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My eyes washed over Tanya's sleeping form. She was the epitome of beauty, perfection personified. The envy of many, but she was mine. She had been for nearly two years and until now had never ceased to make my breath hitch. Our relationship was symbiotic; we were one and literally needed one another to function.
But now… Now, I hated her with every fiber of my being. It's why I'd left her for so long. With the range of emotions I'd been feeling, I was terrified by what I was compelled to do to her.
I didn't want her here. I no longer wanted her in my life. She was the bane of my existence. She, like me, was an abomination.
I'd spent the past few hours battling to maintain control and not attack her. To stave off my desire to inflict the same pain and damage she'd so deftly assisted me in delivering upon Angela.
I was an arrogant man, deeply disturbed and hell bent on my single-minded pursuits. There'd been others before, but no one like Angela. I'd betrayed her in wicked ways, greedily stealing her trust and her heart at every turn.
I winced at the sickening churn of self-loathing, anger and heartbreak rattling about my chest.
Sighing, I allowed myself one final moment to steel my emotions. I couldn't afford to lash out like a petulant child; the damage would be catastrophic.
My knee sunk into the mattress, hands ghosting across the duvet as I slid my body next to her. My fingers softly glided to the slit between her curves, tentatively caressing as I gently opened her to me. She welcomed me, glistening with want, eager to please and obey the simplest commands.
Her once teasing mewls no longer held their charm.
FUCK.
A guttural growl tore from my chest as I slapped Tanya away from me. There was a sickening snap as she hit the wall, followed by an ungodly hiss that sputtered and spewed from the wreckage at my feet. Her unrivalled power, speed and resolution were suddenly a broken mess. Screen cracked, keyboard buckled, casing shattered, an insignificant pile of smoldering boards and chips. Tanya was no more. She was dead. Like my heart. Like my fake relationship with Angela.
No amount of frozen Mallowmars and hot cocoa would fix this. It couldn't be undone. Ever. I could tell the truth, but the outcome would still be the same and she'd hate me even more.
I fell back on the bed, eyes locked on the dark abyss of Tanya's cracked LCD. It was all too much to think about. I rolled over, letting my eyes focus on the rivulets of rain cascading down the moonlit window. I was pathetic.
Never before had I been bothered by ending an online relationship. Fourteen months, twelve women and not one regret until now. Angela was different. Very different. She kept me intrigued for over four months. She wasn't all about her major; in fact we'd never discussed either of ours outside of the introductory getting to know you phase. She was easy that way, never pushing or prodding to know more than my Ben Cheney avatar was willing to offer.
All too soon and very much unlike the other women, I found myself wanting Angela to know the "real" me, not the backstory I'd fabricated after hacking into Ben Cheney's student profile at Washington State. That revelation was the tipping point, the exact moment in time, my Big Bang as it were, when my desire to conspire against myself took hold and I threw caution to the wind.
I'd always felt lonely, marred by the knowledge that I was too much of an oddity to be dated and loved by anyone. So I gluttonously took whatever companionship Angela would give me and allowed her into my heart. I was an idiot.
Since the age of fourteen, I'd fought against my baser desire to allow myself to be amongst people. I was a very smart kid, likeable even, but puberty had not been kind to me. The cracking voice and acne were a minor infliction compared to my adolescent death knell. I'd suffered a rather loud and humiliating spontaneous ejaculation during health class my freshman year after witnessing Tanya Denali rolling a condom onto a banana with her teeth. The incident earned me the cruelest knick name, Eww-ward, which clung to me the entirety of high school. I was never allowed to forget how disgusting and unappealing I was. It was the reason I'd chosen to leave Chicago and attend the University of Washington in Seattle, thus guaranteeing I'd never be called Eww-ward again.
The change in location did little to erase the social scars, leaving me to retreat further into my shell. Even my job doing computer repair for the university failed to make me friends and it definitely never got me female attention.
The fear of rejection always goaded me back into the shadows. Their darkness providing comfort to my eccentricities. The preferred window into my carefully constructed life was the glow of a computer monitor.
I'd gotten used to not having any genuine human interaction, never a friend or romantic entanglement, but seeing the bounty of beautiful, intelligent women on campus left me curious. I found myself watching guys easily interacting with the fairer sex, making them laugh, getting their numbers. Kissing and occasionally, public groping.
I wanted that, but it simply wasn't an option for me; I knew my limitations. That's when it hit me. I could have what I wanted with a few strokes of my keyboard. The beauty of anonymity was mine to take. I could be and look like whomever I wanted, with an intricate web of firewalls and a labyrinth of bouncing IP addresses to hide behind. Tanya and some good-looking profile characters would allow me a social life beyond any I had dreamed possible. There was no fear of true rejection. After all, it wasn't me but whichever avatar I chose to role-play with that felt the brunt of any rejection.
I hacked into the other state university, W.S.U., and pillaged the male student profiles, learning vital information such as major and where they were from. I snagged their student ID photos in order to amass a collection of avatars. I made certain to choose guys who were unlikely to use the Internet more than casually, basing my decisions on their major and looks that dictated they would never have a need to date online.
Emmett McCarty - physical education, Jasper Whitlock - music, Ben Cheney - photojournalism, Mike Newton – culinary arts. And the list went on. I created 20 different avatars with the intent to use them with only one girl, then destroy the character profile. I knew it was wrong, but convinced myself I wasn't causing harm. I wasn't stealing their identities for monetary gain, to perform character assassination, or as a guise to have cyber sex. I was a romantic, not a pervert: much to the disappointment of Rosalie Hale. Her sexual innuendos sent the virgin in me screaming from the room. There are just some things women shouldn't want to do to men. Needless to say, she did not take my Emmett avatar's rejection well. I'd never been happier for firewall protection! Of course, I was too much of an ass to see that as a sign to stop before anyone got seriously hurt. Namely, Angela.
FUCK.
My mind reeled back to my final interaction with her. Tears stung my eyes as I chastised myself for destroying everything. I never should have asked what her New Year's resolution was. Her response elated and eviscerated me.
Angel4Unow: My New Year resolution's simple – To finally meet the man I love. *nudge-nudge* I want to finally kiss you! Tell me yours…
It was New Years Eve, the cusp of 2010, and Angela's resolution no longer ticked toward fruition. I'd broken it before it even had a chance. My deft keystrokes ending it all, harsh and unyielding because I could never be who she wanted. It simply wasn't me. I never could be him, no matter how desperately either of us wanted it. I was not Ben. I was not the photojournalism major with a killer smile. I wasn't 5'9 with dark brown hair and matching eyes.
No, I was Edward Anthony Cullen, socially inept, loser virgin, computer geek-extraordinaire. I had ruddy-bronze hair that the rain turned to steel wool regardless of product. I was gangly at 6'1, pale skin amplified to near sickly by my murky green eyes and all-too-angular jaw. To me, my reflection resembled something like a bobble-head.
A frustrated roar escaped me. I'd never be able to delete my response to her. It was bricked with finality, incapable of ever crumbling. I trembled as I typed it, sealing my coffin in the process, but it had to be done. There was no other option. Better a broken heart now than for her to later discover her love was built on lies.
Benpixu: My resolution is just as simple – To end things with you. Good luck.
Clicking "send" was the single most agonizing thing I had ever done. Her chat window sat idle, with no response, as if waiting for me to declare a joke, beg forgiveness, admit my love. I didn't and instead we stayed locked in a stalemate, neither signing off. Finally, after expelling the contents of my stomach, I simply shut Tanya.
I let her be for hours, hoping and praying that by the time I woke her Angela would have signed off. I wanted her to banish me, block my avatar from ever contacting her again. Instead, I found myself instantly connected to our live chat window, new words lighting the screen.
Angel4Unow: I love and forgive you.
They were my undoing. I lashed out at Tanya with all that I had. I wouldn't, couldn't respond and it would inevitably break Angela. I'd robbed her of her love, innocence and trust. I ruined her. Tanya and I truly were abominations.
Stupid Eww-ward!
A sudden chirp of my work pager rescued my sanity. I glanced quickly at the bedside clock, it was a breath past eleven so this would be my only tech call for the night. I didn't even debate answering, I needed the distraction to clear my head.
A grad student was flipping out over possibly losing her thesis. She'd been locked out of her computer by an ex-boyfriend who refused to give up the password. It was most likely a simple encryption but there was no way it could be handled over the phone. A twenty-minute walk for a five-minute job in piss poor weather with a broken heart brimming with low self-esteem and contempt seemed a very appropriate way to end 2009.
I loved the rain and the invisibility it provided. The hurried shuffles fixated on the next destination, umbrellas sucked down low atop heads to conceal their owners. There was no meeting of eyes. No vanity, social status or gauging of worth. There was solitude even in numbers when people focused on getting from A to B and were oblivious of those around them. This always comforted me.
I enjoyed the consoling nature of cool rain, but tonight's drops didn't soothe. They spat hard pancakes against my slicker while imprinting a biting ache upon my exposed flesh. I suddenly found myself thankful for the shitty New Year's Eve shift that everyone else refused to take. I welcomed the windswept pelting as a mere token of penance for my abhorrent actions.
I lumbered up to the door of a gray split-level on the forested end of campus housing. Its flaked paint flicked in protest under the assaulting rain.
My fist moved to knock on the weathered door but pulled back as it flew open. A petite charcoal-tressed co-ed stared up at me.
Time seemed to stop. I'd had this nightmare before: bumping into one of my online entanglements. I would wake in a cold sweat, mind spiraling, wondering if any of them would be able to tell what I'd done just by looking at me. Occasionally, I'd even obsess over what they would do if they did. Those thoughts were never good.
I stood frozen, breath held, face-to-face (or face-to-stomach as it were) with Alice Brandon. My eyes immediately dropped to my feet, as if studying an imperfection on one of my double-buckle rubber boots. I'd courted her two weeks last summer but found her perky personality too overwhelming for my comfort.
"Are you the computer guy?"
"Yeah." I forced a congenial tone, afraid of portraying my guilt.
"I'm Alice."
I tentatively raised my eyes to meet hers, witnessing a slight shift behind them as if she were warring within herself. As quickly as it had appeared, she pushed it back.
Surely she didn't know who I was. She couldn't, we'd never met or spoken, only instant messaged. For all intents and purposes, she'd had her heart broken by Jasper Whitlock, not Edward Cullen. I allowed that knowledge to put me at ease. I would get through this job quickly and disappear into the night without her the wiser. What she didn't know wouldn't hurt me.
I quickly said my name, hoping to ease any tension. "Edward."
A warm smile lit her face. She called back over her shoulder, into the house. "He's here! Get a move on, I'd like to ring in the New Year at the proper hour! We'll be at the car!"
She bounded out of the door, pulling me to a black Camaro parked in the drive and opening a rear door for me. "The computer's not here but don't worry, we're going to take you to it."
I hesitated slightly before sliding in. The sooner I got this over with, the sooner I could leave. Part of me wanted to laugh at the absurd justice of the situation. I deserved the anxiety of a car ride with her, perhaps adding another token to my penance.
Alice climbed in the front passenger seat, turning back to me once more, the foreboding glint in her eye momentarily returning. There was definitely something in that look.
The situation didn't feel right. An uneasy feeling settled in my gut. Why would the computer be somewhere else? Why not give me directions to that location instead of this one? Who were we waiting on? No, something wasn't right.
I was about to voice my concerns when Rosalie Hale slid into the driver's seat while Jasper Whitlock and Emmett McCarty sandwiched me in from both passenger doors. I was trapped. The four horsemen of the Apocalypse had united to wreak divine havoc upon my world.
Alice's too chipper voice rang out. "Guys, this is Edward. Edward, this is Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett."
The bile rose quickly, its acid sting lashing at my clenched throat. A claustrophobic flush engulfed me, cold sweat bubbling at my brow. It was only a matter of moments before I lost my stomach contents for the second time, right there on the floor of the car.
My surge of panic drowned out any greetings they may have made. I felt like I'd been submerged under water, flailing and unable to find purchase. It had to be a terrible dream. How could they have possibly all met? They didn't even attend the same university. None of them knew each other.
No-no-no-no-no! NOoooo! Not possible. The mathematical probability was nil.
I had been so wrapped up in my inner musing that I didn't realize we were already driving. This was not good. I needed out of the car. I scrambled for a logical way to extract myself without making them angry. I still didn't know if this was something random or if this was intentional. Finally, it hit me.
"Uh, um, I'm not allowed to go anywhere with you guys. I can't service a computer off-campus, it's University policy."
Emmett clapped a meaty palm on my shoulder, giving it a gentle but very firm squeeze. "Dude, it's not that far. It's just off route 10. Besides, we won't rat you out. If anyone questions us, we'll just say we never saw you tonight. Trust me, they'll believe four corroborating statements."
Corroborating statements?! As in witness statements? As in police inquiring about my missing person case statements?! FUCK!
"No, please. You can just drop me here. I'd like to get out. Stop the car, please."
A smooth Southern drawl resonated beside me. "Relax, man. Just take a few breaths. We're all friends here, enjoying the night. Here, have a swig from my flask."
He withdrew a tarnished silver flask from his jacket pocket, expertly flicking the cap off and holding it out to me. Was he trying to drug me?!
"NO!" My hand violently pushed his hand back, splashing some of the flask's contents onto Jasper and myself. A thick silence filled the car as everyone, including me, tensed for his response. An excruciating moment passed as his eyes bore into the wet area of his jacket before taking several calculated swigs from the flask. It wasn't drugged.
Emmett's large paw took up new residence behind my neck giving a bit of a shake. "Eddie, you need to chill the fuck out. Stop squashing the New Year's buzz."
Jasper let out a low laugh. "You're acting like we're taking you out to the woods to kill you. Tripping on something tonight, Edward?"
They were right. Maybe I was over reacting. I still wanted out of the car, though.
"Wait." Jasper narrowed a feral gaze upon me. "Have you done something, Eddie, that deserves that type of retribution?"
The other shoe finally dropped. Its thunderous connotation sucker-punched the life out of me. I was guilty. I deserved to have my ass kicked but not dead. Definitely, not dead. I could barely form the word as I forced it from my mouth. "N-n-no."
A wide grin broke across Jasper's face. "Then I guess, if the crime ain't bad enough for death, you've got no problem. Now stop being rude and take a fucking drink!"
This time I took the flask, greedily chugging down most of its contents. If he wanted me to drink, I was going to drink.
The car erupted in laughter. I didn't know whether to do the same or cry. I still wasn't sure if this was some twisted game and I would be six-feet under before midnight or drunk off my ass hacking a computer password. It didn't matter, I was safe for the moment and that's all I cared about.
Alice spun around in her seat to face me. "So, do you have a girlfriend?"
I barked out a defeated laugh, refusing to have my thoughts of Angela tainted by this situation. "No."
Rose whipped her head around, quirking a brow and taking a mocking tone. "You too afraid to get out from behind your computer?"
It was impossible to know if she was calling me out. It felt as though she was laying in wait to pounce upon my answer. I'd run screaming from her once, I would not give her the satisfaction again.
"Just concentrating on school, I guess."
She shot me a quick glare before turning back to the road. Emmett chuckled. "What's it like, getting access to people's private lives? I mean, you get to prowl around people's computers. Ever get tempted?"
"No. I don't do that. I would never—"
Rosalie's shrill laugh cut me off. "Yeah, I bet."
Alice shot Rosalie a warning look before focusing on me. "Ignore Rosalie, she has little faith in humanity."
"I'm a realist."
"Realist, pessimist, whatever. We still love you, Rose, but hush. Maybe he can help us find our cyber cupid? Can you, Edward? "
Alice was looking at me like I held the keys to the universe. I couldn't wrap my brain around what she was saying and asking. "I'm sorry, cyber cupid?"
There was a flash of movement as Alice bounded over the seat and promptly plopped into Jasper's lap.
"Yeah, we sort of met when some guy impersonated Jasper and Emmett online. Used their student ID pictures and everything. It's kind of creepy but you know, he was a good matchmaker. Without him, we wouldn't have found true love."
Rosalie groaned in protest. Emmett playfully scolded her. "Now Rosie, you know if dick weasel hadn't been trying to rock your world, then we never would have met. I think I owe the guy. Sure I'd like to knock him into next week for rejecting my girl, but I'm damn thankful for his stupidity."
I shook my head, certain I must have misheard them. Did they really think my identity-thieving charade had been positive? Had my actions brought them love and happiness?
Emmett leaned closer to tell their story. "I met Rosie during a pub crawl. I was here for a sports medicine seminar and we all went out drinking the final night. I'd barely broken the threshold of the bar when she slapped me across the face and called me a prude with a small dick. Of course, five minutes later I was proving her wrong in the back alley. She's been my girl ever since."
Alice had barely let him finish when she jumped in with her story. "I met them a few weeks later. Jazz's band was playing at a bar and I'd seen the flyer earlier that day on campus. I went there to confront him, only I took one look at him and lost my nerve. He's just too beautiful. So I decided to pound some shots to gather liquid courage. That's when I met Em and Rose; they were sitting next to me at the bar. After drinking Em under the table, Rose and I hit it off. I told her about Jazz's lack of Internet etiquette, which got us comparing stories. I got up the courage to ask Jazz if he'd been IM'ing with me and he said he didn't even know what that was. You see, he doesn't even own a computer."
Alice adoringly kissed his cheek, and fell back into his chest. He kissed the top of her head. Alice giggled before continuing. "That's when we all discovered that we'd been played by the same player. I know we should probably be really mad and we were at first but if it weren't for him, we wouldn't be together. You can't hate someone for bringing the best person in your life to you, you know?"
I quietly nodded, still reeling from their stories. I wanted to be relieved that my actions hadn't scarred them, but all I could think about was how I'd damaged Angela. There wouldn't be a happy ending for her because even if she met the real Ben Cheney, he wouldn't be me: the personality she fell in love with and the man who truly loved her. Ben wouldn't collect vintage computer keyboards or glacier ice samples. He wouldn't have an unhealthy addiction to frozen Mallowmar cookies and hot cocoa. He wouldn't be able to make her laugh with binary code humor. He definitely wouldn't be able to send her live feeds of the Earth by hacking into satellites just to make her smile. He probably wouldn't find her favorite drink of Skittles and cranberry juice endearing. He probably wouldn't even get that her font color was always a reflection of her day – pink meant fun, brown meant boring, yellow meant overwhelming, green meant easy, black meant dreadful. He'd surely be too obtuse to pick up on that. No, he'd never love her the way I do, the way she deserves. So, there would never be a happy ending for Angela.
Alice squealed, pulling my focus back to her. "We're here! Fifteen minutes to midnight!"
I glanced out the window to a large cabin, where some sort of frat party was in full swing. Several drunk partiers dancing in the rain spewed boisterous whoops and hollers for the impending countdown.
Before I knew it, Alice dragged me out of the car and inside. It had definitely become a habit of hers, her overly eager personality finally rubbing off on me. I couldn't help but marvel at her deft negotiation through the sea of people. She led me to a room at the end of the hall and pushed me through the door into a small den.
"The laptop is on the desk. I'll go find Bella in case you need her for anything."
"Okay, but I should be fine." I dumped my messenger bag on the desk and got to work.
Alice smiled and turned to leave, but stopped. "Hurry, so you can ring in the New Year!"
I meekly nodded. I didn't have the heart to tell her I had no interest in doing that. Everything had been too much. I was emotionally raw, utterly wrecked and on the verge of sobbing. The humiliation of that occurring in this place was just enough to keep the tears at bay. I only wanted to get this done and get out of there. I'd call a cab and slip out the back without them noticing.
I plugged in my external drive and opened the laptop. The password screen was up. I restarted, forcing the computer to run off of my drive, and ran my decrypting program. Within seconds, I had a series of asterisk symbols pop-up on the screen.
Several spaces between the symbols meant it was a pass phrase instead of a word. It didn't matter; my program would have it figured out in five minutes instead of two.
"Have you cracked it yet?" A soft voice called out from behind me. I jumped, not having heard anyone enter. She went on, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."
"It's fine. I'm running my decrypting program now."
I turned around to find a whisper of a brunette standing just inside the door. Her chestnut eyes were politely inquisitive in their perusal of me, her pale pink lip tucked shyly between her teeth. There was a heartbreaking innocence about her, both captivating yet curious. Her clothes were eclectic, charming in their contradictions – the collar and sleeves of a crisp white button down peeked out from under a well-worn Scooby Doo T-shirt that knotted over a frayed denim skirt. Black tights with grey knit socks that slouched from her knees into a pair of green Chucks. She was unique, unabashed and wearing her personality for all to see. I found an odd comfort in it, in her.
A timid smile broke across her face, alerting me to the fact I'd been staring. I inwardly scolded myself and swiftly turned back to the computer. "I'll, uh, be done in a few minutes."
"Oh, alright. The computer you're fixing is Jake and… I'm Bella."
Her name fit her perfectly. She was beautiful, stunning in her eccentricity. Hearing that she'd named her computer tugged at my splintered heart. It was endearing and made me want to talk to her, but it wouldn't be meaningful, genuine. At least not from her; she was obviously just making polite, superficial conversation to fill the time until I'd fixed her computer.
I immediately felt awkward. I couldn't deal with another time-filler conversation, especially from someone like her. Someone – were I less weird, significantly more attractive and light years more confident – whom I would ask out on a real date. A date on which there might be a miniscule chance that I could even kiss her.
FUCK.
Even if any of that were a possibility, which it would never be, I was faced with the searing fact that I didn't deserve any of it. Not after what I'd done. Not after, only mere hours ago, I'd destroyed the one person to ever love me. I was disgusting. How could I love Angela yet be so drawn to someone I'd only met a few moments ago? Was I truly capable of such an atrocity? Where was my shame? The self-loathing and guilt that ate away at my core had somehow momentarily abated due to Bella's presence.
DOUBLE FUCK!
I scrunched my eyes closed, begging the knot in my throat to hold back a fresh well of emotions threatening to break loose. My fists clenched at my sides, attempting to squash any outburst. I didn't want to lose it in front of Bella.
Her melodic voice continued. "My brother, Emmett, thinks I'm weird for naming my computer. But people name their cars, right? I mean, I spend more time with Jake than anybody. He knows more about me than my family. He's like a best friend."
My already aching heart took another hit because I felt the same way. It's why I had always named mine. God, she really was perfection. I was done for.
I felt her focused attention on my downturned face as if beckoning me to look at her. I was unwilling to meet her silent request, afraid she'd see through my shakily constructed façade. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment.
I don't know how long we stood like that, me not responding once to her charming banter. The room filled with unspoken sadness at my clear rejection of her friendliness. It was better that way. I was certain that it was only a matter of moments before she found me rude and left. But she didn't.
The sharp clang of metal drew my attention to her movements. I watched with rapt fascination as she pulled a rickety stepladder from behind a filing cabinet. She picked up our one-way conversation as if the silence between us had been one shared comfortably between friends.
"It'd be strange to not call your best friend by a proper name, don't you think? Besides, if naming Jake means I'm a freak, I'd hate to think what collecting vintage computer keyboards makes me."
Could she really be as quirky as I was? The corners of my mouth raised into a smile as she dragged the metal monstrosity over to me and set it up. "Everyone's got to be a little strange to be normal, especially in their twenties. There's pride in showing off hard earned war wounds from surviving the gauntlet of adolescence. Strange is good. It's great."
Bella's face lit up once she was safely perched atop the stepladder, making us eye-level. Her eyes were full of hope and an emotion that ran deeper than friendship. Her voice, softer now, was full of wonderment as she took in my intense gaze. She let out a sigh of relief. "There you are. It's good to finally see you. Let's try this again. I'm Bella." She held her hand out to me, refusing to break eye contact.
I didn't understand our connection, but I wasn't unnerved. Not by her new proximity or boldness. I welcomed them both. It made me feel like I mattered to her. That being able to see each other's eyes and facial expressions were an important part of how she wanted to interact with me. For as long as I was in that room with her, I counted. No one had ever done that before. Ever.
In that moment, all the emotional turmoil I'd just been experiencing disappeared. It was just me and this delicate woman, whom for some unknown reason thought I was worth it. I couldn't bring myself to regret a second of what we were sharing. Throwing all inhibitors out the window, I found the courage I'd forgotten I possessed and reached for her stretched hand.
"I'm Edward. My computer's name is Tanya."
A loud ding sounded from Jake, startling Bella. Her face paled, eyes shifting to the computer screen nervously. Her extended hand fell, fingers ghosting past mine on their descent. Taunting and teasing, leaving me aching for what was no longer offered. "I think my computer's ready."
The change in her disposition smacked me back to reality. I chastised myself for buying into the fantasy. This, what I was experiencing with her, was always going to end. I hated myself for taking the illusion because this stung even more than anything. I wasn't hiding behind the security of an avatar. The harsh truth was that this was ending because I was me. The geeky computer tech, only there to fix her computer. Her social obligation to me ended with Jake's annoying ding.
I spun back to the computer. I couldn't allow Bella to see how ridiculous I was. I furiously blinked away the sting of tears from my eyes. I focused my attention on the revealed pass phrase now visible on the screen:
I still love and forgive you, Edward.
My heart stopped. Why did those words echo Angela's? This was Bella's computer. How was that possible?
With a trembling hand, I clicked to accept the pass phrase. The screen was instantly replaced with Bella's desktop. On screen was an idle chat window – Angela's chat window, with our final instant message exchange still waiting for my response.
I gasped. It was all there on the screen, comprehension sending my stilled heart fluttering, both sinking and soaring at once. Was she? Could she? I had to know. I spun back to meet her tentative smile.
"I do, you know, love and forgive you." She chuckled lightly. "Even though you've broken up with me ten times."
Ten times?! "What? I don't understand? How –"
Bella shrugged like it was no big deal. Her smile turned coy. "I'm Angela and Jessica and Kate, Irina, Victoria, Leah, Sue, Lauren, Jane and Charlotte. I'm every one of your online girls except Rose and Alice. At first, I hacked your computer as a favor to Emmett, to catch you in the act and expose you, but I fell for you. I assumed whatever woman's avatar I thought you'd be interested in. Every time, hoping to find the one you'd allow yourself to let go with. Finally, my tenth choice, Angela, you liked. I pushed you too soon to meet me, though."
She paused, tucking her lip between her teeth once more, allowing me time to process her confession.
It was surreal, implausible that this beautiful woman had done all of that for me. She'd hacked my system to get to know me. Me, Edward Anthony Cullen. I was stunned.
Her infectious laughter broke once more. "I thought poor Rose was going to spontaneously combust when I told her. I spent an entire week talking her out of stringing you up by your balls. Everyone was worried at first but came around once they saw how happy you'd made me these past months. They helped me plan tonight. Although Jasper, Em and Rose insisted on tonight's car ride to scare you which, no offense, you deserved every second of."
I made her happy? I was incapable of speech. This little thing stood up to the very scary Rosalie Hale, defending a man whose actions were anything but honorable. Had she really been able to see past all my false bravado to the man behind the curtain? It certainly felt like we were in the strange but wonderful land of Oz.
Bella's fingers fidgeted with the edge of her frayed skirt. "Please don't be mad that I broke into your system. I just did it to put a face to the bouncing IP and track its IM connections."
She eyed me speculatively, gathering courage. "Angela was more me than any of the others. I think it was the same for you with Ben. I don't know. What we had was special. It made me fall in love with you."
I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. The words that came to mind didn't do justice to what I longed to express. She was Angela, the woman I fell in love with, whom I wanted more than anything to have in my life and she felt the same way.
Bella let out a frustrated sigh, her bottom lip worried between her teeth, brow furrowed. "I'm talking too much. I'm sorry. I'm just – I'm nervous. It's a byproduct of the anxiety… Edward, you don't have to love me just because I love you. I mean, I was the only one of us who knew what was really going on, so of course you don't love me. You're probably really angry and hurt. I hope you'll forgive me. One day. UGH. I'm still talking."
Bella clapped a hand over her mouth. She looked mortified, rolling her eyes in chastisement for continuing to talk. She was adorable, stomping her tiny Chucked feet in annoyance as she moved to climb down from the stepladder. Petulant and perfect!
I was in front of her before her feet had a chance to hit the ground. My body blocked her descent; I wanted her to read my expression. She'd know with one look what I was feeling. A radiant blush enveloped her downtrodden face. I knew that feeling well; she too was terrified of rejection.
My hands instinctively cupped her cheeks, gently prodding her to take me in as I told her, asked her to be mine. "I love you – You silly, beautiful, extraordinary freak. There is nothing to forgive."
The most incredible smile lit her from head to toe. She was breathtaking.
There was only one more thing I needed to do. "Now that you've met your boyfriend in person…" I leaned in closer, our faces a mere breath apart. "I want to make the other part of your resolution happen. Can I… May I kis—"
Bella's lips dipped over mine, her hands fisting my slicker, securing me to her. I was momentarily frozen, unprepared for her actions and the depth of desire it stirred. The simple friction of our first kiss was more erotic than anything I'd dreamed possible.
I took her bottom lip between mine, my tongue softly brushing across it. My hands moved of their own volition, weaving themselves into her long hair to pull her closer and deepened our contact.
Bella gasped, her tongue delicately meeting mine. We moved in unison, each giving and taking, turning ourselves over to the other.
A riotous commotion erupted from beyond the closed door to the den, momentarily stilling us. Our foreheads touching, both silently thankful for our oasis from the cacophony of "Happy New Year!" screams.
Neither of us needed the obligatory exultation because we'd already embraced the sentiment. It was 2010, a fresh start, with a real chance for Bella, for me, and for us. It was indeed a very happy new year!
Authors Note: This story was written for the lovely Starlightsuccubus. The prompts that inspired this story were her request for Geekward to be dragged to a frat party on New Year's Eve and a character's angsty New Year's Eve story.
Check out all the Twilight Gift Exchange Fics. They are amazing and incredibly creative. You won't be disappointed!
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns any Twilight characters that may appear in this story. Everything else is my original work. Please do not copy, distribute or reproduce without asking.
All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.