This is a sequel to my story, Crashing, and its rewrite, Vitality, which is still in progress.
I just couldn't get it out of my head, wondering how Barry would react if the cancer came back after he was cured, how he would tell everyone and how they would react.
This is basically just a long oneshot. I will not be continuing it or going into a full blown story about how they would treat it the second time around. It's basically just how they would react initially to the news that the cancer is back.
Relapse
Barry closed the bathroom door as quietly as possible, quickly locking it before going over to the sink, a tissue pressed to his face. He lowered the tissue and stared into the bathroom mirror, his eyes falling on the red fluid that was flowing from his nose.
Relax, he thought to himself, Don't freak out just yet. It's just a nosebleed. It doesn't mean anything.
But it was the third one this week.
He couldn't ignore it anymore. He couldn't ignore the fatigue he had been feeling, passing it off as not getting enough sleep. He couldn't ignore the repulsion he was starting to feel at the sight of most foods now. He couldn't ignore the dizziness he had been feeling or the headaches that had been keeping him up at night.
He couldn't ignore the symptoms.
"This can't be happening," Barry said quietly to himself, his eyes filling with tears as he looked into the bathroom mirror.
The shadows under his eyes were starting to darken again. It wasn't extremely noticeable just yet, but now that he saw it, it was all he could see. Barry knelt down and opened the cupboard under the sink, pulling out the small digital bathroom scale they kept there. He took a deep breath before stepping onto it, waiting anxiously for the number to appear.
171
No, he thought desperately, No, no, no, no.
He should be 183. Just two weeks ago he had been 183. This couldn't be happening. Not again. It had to be a nightmare. Or maybe it was all just in his head. He was just being paranoid. He had been cured for nearly six months now, though. Why would he now all of a sudden start to imagine these symptoms?
No. They were really happening. It wasn't in his head.
Barry took a deep, shuddering breath, a single tear escaping one of his eyes as he stepped off the scale. He had a sick feeling in his stomach and a crushing sensation enveloping his heart. How could this be happening again?
Suddenly, there was a knock on the bathroom door.
"Barry?" Iris's voice said from the other side, "Are you almost done in there?"
"Y-yeah," Barry answered, tucking the scale away and wiping the tears and blood from his face.
He took a deep breath before opening the door. Iris was standing there on the other side of it, smiling at him.
"Sorry," he muttered, slipping past her.
She reached out an arm to stop him.
"Everything okay?" she asked, peering into his face with concern.
"All good," Barry said, pulling a smile up.
"What happened?!" she asked suddenly, her eyes widening in alarm.
She was looking at the bloody tissue he had in his hand.
"Oh," he said, closing his hand around the tissue so she couldn't see, "It's nothing. I cut myself shaving, that's all. It healed already."
She stared at him, and, for a moment, Barry thought for sure she had seen right through him, but then Iris laughed.
"You're such a klutz, Bar," she said with a laugh, "Just because you have your speed healing back now, it doesn't mean you don't have to be careful."
Barry gave her the best laugh he could manage, but a small part of him was dying on the inside. He tried not to let his crushing grief show though as he replied.
"Yeah, you're probably right."
As Barry walked back to his bedroom, he had to tell himself to keep it together. He didn't really even know anything yet. So far it was just the symptoms. It could be any number of things that was causing this. It didn't necessarily have to mean that the cancer was back. He'll just go to Caitlin, and she'll tell him that it was all just in his head. There was no point in panicking just yet.
He should go straight to Caitlin now. Get it over with. Put his mind at ease. He couldn't go though. He needed time to process it alone, to mentally prepare himself for what she might tell him. And a part of him felt like, as long as he didn't have it confirmed by her yet, he could still pretend like it wasn't happening. He could still tell himself that it was all just in his head.
No. He was not going to make this same mistake again. He wasn't going to just ignore the symptoms and wait for it to get bad before asking for help. He needed to go to Caitlin. He needed to go now. Not tomorrow, not later today. He needed to go right now.
Barry took a deep breath and gritted his teeth before flashing to STAR Labs.
"Hey, man," Cisco greeted from where he was sitting in the cortex, "I was just improving the com system on your suit. I connected it to your cellphone now, so you can take phone calls while you're out in the field."
"That's great, Cisco," Barry said quickly, wringing his hands and looking around the room, "Where's Caitlin?"
"She's calibrating the MRI machine for your monthly scan on Thursday," he answered, "Why? What's up?"
"Nothing," Barry said immediately, trying to keep the sadness and anxiety out of his voice.
What was he supposed to say? I think I might have cancer again? What would be the point in worrying Cisco before he knew anything for sure? No, it was better to leave him out of this, at least for now.
"I just need to talk to her about something," Barry said casually, "I'm going to go to the radiology lab to find her."
With that, Barry turned and left the cortex. Cisco shrugged and went back to working on the suit, dismissing Barry's odd behavior.
"Caitlin," Barry said in a strained voice as he entered the MRI lab.
She turned away from the MRI panel she was working on to look at him.
"What's wrong?" she asked immediately, seeing the distressed look on Barry's face.
"I—I need you to scan me today," he said, looking at the MRI machine, "I don't want to wait until Thursday."
She gave him a confused look, surveying him closely.
"Why?" she asked.
"I just want to make sure everything is still good, that's all," he said quietly, "And…and maybe you could give me a physical? And do some blood work?"
"Sure," she said, looking at him curiously, "I was planning to do all of that on Thursday anyways as a part of your monthly screening, but if you want we can do it today instead."
Barry nodded, his expression serious.
"Is something wrong, Barry?" she asked him concernedly, "What brought this on?"
Barry let out a shaky breath and looked away from her, his expression one of pure misery. How was he supposed to tell her? He didn't really know how to explain how he knew. He just did. It wasn't just the symptoms. Barry could tell that it was back, and he didn't know how to explain that to her. He didn't want to explain that to her. He didn't want any of this. He would give anything for this to not be happening right now.
"I don't feel right," he told her quietly, unable to look her in the eye as he searched for a way to tell her this, "I've been feeling tired lately, and I'm not thinking straight, forgetting things. I…I just don't feel right."
"That can be any number of things," Caitlin told him reassuringly, putting a hand on his arm, "I'll run all the tests to make sure, but there's no point in worrying yet."
"I've been getting nosebleeds," Barry said quietly.
Caitlin paled slightly, her eyes widening just the smallest bit.
"And I've lost weight," he admitted, looking at the ground, "Over ten pounds."
"Barry…" Caitlin said, her hand on his arm tightening slightly.
She didn't know what to say. They weren't good signs. They were congruent with the symptoms he had had before. This wasn't good, and they both knew it.
"I'll run all the tests," she said quietly.
Barry nodded, his lips pressed tightly together into a frown.
Barry watched Caitlin's face as he laid in the MRI machine, and he analyzed her expressions as she looked over the images. Her face stayed smooth and calm through most of it, and Barry was just starting to think that maybe everything was okay, maybe it was all in his head, and then he saw it.
He saw Caitlin's face suddenly fall as she pulled up another image on her screen. He couldn't see the image himself from where he was in the machine, but Caitlin's face told him all that he needed to know. It wasn't good.
"What did you find?" he asked her immediately as she was helping him out of the machine.
She gave him an uneasy look, not answering him right away.
"Caitlin, what did you find?" he asked her again urgently.
She sighed.
"There was some tumor growth," she said quietly, tears filling her eyes.
Barry felt all the air leave his lungs in an instant. He sat down in a chair near the machine, bracing his hands on his knees. Caitlin stood there next to him, watching him sadly as he took in this news. It took him a moment or two before he could say anything.
"Where?" he asked in a strained voice.
"A few different areas," she answered him vaguely, looking at him with watery eyes.
She moved closer to him, sitting down in the rolling desk chair next to him. Barry stared at his hands in his lap.
"There were a few on your right kidney," she said quietly, watching his face, "And on your liver and prostate."
Barry nodded, still not looking at her but waiting for her to continue.
"It's in your lymphatic system," she said softly, reaching out slowly to touch his neck, "Mostly in these lymph nodes here."
Even as she lightly touched his neck, she could feel the scattered lumps underneath his skin there. They weren't soft the way lymph nodes were supposed to feel. They were hard and larger than normal.
They were definitely tumors.
Barry didn't say anything as she lowered her hand. His eyes were watery as they stared down at his hands.
"And there were a few more," Caitlin said, her voice barely more than a whisper, "There were a few…"
She swallowed, knowing this would probably be the hardest part for him to hear. Barry looked up at her, waiting for her to continue.
"In your brain," she said quietly.
Barry sucked in a large breath of air before covering his mouth with his hand, closing his eyes in anguish.
"No," he said in a strained voice.
A few tears finally leaked from his eyes.
"I'm so sorry, Barry," Caitlin choked, placing a hand on his.
Barry didn't say anything. He sat there, a few tears flowing from his eyes as he processed what she was telling him. It was so much worse now that it had been confirmed by her. Before, he had just been afraid that it might be true. Now that he knew that it actually was, that the cancer was really back, it all became so much worse, so much more real.
"They could be benign," Caitlin suggested hopefully.
Barry let out a humorless laugh, rubbing his hands over his face.
"Yeah," he huffed, "Benign."
"I'm going to take some blood," Caitlin said quietly after a moment, "And give you a checkup."
Barry simply nodded, his face in his hands.
"Do you want to go up to the med bay?" she asked him.
"No," he said immediately, "Can we just do it all here? I don't want to be in there, in that room, right now, and I…I don't want Cisco to find out just yet."
Caitlin gave him a sad look.
"You know he's going to find out eventually, Barry," she said softly, "They all are."
Barry let out a shaky sigh.
"I know," he said quietly, "I know they are. It's just…God, Caitlin, how am I going to tell them?"
And then Barry cracked. He lets the sobs out, his shoulders shaking as he buried his face in his hands. Caitlin reached out and wrapped an arm around him, hugging him as he cried.
"It's okay, Barry," she said, "Everything is going to be okay. We know how to treat it now, and we caught it earlier this time."
"Can you treat it quickly?" he asked her, looking up at her with watery eyes, "Maybe if you just get rid of it quickly, I won't have to tell them. We can just keep this between us."
"Barry, this is not something you should keep from them," Caitlin said gently, "And you're going to need the support. You can't go through this alone. You know that by now."
"I have support," he insisted, "I have you."
"You need your family too, Barry," Caitlin said painfully, "And they deserve to know. You can't keep this from them."
"I don't know how to tell them," Barry choked, "I don't even know how to begin to tell them."
"Hey," Caitlin said, touching Barry's arm, waiting for him to look at her, "You don't have to do this alone. We can tell them together."
Barry sighed and wiped his face.
"I can't tell them just yet," he said, "I just need some time…to process it, on my own."
Caitlin nodded understandingly.
"I know what you mean," she said kindly, "But Barry…we need to start treatment. We can't wait."
Barry nodded sadly, and Caitlin couldn't help but notice the fear in his watery eyes. She understood it. She was scared too, and she wasn't even the one who this was happening to. It wasn't her body that was going to be pumped full of chemo drugs or subjected to high doses of radiation. She wasn't the one who was going to be throwing up or losing her hair.
But she felt the pain of it all. It wasn't happening to her, but she could feel Barry's pain as if it were her own. She could feel his fear.
"Hey, captain?" Barry asked, standing awkwardly in the doorway of Singh's office.
"Director Allen," Singh said, his lips twitching.
He beckoned for Barry to come further into the room, taking note of how he shut the door tightly behind him.
Barry sat down on the other side of Singh's desk, not looking the other man in the eye. He still wasn't used to the way the captain treated him now. It was not only kinder because of his near death experience; it was also with more respect. The captain had been extremely impressed with how Barry had taken on his new director position. Six months on the job, and Barry had managed to improve the entire forensics department, not just in their precinct, but in all the other neighboring precincts as well.
And on top of all of that, Barry still found the time to do regular CSI work, teaching Carl as he did so. The other young CSI was starting to become Barry's prodigy, and Barry usually beamed at him with pride as he taught him all that he knew. None of this had escaped Singh's notice.
"What can I do for you, Barry?" the captain asked him.
Barry couldn't look up at the other man. He stared at his hands in his lap, a solemn look on his face.
"I might have to take some time off soon," Barry said quietly.
"Time off?" Singh said. He sighed in exasperation but gave Barry a small smile nonetheless, "I suppose you've earned yourself a nice vacation. You still have some vacation days left for the year so—"
"I'm not taking vacation days," Barry said in a strained voice, still staring down at his hands, "I…I need to take another sick leave, captain."
He looked up at Singh then, his eyes communicating what he couldn't say. Singh's eyes widened as he understood.
"Allen," he said seriously, "It's not…?"
Barry sighed and nodded.
"It's back," he said quietly, "The cancer is back."
"Oh my God, Barry," Singh said, covering his mouth, "I'm so sorry."
"It's alright," Barry said quietly, "I'm getting it taken care of. I should hopefully not need to take so much time off this time while we're treating it. We caught it earlier this time, so it shouldn't be as bad now. I shouldn't be gone for too long."
"I'm not worried about that," Singh said dismissively, "You take all the time you need, Barry."
Barry nodded.
"Thank you, sir," he said softly.
"How's Joe taking all of this?" the captain asked, looking out the windowed wall of his office to see Detective West working at his desk.
"He doesn't know," Barry replied.
Singh quickly turned his head back to look at him.
"He doesn't know yet?" he asked incredulously, "How does he not know yet?"
"I haven't told him," Barry said, "I only just found out about it yesterday."
"But why are you telling me before telling him?" Singh asked in confusion, "Why wouldn't you tell your family first? Isn't that more important?"
Barry sighed.
"I don't know if I want them to know," he said, "At least not yet. I'll tell them once I start my treatment and things are looking better, but right now…I just don't want to tell them anything until I know for sure that it's all going to be okay. I'm only telling you right away because I start my treatment tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" Singh said, "That soon?"
"It…it's spreading fast," Barry said in a strained voice, "I won't bore you with all the details of it, but the point is that we have to start treatment immediately. I know it's not much notice for you, but—"
"Barry, please don't worry about that," Singh insisted, "Your health is more important. I can make do with the short notice."
"Thank you, sir," Barry said gratefully.
Singh sighed and looked out his office window again to where Joe was sitting.
"You should really tell him, Barry," the captain said quietly.
Barry looked over at Joe too, his stomach twisting just at the prospect of telling him that he was sick again. He didn't think he could bear it. He didn't think he would even be able to get the words out.
"I don't know how to," Barry admitted, "I just need time to figure it out. For now…do you think you could tell him that you assigned me to work in another precinct or something? I don't want to explain to him why I'm taking time off."
Singh gave him an uneasy look.
"Barry…"
"Just until I figure out how to tell him," Barry pleaded, "I won't be able to hide the fact that I'm sick again from him for long anyways. I just need you to do this for me until then."
"Barry, I can't lie to him about this," Singh said painfully, "I can't lie to a man about his kid who's sick. I…"
"Please," Barry begged, "David, please."
The captain gave Barry a torn look, not sure what to do. After a moment, he nodded.
"Okay, Barry," he said quietly.
"Thank you," Barry said, sighing in relief, "Thank you so much!"
The captain just nodded, looking at Barry with sad eyes for a moment before speaking again.
"I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Barry," he said solemnly.
Barry gave him a sad smile in reply.
"If you need anything, anything at all, just ask," the captain said seriously.
"You've already done more than enough for me," Barry assured him, standing up from his chair, "Thank you, captain."
With another sad smile, Barry turned to leave, but the captain stopped him.
"Barry," he said, standing up from his desk.
Barry turned to look at him as the captain walked around his desk towards him. The next thing he knew, Captain Singh was wrapping his arms around him in a bone crushing hug. Barry was shocked for a moment, but it passed quickly as he hugged the captain back. Singh patted him on the shoulder when they broke apart.
"It's going to be okay, Barry," he said, giving him a small reassuring smile.
Barry smiled back.
"Thank you," he said, realizing now just how badly he had needed a hug.
"Cisco," Caitlin said quietly, standing in the doorway of Cisco's workshop.
He was working away at Barry's suit, always looking for ways to improve it. It made her sad just to look at it now, knowing that Barry would be losing his speed soon and he wouldn't be wearing it for a while, if ever again. There was a good chance that they wouldn't be giving him his speed back after this, not if it could cause him to relapse again. She hadn't really discussed that part with Barry yet. She figured it would be best to just treat him for now and cross that bridge when they got there.
"What's up?" Cisco asked, looking up from the suit he was working on.
"I need your help," she said solemnly, walking into the room and taking a seat on a stool close to him.
"What do you need?" Cisco asked, his voice serious now after noticing her somber expression.
"It's for Barry," she said, looking at him with a slightly nervous look on her face, "Do you remember the device you made to take away his speed?"
"Of course," Cisco said, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion, "What about it?"
"We need to use it again," Caitlin said in barely more than a whisper.
Cisco gave her a confused look.
"Why?" he asked, "What for?"
A part of him already anticipated what she was going to say just from the look on her face, but he needed her to say it out loud for it to be real.
"He's relapsed, Cisco."
Cisco felt his stomach drop. Air stopped moving into his lungs as he let her words sink in. There was no preparation, no warning. One minute everything was fine, and now this.
"How…?" Cisco started to ask, "I mean, when…when did you find out? His scan isn't until tomorrow."
"We did it early," Caitlin said quietly, "He…he wasn't feeling well."
"And you're sure?" Cisco said, "You've ran all the tests? You're sure that it's not something else?"
"He has multiple tumors, Cisco," she said hopelessly, "I've analyzed all his blood samples. It's malignant."
Cisco let out a shaky breath.
"How's he taking it?" he asked after a moment.
"About as well as you'd think," she replied, "He's devastated, Cisco. The last thing Barry wants is to go through all this again."
"Yeah," Cisco said, "Yeah, I know the feeling. And I'm not even the one it's actually happening to."
"He said I could tell you, but he won't tell Joe and Iris just yet," she said seriously.
"Well, he has to," Cisco said immediately, "They need to know."
"He can't handle them knowing right now," she said, "It would be too much. He's still trying to process it himself, and having them know would make it too real for him, I think. I think, in Barry's head, we're going to treat it quickly and he'll be better before he ever has to tell them. I hope that's the case, but we all know that it might not happen that way. Things could get pretty bad again before they get better."
"But we know what to do now," Cisco said, just as hopeful as Barry, "It should just be simply a matter of repeating what we did last time, right?"
Caitlin shook her head.
"Cancer mutates, Cisco," she said solemnly, "It changes and adapts. It's like a weed. If you don't pull the whole thing, if you don't get the root, it grows back, bigger and stronger than before."
"Then we'll just have to fight it harder," Cisco said in determination, "We'll beat it however we can."
Caitlin nodded.
"If we take away his speed right away, there will be more options available to us this time. His speed and his metabolism got in the way last time, but now we'll be able to do more. We'll be able to try different types of chemo, maybe even surgery to remove the tumors. I'm working on putting together a treatment plan, but I haven't discussed all the details with Barry. Every time I bring it up, he acts like he doesn't really want to hear it. I think he'd rather just be surprised as he goes along rather than know everything in advance."
"Yeah, I don't really blame him," Cisco said.
"He's starting his treatment tomorrow," Caitlin said quietly, "We're starting with chemo for now. He's coming in tomorrow afternoon."
"I'll be here," Cisco said, his voice filled with determination, "We'll beat this thing, just like last time."
Caitlin gave him a sad smile at that. This was why they needed Cisco around. He made everything seem so much less daunting. He gave them all hope.
Barry couldn't help but stare at them, at Joe and Iris laughing at the dinner table, joking around and enjoying a family meal together, completely carefree. They didn't know yet that everything was falling apart again, that they might soon be sitting by his bedside again, smiles and laughter gone.
"Barry," Iris called over to him from the dining room, "Barry, your food is getting cold."
He grimaced but walked over to the dinner table nonetheless. As he sat down across from her, Barry looked down at the pasta Iris had made, his stomach churning. It was normally one of his favorites, and it made him sad to think that he couldn't enjoy it now. His appetite seemed to be getting worse each day, and it would only get even worse once he started treatment. Maybe Caitlin would be able to start him on corticosteroids right away this time, or maybe she'd finally figure out how to make a decent antiemetic medication for his nausea. God, he hoped so. He didn't think he could handle months and months of throwing up all the time again. That thought alone made him want to cry.
"Barry," Joe said loudly.
Barry's head snapped up to look at him.
"What?" he asked.
"I asked you how your day was," Joe said, giving Barry a strange look.
"Oh, it was…fine I guess," Barry answered, picking up his fork and pushing his food around on his plate.
Seriously, how was he not hungry? He had hardly eaten anything all day, and the sight of the food still repulsed him.
"I saw you talking to Singh earlier," Joe said, "What was that about?"
"Nothing," Barry said immediately, "I just…I mean he just…wanted to send me to another precinct for a while."
Barry looked down at his plate rather than look up at Joe.
"Another precinct?" Joe asked, his mouth turning down into a frown, "For how long?"
Barry sighed.
"Not too long…I hope."
Iris set a full wine glass down in front of Barry before sipping from her own. Barry's fist clenched under the table where they couldn't see it.
"Well, hopefully it doesn't take up too much of your time," Iris said, "I feel like I never see you now with your new position."
Barry didn't say anything. He stared at the wine glass in front of him. Could he even drink wine? Caitlin had told him that some of the tumors were on his liver and one of his kidneys, so that was probably a no. Not that he really wanted to drink right now anyways, but he also wanted to keep up appearances for Joe and Iris's sake. Maybe he could just sip it, not drink the whole thing but make it look like he was. Caitlin probably would kill him if she found out he had consumed alcohol in his condition, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her. With that thought, Barry picked up the glass and took a sip.
"It's hardly a new position anymore," Joe said to Iris with a laugh, "He's been the director for a good six months now."
"Still feels new, though," Iris said, smiling warmly at Barry.
Barry tried to smile back, but it felt unnatural on his face.
"So, how have things been at the CCPN?" he asked her, not wanting to talk about his job anymore, his job that he would now be taking time off from so he could get chemotherapy and radiation treatments every week.
Iris launched into a rant about her new boss and how he was still out to get the Flash. Barry tried to listen to her, but he found himself getting lost in thought.
He didn't know if he was going to be able to pull off being the Flash. They were going to take his speed away like they did last time to cure him. It would only be a matter of time before people started to notice that the Flash had disappeared again, Iris and Joe included. Barry just hoped he would have enough time to finally tell them the truth before they noticed.
"Barry," Iris said, pulling him away from his thoughts.
He looked up at her in reply.
"Hmm?" he asked.
"I asked you if you were hungry," she said, looking at his plate.
"Oh, um, yeah," he said, "It's great."
"Really? Because I haven't seen you take a bite yet," she said skeptically.
Barry pulled a smile up on his face to hide his grimace as he picked up his fork and brought a bite of food to his lips. He wanted to gag as soon as the food touched his tongue, but he held it back and choked the food down, trying not to let his disgust show on his face.
"Are you okay?" Joe asked him, giving him a surveying look.
He must not have been very convincing, judging by the strange looks they were giving him.
"I'm good," Barry said, managing a small smile as he took another bite.
Joe and Iris seemed to let it go then, both of them resuming whatever previous conversation about Iris's work they had been having. Barry hardly heard a word. He was starting to sweat, and the urge to gag was becoming too strong. He desperately wanted to just get through this meal with them, but he didn't think he'd be able to do that without throwing up. One more bite was all it took before Barry felt his stomach lurch menacingly. He took a deep breath and searched for a reason to excuse himself.
"I'm sorry," Barry said to them suddenly, cutting off their conversation.
They both looked at him in confusion.
"I think I'm going to go to bed," he said quickly, "I'm exhausted. I was out late on Flash duty last night."
"Is that where you were?" Joe asked, "I was wondering. I didn't even see you come home last night."
Barry nodded without looking him in the eye. Really, he had stayed late at STAR Labs last night so Caitlin could run all her tests, but Joe didn't need to know that.
Barry stood up from the dinner table quickly, which was a big mistake because it didn't really allow his blood pressure a chance to adjust to the change of position, and he ended up swaying slightly. It didn't escape Joe and Iris's notice.
"Are you alright?" Iris asked him this time, looking at him in concern.
"I'm fine," he said, "Just too much wine."
Iris frowned and looked at Barry's wine glass, which was still mostly full. Not to mention the fact that his powers didn't allow him to be affected by alcohol. Thankfully, she seemed to accept the excuse, even though she was still looking at him skeptically, clearly picking up on the fact that something wasn't quite right with him.
"Love you," Barry said to both of them, pushing in his chair, "Goodnight."
"Goodnight," they both said quietly to him, watching him leave the room.
As soon as he was out of the room, Barry flashed up the stairs. He knew he shouldn't be using his powers at all right now, but it was only way he was able to make it to the toilet in time to be sick. Three bites. That's all he had managed. He had only been able to sit down for a family meal for three bites before he had to leave to empty his churning stomach. He hadn't even started his treatments yet. He was only going to get worse, and he knew that family dinners were probably going to be impossible for him now. The thought made him incredibly sad. He had always loved family meals with Joe and Iris.
"This isn't too concentrated, is it?" Barry asked worriedly as Caitlin was inserting the IV for his chemo infusion.
Caitlin bit her lip.
"I wish I could say it wasn't, Barry, but I also don't want to lie to you," she said honestly.
Barry sighed.
"I've already been feeling sick," he said quietly, "I've already been throwing up. Now…"
"I know, Barry," she said sadly, "I'm sorry."
That's what Barry liked about Caitlin. She wasn't the type of doctor to lie to him. She wasn't the type to tell him that it wasn't going to be that bad, that he didn't have to be afraid. She simply apologized. She knew it was going to be awful for him, and she didn't try to deny that or downplay it. All she could do was tell her how sorry she was. He appreciated the brutal honesty from her. He didn't want kind, reassuring words. He just wanted somebody to agree with him about how much this sucked.
"I'm starting the infusion now," she said quietly, "It should take about an hour. If you can, try to relax. I'll be right here monitoring your vitals."
"And you'll make sure Joe and Iris don't come in here?" he asked.
Caitlin nodded sadly.
That was something Barry had been worrying about. He didn't want Joe or Iris to suddenly walk right into STAR Labs to help out with Flash stuff only to find him in the med bay receiving a chemotherapy treatment. Cisco and Caitlin had assured him that they would cover for him if that happened, and if Joe or Iris called, wondering where he was, they would simply tell them that he was on late night Flash duty.
"When are you going to tell them, man?" Cisco asked gently, "You know you can't hide this from them for long. They're bound to find out eventually, and really, they deserve to know."
"I know," Barry said, closing his eyes and laying his head back as he already started to feel the effects of the chemo, "Let's just see how it responds to a round of treatment first. I want to be able to tell them that we've made some progress when I finally decide to tell them. I want to be able to show them some results."
"Barry," Caitlin said seriously, "You need all the support you can get, especially in this early relapse period. That's when the most emotional support is needed in most cancer patients."
Barry sighed.
"Having them know the truth won't make me feel better," he said quietly, "It'll just make all of this more…serious. At least right now, I'm able to be at home and pretend like everything is normal."
"But it's not," Caitlin said gently, "And telling your family the truth is what's going to help you accept that, Barry."
"I have accepted it," Barry assured her, "I'm here, aren't I? I'm not ignoring it. I just…"
Barry let out a heavy sigh.
"I need the normalcy," he said quietly, "I need to be at home with Joe and Iris, where everything is still fine and my life isn't affected by this. If they know the truth…it just brings all of this home for me, too. And then there's no escaping it."
"But you're isolating yourself," Cisco pointed out gently, "If you don't let them be there for you, Barry, then you're going to end up going through all of this alone. You can't carry around a secret like that. It's going to eat at you."
"It's the cancer that's eating at me," Barry said in a hard voice, "And passing off the burden of my illness to the ones I love isn't going to make me feel any better. It'll only make me feel worse. I can't just expect everyone else to put their lives on hold every time I get sick."
"Barry, imagine if it were someone else," Caitlin said, "Imagine it was Joe. Or Iris. You would want them to tell you, right? You would want to be burdened by it, to be there for them. Because that's what family does. They support each other. Don't deny Joe and Iris the chance to do that, Barry."
Barry sighed and rubbed his eyes.
"Caitlin, I know that you're right," he said quietly, "I know. That doesn't make telling them any easier. That doesn't make me want to tell them the truth, even though I know that's what I should do."
"Barry," she said, "You—"
But she was cut off when Barry suddenly gagged slightly, his face taking on an expression that was unfortunately so familiar to her, an expression that told her that he was not feeling well—that he was feeling sick. Barry put a hand to his mouth and closed his eyes as he tried to suppress the nausea, but the first gag was soon followed by several more, the fourth one bringing up vomit.
Barry sat in the bed, trying to catch his breath after spending a few solid minutes puking, thanking Caitlin as she took the emesis basin away from him.
"This is why," Barry gasped, wiping his mouth and trying to catch his breath, "This is why I can't tell them. I don't want them to be here to watch the horror show this time around. I'm not going to make them see all of this again."
"Barry," she said sadly, "I think you need to stop worrying so much about the rest of us and focus more on yourself. I know you're not very good at that, but you need to try this time around. Try to think about yourself more."
Barry sighed.
"I'm not the only one this is happening to, though," he said quietly, "It's happening to all of us. I'm just the one who's sick, but really we're all affected by this. Hell, the entire city is affected. Some hero they have, disappearing for months on end every time his body fails him."
"Barry…"
She was giving him a pained look, and Barry knew what she was thinking.
"You're not going to give me my speed back after this, are you?" Barry asked quietly.
Caitlin looked at him with a regretful expression.
"We'll talk about that later, Barry," she said softly.
Barry sighed and nodded. He already knew that she was probably going to be adamant about not giving his speed back, and he already knew that he was going to challenge her on the subject. Like her, though, he didn't exactly want to have that conversation just yet, especially not when he was throwing up and receiving his first chemo treatment for his relapse. He really didn't want to be talking about any of this right now.
"Barry," Cisco pressed, "You really need to tell Joe and Iris, though."
"I'm tired," Barry said, and his eyes were actually drooping—it wasn't just an excuse, "I'm tired and sick right now, Cisco. Let's talk about this later."
Cisco nodded understandingly, looking at Barry with concern and immense sorrow for the man.
"Can I get you anything?" he asked then, "Something to pass the time? A magazine or something?"
Barry gave him a small, grateful smile and shook his head.
"No, I just want to rest," he said weakly, "I'll be fine. I've been through this before."
Something was up with Barry. Joe and Iris could tell. He was moody and irritable, and well, kind of stupid. He kept forgetting things and making dumb mistakes, like he was distracted or something. Maybe the new precinct that he was temporarily working at was starting to get to him. He couldn't possibly be getting enough sleep. He was spending so many nights at STAR Labs now, sometimes not returning until well into the next day. It was no wonder why he seemed so tired all the time.
He wasn't joining them for family meals anymore either, telling them that he had already eaten a ton of Big Belly Burger or something. They wondered if he was upset about something. They didn't understand why Barry was being so distant with them.
"Okay, what is going on with you?" Joe asked Barry seriously one night in the kitchen.
"Nothing," Barry said, "I'm just not very hungry right now."
"For the last few weeks, you haven't joined us for any family meals," Joe accused, "We hardly ever see you anymore. You're always either working, at STAR Labs, or holed up in your room sleeping or whatever it is you do. What's going on, Bar?"
"Nothing," Barry answered again, "I've just been busy, Joe. I'm sorry I haven't been joining you guys for family meals. I've been eating—"
"Don't tell me you've been eating somewhere else, Bar," Joe said seriously, "I know that you haven't. You clearly aren't eating enough. You really think we haven't noticed the weight that you've lost? You look almost as thin as you did when you were sick!"
"Joe…" Barry said in a strained voice, "Please, just let it go."
"Just tell me what's going on with you," Joe pleaded, "Is it stress? Is the director job becoming too much for you? We can talk to Singh."
"No," Barry said, "You don't have to talk to Singh. I'm fine."
"Then what is it, Bar?"
Barry turned away from him then.
"Just let it go, Joe," he said as he made to leave the room.
Joe wasn't going to just let him walk away that easily, though. He reached out and roughly grabbed Barry's upper arm to make him face him again, but he was shocked when Barry flinched and a small cry of pain escaped his lips. Joe released him in shock, pulling his hand away from Barry's arm, but not before he had felt the small object that was underneath his sleeve.
"What is that, Bar?" Joe asked immediately, looking at Barry's arm.
He could now see the slight bulge underneath the sleeve, right where he had grabbed Barry.
"Joe…" Barry said, his eyes pleading.
But Joe didn't wait for Barry to respond or protest. Slowly he stepped forward, taking Barry's arm gently and slowly rolling up the sleeve, his stomach in knots as he did so.
As soon as the sleeve was rolled up and the PICC line came in sight, Joe let go of Barry's arm in shock, his own hands dropping down limply to his sides. His face went blank as he stared at the tubing in Barry's arm, recognizing it for what it was and what it meant. After a moment, his eyes moved back to Barry's face, sadness and realization occupying his features.
"Barry…" he said in a strained voice.
His breath seemed to catch in his throat as he looked at Barry with pleading eyes.
"Barry, please. It's not…just please tell me it's…please, Bar."
Joe took a deep breath. He couldn't even form a coherent sentence as he tried to process what was happening. Barry couldn't look at him. Instead, he looked down at his arm as he rolled his sleeve back into place, hiding the PICC line from sight again.
"I was going to tell you," he said quietly, "I was just waiting for the right moment and the right way. I didn't want you to find out like this."
Joe covered his mouth with his hand, his eyes welling up with tears.
"Bar," he choked through his fingers, "I need you to say it. I need to hear it out loud."
Barry took a deep breath. He could barely look Joe in the eye.
"The cancer is back," he said quietly.
He braced himself for Joe's reaction, for him to start yelling at him for not telling him sooner, for keeping this from him and not allowing him to be there to support him. But Joe didn't yell. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Barry in one quick movement, crushing him and cradling the back of his head as he spoke in Barry's ear.
"Dammit," he cried quietly, squeezing Barry tighter, "Dammit, Barry."
"I'm sorry," Barry whispered, hugging Joe back, "Joe, I'm sorry."
Joe broke apart from the hug and stepped back to look at him.
"It's not your fault, Bar," Joe said in a strained voice, "You don't have to apologize. I just…dammit. How can this be happening again?"
Barry nodded.
"I know," he whispered.
"Who all knows? Obviously Caitlin if she's treating you," he said, waving towards Barry's arm, "But does Cisco know? Does Iris?"
Barry shook his head.
"It's just Caitlin and Cisco," he said, "And Captain Singh. I told him right away and got out of work as soon as I started my treatment. I'm going to focus just on getting better this time and not on trying to work and do other things that I shouldn't be."
"Singh knew?" Joe asked, shocked, "Singh knew that you were sick this entire time and didn't tell me?"
"Don't be mad at him," Barry pleaded, "I asked him not to. I told him I just needed time to figure out how to tell you myself."
"How long has this been going on?" Joe asked seriously, "You've been 'at precinct four' for nearly a month."
Barry looked at him and couldn't really say anything. Instead, he simply nodded.
"A month?!" Joe said incredulously, "Barry, you've known you have cancer again for a month without telling us?!"
"I'm sorry, Joe," Barry said, wiping his eyes, "I was afraid to tell you. I was afraid of how you would react, how both of you would take it. It's been almost a month and I can still barely handle the news."
Barry was prepared for Joe to argue more, to press him and demand a better reason for not telling him he was sick, but Joe didn't do that. Instead, he placed a hand over his mouth in shock as he was still processing what Barry was telling him. He couldn't take it anymore. He had to sit down.
He collapsed into a chair at the dining room table, taking deep breaths as his eyes burned with tears. It killed Barry to see him this way. Seeing Joe's reaction to the news was actually worse than finding out the news himself.
"That's why you won't eat with us," Joe said suddenly, looking up at Barry with watery eyes, "Your appetite."
"I tried eating a few meals with you guys," Barry said, sitting down at the table with him.
It was already set for dinner that night. Set with three settings even though they had all but given up on the idea of Barry joining them for a meal these days.
"But every time I tried to eat a full meal, I got sick."
Joe nodded tearfully, finally understanding now.
"If you haven't been working, then where have you been going every day?" he asked.
"STAR Labs," Barry said, "Caitlin has been looking into doing some new types of treatments. I've been going there most days so we can find the best way to treat it this time."
Joe nodded painfully.
"And all those late nights out as the Flash?"
"Chemotherapy," Barry answered in nearly a whisper, "I couldn't really come home after the treatments, so I spent the night at STAR Labs to recover."
Joe shook his head, wiping a tear from his face.
"God, Barry, I wish you had just told us," he said sadly.
"I'm sorry," Barry said again, and he truly was.
He couldn't imagine what it must be like for Joe to find out this way.
"We have to tell Iris," Joe said seriously to him, "You know that, right?"
Barry nodded and wiped his face. He sniffed once before speaking again.
"Will you tell her with me?" he asked quietly, "Please?"
Joe reached out and took Barry's hand on top of the dining room table.
"Of course, Bar," he said seriously.
They didn't have to wait long for that moment either. Iris came home a few minutes later, walking in through the front door, happily carrying the bags of Chinese takeout she had gotten for them all.
"Ooh, you're actually joining us tonight, Bar?" she asked happily as she walked into the dining room to find them both sitting at the table.
She set the bags out on the table in front of them and started pulling the boxes of lo Mein out of them.
"I've gotten used to eating your left overs, but I'd much rather have you join us," she said cheerfully, "Maybe we can open a couple bottles of wine tonight, too. Wine and Chinese food, not the best combination, but who cares?"
She laughed lightly and then looked up at them after she had pulled out the last box of takeout. That was when she saw the serious looks on their faces. Barry couldn't even look at her, and his eyes were wet. So were her dad's now that she looked closer at both of them.
"What's going on?" she asked seriously, her cheerful tone completely gone.
Her dad cleared his throat, something he usually did when he was trying to find the words to tell her something that was probably going to be difficult to hear.
"Sit down, Iris," he said.
Iris sat, a horrible feeling looming in her stomach. The last time he had asked her to sit down at this table was when he had told her the news that her mom was alive. She knew this couldn't be anything good.
She looked back and forth between her father and Barry, who was still looking down at the table with wet eyes, unable to look at her. She focused on Barry when she saw that her dad had also turned his attention to him.
"Do you want me to…?" her dad asked Barry awkwardly.
Barry shook his head and wiped his eyes. He took a deep breath and finally looked up at her.
"Iris, there's something I have to tell you," he said in a deadly quiet voice, "I…"
His eyes filled with fresh tears as he shook his head, unable to find the right words to tell her whatever it was he was trying to say.
"Is this about why you've been acting so weird?" Iris asked curiously.
Barry nodded.
"Okay," she said, "Did you do something? Because whatever it is, we can fix it."
Barry sighed.
"Iris, I'm…I'm sick."
Iris felt her blood run cold.
"What do you mean?" she demanded instantly, "What do you mean you're sick? Sick with what?"
But she knew what already. She knew from the looks on both of their faces what it was.
"The cancer is back," Barry whispered.
Iris felt as if she couldn't get any air in her lungs. She looked at her dad, hoping he would tell her this was some kind of sick joke. One look at his face confirmed to her that it wasn't.
"But," she said, her voice cracking as her eyes filled with tears, "But you've been living cancer free for over six months!"
"Turns out the cancer couldn't live without me," Barry responded sadly.
"No," Iris said, shaking her head, "No, this doesn't make any sense. It can't…it can't just come back. We cured you. You're better now. The nightmare is over."
"Baby girl, I know this is a lot to take in," her father said in a shaky voice, "I only just found out about it now before you."
"You don't have to panic," Barry told both of them, "We've been treating it, and it's been somewhat responding to the treatments."
"Somewhat?" Joe asked.
Barry took a deep breath.
"It's a bit different from last time," he said, "We're looking into other methods of treating it. Caitlin says she wants to try surgery soon."
"Surgery?" Iris asked.
Then she gave herself a little shake as she thought of something.
"Wait a minute," she said, "How long have you guys been trying to treat it?"
Barry gave her a pained look.
"Almost four weeks now," he said quietly.
"A month?!" she said incredulously, "Barry, what the hell?!"
"Iris," Joe said, putting a hand out to place it on hers on the table, "I've already yelled at him."
She desperately wanted to berate Barry herself for not telling them sooner, but she knew how hard this must be for him, telling them now, and she didn't really need to make it worse by getting on his case about it.
"I was going to tell you guys sooner," Barry said, "At first, I was only going to wait a few days, but then that turned into a week, and then another week. And then I really wanted to tell you, but I wanted to make more progress with my treatments first, and the next thing I knew, nearly a full month had flown by. I didn't mean to wait this long. I really didn't."
"We understand, Bar," Joe said, somewhat seeing Barry's side of things now that he had explained it.
He was still upset that Barry hadn't told them sooner, but at least now he understood why.
A small sob escaped Iris's lips, and soon tears were falling down her face.
"How can this be happening?" she cried, "How can this really be happening again?"
"It's okay," Barry said, putting a hand on hers, "I'm going to be fine, Iris."
Iris squeezed his hand in return.
"I'm sorry," she choked, "I should be the one comforting you. You're the one who's sick."
She stood up then.
"Can I get you anything?" she asked suddenly, her mind flipping into caretaker mode, "I could get you a blanket if you're cold. We have your oxygen tank in the closet yet. How has your breathing been? Are you nauseous? Have you been throwing up?"
"Iris," Barry said, frowning at her, "I'm fine. Really. Yes, I've been throwing up occasionally, but it's completely manageable. I feel fine right now. I don't need you to be my caretaker. I need you to be my best friend."
"I just don't know what to do," she cried, "There has to be something I can do."
"You're doing plenty just by being you," Barry said firmly, "Both of you. This is partly why I didn't want to tell either of you. It's been kind of nice coming home at night where things are still normal. I really don't want that to change. I just want you guys to be yourselves."
"We'll do whatever you need us to, Bar," Joe said supportively, giving Barry a pained look.
It was clear he was thinking along the same terms as Iris. Now that he knew Barry was sick, all he wanted to do was wrap him in the softest blanket and put him on the highest shelf where none of the evils of the world could get at him.
"I'll see you guys in a bit," Barry said warmly to them, giving them a small smile.
Iris wouldn't let go of his hand, even when Caitlin said it was time to start. Barry's head had been shaved for the procedure. He had insisted that if they were going to remove any tumors surgically, they were going to start with the ones in his brain first. He wasn't going to let the cancer take over his mind this time.
"We'll be waiting here for you, Bar," Joe said, resting a hand on Barry's shoulder.
Barry smiled gratefully at him just before Caitlin put the anesthesia mask over his mouth and nose.
"Count backwards from ten for me, Barry," she said calmly.
Barry started to count as she started the anesthesia gas, but he hardly paid attention to his counting or what she was doing. As his consciousness slowly slipped away from him, Barry focused on the faces of his friends and family all surrounding his bedside. Seeing himself surrounded by his loved ones, Barry finally felt like he finally had the strength to beat this thing because he knew he wasn't fighting alone.
Sorry if it spoiled the happy ending from the original for you, but the reality in a lot of cancer cases is that not everything just goes away the first time you treat it. I realize I left Henry out of this. Mostly, because I didn't know if I wanted him to be alive in this oneshot or not. If we're following the actual timeline, he would have been killed by Zoom at this point, but I didn't want to address it in the story because I thought it would deviate away from everything else too much. That little plot hole aside, I hope you enjoyed it.