Another one.
That was all she was supposed to be, or so had mother said. Another victim for that unknown ritual you didn't even care about.
It was fine. You were used to it and sometimes you gained satisfaction just by ruining some of the sacrifices for her. It was none of the girls' fault, you knew that. But you learned to pick your battles long ago and decided that you did not yet want to truly die. So it was either them or you. You couldn't save all of them.
Living for more than three hundred years had been quite the experience and you weren't about to give up on that opportunity, especially not now. You know that, in the past, you would have. You could have had your doubts but you wouldn't have cared much. This time is was different. This time, continuing your existence is worth it all. For her.
You'd fallen in love once and discovered it was a truly wonderful feeling. You thought that perhaps you were an idiot for letting love cloud your judgment, especially after things didn't end well with Ell. If anything, it was all far from well.
You swore you wouldn't do it again. Falling in love was risky, and useless. You definitely didn't want to get hurt again and you didn't want to put someone else in danger. Mother was dangerous and she was capable of many things. Not only had she hurt you, but Ell as well. She knew no limits and always got what she wanted so you agreed to help her by luring in girls. It was another after another, after another.
You were never really a match for her. You wouldn't stand a chance against her. No one would. You keep telling yourself that you made the right decision and that everything will work out in the end, somehow. But the more you repeat it, the less convincing it sounds. If only everyone else saw it that way. If only Laura understood that. God why couldn't she see that? You keep asking yourself.
Sure, you wish you had told her the truth about the deal you made with mother but you had grown to know Laura quite well despite the conflicts. The petite girl would understand but she would definitely find a way to break the deal and get hurt. That would defeat the whole purpose. Laura was determined. If only there was a way to make her see your point, your feelings. Laura was supposed to have been just another one. Just another victim and you ended up falling in love with her.
Maybe it's your punishment for not being honest about your feelings towards her earlier. Maybe it is now all too late. She kicked you out of the room, asked for space and basically called you a coward. You had no problem with that, it was the least of your worries. The only thing you can't really get out of your head is the disappointed look on her face because she thought you were a badass vampire who could do pretty much anything but stand up to your mother. That was partly true, you think. But you're also a badass vampire who couldn't help but fall in love. The heart wants what it wants, after all.
It's been several hours since the incident. Several hours since you left the dorm room without much protest. Laura hasn't tried to contact you and you figure she won't, she did make herself pretty clear earlier. You feel something within you break at the realization, something you thought you wouldn't feel again because you had built up your walls but unfortunately they had come crumbling down after several months with Laura as a roommate.
You fail to check the time and don't realize that you've spent almost the entire time walking around campus. The sun will be rising soon and you decide it's about time to head back into the dorm, you'll have to deal with it no matter what, sooner or later.
You hear someone pacing around the room before you even enter. Perhaps Laura's enlisted help in trying to find Kirsch and the girls. You debate whether you want to try and convince them all against it, but deep inside you know it will be futile. So you will just enter and ignore everyone. You will let them do their thing and you will do yours. And you do, but it's not quite as you imagined. There's no one in the room except for Laura. She's the one pacing around, still wearing the same clothes from hours ago. You smile internally at the thought that the girl's favorite clothing is probably sleepwear. But she looks like she hasn't slept at all; tired. She throws a glance at you as soon as the door opens and you're not sure whether you see her lighten up at your appearance or if you're just kidding yourself. Either way, you don't say anything. What can you say, anyway?
She stands there. She just stands there looking at you as you jump into your bed. That wasn't so bad, you tell yourself because for some reason you somehow expected worse. A part of you is a little heart broken that she hasn't said a word though.
You know she's there, standing. You are able to spot her out of your peripheral vision but you can't tell if she's staring at you or staring into space. You fail to look at her despite the urges to make eye contact. You have to be stronger than this. You've been strong for too long to let it all down now, so you just look at the ceiling and hope for something. You hope for anything, you're not even sure anymore.
Eventually she sits down on her bed and you feel relieved. You think that maybe she's let it go and she won't dare try to fight your mother. You close your eyes momentarily as you think, it's the only thing keeping you from breaking the silence. That's what Laura asked anyway, you two are "done" after all. That's the way she put it.
You can hear her shifting in her bed and despite that, you feel yourself beginning to lose consciousness and fall asleep. That is until she calls your name.
"Carmilla?" She calls out but you say nothing. You want to, you want to so bad but you convince yourself to have more willpower. Maybe if you keep your eyes closed she won't know you're pretending to be asleep.
She calls your name again and it hurts you. You'd figure that after three centuries you'd be immune to feelings and void of all emotion but here you are... It hurts you because it's no longer "Carm," or the soft way in which she used to say your name. This time it's more distant and cold. As if she were referring to a stranger. You don't want to hear what she has to say because you have a pretty good idea of what she might say and you know you've had enough heartbreak for one day so you finally drift to sleep.
This was intended as a one shot but it will just be around 3-4 chapters. Alternative version of what happens in and after episode 33 of Carmilla. Warning, it will get angsty.