A/N: This is a closer take on 5x23, "Nobody's Fault But Mine." I loved this episode and Danny and Mila's acting was so good that I wanted to re-imagine the scene in Donna's bedroom from Jackie's perspective. The title is taken from an ABBA song. Reviews are always appreciated, enjoy!
Jackie Burkhart stared at the worn black t-shirt in her hands, rubbing the soft material between her fingers. She remembered when Steven had given it to her when he found out it was her birthday, a small smile on his face as he watched for her reaction. And truth be told, she hadn't gotten it at first, had wondered why he was re-gifting her a shirt for a band that wasn't even her favorite.
The Jackie of old, the one who prided herself on being the head cheerleader and was oblivious as Michael cheated on her with every slut in Point Place, would have scoffed at the gift and assumed it was because Steven was too poor to buy her something that was actually valuable. The Jackie of old would never have looked at Steven in the first place, because he was too dirty, too poor, too much of a rebel, and was too much of a burnout. His government conspiracy theories were too crazy, he was too mean, and he made her think too much.
Who she was now, this new Jackie, had gone through too much. From losing Michael, getting him back, and losing him again one final time, to losing her father to jail and her mother to apathy, and now finally to losing her trust. This Jackie loved the t-shirt; it was her favorite gift out of anything she'd ever been given, and she wore it to sleep most nights because she knew what it meant for her to have it. This Jackie didn't care about the money or the reputation or the way things looked. This Jackie loved to think and have actual conversations that didn't revolve around her looks, and she knew her way around a circle and a Zeppelin album.
This Jackie loved Steven Hyde. Too much. And it had gotten her hurt. Again.
Steven was the last person she thought would hurt her. She had been stupid and careless and had actually trusted him, given him her whole heart, and he had turned around and given it to some trashy nurse as soon as he was upset. He had gone out and had been just as bad as Michael used to be, and she never even saw it coming. Again.
She was staring at the t-shirt in her hands and all she could see was the look on his face when he told her how sorry he was and how it would never happen again. His bright blue eyes had never been so clear and vulnerable, and in that moment she considered actually forgiving him. But then that moment ended and she remembered the promise that she had made to herself when she found out about Laurie and all the other girls: she would never be with another boy who cheated on her. So she set her jaw, steeled her resolve, and got out of the El Camino, walking away from the boy she would've given the world to if he had only let her.
He walked in just then, startling her out of her reflections. Looking at him hurt, and seeing him so close to her but with a wall between them for the first time in years made her heart ache. She had felt pain before with Michael, but this was different. With Michael, there was a part of her that knew that he would say whatever he could just to get her back, even if he didn't mean it. She could look at his face and know he didn't feel the full weight of what he was saying when he told her he loved her, but with Steven, she never even got the chance to hear the words.
And now he was looking at her with his shades tucked into the collar of his shirt with those blue eyes and everything hurt. Their conversation in the El Camino was a broken record in her head, along with all the scenarios she had conjured up of his night in the hotel to torture herself with. She felt her eyes start to well up and she blinked, willing them away. She couldn't cry in front of him, couldn't let him know just how badly he had hurt her. She couldn't be vulnerable anymore, and the shields she had erected around her were going to be permanent.
"The thing is, is I'm really sorry," he started, and she could feel his gaze piercing her but she refused to look. She had heard it all before, and of course she knew he was sorry because he was better than Michael in that respect, but it wasn't enough. Words couldn't be enough anymore.
"Yeah, you said that already," Jackie fought to keep her voice level and void of emotion as she turned the page of her magazine, not really seeing it as his t-shirt lay hidden underneath. She didn't want him to know how much he was affecting her, even now as he sat and begged for her forgiveness. Truthfully, she didn't even want to admit to herself that she was hurting as badly as she was, so she fought to pretend that she was really as uncaring as she was acting.
"Come on Jackie," he said, and she could feel his eyes searching her. "I made a mistake, okay? It was a stupid, one-time thing."
At this she finally willed herself to look up and meet his gaze, her jaw set as she stared at him. He sounded just like Michael, who swore that each and every girl he cheated on her with was a one-time thing. Steven was trying to win her back, but he was unknowingly digging his hole even deeper with each word he spoke. She was done with excuses and that's all he seemed able to produce.
"You know what, Steven? I have heard it all before," she shook her head, feeling the tears begin to form again as she considered her next words. "From you, from Michael. God, just do me a favor and leave me alone."
She turned back to her magazine, praying her tears wouldn't slip out and betray her. Deep down, she knew she didn't want Steven to go, didn't want him to give up on fighting for her. She wanted him to be better than Michael was, and she knew he could be just based on the fact that he was here right now groveling for her forgiveness. Everything just hurt too much and she needed to breathe, needed things to go back to the way they were before when they were happy.
"Whatever," he scoffed, back to Zen mode, and she felt her heart break a little. He was really giving up on her. She heard him stand up, and she resolved herself not to look up from her magazine until he was gone, and then she would finally allow herself to cry and feel the weight of losing him.
"Jackie," he paused, his voice deeper and more serious than she had ever heard him speak. He paused, seemingly weighing his words carefully. "I love you."
Blood was pounding in her ears, and she snapped her eyes up to meet his. She can't have heard that right. Steven Hyde was not one for words and expressing emotions, and she had known that as long as she'd known him. She was okay with that, had accepted that she would never get to hear him say it and would have to figure it out on her own. But now he had, and it wasn't at all how she had imagined, because he said it knowing he was going to lose her.
Her eyes glistened as she stared at him, mouth ajar. Steven loved her, truly loved her, enough to push past his own emotional boundaries and actually say it out loud. Steven loved her, and she loved him, and she could see the light at the end of the tunnel. He meant the apology, meant everything he said, and they could finally be happy. Forever.
Jackie opened her mouth to tell him this, to tell him that she loved him too, but a sudden thought stopped her in her tracks. Yes, she loved him. Yes, he loved her too, and she knew that now. It could be so easy to forgive him and push past this and get through it if she said the words.
But Michael had said these words to her too, and she had believed him then every single time. She had gotten hurt every single time, and it was her fault for going back to him. She knew that now. Michael had done the cheating, but she had gone back to the cheater. Not anymore. Steven was not Michael, he was smarter and had more depth and made her think, but in this instance they were the same. And Jackie was not going to fall into this trap again.
"Yeah, well I don't love you." It's a bold-faced lie and they both know it, but it's the only thing she can say right now without dissolving into tears. Jackie loved this boy more than she ever thought she could, but he had broken her heart, so now she had to save what she had left of the pieces.
He was looking at her like his world was crumbling around him and she had to leave. She couldn't be in this room with him anymore, she couldn't breathe, the walls were suffocating her. The posters on the walls seemed to stare at her accusingly, asking her why she was breaking him when she knew how sorry he was; asking her why she was the girl that boys liked to cheat on.
So she left. She broke eye contact with him, knowing she couldn't handle the blues of his eyes anymore, and she fled the room, slamming the door behind her. She didn't look back once, and her head was pounding in a way that she knew she was heading for a breakdown. Locking herself in one of the upstairs bathrooms, she finally allowed the dam to break, and it hurt so, so bad.
Steven Hyde was the poor little orphan boy who had been abandoned and he deserved to be loved, just as she had told him all those nights ago on their very first date. And she loved him with all of her heart, and he loved her too, but it wasn't enough.
It never seemed to be enough.