Fandom: Man From U.N.C.L.E.
Author: Gelledee
Spoiler: I came up with a new take on things, no one else seem to have do it, thought I have a go.
Rating: PG.
Warning: You might not like my idea, it something different.
Disclaimers: Man From U.N.C.L.E. (and its characters) belongs to MGM. I have just taken them and made stuff up. I have no cash, so there is no point in coming after me.
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Cover Story
By Gelledee
Illya Kuryakin knocked on the wall of April Dancers and Mark Slade office as the door automatically slid open. Mark looked up from his desk and motioned for Illya to come in. Sitting down in spare chair, Mark continued to fill in the Paperwork after his latest assignment, something the Soviet angent has just finished. It was late in the New York U.N.C.L.E office and most of the Day staff had gone home. A few agents where still about and communications was full, as always. Section Two was empty but for these two blonde agents.
"Leave it" Said Illya, after a few minutes of silent waiting.
"I want it done. Then I never have to think about it again, you know that."
"Yes" said Illya softly.
"Bad?"
"No worse than for you. Do you have much left to do?"
"Ten minutes or so."
Illya nodded and leaned forward in his chair, running his hand though his hair. His last assignment had him off balance, a little disconnected from his real life.
"Done." Mark voice stirred Illya from his thoughts. "The point of finishing the Paperwork is that you never have to think about it again."
"It's hard this time." Besides am I not thinking about the assignment. I hate having time to think about things and I had too much time to think on this one.
"Well, you're here, Napoleon has not got you in medical or home so it can't of be that bad." Mark pointed out, stacking his paper work and straitening up the desk.
"It not being voluntary is not the problem for me as it is for you." I prefer it that way, I get to file it way under injury. "Although April is not hanging about so it must have been alright for you."
"Let's get out of here so we can talk freely, eh?" Mark answered, after a pause as he put his coat on, nodding to the surveillance devices.
"Yes, dinner and a drink."
"A drink? My friend you look like you could polish off the bottle."
"To expensive. Beside Americans do not know how to serve Vodka." and I can't face going home. Illya added silently.
"Well as I'm British, I do. I have a bottle at home. You get the dinner and I will proved alcoholic oblivion." Mark smiled as he led the way out from the office.
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So, some 20 minutes later, Mark and Illya sat in a small dinner half way between U.N.C.L.E's office and Mark apartment. They talk about pointless things on the way to the dinner, both silently thinking the car maybe bugged. After the case they had both been on paranoia was still very high, plus the fact they where both used to being bug all the time. Apart from the two of them sat by the kitchen door and a sleepy waitress the dinner was empty. Illya was quietly brooding as he ate his meal, Mark chased his food around the plate looking up to say something than stopping as Illya stabbed another piece of food.
He'll tell me in his own time. Or he won't. Can't push him.
Mark thought for the tenth time."Are you going to eat that?" Illya asked as he finished the last of his food.
"You can have it if you answer truthfully." Mark teased.
"Very well." Illya swapped plates taking him seriously.
Then again Illya always took thing to do with food seriously.
Mark seeing his chance, "I hate entrapments. Why do the two of us always get them?""Can you see Napoleon coping as well as we do." Illya pointed out. "We have both done this dozens of times yet we are still troubled at the end of an assignment. Yes I know," Illya continued as Mark started to say something. "He can get any woman in to bed, and he does entrap them for U.N.C.L.E when it is needed. But a man? Why risk others when you and I do it so well?"
"I just hate that they think I am just a pretty face." Mark paused and sipped his tea. "Given what we do, what we both just did, to people how can you go on and trust anyone?"
"Time and actions." Illya pushed the ½ finish meal in to the middle of the table. "Eat, I will not be responsible for your alcohol poisoning, when you try and match me drink for drink."
"You are not that good." Mark joked.
"But I am better that your Imperialist self." Illya's mood lighting for the first time, it was and old private joke between them.
"Ah the Empire, when we ruled the world." Mark gestured wildly.
Illya smiled, "See just thinking about drink and you weaken, you will not last."
Mark finished his food, and looked in to his tea, hoping that his window to get Illya to talk had not closed. "I take it you would have picked him? He was your type."
"If I was free to do so." Illya did not look up.
Odd answer, Waverly knows Illya would be discrete, Are the KGB still watching him?
Mark thought and then said, "Long case? I have not seen you in two months, April and I have been on short cases with no rest, then this one for the last two weeks.""Ten weeks."
Mark choked on his tea. "I had relationship shorter than that!"
"As, have I."
With who? Napoleon? Are the rumors true?
He then went back to the last train of though, Illya would tell him about his love life if he wanted to. Not if he was asked. Ten weeks!!! "To want end? Was he meant to fall in love with you?""No, but he did or so he told me. Information, passwords. Something he said to me. We got what we wanted on tape and I left."
"Tapes?"
"Of all our time together. All of it."
Mark winced "At lest I only have photos of this one, for blackmail."
"U.N.C.L.E does not blackmail, it's for insurance purposes." Illya corrected sarcastically, finishing his tea in one gulp.
"Let's get drunk." Mark stood up.
"Da."
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Mark lead the way in to his apartment turning off the alarm and starting a check for surveillance. Illya closed the door behind them and waited for the all clear.
"You have a nice apartment."
"Napoleon's must be nicer."
"It's bigger and has a wonderful view. The décor is not as good." Illya said as he looked at the bookshelves and the record collection Mark was famed for, while Mark made his way in to the kitchen. As he came back with the drinks and a bottle, Illya was pulling out a book from the shelf.
"Here." Mark held the drink out. Illya took it and downed it in one go.
"Cold. Good."
"I have had a Soviet friend before."
"Soviet? Not Russian." Illya noticed the different emphasis, Americans think we are all Russian, so good to have someone understand the difference with out explaining it to them.
"He was a Kazakh. An assignment, one of my first. He was at Oxford. KGB. We had great fun, lot's of sex and never got any information out of each other. My only regret is that he think I'm called Fred." Mark's smile lit up his whole face as he remembered another time. Illya took the bottle off Mark.
"This is not Vodka."
"No, it's an unfair advantage. You where raised on the stuff. It's Sake, rice wine and just as lethal as vodka."
Illya nodded and poured two more glasses for them. He down his in one, again. "Drinkable."
"Glad you approve."
"Of this too." Illya held up the book, Homer's Iliad.
"I said I was not just a pretty face." Mark poured another set of drinks.
"No your are not." Illya poured another drink. You are a good friend and the closest thing I have to family, well almost. The next four shots passed in silence.
"Where did you find this stuff." Illya accent was stronger now.
"Another friend. Not an assignment this time."
"Japanese?"
"Yes."
"You like your men like that?"
"Like what?"
"Dark. Eastern. Da?"
"Da. Blondes are not my thing."
Illya giggled and slid to the floor. Mark joined him and poured another set of drinks.
"You?"
"Me?"
"Da. You like your men dark?"
"Intelligent, talkative, warm. Dark light." Illya pause as he poured more drinks. "Living is good. Da?"
"Napoleon?"
"Nyet."
"He fits."
"To close."
Mark nodded drunkenly, slightly over acting, To close? More cryptic information. "Bad idea. Rooms moving"
"Light weight Imperialist, there is still some left in the bottle." Illya pour himself another measure.
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"How can you be so awake. You finished the bottle." Mark asked the sober, clearheaded and wide wake blonde next to him, as they enter the lift down to U.N.C.L.E NY head quarters. He though back to being woken by the smell of Tea, being placed by his head. Illya had been to the Deli up the street, he released as he woke up, Mark could smell fresh bread. When he final managed to get out of bed, Illya was on his second cup of tea and half way though a French stick. There was some aspirin and a glass of water on the table for him.
"Thanks," he said weakly.
"I used you shower." Illya said looking up from the Time's crossword he was doing, in pen as usual.
Mark took a while to work that one out, he slept though that as well, good job Illya had stayed the night, or anything out have happen to him. Illya stayed the night? Mark did a quick check of his body, no he had not had sex, that was good. "Where did you sleep?" the sofa looked unused and he had an odd felling about he night.
"In with you." Illya replied. "We did not have sex. You don't like blondes, you told me so." Illya counted "seven time last night and I was not in the mood."
"I hope I would remember if we did." Mark down the pills and water. "I Hate you. Bloody Ukrainian." He headed for the bathroom, " and leave some food."
Illya chuckled.
"Imperialist wake up we are here." Illya spoke quietly in to Mark's ear, making his head pound, as the lift stopped.
"It's your fault I am sore." Mark called out after him as they got their Ids off reception.
"You need more practice."
"No I need Ukrainian's who take better care of me." Muttered Mark.
"I bought you dinner and breakfast." Illya snapped back.
"If I feel better I may talk to you later." Mark groaned as the entered HQ proper and Illya went to the locker rooms to change his clothes.
Behind then the gossip started.
Illya smiled to him self, the plan was going well, when the lift door open it would have looked like they were breaking a kiss. Then Mark had said what he said, Illya could not of hoped for better. This is going to be good. Now to the Lab, to make the day even better.
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"Do you feel better?" Illya asked Mark as he stood opposite him in the commissary.
"Yes. A little."
Illya say down, picking at his lunch.
"For once your not hungry?"
Illya shook his head, "I trying not to smile."
"Why?"
"Image."
Help me he in one of those moods! He knew what I meant, find we'll play it your way.
"At what.""Alice Dent in the office has won about $250. Today."
"For what?"
"Getting the right guy." Mark rolled his eye and motioned for Illya to continue, stealing a fry when he did not, as he went for another, Illya spoke. "I have been informed that you and I spent last night together, engaged in romantic actives. We left here kissing and where kissing when the elevator came to a stop this morning. Alice picked you in the betting pool to break down my ice walls." Illya had a huge grin on his face, Mark knew if he had been anyone else he be in stitches on the floor. "Close your mouth."
"You think this is funny?" Mark said when he could speak. Everyone though, knew, it was Napoleon and Illya. But Illya had told him last night it was not Napoleon. But no money had been played out even then. So why, now? He tried to think about anything Illya and he had done. Entrapments. Damm it was the entrapment, everyone knew they slept with men, why not each other. They had no proof about Napoleon.
"Makes a change from Napoleon and I. You would be amazed what the two of us have done. According to gossip." Illya answered Marks question after a few mouthfuls of food.
"Oh god I said I was sore." Mark buried his head in arms.
"Yes, that was a nice detail to add. I do get tried of bottoming."
"Bastard. This is not funny."
"Yes it is."
"No it's not."
"It's flattering."
"Flattering?"
"The strange British guy. Not my flirtatious partner got me in to bed. People will think more highly of your seduction skills. Think you have something Napoleon does not. And Napoleon is number one of Section Two."
"True. Napoleon charms did not work on you."
"Napoleon has no charm. He has pheromones and chemicals in little bottles." Illya said seriously, "it's a test by U.N.C.L.E to see if speed up entrapment and ease cooperation by making people believe they trust someone at first glance, or rather smell." Mark smiled as he released Illya was making it up, he had that glint in his eye. "He use different combinations for different women. I have seen him, mixing his little bottles. He almost looks like a scientist. Why do you think he get though so many clothes. The pheromones get trapped in the fabric and if it does not work or is too individual, he can not have that smell around another woman. She would not trust him." Mark was laughing out loud now, Illya still had a blank face, except for the glint. "Why are you laughing? It's true!" Illya looked up and around the commissary, people where glancing at Mark and Illya. "People are looking, stop laughing." Illya chiding tone made Mark laugh more. Illya spotting someone and caught his eye as he glanced at the two of them. With a nod of his head Illya motioned the guy over. "North, you are a chemist. Tell Mark that Napoleon uses pheromones to get his paramours. In the little bottles of chemicals."
North sat down and sighed. "Illya, you have to understand. We can't give that information out to people. The only reason I told you all the details was because you had worked out most of it. Plus I did not like the amount of lab mice we lost and Napoleon is a good agent. I can't tell Mr. Slade anything."
Mark stopped laughing and looked at the two of them. "It's true."
"I can not confirm or deny that." Said North. "Thanks for winning me fifty bucks by the way. I don't usually bet but then I was not a bet was it." North just about glanced at Illya, Mark barely caught it.
"Meaning?" Mark asked, Something is up here.
"Nothing." North smiled.
Illya looked at his watch. "Time." asked Mark, Illya nodded and they headed to their meeting.
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Napoleon was waiting outside Mr. Waverly's office, he glared at Mark as he and Illya walk toward the door. Everyone is seeing them together. Illya not even hiding the fact something is going on between them. He's meant to be the Ice Prince. Why Mark? Napoleon's thoughts tumbled around his head as the tried to deal with the rumors he had been hearing all morning. Illya's been hiding from me as well. Where has he been, so I can find out what happened!
"Napoleon, there you are. How was the supply room? Or did you latest notch say no." Illya turned to Mark, "He does not always get the mix right, I did say almost a scientist." Mark let out a strangled laugh. As Illya turned back to Napoleon, "That must be it, your are always in a bad mood when they say No."
"We need to talk." He is flirting with Mark!
"We have a meeting, Napoleon." Illya reminded him.
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April and Mark made their why back to their office after the meeting, as Napoleon and Illya went back to theirs. Illya and Mark had been professional all though meeting, no glances, nothing. The same when they left the room, it was as if nothing had happened.
"Are you responsible for Illya massive mood change?" April asked as soon as the door closed and she turned off the surveillance, it would only be off for a few minutes at a time, then, April would be unable to turn the surveillance off for several hours. They where allowed a little privacy, Section One felt that was necessary.
"In a way." Mark said sitting on his desk.
"In what way?"
"He's still drunk." Mark smiled. It was the only thing he could come up with, to explain Illya behavior.
"Pardon?"
"We got drunk last night, on Sake. The bottle was empty this morning. But not last night. He finished it this morning thinking I would not remember there was some left. He had two thirds of a bottle of Sake in under 24 hours. I amazed he can still stand."
"You got drunk? Last night, In your apartment, With Illya Nickovetch Kuryakin? On Sake?"
"Yes. Oh God. I got U.N.C.L.E's number two agent drunk and he's at work. Mr. Waverly will have me killed if he finds out."
"What else happened last night?" April raised an eyebrow.
"We talked, played some records, drank, not a lot really. We went to bed."
"Together?"
"Nothing happened, he is not my type and we where to drunk."
"No-one will believe you after today."
"Not even you?"
"I know he's not your type. I just though Illya would be with… well Napoleon. They are so close."
"'Too close.'"
"Pardon."
"It's what Illya said when I asked if he was desired Napoleon, he said no, they where 'to close'."
"Odd answer."
"Makes sense to him." And only him. Illya mind works in the most twisted way.
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"What the hell are you playing at!" Napoleon yell at Illya, as he turned the surveillance off.
"I am feed up sleeping with you." Illya replied, as if that explained it all and sat at his desk, opening the files Waverly had given him during the meeting.
"Your what?" Napoleon sat on his desks facing the blonde, there was something going on that he did not know about, had no clue about. The need to understand the answers he was going to get washed away the anger in an instant.
"In the office gossip, you and I are sleeping together. I have let it go for the last three years, since I found out about it. The rumors started after we where partnered. I felt they needed changing."
"You decided to change the rumors?"
"Yes, I came up with a plan, now there are new rumors, ones I have power over."
"You're a control freak."
"No, I am board, my last assignment left me much time to think."
"But Mark Slade?"
"I like Mark. We have things in common." Things you will never understand, you are in your homeland. You don't like men. You went to school here, all the little things.
"Like what? You and I have stuff in common."
"He is not American." It was the simple truth and Illya knew it would hurt his friend.
Napoleon glared at Illya, who did not look up, only muttered something in Russian under his breath and carried on reading the file.
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Two days later, Napoleon and Illya where waiting on the roof of a building after their latest mission and gone a little wrong. They have been discovered as they left the building, they had gotten away quickly after a messy fight. Illya was hurt, the enemy had a chance to escape. Now they where waiting for the medics and the helicopter to arrive, Napoleon watched the building – a THRUSH satrap blow up. To much explosives, Tovarish. 'Not American' what does that mean. The thought had been troubling him since Illya had said it.
"Napoleon, I do not mean to interrupt your thoughts, I know you need more practice at thinking, but I think I am going in to shock." Illya called from where Napoleon had propped him by chimney.
"Shock?" Napoleon rushed to Illya side.
"Yes, my breathing is slowing and getting labored, I am cold and I can't feel my feet and hands."
"You're shaking." Napoleon put his jacket around Illya shoulders, then sat down behind Illya raping his arms around him. "Your stomach is hard."
"I work out." Illya replied.
"Internal bleeding, I meant." Napoleon chided.
"I know. Your warm." Said Illya sleepily curling in to Napoleons body.
"I thought it was just your leg." Said Napoleon that was bad enough he thought looking at the mess of flesh with bone sticking out to two sides, but they had stooped the bleeding.
"So did I, at first."
"And then?"
"Not important. Are you angry with me?"
"No, I am used to you not telling me how badly you are hurting."
"In all things." Muttered Illya, rubbing his head against Napoleon's shoulder.
Napoleon gave Illya a puzzled look. "Mark?"
"Partly." Sighed Illya.
Why does he only want to talk when he is dyeing on me!
"I suspected you where homosexual.""How did you make Number one of Section Two?"
"Pardon."
"Only suspected. Mark and April knew the day we met."
"So you are?" Does Waverly know? He must. I can't believe it. All the rumors.
"Da."
"Mark?" I need to know this, I really do.
"That is for him to say. Both I think."
That's not what I meant, but good information, non-the less.
"You love him?""Da." Illya felt Napoleon stiffen. He suppressed a laugh. "Ynet, Napoleon, not like that, like I love you, and April. Siblings. I always wanted siblings. Now I have two brothers and a sister. A family."
"I see." He thinks of he as a brother? I can live with that. Well he is an annoying brother, or is it sister
"Do you?" Illya closed his eye to sleep.
"No you don't Illya, stay with me. Talk."
"You did not know about the gossip about us, Napoleon?" Illya whispered, struggling for breath.
"No. Why did you really decide to change it."
"Some agents from the Brazil office, decide to show me what they thought of my kind. I sent them both to medical before they even touched me. I got tried of the comments and notes. I had enough."
"They never troubled me." What had he been though, was Mark troubled in the same way?
"People think you will sleep with anyone. I get the male entrapment assignments and according to rumor I bottom."
"Bottom?"
"You are in me. I am taken, as a woman would be. You just see me a willing hole, when there are no women to take to bed. No are not shown as homosexual in these actions. I am."
"According to gossip."
"Yes." But I do, I like John in me, it feels so good.
"Then why change thing to you and Mark."
"He is not American."
"So."
"What does any one care what foreigners do to each other? I am sleepy." You can not understand, I do not have the energy to explain it to you.
"But why at all."
What does it matter now, the great sleep calls.
"So, I can be with the…man…I want…no-one…questions us………not important………bad…goss…""The choppers is coming I can hear it."
Illya muttered something in Russian and fell unconscious.
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April brought Napoleon a coffee as he waited in medical for news on Illya.
"Where's Mark?" Asked napoleon as he took the coffee.
"He went off somewhere when he heard Illya was going to the OR." April sat down. "He should be hear for Illya little cover-story."
"Cover story?" Napoleon raised his eyebrows.
"Illya is dating someone in U.N.C.L.E. he told Mark, but did not give the guys name. He using the rumors about him and Mark as a cover story."
"So no-one looks at the unimportant guy he is really with. To protect things." Napoleon finally worked out what was going on in his partners head, or at lest some of it. This is a grand plan, we will never work it all out, Illya has spent weeks covering all the angles.
"Mr. Waverly is open minded for a guy his age. But not others here. Maybe in a few years. The 1970's might be full of changes, things might get better for Illya." April said siting down on another chair.
The two of them sat in silence waiting for news. After a while Mark arrived, with a worried looking scientist from one of the labs.
"Who is your friend, Mark." April asked
"John North. He's Illya's fiend too."
"I should go." North said and turned to leave.
"You should be here, you're the one sleeping with the guy." Mark snapped.
North froze solid, then slowly turned. "And I have been for a long time. He been hurt before and we have got by. I will know if he is all right or not. All my being here will do is cause gossip. Illya will be mad when he finds out I was here. He will worry about what will happen to me, I am not an American, What will happen to him. His still KGB, still a Soviet citizen, he can't go back if people know what he is. They will kill him." North paused for a moment, to let his work sink in. "Illya and I are good, we have things worked out. You wait here, he finds comfort in knowing you lot are here for him." North took a breath and looked at the OR. "I prefer to work, Not to think about it. He will be fine. I will kill him if he dies."
"He'll be dead if he dies." Napoleon mumbled he could not understand how North could not be sick with worry.
"I was born in Haiti, I learnt voodoo off the house keeper, if he dies, I will bring him back and kill him again. Or making him slave. I have not decided." North said with a grin not really look at any of them, not caring if they understood the private joke. "Illya knows that. He knows." he glanced at the OR again. "Everything." With that North turned and left medical.
He is almost as twisted as Illya
though Mark.Napoleon stared at North as he left. I wonder why Illya choose him?
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Napoleon decided to visit Illya once more today before he left HQ, for the day, Illya was wake and board in Medical. Still Illya has not been told he in here for at lest two more weeks, non-of the staff wants that job. Illya will do them some damage. The Staff wanted him kept in the ward for anther two weeks, knowing the moment Illya got out he be working, so they where keeping him in longer then was really needed. As Napoleon rounded the corner to always room Illya got, Napoleon wonder why it was that he seemed to get assigned this one at the back of medical out of the way. He heard voices in the room up ahead and tried to guess who was with Illya at 00:00 hours. April and Mark where on assignment and he had seen all the night medical staff. He stood out side the door listening.
"Illyusha."
"Da."
"Give me back the paperwork you need to rest."
"Ynet."
"I'll give you chocolate."
"I will not be bribed will chocolate."
"I'll leave then."
Napoleon heard some one move off the bed. Then the chair being moved away from the door. He heard a sigh and a thick mass of paper hit the floor "Staying?"
"Oui."
"All night."
"Oui"
"Then get back in to bed."
"Illyusha, your full of tubes, how can you be in the mood."
"You are gorgeous."
"Et Tu."
"Da?"
"Oui"
Napoleon heard giggling then a low moan, come from the room. Not being that much of a voyeur and if he was honest a little afraid of what Illya would do to him if he was found at the door, turned and left medical. At least I know why he is put away from everyone else.
Fin.
Well what do you think?