Disclaimer: I don't own the cow level, the idea of there being a cow level, any characters in Diablo or the
ideology that those cows would be psychotic.
The Four Cows of the Apocalypse:
By: Wakuseino
Derek Domestidoom was your average mage. Given his name for his habit of killing domestic animals for no
apparent reason, he was sent to Tristram under the pretense of "saving the world". However, like most of
the mages sent to Tristram, they were just sent there so that the rest of the Visjerei wouldn't have to
deal with them. The hope was that most of those mages would be killed off by the first batch of demons
sent their way.
However, by the time those mages got there, some foolish warrior had single-handedly wiped out all
the demons and managed to pacify Diablo himself. However, there was one unforseen effect of this:
Now that Diablo was gone, there were hordes of extremely dangeorus mages running amok Tristram.
Moments before the end of Tristram, Derek was doing what he did best: rampantly killing cows
and making their corpses explode. However, after making the corpse of his third victim explode,
a revelation came to him.
"If I keep killing them this quickly, they'll be all out of cows! Then I won't have anymore fun!" As
mentioned before, most of the mages here were psychotic. Derek was among the most psychotic of them.
In the distance, Derek saw another cow. In his mind, he knew that this was the last cow in Tristram,
so he would have to make it last. He decided to start off with a small "Firebolt" spell in the cow's
face. The firebolt hit the cow dead on, causing the entire cow to burst into flames.
The enraged cow scanned the area and quickly learned that Derek had fired the flaming lance of pain
that had shot through it. Throwing all cares except revenge away, the infuriated cow charged for Derek.
However, Derek, having seen these sorts of things before, easily dodged the cow.
As the cow began turning into ashes, Derek was almost positive the cow had cried "I'm sorry, great king!!
I have failed you!!"
Derek sat down into a meditative trance to find out what these words had meant. However, before long, a
red portal emerged from where the cow had once been. Shrugging, Derek entered the portal, hoping that
there would be treasure on the other side of the portal, wherever it lead. What was on the other side shocked him.
Two cows standing on 2 feet and carrying a sword and shield in their hands stood before Derek. As soon as
the cows noticed him, they entered a panic.
"What happened to our Bovine Guards on the other side?!!" Screeched one.
The other, much calmer than the first, stated the obvious. "This... This human must have killed them."
The Bovine Guards, reacting quickly, abandoned their shields, grabbed Derek by his arms, and dragged him through
the Moo Moo Farm, eventually depositing him before a cow which seemed to have an aura of majesty about it.
"Oh great Bovine King, this human has murdered our brethren and killed 4 of our Bovine Guards! What shall we do
with him?" The two Bovine Guards said simultaniously. The majestic cow, which shall be henceforth known as the Bovine King,
responded with elequency and mercilessness.
"Kill the human." With that, Derek was decapitated on the spot. However, another thing troubled the Bovine King.
If one human could get in, it would only be a matter of time before more humans entered. Thus, the Bovine King
ordered forth his greatest military commanders.
"Ready the Bovine Soldiers. We attack Tristram at dawn. Burn everything to the ground."