I observed as Aoshi-sama became blurry and knew my eyes were watering. Now was not the time to blubber like a small child but his words were cutting deep and were completely true as well. I wanted him so badly that I'd become an impure woman just so I could spend one sinful night with him. My love and lust for Aoshi-sama was that strong and I felt myself hiccup as I tried to keep the tears at bay. Fat chance of that happening when I felt an unsure caress against my cheek. In mere seconds I'd literally thrown myself at Aoshi-sama and wrapped my arms around his waist as I cried quietly into his chest. It was utterly blissful when strong powerful arms wrapped around my shaking body and yet heartbreaking that he was only doing this to make me feel better.

"Do not cry Misao. Crying does not suit someone such as yourself." I heard him whisper into my ear as his hands fluttered to the obi on my kimono. An image of my smiling self when I was around 4 or 5 flashed through my mind and what surrounded me was Aoshi-sama, Hannya, Beshimi, Hyotokko and Shikijou and that's when I pulled away from those powerful arms that could break me in a single second.

"I can't…" I felt myself choke out as I drew away from him and brushed my hands over my face to rid myself of tears.

"I thought that was what you wanted." He spoke quietly and I felt a bitter chuckle, one I've never heard before, escape my lips.

"Of course I want you Aoshi-sama, but you should know me, all heart over sheer selfishness and I know this is not what you wish to happen. I want the man I love to love me too and I know you believe you are not capable of this."

"Misao…" I shook my head. I didn't wish to hear what he wanted to say.

"I'll only be with the man I love if he also wishes to be with me. I would never force anyone to be with me Aoshi-sama and therefore I cannot perform this passionate action with you when you have no passion for me. I won't allow it to happen as you only complied to do so because I asked of it. I will not be selfish in this matter and therefore will return to the Aoiya."

"You have changed Misao."

"We all change over time, I just changed faster then everyone thought I would change. This time I'm not thinking of what I want…and therefore must think on what the Oniwabanshuu needs. They need a strong leader…and the bloodline to continue and I will grant Jiya and my grandfather just that." A lone tear strayed down my cheek as a simple thought crossed my mind. I wanted Aoshi-sama to be my first in something…

"Aoshi-sama, I have one selfish favour to ask of you." I watched his right eyebrow rise at this.

"I will not dishonour myself and become impure for my future husband, but I wish to ask if it was alright with you if I could perhaps…kiss you goodbye?" I knew this would surprise him and I felt myself flush at the openness of my question. At the long pause of silence I guess this meant 'no' and I began to rise to my feet.

"I'm sorry for being selfish Aoshi-sama, I should leave."

"Alright…"

"Eh?"

"I said…alright…" I felt more tears pool in my eyes but I bent to his sitting height and drew my lips to his. It was so much more then what I had imagined it to be. Aoshi-sama's skin was so warm, contradicting his icy aura. I never wished to part from this moment and it became even more painful to do so when I felt warm dry lips part slightly against mine. At that I quickly pulled away, my eyes drawing open just like his did behind his long bangs.

I loved him so much that I was breaking my loving ties for him away. I'd loved him for forever and I was breaking my promise to wait for him. I wanted so badly to have him, but Aoshi-sama was to remain, as it seemed, untouchable to love. I was setting Aoshi-sama free while confining myself to a future husband that did not even have a face or a name yet.

"Sayonara…" I whispered to his sitting form before placing a final kiss against his forehead much like he had done to me when I was but a small child. I left in an instant, not once looking back and returned to the main entrance of the temple and stepped out into the bright sunlight and moved slowly down the stairs.

I was heading into an uncertain future, but I felt my lips curve even if tears flowed down my cheeks. I'd finally freed Aoshi-sama from a burden he didn't know how to deal with…and that…was me.

My love for Aoshi-sama would never die, this I knew, but my heart felt a little ease knowing I had kept Hannya-kun's promise. Aoshi-sama was in need of someone to free him and I had done just that while freeing myself.

I headed back to the Aoiya with a clear mind, but a still battered heart. In time it would heal again, I just hoped I would find someone that touched my heart as much as Aoshi-sama had. I guess I wouldn't know until I moved one with my life…and that was what I was prepared to do for the love of the Oniwabanshuu.

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The End

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