Title: The Blue Olaf
Fandom: Frozen
Pairing Hans/Anna (with some minor Kristoff/Elsa)
Disclaimer: I do not own Frozen (2013).
Note/s: A silly modern, noir/detective AU. Dropped here in FF for inventory because people (including myself) have a hard time locating it through my disastrous tumblr tags. The title is a parody of The Blue Dahlia (1946) but the story has nothing to do with the film whatsoever.
Summary: It was just another usual night for Detective Anna when a mysterious stranger in tight pants walked in. REALLY tight pants.
Kristoff, early 20s, blond, and built like a reindeer, was stone cold dead. Yep, the ol' gum-shoe had finally met his match and took an early retirement from this world. I like to think he finally got that vacation he had been meaning to take…unfortunately crime didn't take one and his unfinished business came knocking at the door almost every hour of every day. Yes, Kristoff had left my sister a widow and the office full of his paperwork and somebody had to take care of these things. That somebody was me. Detective Anna—
"Anna stop monologuing my death!" Kristoff snapped, dropping a stack of papers in front of her.
Anna straightened in her seat, offering her mentor a sheepish smile. "Oh hey Kristoff! I…uh didn't hear you come in."
"Really?" his mouth twitched, "I'm surprised you didn't considering you just said I was built like a reindeer."
"Is that wrong? Elsa was the one who mentioned that. You know, I never really got that reference, what does that even mean"—
"ANNA!" Kristoff interrupted, face suddenly strained and red for some reason, "did you send out the emails like I told you to?"
"Oh! Wait!" Anna flipped open her laptop to check the outbox but found the battery at twelve percent. She stretched an arm out for the charger hanging over the desk corner…and accidentally knocked the papers clean off, along with a few pens and paperclips.
Anna held her breath until whatever fallen object ceased movement or sound.
"Oops?"
Kristoff looked more impressed than annoyed. "You did all that under five seconds. Unbelievable." The blond walked over to the whiteboard on the wall and, with the mini marker with fuzzy eraser-end, changed the number in the dead center.
It's been 0 days since Anna's last clumsy case.
Kristoff was going on a two-week long trip with Elsa. Both had been married for a few months now but had to postpone the honeymoon because of a big case. Elsa had been very considerate through it all, which prodded Kristoff to splurge.
"A trip to New Zealand and then Hawaii? Remind me again why I can't go?"
Kristoff rolled his eyes. "Because I married your sister, not you."
Anna folded her arms and let out an indignant huff, "So much for marrying the family."
"Also," Kristoff added, "you're minding the office while I'm gone."
His young protege beamed, rubbing her hands together in glee. "So…this dynamite shamus is finally makin' her big debut, eh?" Her voice took on an unfitting impersonation of a character from one of her noir movies that Kristoff had seen her binge watch online.
"Real detectives don't talk like that. I would know, I am one."
"Well," Anna puffed out her chest, this private eye does!" She lightly thumped a closed fist to her heart for emphasis.
Sure Elsa, I don't mind having your sister work for me. I could always use the extra help.Kristoff mentally groaned at his fateful words of regret before setting his sister-in-law straight.
"Anna. Let's be clear…you are not allowed to take on any case while I'm away." He cringed when she started her predicted rambly protests (or whining as it would be aptly called).
"But Kristoff! This is my big chance! How will I ever amount to anything if you never give me the chance! This has been my dream since I was little ever since I discovered who was stealing the apple juice boxes in my fourth grade class! Everyone thought I had a knack and my teacher Mrs"—
"ANNA." Kristoff snapped his fingers in front of her face, regaining her attention. His head began to hurt. "Look, I get it. You want to handle something on your own, it's natural but you're still a novice." He made sure she was returning his gaze before continuing the rest. "You need more guidance from a trained professional else you could get seriously hurt. The fact that you're my wife's sister, ergo my family, is even more reason that I can't let you run things on your own just yet."
He could see he was getting to her from the biting of her bottom lip and the way she squeezed her palm with her other hand.
"I…just want to do something…to prove that I can actually be good and useful." She peered at her brother-in-law with wounded eyes.
Kristoff inhaled sharply.
He knew that look. Elsa used it all the time for her own benefit, and like a fool, Kristoff would barrel over to please her. All this time he had thought it was just his wife's own evil signature brand. But apparently it was hereditary…and damn effective. He could feel the fight draining out of his body.
Kill me for being soft.
He placed a hand to his nape, then with eyes pleading to whatever God was above, reluctantly opened his mouth and said, "Okay listen, maybe you can take on just one simple non-threatening"—
Anna tackled him.
"OH THANK YOU KRISTOFF!"
"Remember! You have to start small. Take on an easy case, especially since you're doing it alone. Furthermore, Anna, it's really, really important that you blah blah blah blah…"
Anna had taken Kristoff's words to heart.
Well sort of.
She had started spacing out in excitement at the wonderful pure knowledge of being her own boss - well, at least until her mentor came back but details schmetails.
She had two weeks for herself!
Today was her first day. She started by dressing the part. She was not going to half-ass anything as a private eye. She had borrowed Elsa's stylish streamlined cream trench coat, and donned it over a short black cotton dress. Finally, she capped things off with a properly pinched thrift store fedora to hide her updo.
Anna admired herself in the office mirror, circling in place on her kitten heels. She looked like she came straight out a detective novel. She couldn't stop smiling even if she wanted to. She even put on pantyhose!
Her excitement had to die down though. After all she would have to showcase what a serious, jaded gal she was!
Anna let out a frustrated sigh. She glared at the time on her laptop screen. Eight PM and still no shows. Great. She closed the laptop with a groan. It was already her fourth day and so far, in her waiting frustration, she had actually finished the backlog of her secretarial duties. Kristoff would be overjoyed.
Her phone rang.
Speak of the devil.
"Hey feisty-pants, you're on speaker!" was Kristoff's greeting, followed by Elsa's sing-song of"how's it going little sis?"
At least they were having a great time.
"Hey guys," Anna faked a cheerful tone, "how's your fun vacay?"
"…You sound depressed. What happened?"
Anna rolled her eyes. Trust Elsa to pick that up. "Nothing happened! In fact, nothing ever happens at all!"
"Nothing?"they replied in unison.
"Yeah nothing! Well, actually I did the boring stuff that Kristoff has been nagging me to do. But that was out of desperation. That's no fun!"
Anna stopped mid-rant, straining her ears. Maybe she was wrong, but she thought she heard Kristoff whispering a relieved thank-you-Godor something.
With a frown, she reached for her pudding cup.
"I'm sorry things aren't going your way, Anna," said Elsa, "maybe things are just slow…"
"Don't let it get you too down though."Kristoff uttered in a suspiciously happy mood."You can't expect these cases to come at you like a fast-food queue. Just kick-back and relax."
Anna stayed on the conversation by pinning the phone to her ear with her shoulder as she gobbled her dessert. "But Kristoff!" she whined between spoonfuls, "I want to actually make use of my time and skill. Don't you have anything? I'll even tail cheating spouses if that's what it takes. It'll be more thrilling than sitting here doing nothing."
"Sorry, I wrapped up all my investigations before taking my leave. Less hassle that way. Anyway, we just called to check up on you."
Anna heard a frantic rummaging sound on their end, then followed by Elsa's address to her husband, "Kristoff did you pack my coat in your suitcase? I can't find it in mine."
"Which one?"
"The one we bought together."
"Oh, the trench coat?"
Uh oh.
"Ah, you know…" Anna chuckled weakly, eyeing what may or may not be the missing coat in question that had been slightly wrinkled in her wear…with a smidge of chocolate. "I suddenly remembered that I um have a lot of new emails to catch up on. Like a dozen of 'em. So…I should go and answer them…like right now, sooo…."
…
…
"Anna! You little sneak!"—
"I love you Elsa! Have a fun time with Kristoff! Okay bye!"
Anna immediately logged out of the conversation before either of them could say anything.
She leaned back in her—err, Kristoff's chair and groaned. Great. She'd have to take her sister's coat to the cleaners or she was dead.
Deader than her detective career.
She threw her head back with a hand over her eyes and huffed in exasperation.
I should be out there. Talking to snitches and getting the down-lo. At the very least, go on on one of those detective spiels about how it was an uneventful evening with an air of something there when—
The door chimed open,
—they walked in and…
Wait, what?
Anna shot up in her seat, and blinked up at the silhouette of a person framed by the doorway and outside lights.
Anna had to squint, as she had dimmed all the lights in the office to give her environment the classic noir feel. She had even left the window blinds down.
All for the scene of the mysterious stranger's entrance (that and because Kristoff wanted to save up on energy) - and it worked.
She just never expected it to when she was off-guard!
"Detective Bjorgman?" A voice, rich and smooth, caught Anna's ears. He was still by the doorframe in a striking pose.
Maybe she wasn't the only one who knew how these things worked.
Anna swallowed, then with careful nonchalance sat back with a look of ennui. "He went on a walk. A long one." She then suddenly realised how that might sound and broke character. "Oh! But he's not dead or anything! He just went on vacation with my sister"—
She mentally slapped herself. Great, Anna. Just great.
Ears burning, she once again tried for disinterest. "Name's Anna. Anna with a long 'A'." Well, at least, that came out right.
The man said nothing, he stepped forward, shutting the door behind him. Anna kept her features schooled, she wasn't worried. She had ol' Sven (aka Kristoff's revolver) within her reach. She doubted she would ever need to use it but it was assurance.
If things get nasty I'll be ready.
He stopped in front of the desk.
Oh God.
Things aren't nasty and I'm not ready!
Was this man real?
His face was the very picture you'd find in the dictionary-dentition of handsome, and his body - Anna's eyes darted quickly - was drop-dead-and-come-back-alive-and-die-again gorgeous! The tight pants he wore were downright obscene!
"Okay Anna," he chuckled, "with a long 'A'." He pulled one of the side chairs to the center of her view and sat down, legs crossed. He gazed at her in cool expectancy, a small smile on his lips.
Anna caught herself just before she could make more of a gawking embarrassment of herself.
"Um! Err…that's the name. And you are?"
He tilted his head, and eyed her with his dreamy eyes. "Westergård. Hans Westergård. I came here because I have some…" He uncrossed his legs. "Business."
Anna nodded tersely, "I can see that…uh, I mean. Bjorgman's out. I'm in charge," at least for eleven more days," so either you state your business or you can breeze off." Please don't leave me.
Hans placed a black leather-clad hand to each knee, "I came here because I'm in trouble," and spread his legs wide apart, "big trouble."
Anna tried to breathe.
Then, he stood up and slowly paced in front of her desk. "I heard I could find help here and I'm hoping you could be the…" he stopped, his eyes assessing her, "woman for me."
Anna inwardly praised her outer composure for coming this far without a mental breakdown and looked up to him with a raised eyebrow.
"Depends. What business?"
Hans bent down, his arms braced on either side of the desk, until they were at eye level.
"Something was taken from me." Hans murmured, his breath mingling with her uneven ones. He brought his right gloved hand to his lips, then, very slowly, peeled the dark leather off with his teeth in a tantalising drag, then spat it down. His eyes never left hers.
"And I…"
Anna stiffened as she felt his naked fingers brush her cheek.
"I want it back in my possession."
She watched in mortified pleasure as he popped his index and middle fingers into his mouth.
"Mmm…" He hummed with relish, "chocolate."
Anna bit her lip.
Whatever his case, it was definitely going to be an interesting one.
Detective log: It was a night just like any other night in the office… COMPLETELY BORING!ヽ(´Д`;). I sat there in my chair, offing the last of my delicious super deluxe chocolate pudding (*´∀`*) when HE walked in. ∑(ΦдΦlll
He had the face that looked like trouble…and wow wow wow…(◎0◎) the body to match it. (*´﹃｀*)